Little Warriors

As I sit here pondering about my future I can't help but notice that my heart is heavy. On top of the heaviness I feel guilty and shameful that I have a heavy heart because life is going so well for me. I shouldn't be filled with fear but with excitement right? I mean I am engaged to a wonderful man, I started a fabulous job at a great school, and my kids seem to be happy for the most part. So I sit here and wonder why I feel so anxious and worried. Why do I feel so uncertain and absolutely terrified?

I suppose I know some of the reasons but I don't want to face them. I want to stuff them in and pretend that these "little issues" are not so big and that eventually they will go away and I will be at peace. I know I have been dealing with guilt from the divorce for some time and I have been dealing with life and all it's challenges, yet these feelings don't seem to go away.

Sometimes facing the truth is hard. Sometimes it is easier to pretend and go on with life as if everything is okay. I supppose I am tired of that bullshit. Tired of pretending that life is okay. Tired of putting on a smile when I just want to scream and punch out at the sky in utter anger! Tired of trying so hard to make things work when they just don't. Tired of myself. Tired of making the same mistakes and pretending "this time" is different. Tired of the way the world works...

Perhaps I am just tired.

I know I should be happy and excited about these upcoming changes in my life, but these changes also mean challenges. Challenges that require my children to endure and persevere through life in ways they shouldn't have to. But they do anyway. I know they do it because they love me. Because they want to be with me and I want to give them some good in their childhood, at least what is left of it. I know I have thought about giving them up to their dad full time so that they can have a stable place to be and not worry about being dragged from one place to another. But I am too selfish. I want them with me. I want to experience some of that childhood with them. I want to offer them little gifts of love, hope and encouragement. I want to see them experience life as they grow up. I gave them life and I want to be a part of it. Yet, there are times it is hard for me to look at them. I mean really look at them like I did when they were younger. That look of admiration, adoration and complete love. I don't offer any of that anymore because I feel so bad that they have to live the rest of their childhood in two homes.So I look away, in shame. I don't want to see them. To see the pain.  I know it can work, but only if all parties are willing. Only if sacrifices are made. Yes, this is why I am so terrified. Why I am having feelings of doubt.

I am scared my children will choose their dad.

If they do, I will be sad. I will be angry. Angry at myself. But for now they haven't chosen their dad. So I shouldn't sit here wondering what to do if it hasn't happened yet. I suppose I entertain these thoughts because I want to mentally prepare myself...just in case.

For right now my children are persevering through the transisitons every Sunday. Perservering through living in two homes and enduring the challenges that come with that. And because of that I am proud of them. Proud for the little warriors that they are. Proud that they are willing to sacrifice so much so that they can be with both parents. Proud that they are making life the best they can make it.

Sometimes we learn more from our children then from anyone else. I am tired, but I need to suck it up too. I need to keep pressing on and make the most of this time. To make sacrifices and know it's all worth it. To keep smiling and to start looking at them again. To offer them the best gift of all... myself.

 And when the time comes for them to fly away from the nest, I hope they can be proud of what they have overcame!