Do Not Be Afraid

Last night I just couldn't hold in all the emotions that were stirrining in my heart. After dropping off my children to their dad's for the week, and being confronted with my enabling behavior towards my son, the flood gates opened up and I lost it...

Luckily I lost it with a safe person and I was able to sort through all the emotions and relieve some fears.

I don't think this time will ever get easy for me, leaving my kids for a week and missing out on part of their childhood. I don't think it will ever be easy for my kids either. Although they do appear to be handling it much better than me.

As much as I wanted to hide it and pretend it wasn't happening, cowboy brought to my attention my enabling behavior towards my son. I always knew I was, and thought I could get away with it without any consequences. I was wrong. I guess in some ways there was a pay off to why I was doing it. I wanted his affection and his approval. I wanted to keep the peace. Ultimately I wanted to alleviate the guilt.

Through all the tears and jabbering of my emotions, cowboy listened, nodded, and listened some more. He hugged me tight and then looked into my swollen red eyes and said, "It's time to stop being afraid. You are no longer in the same place you were, and knowing the kind of woman you are, you can do this. You can stop enabling him and he can start respecting you. I am here for you and I am going NO WHERE."

Doesn't that little speech deserve some sort of golden globe or oscar nomination? I think so. To encourage a struggling mom to keep the good fight, to bring hope to a situation that seemed hopeless, to want to enable courage when dispair is wringing its ugly head, is better and more insprining than any ficticious Hollywood movie. And it deserves credit.

No more guilt. No more shame.

I do not need to be afaid.

I can do hard things.

Long ago I wished I had someone in my life who loved me enough to call me out on my stuff and encourage me to be a better person. I have found that person. What more do I need to live a fuller life?

You too my friend. Do not be afraid.