My Biggest and Hardest Lesson In Parenting

Excerpted from Daring Greatly:

"Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.

If we want to teach our chilldren to dare greatly in this “never enough” culture, the question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way?” as it is: “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?”."

 

 

YES, YES, YES!!! This is the target I have been aiming at since going through my journey as a single mom. And now that we are a blended family it is still my philosphy and my mantra.

 

In my post "How My Children Will Turn Out" I explain this, but not so eloquently as Dr. Brene Brown here in her book Daring Greatly. 

 

When my children were younger I would read the latest edition of parenting books and tried their techniques to "improve" my children's behavior. I tried the naughty step, time out, and wrestled with the ever so great debate of, to spank or not to spank. Sometimes I just lost my patience and whacked their bottom. But in all reality, as my children were getting older and, as hard as it is to admit, as I was getting older too, I realized that my children's behavior should not be my biggest focus. To focus primarily on behavior led only to shame and disappointment, which resulted in strained relationships and pure exhaustion. Try placing a strong willed boy in a naughty step for two hours! Of course I want my children to behave propely and appropriately, but if all I ever did as a mom was correct them, shame them, and punish them for wrong behavior, then how could they ever develop into their true selves? How will they learn from their mistakes and understand that being human is to make mistakes and learn from them?

 

I know it is cliche to tell our children, "Do as I say, not as I do," but are we not in a sense just copping out when we say that? Or are we saying that we don't like our own behavior and we certainly don't want our children to behave like that, so we say that silly statement. I say silly because children do do what we do! The only way children really learn is through modeled behavior. As a teacher of mid-schoolers, I know the best method to teaching is to model it for them first. Same goes for parenting. If I want my child to grow up to be loving, kind and brave, I need to model that for them. How I act, and who I am as a person, does say how my own children will turn out.

I would like to add a disclosure here. I do believe it is dangerous to try and model "perfect" behavior for our children. What I mean is that sometimes we do want our children to be "better" than us, and so we will try and live out a perfectionist lifestyle. A lifestyle that promotes "be good and perfect" rather than just be.   I am not saying that our children are going to become exactly like us. No, no, no. That would be horrible wouldn't it? I mean the world only needs one of us and one of us is enough! What I am trying to say here is that our children are watching our every word, our every action and our every decision. They are learning how to live this life through the way we live ours. If we live a life pretending to be someone else, or have adopted the ideas of perfectionsim, then our children will grow up anxious, fearful, and very confused. If we live a life of being true to who we are, allowing ourselves to make mistakes and learning from them, our children will grow up accpeting, kind and with a strong sense of who they are.

As Brene Brown stated, it is NOT about the skills of parenting that matter the most, although some skill is needed. Parenting is in fact a reflection of who we really are and how we want to live our lives. Parenting is in fact the greatest gift of love ever to be concieved on this planet. I know I am not perfect and I have made some mistakes, but there is no mistake in loving my kids and living out my life the best I know how. If I am teaching my kids anything, I am teaching them to be kind, giving and that happiness is really a choice, not an outcome. If I want to teach my kids anything, I want them to learn that being your true self is enough.

Parenting is hard because we don't want to look our children's faces and see ourselves. We do want better, but in trying to achieve better, we have lost the fight of what really matters. If we want better then we need to be better ourselves. We need to show compassion, kindness and be brave. Parenting isn't a job, it's a lifestyle.

So when my children do misbehave, I will give out the appropriate consequence, but I won't shame them or continue to hold a standard that is impossibe for them to achieve. I mean, don't we all misbehave from time to time and don't we all want a little acceptance and grace when we do? Of course we all want children who behave, but in the end it's not my children's behavior that defines them or my parenting skills, but who they are as people and who I am. Messy, but loveable!

God Give Me Wisdom and Courage...

There is an ancient story of long ago about two mothers. There was a famine in the land and resources were scarce and so one of the mother's baby died. So she stole the other mother's baby, and put the dead baby next to the other mother. The other mother knew what happened and demanded her baby back. The only way to settle the matter was to bring it to the King. He was the wisest King known of all time, so the desperate mother knew he would be able to bring justice. When the mother told of her predicament and demanded her baby back, and seeing that the other mother was just as desperate in claiming that the child was her own and the other mother was lying, the King's solution was shocking but effective. He told one of his servants to cut the baby in half and give each half to the two mothers. One mother shouted in agony and pleaded with the King not to do that. To go ahead and give the baby to the other mother. The other mother smiled in victory. So the King changed his mind and gave this order, "Give the child to the mother who pleaded to stop the execution, obviously this is the real mother of the child, as she did not want to see her baby die."

What a wise King indeed. I wish we still had wise rulers today who really do look out for the best interest of our families. But then again, what about the wisdom of the mother who was willing to give up her baby just so that her baby could live? Hmmm. I can't help but think about my own situation when I remember this story. Lately I have been watching my own children suffer and I am trying hard to determine if it is because of the divorce or because of typical adolescent immaturity. I know that I can't keep every bad situation from my kids and whether I was still married or not they would still have to face choices and decide for themselves what kind of life they will live. 

With that said, I am still trying to figure out what is best for my children right now. Although my ex and I have a 50/50 custody (seven days each) I am finding that it is becoming disruptive and socially awkward for my adolescent children. I don't want to blame the custody arrangements on how my children have been behaving, but because they have been going through some difficult times, I do believe the custody arrangement isn't the best right now. I don't know if there is a way around it so that we can keep the custody 50/50, for example, two weeks on and off. Giving them more time to adjust and have more time to hang out with friends, although it would be difficult to be away from them for that long period of time. 

