Little Warriors

As I sit here pondering about my future I can't help but notice that my heart is heavy. On top of the heaviness I feel guilty and shameful that I have a heavy heart because life is going so well for me. I shouldn't be filled with fear but with excitement right? I mean I am engaged to a wonderful man, I started a fabulous job at a great school, and my kids seem to be happy for the most part. So I sit here and wonder why I feel so anxious and worried. Why do I feel so uncertain and absolutely terrified?

I suppose I know some of the reasons but I don't want to face them. I want to stuff them in and pretend that these "little issues" are not so big and that eventually they will go away and I will be at peace. I know I have been dealing with guilt from the divorce for some time and I have been dealing with life and all it's challenges, yet these feelings don't seem to go away.

Sometimes facing the truth is hard. Sometimes it is easier to pretend and go on with life as if everything is okay. I supppose I am tired of that bullshit. Tired of pretending that life is okay. Tired of putting on a smile when I just want to scream and punch out at the sky in utter anger! Tired of trying so hard to make things work when they just don't. Tired of myself. Tired of making the same mistakes and pretending "this time" is different. Tired of the way the world works...

Perhaps I am just tired.

I know I should be happy and excited about these upcoming changes in my life, but these changes also mean challenges. Challenges that require my children to endure and persevere through life in ways they shouldn't have to. But they do anyway. I know they do it because they love me. Because they want to be with me and I want to give them some good in their childhood, at least what is left of it. I know I have thought about giving them up to their dad full time so that they can have a stable place to be and not worry about being dragged from one place to another. But I am too selfish. I want them with me. I want to experience some of that childhood with them. I want to offer them little gifts of love, hope and encouragement. I want to see them experience life as they grow up. I gave them life and I want to be a part of it. Yet, there are times it is hard for me to look at them. I mean really look at them like I did when they were younger. That look of admiration, adoration and complete love. I don't offer any of that anymore because I feel so bad that they have to live the rest of their childhood in two homes.So I look away, in shame. I don't want to see them. To see the pain.  I know it can work, but only if all parties are willing. Only if sacrifices are made. Yes, this is why I am so terrified. Why I am having feelings of doubt.

I am scared my children will choose their dad.

If they do, I will be sad. I will be angry. Angry at myself. But for now they haven't chosen their dad. So I shouldn't sit here wondering what to do if it hasn't happened yet. I suppose I entertain these thoughts because I want to mentally prepare myself...just in case.

For right now my children are persevering through the transisitons every Sunday. Perservering through living in two homes and enduring the challenges that come with that. And because of that I am proud of them. Proud for the little warriors that they are. Proud that they are willing to sacrifice so much so that they can be with both parents. Proud that they are making life the best they can make it.

Sometimes we learn more from our children then from anyone else. I am tired, but I need to suck it up too. I need to keep pressing on and make the most of this time. To make sacrifices and know it's all worth it. To keep smiling and to start looking at them again. To offer them the best gift of all... myself.

 And when the time comes for them to fly away from the nest, I hope they can be proud of what they have overcame!

Does Anyone Care?

This is a little something I wrote in hopes to send to important people to get this concern out there. It is a complement of the previous post... enjoy! 

 Does Anyone Care?

Lately there has been a lot of hype in the education world about giving our children a future. What does that really mean? Last week’s article in the Journal about the young lady with three kids trying to make ends meet while getting her GED, showcases how we as a society continue to dry wash the idea that getting an education means a better future. It’s hard to argue that when most people with a Master’s degree earn at least $50,000. That is, unless, you are teacher. I am a single mom of two children, and in giving them a good example to follow, I went back to school after my divorce and earned my Master’s in Education and became a teacher. Unfortunately, I don’t earn $50,000 for earning my Master’s degree. I earn a humble $30,002 before taxes, so I roughly bring home $25,002. APS gives starting teachers $2 more a year for earning that Master’s degree! Yeah, $2!  With that low of income I had no choice but to get on food stamps ($132 a month, about a week’s worth of groceries) and Medicaid for my children. I had to find “other income” by selling goods or coaching after school (time away from my kids and my classroom) to just have enough by the end of the month. If other expenses came up, like new tires for the car, then I had to make tough decisions. Needless to say, I am not trying to throw myself a pity party here, I have done well and learned to live without. Without cable, Internet, smartphones, fancy cars and brand name clothing. I learned to live humbly and overall the experience has taught me a lot about what is really important. However, I am on my way to Level 2 with a whopping $10,000 raise! But it did take a lot of time (3 years) and a lot of money, $320 to be exact, (which I didn’t have) to make it to Level 2. Even with that pay raise I still have student loans to pay off, and it puts me in a higher tax bracket while loosing my state benefits…  so am I really better off?

The reason I say all of this is because you have to understand the irony behind this. I am an educator instilling the idea that education is the key to breaking poverty, yet according to the statistics I am living in poverty (although in most countries I would be considered rich). I find it so shameful that I have to ask for donations of school supplies for my own two children because I cannot afford them, and I am teacher! Where is my dignity?  How can I as an educator continue to teach my students to score well on standardized tests, and perform well academically so that they can go to college and get a better future for themselves if that isn’t true in my own life?  Am I technically lying to my students?

But what I want to know is if there is anyone who cares that this is happening to our teachers? I know I am not the only one. Instead we continue to disrespect and bash our teachers and judge them harshly for not doing more and better! Of course I am not talking about those teachers who abuse the system and their students, those people should be out of the classroom! But what about the hardworking teachers who really do struggle to make it work? What more can we do? What more do you want from us? We have to feed and provide for our own family too, and according to you, we are to suck it up and do better with no concern of our own. If that doesn’t seem upsetting to anyone then…  Does education really mean a better future? Maybe we should say it’s about the profession you go into, not the education. Maybe we should say that it’s about the high paying job that matters, not the one that makes a difference in the world … but then again…

Does anyone care?    

Provider or Parenting?

Sometimes in the effort to make ends meet and support my family, I may have lost sight of my parenting responsibilities.

Dr. Bob Barnes says: "Establish daily: 'What's the priority, parenting or providing?' You need to decide to sit at your children's bedside and talk with them tonight and do the laundry later---even though you are exhausted. Then, you need to make the decision to choose parenting first again tomorrow night, or there may be nightmares later on when the kids are out of control because there was no nurturing parent; there was just a provider.'"

Trying to be "supermom" as well as "superworker" can be draining and discouraging. So I need to remember how great and mighty God is. He does not expect me to do this on my own strength.

So my prayer is that I will go about ways I can change my days to be less stressful and more parenting-friendly. Now that my life has been changing for the better I can be diligent with how I spend time with my kids. Sure I would love to be a great provider for them, but in the long haul its about the memories I make with them. 

"A rich child often sits in a poor mother's lap." ~Danish Proverb