Everyday life can seem so ordinary, dull and uninviting at times. Routines can get mudane and unexciting. Maybe that's why we seek the dramatic exploits of fantasy. If only we could be flithy rich and famous, or maybe some sort of inventor of some kind. Perhaps an explorer of new lands or outerspace! Oh why can't I look like Angelina Jolie and have such a rich, exciting life? Oh why can't I be like James Bond, fighting the bad guy and with a new hot chick whenever I wanted? And on and on it goes...
Constantly comparing our ordinary lives with that of fantasy. No wonder we are so unsatisfied. No wonder we end up seeking the wind.
But I wonder what would happen if we decided to answer the call of adventure that knocks at our door everyday? Everyday adventure is waiting. Everyday adventure asks to come in. But instead of inviting this precious jewel into our lives, we leave it at our door step and seek that which destroys real adventure. We seek fantasy.
Let's take a close look at a married couple. Let's say they have been married for about five years. After a year of dating, and getting to know one another, they fell deeply in love. They couldn't wait to see each other. They wrote love letters, or poems to one another. They texted late at night, talked through out the day and they always made each other laugh. They put the needs of the other ahead of themselves and their love was growing and thriving. So they married and had a beautiful ceremony. Their first year of marriage was just like their first dating year. But as life continued to happen there seemed to be less time for those love letters and laughter became a little less. Children entered the scene and they took a lot of attention away from each other. The wife gained a few pounds after the babies, and started to show signs of aging. Husband was working hard providing for the family and started to spend more time at the "office." Not to mention the new intern was young and attractive. She laughed at all his jokes and showed genuine interest in his life. So husband began to fantasize what it would be like to be with this intern. He started to flirt with her, and she started to flirt back. Soon they began to spend more time alone together and what he once had with his wife, is now there with this young intern. So he grows more distant with his wife. That new sense of adventure is no longer there at home. It is now with living out the fantasy of this new ideal of love and romance with the young and naive intern.
Wife is frustrated and tired. She doesn't feel attractive and notices the distance from her husband. She starts drinking a little more. She begins to feel like a martyr and fantasize about what her life could have been like if she hadn't married such a jerk. She starts to work out more and begins her own career path that she dreamed of before she fell in love and had a family, so she spends less time with the kids. The kids are trying to figure out how to treck this new terrain called life, but with no guidance from mom and dad, since they are busy fulfilling their emptiness with fantasy dreams, they are guided by peers, society and media. And since mom and dad fight so much, the kids are left with a skew view about relationships and real life.
A few years later, after husband's affairs, and wife's affairs with her own fantasies, they divorced. The kids now in the middle of custody issues, they find themselves worse off. Husband is always dissatisfied and seeking the wind. Wife constantly driven by the same wind.
This story, although fictional, is true. Our divorce rate right now is close to 60%! That means a couple has less than 50% chance of making it til death do them part. The average length of a marriage is about 6 to 7 years. Althought it is not uncommon to hear about a marriage falling apart after 20 some years. And re-marriage is worse. There is an 80% divorce rate for second and third marriages!
Why????
Well, I suppose for lots of reasons. Affairs, finances, lying, secrets, drug addictions, abuse and violence. Oh yeah, and the ever so irreconcilable differences! Which is to say, "I love you but I am not IN love with you anymore." Or we could say, "I just hate looking at your stupid face everyday, and I just HATE the way you brush your teeth, do you have to make that annoying noise!"
I am not a relationship expert, nor is my expertise in marriage and divorce, I am just a middle school teacher. But having gone through two divorces and now in my third marriage, I have been around the block and read a few things that make me want to fight this battle. I want the world to know there is a HUGE problem here that effects us all. In fact I am tired of our society accepting the statistics as something to be tolerated and as status quo, but rather as something that should be done to protect marriage. Why? Why should we do something about our divorce rate and save marriages? Because if we don't, then our society will cease to exist. Our communities will become extinct. Dramatic you say? Well, just look around at the 75 school shootings lately. Look at the human trafficking going on in our own back yards. Children sold into sex slavery. How many children do we see become addicted to drugs and bullying? Teen pregnancy is romanticized and so are having affairs. Destroying lives and relationships. Our communities are at threat! Slowly dissipitating...
We live in a society that no longer respects marriage. "Just because there is a goalie at the goal doesn't mean you can't score." "I am married, not dead. I can still look and have a little fun!" I have heard countless stories of married women hitting on men and being single myself for a few years, I have had married men hit on me. I have dated a man who was addicted to porn and felt no wrong in participating in strip joints. I have heard of a story of a married woman wanting to pursue a career in exotic dancing, only to end her marriage in divorce. I have one friend who refuses to marry because she doesn't trust men. She was a pole dancer and took off her clothes for money. Her number one clients were married men. I wouldn't want to marry either if that was my perception of married men.
And what about keeping up with the Jones's? You know, materialism and debt? How career and having expensive houses, clothing, cars, and exotic trips seem more important than just keeping it simple and spending quality time with your spouse and children. Number one reason for divorce is finances.
