Life's Battles

Life is hard. I think what makes it even harder is wanting to take that statement and battle it out so that it becomes either "life is easy," or "life is manageable." But it's not! Life is hard. Perhaps the secret to enjoying life and getting the most out of it is realizing this simple truth! Life is hard. I don't know why life is so hard. I don't know why it can't be easy, or at least manageable. I suppose if I knew the reasons then I would be able to make life feasible. Isn't it true? The more we try to make our lives easier or manageable the more miserable, out of control and frustrated we become? Well, that seems to be the case with me. Everything is hard, and when I try to make it not hard, I end up disappointed, crushed and frustrated!
I think there is a resonating truth here about my parenting. I think I am too hard on myself because I think I am supposed to be better and perfect. The truth is, is that parenting is hard! In fact, parenting is harder than life! I know I am so far from being a good mom, and there is no question here about how much I love my children. That is not what is being examined or judged here. It's more about my skills as a mother, and they're not so hot! Mostly because I am burdened with so many other challenges, like starting a new career, paying off a tremendous amount of debt and starting a new relationship. More on that later. I have to admit that I get quite envious of those parents who are blessed enough to be able to only concentrate on being a parent and nothing else. Although I speculate that I am in the majority here. So I don't know where this notion that a "good" parent is one who worships their children and is able to give them 100% of their time, money and energy. Perhaps my self-judgement on these matters has more to do with my personal setbacks, and issues than actual reality of how I am raising my kids. In other words, I am basing my parental skills on an ideal rather than what is really best for my kids and myself!

I don't know if I am saying all of this to alleviate some guilt I am having for always hurting my kids! I messed up again this weekend and I am trying to figure out why I have been so irresponsible and selfish! I don't want to get into the details right now, but just know that I did not set a good example. Although I apologized to them and took responsibility for my behavior, it does not take away what I did. Those images they will have forever! And because I know a little about the human race and how we work, we tend to only remember the bad and negative things that happen to us rather than the good. Although my mistakes are not many, at least compared to some I suppose, I can only hope that somehow, by some miracle, my kids will not only remember the bad images of me as their mother but also the good that I have done too. I know I have to do that, or I will think I am the worst mother that has ever existed!!

Anyway, I know I love my kids, but it is time to fight life's battles without believing that I can change the outcome of life. Life is hard, and parenting is harder. I need to choose battles that I know are worth my time and sanity. I need to stop trying to be perfect and stop trying to make my life and the life of my kids easier. Life sucks and I can only do what I am capable of doing.... only God can give me the strength to go beyond that. And God knows he has been... but for some reason I just keep thinking that I can do all of this on my own, and I can't!! Perhaps thats the real lesson here- I cannot rely on my strength alone to achieve anything good... because life is hard, I need God, my higher power, to guide me and give me strength. Only because life is hard!