Ideally, it would be better if I could have primary care of the children. I do believe they need stability and they haven't had that in quite some time. So many moves, and with me trying to figure out my career, and having financial stress, along with a few failed relationships, its been hard on all of us. But now that life is settling down and I am in a stable relationship, I do believe I can give them the security they need to grow up healthy. Over all I just want to see my kids happy and thriving. Instead I am watching them suffer and make poor choices. Naturally as their mother, I want to alleviate some of their pain and give them the best childhood I can give them, but with this kind of arrangement, I am finding it quite challenging. Like the mother in the story I want to see my babies live, not suffer and die. But am I willing to give them up to ensure that happens? Of course I don't want to give them up, but I also know that fighting for them like the story above, is only causing them to be torn in half! Having two homes and packing every week is exhausting and how can they possibly have stability with two different parenting styles, two different sets of rules, and two different ways of life? God knows I have tried to talk to my ex about these matters only to get ridiculed about my decision of divorcing him and getting bombarded with guilt. I know that asking full custody means fighting and court fees and attorneys. Is that really beneficial for my kids? I wonder though, if I gave up full custody to my ex if that would be an alternate solution???? 

I am humbled when I think of the mother who was willing to give up her baby in order for her baby to live. I am torn to pieces thinking about that. I don't know if I am willing to do that. Which makes me wonder if I am really that selfish. Perhaps the decision would be easier knowing that if I HAD to make that decision, that my children would be going to an environment that was better. But knowing that they would be going to an environment with a person who is emotionally unstable and whose priority is to fulfill some adolescent fantasy, makes it hard for me to just let go. 

This is probably the most difficult situation I have ever found myself in. 

This is one of those times where I wish I can make my ex see what I see. This is one of those times I wish I had the wisdom to make the best decision I can make for my kids, even if it meant giving them up, and the courage to do so. I know lots of moms do this; give up their baby for a better life. I now see their courage and their bravery and I now have a new respect for them. I know that the rest of the world will not understand these situations. I know the world will ask, "how can a mom just give up her child like that?" But like the story above, it is a matter of life and death. Only a real mom will make the sacrifices needed to ensure her child lives. 

God give me wisdom and courage... please!! 

How My Kids Will Turn Out

Last night I was watching the 80’s blockbuster, “Back To The Future” with my kids. It is always a joy to watch Michael J. Fox. It's certainly an entertaining movie and it has some great science lessons in there as well, but the real fun was to imagine myself twenty years from now as well as my own kids. As we were poking fun on how we would look and what the world around us would be like I had a daunting thought: When my kids grow up and turn out just like me, how will I feel about that? Hmmm…This is such a great question to ask as a parent because it makes you look at yourself and the example you are setting. As much as I am an advocate for the latest parenting book and applying the basic concepts of being consistent and involved in your child’s life, it really does come down to the example you are setting for your kids by the kind of life you are living. In other words, I am the main model to my kids on how to handle life. It doesn’t matter if I tell them to be honest if I am not showing them how. If I am consistently dishonest about certain things in my life, then my kids will also be. If they see me get up and work out, they will probably get up and work out themselves (or not). Of course this does not take the place of discipline because discipline still has its part and one should always train a child on the virtues of right and wrong. But what really matters here is what kind of life I am living and the message being sent to my children. After all, don’t I want to give them the necessary skills to be successful? And by successful I mean to be a productive citizen in our community, a person full of joy, integrity and courage. So when I think about the kind of people I want my kids to be, I need to stop and think if I am living that way. Am I a productive citizen in my community? Am I full of joy, integrity and courage?  See, I CANNOT ASK MY CHILDREN TO BE BETTER THAN ME! In other words, it’s the whole “do as I say and not what I do” mentality. I cannot expect my children to be born with the knowledge or will power on how to do what they “ought” to do rather than what they “want” to do, unless I, as their mother, guide them in that direction. Let’s face it even as adults we have a hard time with that concept. In fact it takes a mature person to really live that way… wouldn’t you say? And the only true way to guide anyone to have that kind of direction is to be the example.

As a single parent, it is so easy to fall into this life style of two different lives. One life is where you live while the kids are with you and the other is when they are with the other parent.  For me it was definitely two different lives, one where I lived life more conservatively and the other as if I had no responsibility. The funny thing was, was that my children knew anyway what I was doing even though they were not with me. Kids are not dumb. So essentially I was teaching them that it was okay to get drunk and try and fit in with the crowd. Even though I was trying to teach them to stay away from drugs and be their own person. However, after some heartache and regret, I am fortunate enough to realize my mistakes and have a second chance. I no longer lie to my kids about my “other” life because I don’t have to. I live a consistent life now. How I live with my kids is how live when they are not with me. This has brought so much peace into my home! One way it has is that my kids know for certain who I am and what to expect from me. There are no secrets, no lying and so they are not surprised with anything. This is how I gain their trust. And in gaining their trust, they will more likely listen to me. I think that is what’s meant when the experts say be consistent!  Consistent with my values, my beliefs, my faith and my life! As much as I desire my kids to be a better person than I am right now, it is not going to happen if I don’t try and aim for that kind of person right now! I need to live life with joy, kindness, courage, and much love! I need to live life with honesty, and with an above average work ethic. If I don’t want my kids to complain, then I need to stop! If I don’t want my kids to live a mediocre life then I better get off my complacent butt and start living an amazing life! I need to go after my dreams and show them it is possible. WOW! all that from an 80’s movie. Thanks Spielberg for sending me to the future so I can do what I need to do now in order for my kids to reap the fruit of their own future…