I could go on and on about the stories of failed marriages and how they came to fail, but I think you know them. You know these stories because they are your neighbors, your brothers, your co-workers, and your parents. It is a rare occasion when you hear about a couple celebrating 40 to 50 years of marriage. And those celebrations will be less and less. I will be lucky to celebrate 50 years with my cowboy unless we live to be 90 years old. When I first married I was too young and naive to understand what kind of committment I was making. I knew there was an out, so I went ahead with it. My second time around I wasn't prepared for the battles that came my way. Although I knew the man I was marrying was abusive, I thought marriage would change him. I thought I could change him. I wasn't ready. I didn't know who I was and what my purpose was. I had two kids that needed a mom and dad and I thought I was doing what was right for them.
See, I believe that as a society we don't really understand what marriage is and why it is so important. Instead our society places an importance on romance and sex. Two things that are important in marriage of course, but they are not all that make up a good quality marriage. But what is also causing such big problems in our marriages is this false idea of adventure. For our entertainment purposes, Hollywood does a fantastic job on making our ordinary lives seem dull and unimportant. Our media is shaping our thinking in believing that marriage is for suckers and real living is about living out our sexual fantasies and pursuing riches. Our media is changing the way we look at women. Women are to be nice, sweet, and beautiful. Beautiful as in skinny with fake boobs and a tight body. Men believing that sexy is a Victoria Secret model. ALL fantasy. So our ordinary bodies, with our ordinary lives seem so ugly and unsatisfying, we end up depressed, angry or just full of shame. And since we don't want to admit these truths, we hide them by seeking the fantasy life, or with other behaviors like addictions and self-serve living.
With all that going on, I would venture to say that we are in a battle. A battle that is life or death. We need to start understanding the importance of marriage and family and start respecting the ring on the finger. Why are we so animate about acting like horny 16 year olds at all times? Let us grow up a little and start enjoying the lives God gave us. Let us start killing the fantasies with our so called ordinary lives and invite the grand adventure of everyday life. What is wrong with kissing the same woman every morning as she gradually changes more and more into a mature woman? What is wrong with raising kids to be decent human beings and feeding their curiosity about the world with positive affirmations and life lessons? What is wrong with facing and admitting our problems and finding ways to work through them rather than running away or hiding? What is wrong with telling the truth with love instead of keeping secrets and lying? What is wrong with living life simply and giving back what has been generously given to us? Why must we take, take, take? Married people are not free for us to take. They are to be encouraged to love their spouse and children. We need a society who can shape our culture into what is real and important. We need to fight for our marriages and our family. Our time and place is NOW and HERE. If there is ever a great adventure to puruse, a great cause to feel excited about, let us pioneer this unkown territory!
Oh and one more thing. For those of you who believe that same-sex marriage is a threat to marriage, you are fighting the wrong battle. I know your beliefs are strong in that homosexuality is a sin and therefore they shouldn't be allowed to enter such a sacred and holy entity as marriage. But the last time I checked we still allow other sinners to enter such a blessed covenant. We allow adulterers, liars, greedy people, and divorced people to marry. Some of these sinners are also a type of sexual sin. So unless you are going to protest and ban marriage from these people too, then you are simply being discriminatory and unjust. If you really feel the need to fight for marriage then fight for marriages to have more substance and quality. Start protesting against the evils that really threaten marriage. Homosexuals who want to marry do NOT lessen or threaten my marriage. In fact it is the husband who flirts with his co-worker, or the single co-worker who flirts with her married colleague; it is the wife who keeps secrets and lies to her husband about how much money she spent the other day; it is the husband who secretly looks at the Victoria Secret magazine longing for his wife to look like that, or fantasizing about having sex with the model; it is the wife who doesn't appreciate her husband and makes him feel like dirt that threaten marriage. Maybe instead of looking at the homosexual community as a threat, you can look at them as an opportunity to grow and learn. Perhaps we have a lot to learn from them. After all, they see marriage as something to fight for. Something to embrace and enjoy. A community who, maybe, understands the adventure and excitement that marriage has to offer, that they are willing to fight this battle. Friends, take a look at your own marriages. Just becuase you are married to the opposite sex does not mean you have it right. You’ll do far more good in the defense of the sanctity of marriage by writing a love note to your spouse than you ever could by updating your Facebook status with impassioned, scripture-infused messages in an attempt to put your morals on display. Stop with the madness and start with the love.
Showing posts with label Life Changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Changes. Show all posts
Thursday, June 12
Wednesday, January 29
Just Show Up
Dan has crohns. It is an autoimmune disease that attacks the intestines. It can be painful and cause numerous health problems. He has been in remission for some time now because of a certain medication that he takes. Every two months we hop into our car and head to the hospital so he can get injected with this medicine. While the I.V. is inserted into his body we hang out for a couple of hours. We talk, laugh, play games and eat. Since being with Dan I have gone to every treatment with him, watching him get poked and pricked, with some enjoyment and pleasure of course. If I happen to be especially annoyed with him for some reason, I make a point to tell the lovely nurse to poke him hard if neccessary. Did I mention I can be a sadist?
No! I am not a sadist, I just like to watch Dan go through little nuisances as I have to go through mine. Only mine is every month while his is every two, so I can smile inside when I watch the needle poke in his gentle and hard working hand. :)
In all seriousness, I don't really enjoy it all that much. I don't like to watch those I love suffer or go through anything that requires any kind of misery. The reality of life, however, is that we all have our little nuisances that we could live without, but we do, and although they require special attention, we should not be indifferent to them or give them power.
