Being True to Myself

The last few weeks have been quite pleasing in a small intrinsic way. For the first time in my life I am truly on my own. Even though I have been divorced for two years now, I have always had a relationship with someone. But now that I finally broke it off with E, I am fully and completely on my own. Although I find this time to be stressful due to financial limitations... thanks to my humble teaching salary... I am finding that being true to myself is really where true joy comes from. Yes, it is lonely and scary to be on my own, and trying to live life the way society thinks I should is conforming and oppressing. I am now convinced that my life is made to love God and honor him. No matter how lonely and how scary it is to be on my own, I know that God is there and that His love is what will heal me and make me whole and complete. I have hidden this part of myself because of fear of persecution and how I didn't want to be identified with other so called "Christians" who were anything but. But with everything I have been through, the epiphany that has come to me is that being true to myself is to be true to God. The only way I will be truly happy is to follow my heart and my heart says to listen to God's guidance for my life.

Because of my situation and wanting to be the best mom I can be, I realized that God, who is my heavenly father, not some unknown spirit who is critical and judgmental, but my daddy, truly and genuinely cares about me and my life! This is a big deal for me. I don't have much of a dad, and that may be why I choose the kind of men I do as partners and why I have such a need to be loved and adored. I know my dad loves me, but you have to understand him and the whole situation of our relationship to appreciate why I don't have much of a dad. Love after all, is more than a feeling. Anyway, I have been so unhappy with my life lately, thinking that there was something fundamentally wrong with me and that was why I would never have a fulfilling life. But these last few weeks I have been slowly surrendering my life over to God, giving him control of the outcomes. After all, I have been doing a crappy job with my life anyway so what do I have to loose in giving Him my life? So in thinking I had it all figured out, I am ashamed to admit how selfish and inconsiderate I was. Instead of being there for my kids, I was too busy trying to please these men I was dating. I was busy with school and teaching. But it was for them! No, it was all for me! Sure going back to school and becoming a teacher was a great decision, but dating and bringing in another man into their lives, was not! If I could give advice to newly divorced women with children... don't date right away. Wait until you are emotionally stable and when your kids are used to the idea of you not being with their daddy any more. That may take a while, but in the end it will be worth the wait. There are too many issues to deal with while going through a divorce that dating is just not viable. It doesn't make sense to start a relationship when there is too much to deal with, and with small children, they need you! They need you to comfort them, to be strong for them, to provide for them, and to assure them that this whole darn mess was not their fault! If I could do it over, I would not date! I would spend my time raising my kids right, and loving them.

Dating not only complicates the family dynamics with the children, but it also delays the grieving period of the losses that come with divorce. A person who needs to grieve should not date! It is not fair to the other person. How can you bring your whole self into a relationship if you haven't grieved your losses? Its just not fair to the other person. I can thank E for this piece of wisdom. Since he was a widower, I realized he wasn't ready to date either because he was still grieving. Dating him helped me realize that I too needed to grieve and do what was right for my children. There is a saying that everyone we meet is a teacher of some sort. In my life this is true, only because I do look to see what others can teach me. Even in a bad situation, there is so much to learn! So I have decided to leave dating alone and truly grieve ALL of my losses. Not just from the divorce, but through childhood as well.

This is why I have chosen to give my life over to God. There is no possible way I can grieve all of this and still have some sort of decency and love left. I have made so many mistakes that I need a God who will not only understand and forgive me, but one who will give me another chance. The God I am getting to know and the God who has been pursuing me, is showing me that I am worth all the love in the world and that He will guide me when it comes to taking care of my two precious angels. This God is telling me that I do have another chance, that not all is lost. For me, that is all I need for right now. To know that I am not alone after all. That I am loved, in the most perfect and true way! No more trying to fit in and find love in the wrong way! I know that not everyone will understand my ways or why I choose to live differently, but that's none of my business. I have to be true to myself; so that I may gain some self-respect, self-esteem, but mostly to set a good example for my kids. I don't want them settling or thinking life is about "fitting in" or fulfilling selfish desires.

I am more than excited to see how God is going to bless me now that I have decided to give him the reigns of my life and family. I cannot wait to share it with you all. I know that some days will be harder than others, and the journey of healing is not always an easy one, but I know its the right one for me!