Everyday brings new challenges. For me these challenges has been dealing with loneliness. Everyday I realize more and more just how destructive divorce can be. Even if it is justified and needed, its still a process that eats away at a persons soul. At least it feels that way sometimes. I know that divorcing my ex was something that I had to do, regardless of what others thought. And deep down inside I knew that my life would be better for it. But when I am facing some hard challenges in life and I am faced with the big unknown of the future, I tend to doubt my faith and myself. I don't doubt God a bit, because I know He is faithful and is bigger than any issue I face. It's when life gets hard that I forget or become so afraid that I begin to worry instead of practice faith. I am only human after all and I do worry. I worry about my kids and how being raised in a broken home is affecting them. I worry that I am not doing enough. I worry that I have ruined my life so much that not even God can redeem what I have messed up. I worry that nobody will ever love me and my kids. I worry that I will loose my apartment or not have enough food to eat. I worry because I am doing this life thing alone. Okay, okay, I hear you, I know that I am not alone. God is with me. I have friends and family that are with me. But don't you see its not the same as when you have that loving relationship with your spouse. Sure having God is awesome and wonderful and perhaps I should invest more of my worry time in prayer with him and studying his word, but how do you relate to someone who is always so perfect when you aren't? I know God extends a lot of grace, but sometimes I just want to talk to someone who has messed up too, someone who struggles with worry and doubt, and self worth.
Yes, I hear you, and you are right, I suppose all of this just shows how little faith I truly have. I know that I am just being impatient. I want that fulfilling life now! But as long as I live on this planet, I may never have that fulfilling life until I am united with Christ in Heaven for all eternity. Maybe thats why I tend to get so blue, and so frustrated with my life. Maybe thats why I can't make sense of my longing for passionate love and justice! Hmmm, maybe its because I am not meant to be in this world after all. Perhaps my worries are useless and my doubts nothing more than just lies, but I am here living in this planet I need some strength until I do make it to heaven. I need strength to find ways to know that I am doing enough for my kids, even when I lie in bed at night exhausted from just a hard days work and no time to interact with them! I need strength when I know I don't have enough money for food that somehow God will not abandon my kids or me. I need strength because I am weak. Finding the strength isn't always easy. That's why God is so great because its when we have no strength left that He manifests His, its just sometimes I fail to see it because I don't want to admit that I am that weak, that sinful, that vulnerable. I don't think I would be where I am if God wasn't in my life. At least I wouldn't be as strong!
With all that said, I am feeling very weak, lonely and vulnerable tonight and I am doing my best to find the strength to keep on keeping on. Pray for me will you...
Roxanne, I don't know what life was like for you behind closed doors. I don't know why divorce was necessary. Was it really? I am not questioning you but really ask that question to yourself. The reason I say that is because so many times this "fulfilling" life we seek is just about seeking our own (selfishness). The idea is put in our heads that there is more out there, something better, something we are missing out on because we are "stuck" in this moment. This goes for every part of our lives not just marriage, are we really stuck or is our idea of being stuck causing us to make the situation we are in worse than it is or worse than it needs to be? It is about our faith and trust in God. It is about self-control and working on getting past the rut we find ourselves in.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you find that place of peace and true joy in God. I pray that you see life as fulfilling right now...not something to look forward to. I had to learn how to see it that way too. It changed my whole perception when I made the choice to be happy no matter my circumstances. In doing so, I found that things started getting better around me, people started treating me better because I was treating them and me better.
I don't want you to think I am telling you that divorcing Amos was completely unnecessary, I don't really know. All I do know is that you are totally right how badly it destroys things. I don't know if you have seen Fireproof, but I remember a part in the movie where one guy is telling Kirk's character about the destructive force divorce has by using the pepper and salt shakers. Marriage makes us one and when torn apart it breaks us more than we can imagine, personally I don't know the feeling, but I have seen the affects.
I just want you to know that I am here for you if you need to talk, need prayer or just a shoulder. I know at one point you may not have thought I would ever talk to you again because I am still in the family. Maybe alone I wouldn't have, but with God by my side I can get past that idea, because we were friends/sisters and I believe we still are. Love ya! Sorry I wrote a book here...