I know Dan would love to live life without crohns and enjoy a big hot buttery bucket of popcorn. And when I am more than annoyed with him that's another way to show it. I love the crunching and melting of the popped kernel in my mouth while the buttery taste swooshes all over my palate...mmmm..... take that cowboy! Okay, I am really not that insensitive, but I know it's a little annoying when the family enjoys our favorite movie snack while he chomps on corn nuts. But being the trooper that he is, he sometimes will take a mouth full of that ass kickin popcorn chew it and then spit it out! We all accomodate our nuisances somehow, and that's his way. No judging please, as I do make sure he spits it at the dog. :)
Crohns can be a serious illness. I don't know everything about crohns, only that it can be painful and cause other nuisances. Dan has been faithful in showing up to his treatments for the last eight years. Since he has taken time to do so, his crohns is under control. Even when he feels fine he still shows up. He still gets his treatement. He still gets poked and for two hours pumps his body with immune fighting medicine. And this made me think about life...
That even though we seem to be fine we still need to show up:
Show up as a spouse
Show up as a parent
Show up as an employee/employer
Show up as a son or daughter
Show up to our recreational activities
Show up as a friend
Show up as a brother or sister
Show up as a neighbor
Show up to life....
Not just show up as in existing. Show up in living out loud with who you are! Just because life seems okay, or not okay, doesn't mean we let the hours tick by with no meaning or purpose. To find the joy in the ordinary, mudane existence we call life, is what makes life beautiful. When we stop showing up life becomes less than ordinary. It becomes miserable. It becomes meaningless. And it becomes lonely.
It isn't easy to show up sometimes. When we are feeling less than or overwhelmed it is difficult to want to show up. But when we force ourselves out of bed when we would rather stay in and entertain our misery is a huge act of showing up, even when we don't know what else to do. To keep showing up to a job that seems hopeless and worthless while trying to smile and find the enjoyment, again is another great act of showing up. To listen to our friends ailments rather than judge her... To put a stop to our temptations when we know it would hurt our spouse if they knew what we were doing... To put down the popcorn and just show up to a treatment and play games for two long hours...
Yes, life is about showing up. It's not about the right answers or being better or having. It's about showing up as ourselves and saying, "Here I am!" All imperfect, and messy, and full of love! Sometimes that's all is required of us... to JUST SHOW UP!
No! I am not a sadist, I just like to watch Dan go through little nuisances as I have to go through mine. Only mine is every month while his is every two, so I can smile inside when I watch the needle poke in his gentle and hard working hand. :)
In all seriousness, I don't really enjoy it all that much. I don't like to watch those I love suffer or go through anything that requires any kind of misery. The reality of life, however, is that we all have our little nuisances that we could live without, but we do, and although they require special attention, we should not be indifferent to them or give them power.
I know Dan would love to live life without crohns and enjoy a big hot buttery bucket of popcorn. And when I am more than annoyed with him that's another way to show it. I love the crunching and melting of the popped kernel in my mouth while the buttery taste swooshes all over my palate...mmmm..... take that cowboy! Okay, I am really not that insensitive, but I know it's a little annoying when the family enjoys our favorite movie snack while he chomps on corn nuts. But being the trooper that he is, he sometimes will take a mouth full of that ass kickin popcorn chew it and then spit it out! We all accomodate our nuisances somehow, and that's his way. No judging please, as I do make sure he spits it at the dog. :)
Crohns can be a serious illness. I don't know everything about crohns, only that it can be painful and cause other nuisances. Dan has been faithful in showing up to his treatments for the last eight years. Since he has taken time to do so, his crohns is under control. Even when he feels fine he still shows up. He still gets his treatement. He still gets poked and for two hours pumps his body with immune fighting medicine. And this made me think about life...
That even though we seem to be fine we still need to show up:
Show up as a spouse
Show up as a parent
Show up as an employee/employer
Show up as a son or daughter
Show up to our recreational activities
Show up as a friend
Show up as a brother or sister
Show up as a neighbor
Show up to life....
Not just show up as in existing. Show up in living out loud with who you are! Just because life seems okay, or not okay, doesn't mean we let the hours tick by with no meaning or purpose. To find the joy in the ordinary, mudane existence we call life, is what makes life beautiful. When we stop showing up life becomes less than ordinary. It becomes miserable. It becomes meaningless. And it becomes lonely.
It isn't easy to show up sometimes. When we are feeling less than or overwhelmed it is difficult to want to show up. But when we force ourselves out of bed when we would rather stay in and entertain our misery is a huge act of showing up, even when we don't know what else to do. To keep showing up to a job that seems hopeless and worthless while trying to smile and find the enjoyment, again is another great act of showing up. To listen to our friends ailments rather than judge her... To put a stop to our temptations when we know it would hurt our spouse if they knew what we were doing... To put down the popcorn and just show up to a treatment and play games for two long hours...
Yes, life is about showing up. It's not about the right answers or being better or having. It's about showing up as ourselves and saying, "Here I am!" All imperfect, and messy, and full of love! Sometimes that's all is required of us... to JUST SHOW UP!
Thursday, January 23
The Real Blessings....
In a few months I am about to get married. I am about to embark in a journey so profound, so mysterious and so freightening. Marriage is a big deal. It is what constitutes our ability has human beings to understand what life is about-- love, faith, perserverance, and hope.
Since both Dan and I are coming from divorced situations we are more at risk for not making it to the end. According to the statistics we have a 20% success rate. That's not very hopeful. In fact it's dawning. It's scary. It makes me want to run and hide and just "pretend" that number doesn't exist. And in some ways I want to take that number as a challenge and when we are at our death beds, I can say, "screw you 80% failure rate!"
