1. My children, they are healthy, smart and full of life. They teach me what unconditional love is and help me strive to be a better person.
2. My job. Face it, in this economy I am very fortunate to have the job I do. Not only that but this is my dream job. I get to teach children and be an inspiration.
3. My Family and Friends. I am so blessed to have the family and friends I do. I need to let them know more and show them how much I care!
4. My Faith. This is something that will never be taken away from me unless I allow it. My faith helps me in times of need, strengthens me when I am weak, and gives me hope! I need to start living a life of faith more!
5. My Apartment. I have a nice apartment. Its enough for me and the kids and its clean and nice! I have been able to pay for it on my own for two years now. I have made it into my little slumber, and I love it. I should share it more!
Okay, so that does work! I already feel a bit better. But still no true joy or peace. Here is why. I have to say that I do need to let this little thorn in my side be known too. I know I can't focus on the negatives in my life, but ignoring it might also make the nuisance grow bigger, so I need to vent a bit.
Being divorced and single has made me grow up in ways I never dreamed. I thought I would be able to do more and see more and meet more interesting people, but that really hasn't been the case. For one, the finances are too limited with one income, especially with a teacher's salary. Second, I don't have as much time to invest in doing, seeing and meeting new people. I have so many obligations with my kids and work. And now with the dating scene and meeting new guys, I am starting to appreciate the concept of fidelity and commitment to one person. Although I haven't dated a lot, its still emotionally exhausting with kids and a new career in the mix. So here is my predicament. What I listed above, about what I am grateful for is more true to me than ever before, but I feel a sense of emptiness and rejection despite my many blessings. As you know I have been dating this guy, lets call him E, for four months now. Its been an emotional roller coaster ride. And if you were to ask him its all my fault! Maybe it is, and I am not sorry about it. I mean, I deserve a good healthy relationship. I am tired of being treated like a second rate person! So I demand a little more in our relationship. I don't ask for much. I just want to know that I am loved, cared for, and admired. I want to be lifted up and encouraged. I want to know that he thinks about me and that he finds me attractive, smart and funny. All of which I would want in someone I am dating. But he is emotionally distant. Mainly because he is a widower. I am trying to be patient and understanding but at the same time I feel used and somewhat rejected. I have my reasons for this and I just don't have the time to vent all of them. But here are few:
1. He does not like my son. I can tell by the way he talks about him. Seems to me that E wants kids that speak only when spoken to and who don't display any kind of defiance or hyperactivity.
2. Did not offer to come over yesterday when I was home sick with a migraine. My ex, however, offered several times to bring me breakfast, wash my clothes, and vacuum my place. I received a text from E around 5:30 pm after he was done with his own dinner. Did not offer any kind of help.
3. Valentines is coming up and no mention of any kind of plans. I wonder if he realizes that this weekend is the only time we have to celebrate it since I have the kids on actual Valentines day. My guess is he doesn't.
I know he is starting his own business which requires a lot of his time and money, but its the little things that he just seems to lack. Like offering to take care of me when I'm sick. Or sending me little notes to have a great day and to smile. Telling me that he is thinking of me. Making plans for the future with me. Even the way he kisses me seems distant and dry. So why don't I just break up with him? Good question.
If only I was a person who didn't care about other people's feelings. Then I could just break up with him and get it over with. Then I could live joyfully with all that I have listed above and not worry about this guy. I guess I am just disappointed in him. He's not a horrible person, but he's just not ready for what I am looking for. And because of his emotional state, I am allowing him to use me for sex and companionship. The truth is, is that I don't love him, and he doesn't love me. He is not what I am looking for and I am a chicken and a coward because I can't let him go. I don't know why. Every bone in my body is shouting to let him go so that I can be free to enjoy my life. I mean, having him in my life is not bringing me joy, only stress and insecurities, like why doesn't he do this or that for me? Why does he need to talk to her for? Why doesn't he notice this about me? And on and on it goes....
If you read this, send a little prayer my way for courage to do the right thing. To grow up a little more and take care of myself and my children. To stand up for what I know I need... a relationship that is mutually satisfying, uplifting and faithful! To focus on the more important aspects in my life, not men who really don't give a hang about me. Thanks.
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