Do Not Be Afraid

Last night I just couldn't hold in all the emotions that were stirrining in my heart. After dropping off my children to their dad's for the week, and being confronted with my enabling behavior towards my son, the flood gates opened up and I lost it...

Luckily I lost it with a safe person and I was able to sort through all the emotions and relieve some fears.

I don't think this time will ever get easy for me, leaving my kids for a week and missing out on part of their childhood. I don't think it will ever be easy for my kids either. Although they do appear to be handling it much better than me.

As much as I wanted to hide it and pretend it wasn't happening, cowboy brought to my attention my enabling behavior towards my son. I always knew I was, and thought I could get away with it without any consequences. I was wrong. I guess in some ways there was a pay off to why I was doing it. I wanted his affection and his approval. I wanted to keep the peace. Ultimately I wanted to alleviate the guilt.

Through all the tears and jabbering of my emotions, cowboy listened, nodded, and listened some more. He hugged me tight and then looked into my swollen red eyes and said, "It's time to stop being afraid. You are no longer in the same place you were, and knowing the kind of woman you are, you can do this. You can stop enabling him and he can start respecting you. I am here for you and I am going NO WHERE."

Doesn't that little speech deserve some sort of golden globe or oscar nomination? I think so. To encourage a struggling mom to keep the good fight, to bring hope to a situation that seemed hopeless, to want to enable courage when dispair is wringing its ugly head, is better and more insprining than any ficticious Hollywood movie. And it deserves credit.

No more guilt. No more shame.

I do not need to be afaid.

I can do hard things.

Long ago I wished I had someone in my life who loved me enough to call me out on my stuff and encourage me to be a better person. I have found that person. What more do I need to live a fuller life?

You too my friend. Do not be afraid.

God Give Me Wisdom and Courage...

There is an ancient story of long ago about two mothers. There was a famine in the land and resources were scarce and so one of the mother's baby died. So she stole the other mother's baby, and put the dead baby next to the other mother. The other mother knew what happened and demanded her baby back. The only way to settle the matter was to bring it to the King. He was the wisest King known of all time, so the desperate mother knew he would be able to bring justice. When the mother told of her predicament and demanded her baby back, and seeing that the other mother was just as desperate in claiming that the child was her own and the other mother was lying, the King's solution was shocking but effective. He told one of his servants to cut the baby in half and give each half to the two mothers. One mother shouted in agony and pleaded with the King not to do that. To go ahead and give the baby to the other mother. The other mother smiled in victory. So the King changed his mind and gave this order, "Give the child to the mother who pleaded to stop the execution, obviously this is the real mother of the child, as she did not want to see her baby die."

What a wise King indeed. I wish we still had wise rulers today who really do look out for the best interest of our families. But then again, what about the wisdom of the mother who was willing to give up her baby just so that her baby could live? Hmmm. I can't help but think about my own situation when I remember this story. Lately I have been watching my own children suffer and I am trying hard to determine if it is because of the divorce or because of typical adolescent immaturity. I know that I can't keep every bad situation from my kids and whether I was still married or not they would still have to face choices and decide for themselves what kind of life they will live. 

With that said, I am still trying to figure out what is best for my children right now. Although my ex and I have a 50/50 custody (seven days each) I am finding that it is becoming disruptive and socially awkward for my adolescent children. I don't want to blame the custody arrangements on how my children have been behaving, but because they have been going through some difficult times, I do believe the custody arrangement isn't the best right now. I don't know if there is a way around it so that we can keep the custody 50/50, for example, two weeks on and off. Giving them more time to adjust and have more time to hang out with friends, although it would be difficult to be away from them for that long period of time. 

Ideally, it would be better if I could have primary care of the children. I do believe they need stability and they haven't had that in quite some time. So many moves, and with me trying to figure out my career, and having financial stress, along with a few failed relationships, its been hard on all of us. But now that life is settling down and I am in a stable relationship, I do believe I can give them the security they need to grow up healthy. Over all I just want to see my kids happy and thriving. Instead I am watching them suffer and make poor choices. Naturally as their mother, I want to alleviate some of their pain and give them the best childhood I can give them, but with this kind of arrangement, I am finding it quite challenging. Like the mother in the story I want to see my babies live, not suffer and die. But am I willing to give them up to ensure that happens? Of course I don't want to give them up, but I also know that fighting for them like the story above, is only causing them to be torn in half! Having two homes and packing every week is exhausting and how can they possibly have stability with two different parenting styles, two different sets of rules, and two different ways of life? God knows I have tried to talk to my ex about these matters only to get ridiculed about my decision of divorcing him and getting bombarded with guilt. I know that asking full custody means fighting and court fees and attorneys. Is that really beneficial for my kids? I wonder though, if I gave up full custody to my ex if that would be an alternate solution???? 

I am humbled when I think of the mother who was willing to give up her baby in order for her baby to live. I am torn to pieces thinking about that. I don't know if I am willing to do that. Which makes me wonder if I am really that selfish. Perhaps the decision would be easier knowing that if I HAD to make that decision, that my children would be going to an environment that was better. But knowing that they would be going to an environment with a person who is emotionally unstable and whose priority is to fulfill some adolescent fantasy, makes it hard for me to just let go. 

This is probably the most difficult situation I have ever found myself in. 

This is one of those times where I wish I can make my ex see what I see. This is one of those times I wish I had the wisdom to make the best decision I can make for my kids, even if it meant giving them up, and the courage to do so. I know lots of moms do this; give up their baby for a better life. I now see their courage and their bravery and I now have a new respect for them. I know that the rest of the world will not understand these situations. I know the world will ask, "how can a mom just give up her child like that?" But like the story above, it is a matter of life and death. Only a real mom will make the sacrifices needed to ensure her child lives. 

God give me wisdom and courage... please!!