But that number is there. It stares me in the face and it taunts me and awakens me to the realization that marriage is hard. And marriage after divorce is even more challenging.
I know love is an important factor in marriage, but I know that it is not enough. We need faith, perserverance, forgiveness, and whole lot of hope.
Faith because you really don't know what and who you are getting. Sure the dating process is to help us know our mate, but in the end, people and circumstances change. There really is no way to know someone completely until you marry them and live life with them. Marriage is a HUGE act of faith. Faith that your partner will be faithful, devoted and committed to you. Faith that you will be faithful, devoted and committed to your partner. Faith in each other.
Perserverance because life is full of surprises. Good and bad. And when life isn't so peachy keen, high doses of perserverance is needed. I think this little tool is important in marriage because so many people do get disappointed when their marriage isn't what they expected. For some reason we believe these lies that marriage is supposed to be what brings us happiness, an institution that is full of romantic love and sex. We go into the marriage believing our partner is our prince charming or our everything. And then as life settles down there isn't so much romance and sex. We start to notice all those flaws in our partner that we somehow thought were so cute before. So we sulk and start fantasizing about what it is like to be single or to be with someone else.
Let me tell you something. The real blessings in life are those little things we take for granted. The fact that we have someone who loves us in spite of our flaws and who continually will be there for us when we are not looking so hot, is the blessing. To have someone wipe your tears, your snot and smell your stinky farts may not sound so romantic, but it is. Sure there are arguments about money sometimes, and sometimes the snoring will keep you up. Sure the kids will annoy you and will have you wonder how in the hell did such creatures emerge from your body! Sure you will get irritated because for the upteenth time you have to pick up the dirty clothes from the floor and yet again there are dirty dishes in the dishwasher. How hard is it to press a damn button?? And then for some reason we start to think that this isn't what we signed up for. This wasn't the life we had dreamed of. Where is the romance and hot sex? And why is hair growing there?
Perhaps we go into marriage with too many expectations. Perhaps we are delusional when we think our partner is responsible for bringing us happiness. Perhaps we don't understand what marriage is about.
I am not saying I understand marriage. I think it is a mystery. I think it is beautiful and amazing and extremely scary. Scary in ways that help me grow up. Scary in ways that help me understand this life. There is no other institution that I can think of that allows us as humans to embrace humanity. There is no other institution where two people can obtain such closeness and intimacy. No other institution that teaches us about love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope. No other institution that shows us how special we are and how special our children are.
Yes, marriage is wonderful and it is difficult. Marriage, I believe, is under attack. Why? Read my last post about lies. Of course that is only part of the attack. Materialism, selfishness, abuse, addictions, affairs whether sexaul or emotional, and just the mere fact of buying into this idea of what life is "supposed" to be about-- excitement, adventure and more, more, more! I am not sure where we started to believe that picking up dirty laundry and picking up kids from practice and having hot dogs for dinner was not considered exciting and adventurous. I am not sure when we started believing that having more, living for yourself (yolo), living a party life full of booze and drugs and hooking up with whom ever you feel like, whether married or not was the exciting and adventurous life to seek. All of which I particpated in. All in which I embraced and believed would give me meaning and purpose. Guess what? It only gave me shame, guilt and a whole lot of cleaning up to do.
I was married for 6 years. It took me a while to understand the part I played in the divorce. And in being divorced with children I have learned that family is not to be taken lightly. Yes, my divorce was necessary, but that doesn't mean it came easy. It is still difficult. Dealing with my ex is still a learning process. Watching my children break down and cry because life is overwhelming while dealing with two homes is also heart wrentching. Not being there when my son looses his first tooth, or when my daughter started her first period is also heart wretching. Trying to accomodate transportation and emotional support to my children is not easy these days. There are days I struggle with shame because I don't know if I am being the mom I need to be. There is no part time mom.
When I married my ex, I was naive. I had two children with him and I carried false hope. Hope that he would change and I would change and with the idea that our little family would be what I thought the world wanted us to be-- Perfect. I don't know if I would change anything if given the opportunity to go back. I love my children. I did what I thought was best for them. Marry their dad and start being a family. Unfortunately, all that attacks marriage attacked mine: materialsim, selfishness, abuse, addictions, and affairs.
So in a few months I am about to get married. And when I say my vows to my cowboy I know I am entering a convenant of love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope with him. I am entering an exciting, adventerous and very scary journey with him. I am going into this marriage knowing the uncertainty. I am going into this marriage knowing it is going to be attacked. This time I am putting on my armor and sharpening my weapons. I am learning how to protect myself from those enemies that threaten or may threaten our little and lovely family. Is Dan entering this covenant with the same expectaions? Is he aware of the attacks? Does he know that marriage is hard, yet the BEST blessing in his whole life? To my knowledge he does. We talk about it of course, but I have no way of knowing all of his expecations. I just hope he realizes the real blessings in life!
Yes, cowboy, your farts are pretty stinky, but it's a blessing!
Since both Dan and I are coming from divorced situations we are more at risk for not making it to the end. According to the statistics we have a 20% success rate. That's not very hopeful. In fact it's dawning. It's scary. It makes me want to run and hide and just "pretend" that number doesn't exist. And in some ways I want to take that number as a challenge and when we are at our death beds, I can say, "screw you 80% failure rate!"
