I am currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Committed. It is about her coming to peace with the idea of institutionalized marriage. After a horrific divorce, and all the guilt and shame that came with it, she never wanted to marry again. However, she fell in love with her soulmate and found herself facing the ugly truth of marrying him or living outside of the States, seeing that her new found love was not a citizen of the United States. Considering the fact that she did not ever want to marry again, she did want commit to him in the same way that marriage binds a man and woman. Due to circumstances beyond her control she had to face her fear of legalized commitment and find a way to make peace with her skeptical ideas of what marriage was all about. Her interviews, her research, and her personal experiences have me thinking about my own views of the idea of marriage and the idea of love.
As I sit in the beauty of my own home town of Taos pondering about my life, mostly my mistakes, I begin to feel a bit melancholy about the damage I have caused to my own life due to the poor choices I have made. After a few chapters of Gilbert's book, I find her findings and statistics alarming! Mostly about how much a woman must sacrifice in order to have a marriage. Not necessarily a "happy" marriage, but a marriage! To think about how the idea that since women are the ones to have the babies, it is typical that they give up their education, their careers, and essentially their dreams in order to stay home and raise babies. Of course this seems all too old fashioned thinking since modern women of today are allowed and have chosen to do BOTH. Career and family. Why not? But typically it seems that the domesticated chores and duties still seem to fall into the shoulders of the women causing sheer exhaustion and utter bitterness. Of course this may not be true of all families, as I do know of families of where the husband does take on equal or more share of the household chores, but when that isn't the case, well, leave it to the woman to step up and take on the role! Another alarming statistic that Gilbert states, is that women do not necessarily benefit from marriage as men do. Women tend to be more stressed out, have shorter life spans than their single counterparts, and are not as healthy either! Why would I want to marry after know this? It is amazing to me how Gilbert portrays the idea of marriage and no wonder she was so skeptical and cautious about the idea. But in the end, she realizes that the institution is as individualized as the individual. There are no universal rules when it comes to spending the rest of your life with the person that you love.
So where does this information leave me? Perhaps it leaves me to believe that I need to accept my solitary self before ever thinking about committing myself to another individual. Perhaps it leaves me to ponder as to WHY I want to have someone in my life and commit to them. Isn't that the biggest question I need to consider right now in my aloneness? Who am I? What is my purpose? Why do I want someone in my life so desperately? Especially when I tend to stress out, become overly emotional, controlling, and loose all sense of who I am. Why would I want to commit to someone if it means I have to sacrifice so much in order to have it? Why leave a marriage to only go back to another and face similar difficulties: boundaries, finances, raising children, who washes and dries the dishes, and where do we want to eat? Sure, those issues seem so insignificant, and I believe they are, but sometimes it's those little issues that may in fact turn so ugly that it causes loving, kind married couples to act like five year old little school children!
As much as I would love to have someone to argue with about household duties, why do I want that so much? Why do I want to fall in love and spend the rest of my life with someone who may find me so irresistibly annoying that they can't stand the way I chew my food or the way I always insist on having the bed made, or vice versa? Why do I want to voluntarily put myself through such misery? If I do some real soul searching and if I am truly honest, it is because I want to feel that I am loved... that I have been "chosen" to be loved by another infallible human being, and that I in return can reciprocate that love in return! That despite the fact that I have all the flaws I have, I am still unconditionally loved by another. Sounds a bit dependent doesn't it? I mean, in today's society we are told that we don't need another's approval to feel accepted and loved! We don't need anyone to tell us that we are lovable, good, beautiful, or wonderful! All that matters is what we think of ourselves! Isn't that what independence is? Maybe! But is sure is lonely!
I know that I myself am trying to find peace with my life as Gilbert was in search for peace with the idea of institutionalized marriage. I suppose I need to first come to peace with my choices and take full responsibility for them. Good and bad. I may have had a few bad relationships in my life, and I may have had a few failed relationships in my life, but I have to realize that I am on a journey here and that ALL of my relationships are a teaching tool to teach me about myself, my life and about the mysteries of love. Only I can answer those questions about why I want someone in my life, and who I am and what my purpose is. Maybe one day I will find that special someone, but I really don't need to look or work so hard to find him. I need work hard on raising my kids, and getting to know me! Then perhaps when the time is right, and my heart is ready to receive and give a loving commitment, it will happen!
I don't know how I feel about the idea of institutionalized marriage, all I know is that this is my life now, and I need to stop making it into something its not, and just work with what I have. I am not saying to settle for less or live a life of mediocrity, no! I am saying that I need to stop wishing and dreaming about what I want my life to be and work hard to face my life as it is and create something wonderful with it. Who knows what that is going to look like, but its better than trying to mold it into something that it cannot be molded into. I guess I am trying to say that marriage and romantic love are just going to have to wait while I live and create a life for me and my children. Nothing wrong with that!
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