Finding Gold!

My new husband has a very interesting hobby. He likes to dig for gold. He is even a part of a gold association here in town and just the other weekend we went out and tried to find some gold in the Pilar area. If you haven't been there, it is a beautiful mountainous area where the Rio Grande flows. Lots of canyons and fresh air. It is definitely God's country... wild, free, and just breath takingly gorgeous. So while my cowboy digs and digs I enjoy the beauty that surrounds me and the love that I feel deep inside and out. Sometimes I enjoy a good book.

 But when the digging is over, I do enjoy the panning part of finding the gold because it fascinates me that there is actually little specs of gold in the dirt. All you need to do is wash out the dirt and poof, you find gold. Well, finding the gold isn't always that easy since it is hiding as little specs rather than big nuggets. Imagaine! Shiny little gold specs in a big pile of dirt. FASCINATING!! I NEVER knew there was gold in the dirt I walked on. Looking at the pile of dirt I would never have guessed that a precious metal lived and hid in the dirt!

And so when I sit there panning the dirt searching for little specs of gold it reminds me of something special. So special that I smile and laugh and just fill with joy when I find the little specs of gold. WHY? Because that something special is me and it is you! Think about it. Don't we all have a little gold in us too? That little spec of precious shiny stuff inside of us, hiding in the dirt. Sometimes we focus so much on the dirt that we don't realize that there is gold in there. Sometimes the dirt seems so heavy and dense that there is no way gold can be hiding in there. Or sometimes we think our dirt is too dirty, so why would something so beautiful, so precious and so valuable be hiding there? Or worse, maybe we know about the gold inside of us but we hide it! We hide it because our specs are not as big as the others. Or we think our shiny precious light is not enough so we pretend we don't have any.

Maybe what is even worse than that, is when we do discover our gold and we share it with other people, but instead of accepting it as a precious gift, they laugh at us! They tell us our gold is too small, or not enough. Or they get scared and tell us to hide it because the world just doesn't want our gold. Or they become angry and jealous because they don't want to discover thier own gold, or compare ours to theirs and find thiers inadequate so they make us feel inadequate. The best solution then is to keep our gold secret and keep showing off our dirt instead. So that others are not threatened or angry with us. How sad but true! Here is why....

When I sit and pan for gold in all that dirt my honey dug from the earth, I am reminded that I do have gold inside of me whether I like it or not. It doesn't matter what I think or what others think, I DO HAVE GOLD INSIDE OF ME hiding in my dirt, in all my ugliness. And that is a beautiful thing! My gold is a shiny spec of joy--It is when I find hope in hopeless situations--It is when I love myself and others-- And it is when I do the right thing and stand for the right purpose regardless of the ridicule I will receive. Sometimes I am afraid to show my gold to the world. I don't think it is big enough or shiny enough. Sometimes I just want to be liked by others that I hide my gold because I don't want to be laughed at or judged.

As I write those words, those truthful and hurtful words, I know how wrong it is to hide my gold from the world. That I am not doing the world an ounce of good by hiding and pretending. But I find my dirt too comfortable. You see, my dirt is my shame. Shame of my past, shame of who I am. And so I can't let my gold shine through because I believe that I am not worthy. You see, the dirt, the shame, is so thick and dense sometimes that I don't see the gold. Sometimes I forget it's there. Even though I smile and do my best to enjoy life, the dirt is there, hiding my gold, my true joy and love. I know my gold is seen by those close to me and who love me dearly, and when I am alone working on myself, I too see it. But to really let the world know about the little specs in all that dirt? I just don't know if I am brave enough yet. All I know is that it is there. It is in you too. And maybe when we summon up the courage to let the world know, maybe the world won't laugh. Maybe the world will say, "Me too!" and then when we encounter one another, we will see the gold that is there, hiding in the dirt, and smile with joy and love, rather than with disgust and judgement. Even if the gold is tiny little specs. We will notice them in others because we know it is in us. And then we can stop the hiding and the pretending and just let our gold shine!

Just Show Up

Dan has crohns. It is an autoimmune disease that attacks the intestines. It can be painful and cause numerous health problems. He has been in remission for some time now because of a certain medication that he takes. Every two months we hop into our car and head to the hospital so he can get injected with this medicine. While the I.V. is inserted into his body we hang out for a couple of hours. We talk, laugh, play games and eat. Since being with Dan I have gone to every treatment with him, watching him get poked and pricked, with some enjoyment and pleasure of course. If I happen to be especially annoyed with him for some reason, I make a point to tell the lovely nurse to poke him hard if neccessary. Did I mention I can be a sadist?