But that number is there. It stares me in the face and it taunts me and awakens me to the realization that marriage is hard. And marriage after divorce is even more challenging.
I know love is an important factor in marriage, but I know that it is not enough. We need faith, perserverance, forgiveness, and whole lot of hope.
Faith because you really don't know what and who you are getting. Sure the dating process is to help us know our mate, but in the end, people and circumstances change. There really is no way to know someone completely until you marry them and live life with them. Marriage is a HUGE act of faith. Faith that your partner will be faithful, devoted and committed to you. Faith that you will be faithful, devoted and committed to your partner. Faith in each other.
Perserverance because life is full of surprises. Good and bad. And when life isn't so peachy keen, high doses of perserverance is needed. I think this little tool is important in marriage because so many people do get disappointed when their marriage isn't what they expected. For some reason we believe these lies that marriage is supposed to be what brings us happiness, an institution that is full of romantic love and sex. We go into the marriage believing our partner is our prince charming or our everything. And then as life settles down there isn't so much romance and sex. We start to notice all those flaws in our partner that we somehow thought were so cute before. So we sulk and start fantasizing about what it is like to be single or to be with someone else.
Let me tell you something. The real blessings in life are those little things we take for granted. The fact that we have someone who loves us in spite of our flaws and who continually will be there for us when we are not looking so hot, is the blessing. To have someone wipe your tears, your snot and smell your stinky farts may not sound so romantic, but it is. Sure there are arguments about money sometimes, and sometimes the snoring will keep you up. Sure the kids will annoy you and will have you wonder how in the hell did such creatures emerge from your body! Sure you will get irritated because for the upteenth time you have to pick up the dirty clothes from the floor and yet again there are dirty dishes in the dishwasher. How hard is it to press a damn button?? And then for some reason we start to think that this isn't what we signed up for. This wasn't the life we had dreamed of. Where is the romance and hot sex? And why is hair growing there?
Perhaps we go into marriage with too many expectations. Perhaps we are delusional when we think our partner is responsible for bringing us happiness. Perhaps we don't understand what marriage is about.
I am not saying I understand marriage. I think it is a mystery. I think it is beautiful and amazing and extremely scary. Scary in ways that help me grow up. Scary in ways that help me understand this life. There is no other institution that I can think of that allows us as humans to embrace humanity. There is no other institution where two people can obtain such closeness and intimacy. No other institution that teaches us about love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope. No other institution that shows us how special we are and how special our children are.
Yes, marriage is wonderful and it is difficult. Marriage, I believe, is under attack. Why? Read my last post about lies. Of course that is only part of the attack. Materialism, selfishness, abuse, addictions, affairs whether sexaul or emotional, and just the mere fact of buying into this idea of what life is "supposed" to be about-- excitement, adventure and more, more, more! I am not sure where we started to believe that picking up dirty laundry and picking up kids from practice and having hot dogs for dinner was not considered exciting and adventurous. I am not sure when we started believing that having more, living for yourself (yolo), living a party life full of booze and drugs and hooking up with whom ever you feel like, whether married or not was the exciting and adventurous life to seek. All of which I particpated in. All in which I embraced and believed would give me meaning and purpose. Guess what? It only gave me shame, guilt and a whole lot of cleaning up to do.
I was married for 6 years. It took me a while to understand the part I played in the divorce. And in being divorced with children I have learned that family is not to be taken lightly. Yes, my divorce was necessary, but that doesn't mean it came easy. It is still difficult. Dealing with my ex is still a learning process. Watching my children break down and cry because life is overwhelming while dealing with two homes is also heart wrentching. Not being there when my son looses his first tooth, or when my daughter started her first period is also heart wretching. Trying to accomodate transportation and emotional support to my children is not easy these days. There are days I struggle with shame because I don't know if I am being the mom I need to be. There is no part time mom.
When I married my ex, I was naive. I had two children with him and I carried false hope. Hope that he would change and I would change and with the idea that our little family would be what I thought the world wanted us to be-- Perfect. I don't know if I would change anything if given the opportunity to go back. I love my children. I did what I thought was best for them. Marry their dad and start being a family. Unfortunately, all that attacks marriage attacked mine: materialsim, selfishness, abuse, addictions, and affairs.
So in a few months I am about to get married. And when I say my vows to my cowboy I know I am entering a convenant of love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope with him. I am entering an exciting, adventerous and very scary journey with him. I am going into this marriage knowing the uncertainty. I am going into this marriage knowing it is going to be attacked. This time I am putting on my armor and sharpening my weapons. I am learning how to protect myself from those enemies that threaten or may threaten our little and lovely family. Is Dan entering this covenant with the same expectaions? Is he aware of the attacks? Does he know that marriage is hard, yet the BEST blessing in his whole life? To my knowledge he does. We talk about it of course, but I have no way of knowing all of his expecations. I just hope he realizes the real blessings in life!
Yes, cowboy, your farts are pretty stinky, but it's a blessing!
Tuesday, October 15
Single Mom No More!
A lot has happened the last few months! I am now engaged! I am so happy and so thrilled I can hardly contain myself!
Everything about my man is amazing and I couldn't have picked a better person to spend the rest of my life with. Not only is he romantic, funny, and wildly crazy, he has a heart of gold and the character to persevere through life's challenges.