Hi Crissy,
DeleteI appreciate your comments and I have thought and prayed about everything you have said. It is very true that we don't know the true circumstances of peoples lives and why they choose certain paths. I won't go into great detail as to my decision to divorce except that it doesn't make a person "better" to stay in a situation that is unhealthy. Because of your position with the family and your beliefs I understand why you feel the way you feel.
Let me just say that divorce is just another sin like any other sin. God hates it no matter what. Just like other sins it has its destructive ways. Hence, the family dynamics and the tearing a part as you described earlier. I am not one to judge someone for their decisions because there is always more to the story than what we know. Only God knows and only God can judge. I happen to believe that the blood of Christ covers all sin and that includes divorce. I also believe that God restores what the locusts have eaten. Right now I am in a place in trying to find that peace and comfort from God. Divorce is not easy and it comes with its own problems. But at the end of the day, even though I feel lonely, weak and vulnerable doesn't mean I doubt my decision. These are just feelings I am facing because of the sin of divorce. I would rather be single than be in a situation that causes more pain.
I know that in time God will restore and give me the joy that He promises. I am just another person full of sin and selfishness that God happens to love and adore! In so many ways Crissy, this experience has humbled me in ways you can't imagine. I am more compassionate and less judgmental, I am more sensitive to others struggles rather than trying to fix them, I am leaning MORE on God than I ever have before. As the good word says, God turns something that is bad into something good!
You're right divorce is a sin, like any other and God will forgive. I don't think it makes a person "better" to stay in something unhealthy. What I do think is why get in something unhealthy to begin with? We are not stupid people, we know who we are marrying, dating, befriending...yet we think we can change them or maybe someday they will change on their own. Well we know that won't happen until they want to and that is something that no all people want. I don't judge you for what you did. That is between you and God.
DeleteI am happy that you have chosen to seek God on all this and allow Him to restore you. Too many times after break up's we tend to lose ourselves in Satan's world and not always get out. My past is riddled with those kinds of mistakes, I wrote about some of it the other day. I know that God will take you where you need to be in His perfect timing.
I do understand that it is better to be alone than in any type of unhealthy situation. Now it is just about facing it all like you are doing and finding forgiveness, peace and let God guide you.
Roxanne, you have been heavy on my heart this past couple of months and I don't know why. Maybe it was just to pray for you and maybe it was to open the communication back up. Either way, I am here to help you in anyway I can.
Crissy,
DeleteI wish life was that easy and that we were mature and wise enough to know exactly what we are getting into before we make commitments. Wouldn't it be a wonderful life if there were guarantees about what we were jumping into?
I beg to differ on your opinion about knowing what we are getting into before we do. People lie, pretend and cover up. We really don't know who we are marrying when we marry them. People change. People get tempted. People fall and make mistakes. Sometimes people choose to leave. There are NO GUARANTEES in life. That is why we must have a solid foundation in Christ.
Crissy, Amos and I didn't date before we had kids or marriage. We did everything backwards. I met him during a vulnerable time in my life. I got pregnant within a month of meeting him. And during that time, I knew he wasn't the "one." We broke up several times due to some abusive behavior on his part. I tried to make our relationship work, despite those behaviors. I gave him many chances and I forgave every time. I did everything I could to keep us together, and it is recently that I realized it was only for the kids sake.
You were not around during this time of our life. We met when we started going to church and trying to turn our lives around. I was so caught up in the religion and obeying God about being submissive and staying married, I let a lot of bad stuff slide. The truth is Crissy, I NEVER wanted to marry him. The church made us do it. I wanted to please God. And I believed that if I obeyed God then things would change. They didn't.
I love you Crissy, but please be aware that your perspective is a small portion of the truth. The truth is always much bigger than what we can see. I walked away knowing I did EVERYTHING I could to salvage the marriage. I have realized that there is nothing I can do. It still hurts, and I am still healing from the ramifications of the divorce. I have made some really stupid mistakes along the way, but God is faithful.
I think we are stupid people and that is why we need a wise savior like Jesus to guide us. Just my opinion.