Blinded by Grief

I have been wanting to write about this topic for some time but just couldn't come up with the words to really say what I want to say. Sometimes, its just best to say it, so here it goes. Sometimes when we experience loss and pain so great it causes us to question everything and put us in a state of deep depression. It has been suggested that grief comes in five stages. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. There is also many forms of grief or losses. The loss of a person close to us is of course the kind of grief we may associate grief with, but there is also losses that many people face throughout a lifetime. For me, for example, I have experienced the loss of my childhood thanks to my alcoholic father. I have lost my dream of having a family unit thanks to the divorce, (I am still grieving that loss as I type). I have lost my dreams of becoming a professional runner. The loss of my grandpa, and the list goes on.

There are small losses, big losses and everything in between. According to some psychologists not everyone goes through grief the same nor follows the grief stages exactly. But the ultimately goal in the grief process is acceptance. That's the toughest of them all in my opinion because its a form of surrender. Surrendering to the awful loss of what was and now accepting what is. As human beings we are all reluctant to change, and grieving is that process of accepting a kind of change in ones life. Through my divorce I have realized a lot about my own grief and how insensitive we all become when a big loss occurs. This is true of all parties involved, not just the ones looking from the outside. Let me explain.

When someone is hurting because of a major loss, that is all they can focus on. Nothing else matters expect the pain of loss. The unjustice that was administered to them. The roses that are blooming in their front yard are unnoticed, colors are not as vibrant, and caring for others is not a priority. In some ways, grief is extremely selfish. I am not saying that grief in itself is selfish, but when not dealt with, it can certainly become that way. Of course it is natural and expected to shout in pain and throw your fists in the heavens proclaiming the unfairness of it all, but eventually one's life needs to move forward, eventually acceptance has to be the goal. But before acceptance can occur there should be acknowledgement of what has happened and then deal with those issues. But what I have noticed in my own life is that we get stuck in some places in our grief. We get addicted to feeling like the victim. We like the fact that we get a form of attention from what we went through. This is all subconsciously of course. We don't intentionally stay stuck in our grief, but if we truly let it go and accept our loss and move forward, what do we relate to? In other words, HOW do we relate to the world if we let go of our losses? I have always been the one who had the horrible childhood, the one who can't find true love, the one who is always struggling! Why? Because I haven't accepted all of my losses yet. And not only do I get labeled through my grief, but it has held me back from truly living the life I want to live.

the last few months I have had some time to really work on some core issues on why I hang around dysfunctional relationships and tolerate intolerable behavior. I have begun to realize that a lot of it is my stubborn grip on my losses. And holding on to those losses has blinded me. Blinded me from the richness that is my life! I was too busy focusing on my own pain that I failed to realize the pain of others. I put people's pains in neatly categorized boxes. Mine of course was in a box labeled "worse than yours." Holding on to my grief keeps my heart closed from all kinds of relationships, keeping me from reaching out to others; thinking I was in no shape to be of any help. How untrue. I think the opposite is true. I think that when we serve others, and help others through their own hardships, we get closer to accepting our own losses. Our grief veil gets lifted every time we put our own losses aside and see that we are not the only ones grieving, the only ones hurting, the only ones who need an encouraging word, a hug and some hope!

Grief that is not dealt with is selfish! Its selfish because it allows us to focus on ourselves and nothing else. It can blind us from seeing hope and how rich life can still be despite the losses. I will not allow grief to blind me any longer. I have too much life to live to keep counting my losses, or reminiscing about them. They are what they are, some more horrible than others, but I want to notice the roses, and see the vibrant colors that is my life! Life after all, is way too short to live blindly.