I knew he was the one when he was okay with not sleeping with me right away. I had established that little rule in my dating life to see if the man truly was interested in me, and not what I would give him in bed. Not only was he okay with it, but he truly respected that. Of course he showed interest in me in that way, and when the time was right it was beautiful and everything it should be.
When he met my children it was obvious he was going to get along with them. The fact that my children adore him and enjoys his company means more to me than anything else. To see the excitement in their face when they heard the news is so ratifying that my heart is treasuring every moment.
I have prayed, I have waited, and I had hope that this day would come. Oh, the joy of knowing that I will no longer have to do life alone, that someone will join hands with me and take a leap of faith on this crazy journey. What I love most is that I have a partner who makes me laugh, find hope when I feel hopeless, and who truly has mine and my children's back! I couldn't ask for anything more!
Don't ever stop believing that good is in store for you.
Everything about my man is amazing and I couldn't have picked a better person to spend the rest of my life with. Not only is he romantic, funny, and wildly crazy, he has a heart of gold and the character to persevere through life's challenges.
I knew he was the one when he was okay with not sleeping with me right away. I had established that little rule in my dating life to see if the man truly was interested in me, and not what I would give him in bed. Not only was he okay with it, but he truly respected that. Of course he showed interest in me in that way, and when the time was right it was beautiful and everything it should be.
When he met my children it was obvious he was going to get along with them. The fact that my children adore him and enjoys his company means more to me than anything else. To see the excitement in their face when they heard the news is so ratifying that my heart is treasuring every moment.
I have prayed, I have waited, and I had hope that this day would come. Oh, the joy of knowing that I will no longer have to do life alone, that someone will join hands with me and take a leap of faith on this crazy journey. What I love most is that I have a partner who makes me laugh, find hope when I feel hopeless, and who truly has mine and my children's back! I couldn't ask for anything more!
Don't ever stop believing that good is in store for you.
Tuesday, September 10
Rantings and other Non- Sense
Love M. Scott Peck! Heck, I like to say Peck... it rolls off the tongue nicely, don't you think? "Peck!" Ha!
I cannot begin to tell you how much truth this little quote from him holds. Go ahead. Read it again.
EVERY time I feel this way, I end up searching and finding new ways to make my life better! Lately I have been feeling empty, unfulfilled and stuck in some sort of rut. Not sure why, but no matter. I think life is telling me to get off my complacent ass and do something! Something cool, and amazing! Not just your everyday normal crap that we do, but something that just might make a difference. I don't have a clue what that is, but hey, at least I am aware that something needs to change.
I know that my life is in a bit of in between stage, and quite frankly it's a scary place to be. Sure I am certain of where I would like to be in the future, but considering how my life has been the last 35 years, I can't count on it. All I know is that I don't want to continue with the cycle of denial and pleasing the shit heads that don't even matter in the end. I guess it's time my voice be heard and I face my fears and take a leap of faith and be who I really am, say what I really need to say, and to love with abandon rather than with selfish motives. That, my friend, is a lot more challenging than it looks on paper. I am human and I am weak, but I am thankful for the reflective mind God gave me.
See, what Peck says above is really the crux of how I, we, should live our life. Grateful for all the hardships and pain we endure. Why? Because wisdom is a direct result of suffering. Think about it. The greatest people we know, the most courageous, the one's who take our breath away and do something amazing with their life are the one's who endure the most and overcame! I can give you a list so long of people I know that suffered so much and yet had a wisdom and love that I sometimes envy.
Many years ago I had this belief that joy and peace was a result of an easy, well established, predictable life. I thought that if I had what I wanted then life would be enjoyable. But as I grow in my faith, and let go of that false belief system, I realized that life is contrary to that belief. Life is better when we endure the pain and hardships it gives us. It gives us wisdom, hope, and an appreciation on how valuable life really is. I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for the lessons I learned through every disappointment, every heart ache, every suffering I had to endure. It was because of the uncomfortable, unfulfilled, and empty feelings that provoked me to search for better and truer answers. That to me is the journey we call life....
And then there are some days when I say screw the suffering and hardships, having some joy, fun and laughter is pretty damn important too! :-)
And then there are some days when I say screw the suffering and hardships, having some joy, fun and laughter is pretty damn important too! :-)
THE END!
Thursday, July 11
Life Changes... (Part 1)
First of all, I apologize for my long absence. I have been busy with writing my dossier to get a pay raise at work, and of course enjoying the summer off with my boyfriend and kiddos. We have been having tons of fun and well, things have been going very very well...
So with all the fun we have been having there is something I wanted to write about that has been close to my heart now. Well, as my new relationship with farmer cowboy continues(that's what I like to call him because he loves to garden and has such a wild free heart, and he is sexy like a cowboy), I realize that my life is changing and changing fast. Of course with change comes tons of excitement, anxiety and fear. I am not worried about my relationship with cowboy, because I know that he truly loves me and I truly love him, and we get along so freakishly well, and I say freakishly because it truly is freakish how well we get along! I mean, we don't fight. I know that may sound rather strange and unusual, and I agree it does, however, we just don't. Have we had disappointments and hiccups in our six months together? Why yes we have.
And we got through them.
We talked it out.
We listened.
We compromised.
We were what we needed to be for the other.