No! I am not a sadist, I just like to watch Dan go through little nuisances as I have to go through mine. Only mine is every month while his is every two, so I can smile inside when I watch the needle poke in his gentle and hard working hand. :)

In all seriousness, I don't really enjoy it all that much. I don't like to watch those I love suffer or go through anything that requires any kind of misery. The reality of life, however, is that we all have our little nuisances that we could live without, but we do, and although they require special attention, we should not be indifferent to them or give them power.

I know Dan would love to live life without crohns and enjoy a big hot buttery bucket of popcorn. And when I am more than annoyed with him that's another way to show it. I love the crunching and melting of the popped kernel in my mouth while the buttery taste swooshes all over my palate...mmmm..... take that cowboy! Okay, I am really not that insensitive, but I know it's a little annoying when the family enjoys our favorite movie snack while he chomps on corn nuts. But being the trooper that he is, he sometimes will take a mouth full of that ass kickin popcorn chew it and then spit it out! We all accomodate our nuisances somehow, and that's his way. No judging please, as I do make sure he spits it at the dog. :)

Crohns can be a serious illness. I don't know everything about crohns, only that it can be painful and cause other nuisances. Dan has been faithful in showing up to his treatments for the last eight years. Since he has taken time to do so, his crohns is under control. Even when he feels fine he still shows up. He still gets his treatement. He still gets poked and for two hours pumps his body with immune fighting medicine. And this made me think about life...

That even though we seem to be fine we still need to show up:

Show up as a spouse
Show up as a parent
Show up as an employee/employer
Show up as a son or daughter
Show up to our recreational activities
Show up as a friend
Show up as a brother or sister
Show up as a neighbor
Show up to life....


Not just show up as in existing. Show up in living out loud with who you are!  Just because life seems okay, or not okay, doesn't mean we let the hours tick by with no meaning or purpose. To find the joy in the ordinary, mudane existence we call life, is what makes life beautiful. When we stop showing up life becomes less than ordinary. It becomes miserable. It becomes meaningless. And it becomes lonely.

It isn't easy to show up sometimes. When we are feeling less than or overwhelmed it is difficult to want to show up. But when we force ourselves out of bed when we would rather stay in and entertain our misery is a huge act of showing up, even when we don't know what else to do. To keep showing up to a job that seems hopeless and worthless while trying to smile and find the enjoyment, again is another great act of showing up. To listen to our friends ailments rather than judge her... To put a stop to our temptations when we know it would hurt our spouse if they knew what we were doing... To put down the popcorn and just show up to a treatment and play games for two long hours...

Yes, life is about showing up. It's not about the right answers or being better or having. It's about showing up as ourselves and saying, "Here I am!" All imperfect, and messy, and full of love! Sometimes that's all is required of us... to JUST SHOW UP!

God Give Me Wisdom and Courage...

There is an ancient story of long ago about two mothers. There was a famine in the land and resources were scarce and so one of the mother's baby died. So she stole the other mother's baby, and put the dead baby next to the other mother. The other mother knew what happened and demanded her baby back. The only way to settle the matter was to bring it to the King. He was the wisest King known of all time, so the desperate mother knew he would be able to bring justice. When the mother told of her predicament and demanded her baby back, and seeing that the other mother was just as desperate in claiming that the child was her own and the other mother was lying, the King's solution was shocking but effective. He told one of his servants to cut the baby in half and give each half to the two mothers. One mother shouted in agony and pleaded with the King not to do that. To go ahead and give the baby to the other mother. The other mother smiled in victory. So the King changed his mind and gave this order, "Give the child to the mother who pleaded to stop the execution, obviously this is the real mother of the child, as she did not want to see her baby die."

What a wise King indeed. I wish we still had wise rulers today who really do look out for the best interest of our families. But then again, what about the wisdom of the mother who was willing to give up her baby just so that her baby could live? Hmmm. I can't help but think about my own situation when I remember this story. Lately I have been watching my own children suffer and I am trying hard to determine if it is because of the divorce or because of typical adolescent immaturity. I know that I can't keep every bad situation from my kids and whether I was still married or not they would still have to face choices and decide for themselves what kind of life they will live. 

With that said, I am still trying to figure out what is best for my children right now. Although my ex and I have a 50/50 custody (seven days each) I am finding that it is becoming disruptive and socially awkward for my adolescent children. I don't want to blame the custody arrangements on how my children have been behaving, but because they have been going through some difficult times, I do believe the custody arrangement isn't the best right now. I don't know if there is a way around it so that we can keep the custody 50/50, for example, two weeks on and off. Giving them more time to adjust and have more time to hang out with friends, although it would be difficult to be away from them for that long period of time. 

