Everyday brings new challenges. For me these challenges has been dealing with loneliness. Everyday I realize more and more just how destructive divorce can be. Even if it is justified and needed, its still a process that eats away at a persons soul. At least it feels that way sometimes. I know that divorcing my ex was something that I had to do, regardless of what others thought. And deep down inside I knew that my life would be better for it. But when I am facing some hard challenges in life and I am faced with the big unknown of the future, I tend to doubt my faith and myself. I don't doubt God a bit, because I know He is faithful and is bigger than any issue I face. It's when life gets hard that I forget or become so afraid that I begin to worry instead of practice faith. I am only human after all and I do worry. I worry about my kids and how being raised in a broken home is affecting them. I worry that I am not doing enough. I worry that I have ruined my life so much that not even God can redeem what I have messed up. I worry that nobody will ever love me and my kids. I worry that I will loose my apartment or not have enough food to eat. I worry because I am doing this life thing alone. Okay, okay, I hear you, I know that I am not alone. God is with me. I have friends and family that are with me. But don't you see its not the same as when you have that loving relationship with your spouse. Sure having God is awesome and wonderful and perhaps I should invest more of my worry time in prayer with him and studying his word, but how do you relate to someone who is always so perfect when you aren't? I know God extends a lot of grace, but sometimes I just want to talk to someone who has messed up too, someone who struggles with worry and doubt, and self worth.
Yes, I hear you, and you are right, I suppose all of this just shows how little faith I truly have. I know that I am just being impatient. I want that fulfilling life now! But as long as I live on this planet, I may never have that fulfilling life until I am united with Christ in Heaven for all eternity. Maybe thats why I tend to get so blue, and so frustrated with my life. Maybe thats why I can't make sense of my longing for passionate love and justice! Hmmm, maybe its because I am not meant to be in this world after all. Perhaps my worries are useless and my doubts nothing more than just lies, but I am here living in this planet I need some strength until I do make it to heaven. I need strength to find ways to know that I am doing enough for my kids, even when I lie in bed at night exhausted from just a hard days work and no time to interact with them! I need strength when I know I don't have enough money for food that somehow God will not abandon my kids or me. I need strength because I am weak. Finding the strength isn't always easy. That's why God is so great because its when we have no strength left that He manifests His, its just sometimes I fail to see it because I don't want to admit that I am that weak, that sinful, that vulnerable. I don't think I would be where I am if God wasn't in my life. At least I wouldn't be as strong!
With all that said, I am feeling very weak, lonely and vulnerable tonight and I am doing my best to find the strength to keep on keeping on. Pray for me will you...