So we don't fight. Instead, we laugh, we give a shoulder and hugs when needed, we care for each other, we hang out and we have a great time together. We get each other in ways others don't. I happen to think he is the funniest guy out there! :) So it's been going very very well... So my life is changing because he is not just a guy that I date every other week, or a guy that just wants to get it on and then go on his way, this man is now a part of my life and the lives of my children... and that is a BIG deal. HUGE!
I know in the past I have regretted how I dated and how I introduced these guys to my kids. In the last four years my children have met three men I have dated, including farmer cowboy. Now, I understand that may seem like a lot of guys, but in four years, I don't think it is! In fact the only thing I regret about my past dating life is starting too soon. I should have waited, but hindsight does not change anything does it? I don't regret introducing these men to my children. Now I know I am entering sacred ground here because there are many different opinions when it comes to dating and kids. Some people believe its best to wait until the kids are out of the house, including my ex-husband. As ideal and safe as that sounds, it is unrealistic and it gives our children a jaded view on dating and marriage. Personally, I think that my children should see how dating should be done and how one finds their soul mate and how that relationship is nourished and developed. Children need a good example to look back on when it comes to their own dating and serious relationships. They need to know how a man treats a woman and how a woman treats a man. If the only view they have is a broken marriage how will they learn to have a healthy relationship and trust another human being? And isn't that the real issue after all? How can my kids heal from the divorce if their parents NEVER move on?
Now, how one decides to introduce their new boyfriend/girlfriend to their children is entirely up to them! And I do mean ENTIRELY! Of all the blogs and books I have read about the issue and just how passionate people are about the topic, I can't help but tell everyone that we need to trust these parents on how they live and how they raise their children. Of course as parents we all want what is best for our children, which is why I think it is up that parent to know how and when and where and who gets introduced to their kids. Every parent, every child, every situation, every circumstance is DIFFERENT! How can an expert know what is best for my child when that expert doesn't spend any time with her/him? How can that expert know what is best as far as dating when this expert doesn't know the unique circumstance of the situation my family is in? Of course I am not talking about trusting those asshole parents who beat their kids and do drugs and put their kids in very very bad home environments. Those assholes should be shot and buried... just saying...
The truth is that I am tired of being judged for living my life the way I have chosen to live it. I am tired of being ridiculed for my choices. I am NOT perfect and I NEVER will be! I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. And if you are a parent you know that statement to be true because as parents we are always screwing up! But we can't deny that we love our children. And God knows I do! I love them so much, and I want them to be happy and successful grown ups! It is my responsibility to provide a loving, caring and safe home for my children. I am not a perfect mom, but I do put a lot of care and thought into how I want to raise them. I don't want to raise entitled spoiled brats! I don't want to raise narcissistic greedy assholes either, who think the world revolves around them. I want to raise considerate, kind, generous, loving, and caring people. People who put others before them and know how to forgive and not judge others for their differences. This is why I have chosen farmer cowboy to be a part of our lives... because he is all of those things and more... and having my kids around that kind of person is showing them what that person looks like and in the end, hopefully, they will learn to be that kind of person! Of course, there are obstacles...
As much as I would love for my children to be aware of this, and as much as I would love to have a fairy tale ending, I do live in the real world. Unfortunately, farmer cowboy is not my children's primary example or role model. They have a dad. A dad that is involved in their lives and who is active in their upbringing. Which is fantastic of course! Its just that we are not on the same page when it comes to important and valuable issues and that causes conflict and confusion. So with that said, I don't know how much of an impact my time with the kids will effect them and vice versa. All I can do is my best. And life has been wonderful! I can't imagine not having farmer cowboy a part of my whole life and the life of my children. Maybe there are people who disagree with me and I understand their concerns, but whether I was a single mom or not when I met my cowboy, there would still be risks and doubts to be had. I mean, love is risky to begin with and there are no guarantees either. So much can happen... and I am aware of that. Is there a chance farmer cowboy can leave us and I find myself once again in the single mom boat? You bet! So why would I risk that and put my children's heart at risk too... well lots of reasons...
First of all, I don't believe in keeping adversity from my children. I think children should go through hardships and suffer in life a bit. Its the only way we learn about our own selves, and learn to problem solve. I don't believe in providing a disneyland home, where its always happy and they get whatever they want! I want my children to learn how to handle tough life situations. They way I handle life is how I am teaching them to handle it. So when I decided to move forward from the divorce and date, essentially I was telling my kiddos that life goes on! Life does get better after a storm. I don't want to raise sissies. Second, I want my kids to see that hearts do heal. See, even though it didn't work out with those other guys, (as it worked out great for farmer cowboy) my kids saw that dating is not a fairy tale. It takes work. They saw how I established boundaries, and a list of the kind of man I was looking for. I mean Hollywood does a shitty job protraying what dating is like! Even though there were close potentials, I broke up with them because it just wasn't going to work. My kids saw that it is okay to end unhealthy relationships and that it is okay to hurt other people's feelings sometimes if it's for the best. Because of the kind of relationship I had with my ex, I find it important that my kids see a healthy relationship. Period.
So with all the fun we have been having there is something I wanted to write about that has been close to my heart now. Well, as my new relationship with farmer cowboy continues(that's what I like to call him because he loves to garden and has such a wild free heart, and he is sexy like a cowboy), I realize that my life is changing and changing fast. Of course with change comes tons of excitement, anxiety and fear. I am not worried about my relationship with cowboy, because I know that he truly loves me and I truly love him, and we get along so freakishly well, and I say freakishly because it truly is freakish how well we get along! I mean, we don't fight. I know that may sound rather strange and unusual, and I agree it does, however, we just don't. Have we had disappointments and hiccups in our six months together? Why yes we have.