Ideally, it would be better if I could have primary care of the children. I do believe they need stability and they haven't had that in quite some time. So many moves, and with me trying to figure out my career, and having financial stress, along with a few failed relationships, its been hard on all of us. But now that life is settling down and I am in a stable relationship, I do believe I can give them the security they need to grow up healthy. Over all I just want to see my kids happy and thriving. Instead I am watching them suffer and make poor choices. Naturally as their mother, I want to alleviate some of their pain and give them the best childhood I can give them, but with this kind of arrangement, I am finding it quite challenging. Like the mother in the story I want to see my babies live, not suffer and die. But am I willing to give them up to ensure that happens? Of course I don't want to give them up, but I also know that fighting for them like the story above, is only causing them to be torn in half! Having two homes and packing every week is exhausting and how can they possibly have stability with two different parenting styles, two different sets of rules, and two different ways of life? God knows I have tried to talk to my ex about these matters only to get ridiculed about my decision of divorcing him and getting bombarded with guilt. I know that asking full custody means fighting and court fees and attorneys. Is that really beneficial for my kids? I wonder though, if I gave up full custody to my ex if that would be an alternate solution???? 

I am humbled when I think of the mother who was willing to give up her baby in order for her baby to live. I am torn to pieces thinking about that. I don't know if I am willing to do that. Which makes me wonder if I am really that selfish. Perhaps the decision would be easier knowing that if I HAD to make that decision, that my children would be going to an environment that was better. But knowing that they would be going to an environment with a person who is emotionally unstable and whose priority is to fulfill some adolescent fantasy, makes it hard for me to just let go. 

This is probably the most difficult situation I have ever found myself in. 

This is one of those times where I wish I can make my ex see what I see. This is one of those times I wish I had the wisdom to make the best decision I can make for my kids, even if it meant giving them up, and the courage to do so. I know lots of moms do this; give up their baby for a better life. I now see their courage and their bravery and I now have a new respect for them. I know that the rest of the world will not understand these situations. I know the world will ask, "how can a mom just give up her child like that?" But like the story above, it is a matter of life and death. Only a real mom will make the sacrifices needed to ensure her child lives. 

God give me wisdom and courage... please!! 

Finding The Strength

Everyday brings new challenges. For me these challenges has been dealing with loneliness. Everyday I realize more and more just how destructive divorce can be. Even if it is justified and needed, its still a process that eats away at a persons soul. At least it feels that way sometimes. I know that divorcing my ex was something that I had to do, regardless of what others thought. And deep down inside I knew that my life would be better for it. But when I am facing some hard challenges in life and I am faced with the big unknown of the future, I tend to doubt my faith and myself. I don't doubt God a bit, because I know He is faithful and is bigger than any issue I face. It's when life gets hard that I forget or become so afraid that I begin to worry instead of practice faith. I am only human after all and I do worry. I worry about my kids and how being raised in a broken home is affecting them. I worry that I am not doing enough. I worry that I have ruined my life so much that not even God can redeem what I have messed up. I worry that nobody will ever love me and my kids. I worry that I will loose my apartment or not have enough food to eat. I worry because I am doing this life thing alone. Okay, okay, I hear you, I know that I am not alone. God is with me. I have friends and family that are with me. But don't you see its not the same as when you have that loving relationship with your spouse. Sure having God is awesome and wonderful and perhaps I should invest more of my worry time in prayer with him and studying his word, but how do you relate to someone who is always so perfect when you aren't? I know God extends a lot of grace, but sometimes I just want to talk to someone who has messed up too, someone who struggles with worry and doubt, and self worth.

Yes, I hear you, and you are right, I suppose all of this just shows how little faith I truly have. I know that I am just being impatient. I want that fulfilling life now! But as long as I live on this planet, I may never have that fulfilling life until I am united with Christ in Heaven for all eternity. Maybe thats why I tend to get so blue, and so frustrated with my life. Maybe thats why I can't make sense of my longing for passionate love and justice! Hmmm, maybe its because I am not meant to be in this world after all. Perhaps my worries are useless and my doubts nothing more than just lies, but I am here living in this planet I need some strength until I do make it to heaven. I need strength to find ways to know that I am doing enough for my kids, even when I lie in bed at night exhausted from just a hard days work and no time to interact with them! I need strength when I know I don't have enough money for food that somehow God will not abandon my kids or me. I need strength because I am weak. Finding the strength isn't always easy. That's why God is so great because its when we have no strength left that He manifests His, its just sometimes I fail to see it because I don't want to admit that I am that weak, that sinful, that vulnerable. I don't think I would be where I am if God wasn't in my life. At least I wouldn't be as strong!

With all that said, I am feeling very weak, lonely and vulnerable tonight and I am doing my best to find the strength to keep on keeping on. Pray for me will you...