And we got through them.
We talked it out.
We listened.
We compromised.
We were what we needed to be for the other.
So we don't fight. Instead, we laugh, we give a shoulder and hugs when needed, we care for each other, we hang out and we have a great time together. We get each other in ways others don't. I happen to think he is the funniest guy out there! :) So it's been going very very well... So my life is changing because he is not just a guy that I date every other week, or a guy that just wants to get it on and then go on his way, this man is now a part of my life and the lives of my children... and that is a BIG deal. HUGE!
I know in the past I have regretted how I dated and how I introduced these guys to my kids. In the last four years my children have met three men I have dated, including farmer cowboy. Now, I understand that may seem like a lot of guys, but in four years, I don't think it is! In fact the only thing I regret about my past dating life is starting too soon. I should have waited, but hindsight does not change anything does it? I don't regret introducing these men to my children. Now I know I am entering sacred ground here because there are many different opinions when it comes to dating and kids. Some people believe its best to wait until the kids are out of the house, including my ex-husband. As ideal and safe as that sounds, it is unrealistic and it gives our children a jaded view on dating and marriage. Personally, I think that my children should see how dating should be done and how one finds their soul mate and how that relationship is nourished and developed. Children need a good example to look back on when it comes to their own dating and serious relationships. They need to know how a man treats a woman and how a woman treats a man. If the only view they have is a broken marriage how will they learn to have a healthy relationship and trust another human being? And isn't that the real issue after all? How can my kids heal from the divorce if their parents NEVER move on?
Now, how one decides to introduce their new boyfriend/girlfriend to their children is entirely up to them! And I do mean ENTIRELY! Of all the blogs and books I have read about the issue and just how passionate people are about the topic, I can't help but tell everyone that we need to trust these parents on how they live and how they raise their children. Of course as parents we all want what is best for our children, which is why I think it is up that parent to know how and when and where and who gets introduced to their kids. Every parent, every child, every situation, every circumstance is DIFFERENT! How can an expert know what is best for my child when that expert doesn't spend any time with her/him? How can that expert know what is best as far as dating when this expert doesn't know the unique circumstance of the situation my family is in? Of course I am not talking about trusting those asshole parents who beat their kids and do drugs and put their kids in very very bad home environments. Those assholes should be shot and buried... just saying...
The truth is that I am tired of being judged for living my life the way I have chosen to live it. I am tired of being ridiculed for my choices. I am NOT perfect and I NEVER will be! I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. And if you are a parent you know that statement to be true because as parents we are always screwing up! But we can't deny that we love our children. And God knows I do! I love them so much, and I want them to be happy and successful grown ups! It is my responsibility to provide a loving, caring and safe home for my children. I am not a perfect mom, but I do put a lot of care and thought into how I want to raise them. I don't want to raise entitled spoiled brats! I don't want to raise narcissistic greedy assholes either, who think the world revolves around them. I want to raise considerate, kind, generous, loving, and caring people. People who put others before them and know how to forgive and not judge others for their differences. This is why I have chosen farmer cowboy to be a part of our lives... because he is all of those things and more... and having my kids around that kind of person is showing them what that person looks like and in the end, hopefully, they will learn to be that kind of person! Of course, there are obstacles...
As much as I would love for my children to be aware of this, and as much as I would love to have a fairy tale ending, I do live in the real world. Unfortunately, farmer cowboy is not my children's primary example or role model. They have a dad. A dad that is involved in their lives and who is active in their upbringing. Which is fantastic of course! Its just that we are not on the same page when it comes to important and valuable issues and that causes conflict and confusion. So with that said, I don't know how much of an impact my time with the kids will effect them and vice versa. All I can do is my best. And life has been wonderful! I can't imagine not having farmer cowboy a part of my whole life and the life of my children. Maybe there are people who disagree with me and I understand their concerns, but whether I was a single mom or not when I met my cowboy, there would still be risks and doubts to be had. I mean, love is risky to begin with and there are no guarantees either. So much can happen... and I am aware of that. Is there a chance farmer cowboy can leave us and I find myself once again in the single mom boat? You bet! So why would I risk that and put my children's heart at risk too... well lots of reasons...
First of all, I don't believe in keeping adversity from my children. I think children should go through hardships and suffer in life a bit. Its the only way we learn about our own selves, and learn to problem solve. I don't believe in providing a disneyland home, where its always happy and they get whatever they want! I want my children to learn how to handle tough life situations. They way I handle life is how I am teaching them to handle it. So when I decided to move forward from the divorce and date, essentially I was telling my kiddos that life goes on! Life does get better after a storm. I don't want to raise sissies. Second, I want my kids to see that hearts do heal. See, even though it didn't work out with those other guys, (as it worked out great for farmer cowboy) my kids saw that dating is not a fairy tale. It takes work. They saw how I established boundaries, and a list of the kind of man I was looking for. I mean Hollywood does a shitty job protraying what dating is like! Even though there were close potentials, I broke up with them because it just wasn't going to work. My kids saw that it is okay to end unhealthy relationships and that it is okay to hurt other people's feelings sometimes if it's for the best. Because of the kind of relationship I had with my ex, I find it important that my kids see a healthy relationship. Period.
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