Love Conquers All!

I don't even know how to begin with so much to say when so much has happened. I suppose it all starts somewhere so let me begin with giving you some background about my son, K. He has always been a tough little boy; defiant, strong willed, negative and yet full of joy. Now don't get me wrong, K is a great boy, but he's been through a lot and I think he is just confused. See, K really doesn't have the best male role model in his life, as his dad is a passive aggressive person. I divorced him because of some abusive behavior that was just beginning to wear on me and to save what little self-esteem I had I needed to end it. It wasn't easy. I know I've mentioned before in this blog how I had to get a restraining order in order to get free from him. Well, it was a long process in deed. As much as I like to tell this story in more detail I will save you some time and get to what I really want to write about.

K, has watched, observed and absorbed his dad's behavior. K's dad is not only passive aggressive but extremely negative and suffers from very low self-esteem. K's dad was also diagnosed with a rage disorder along with depression and anxiety! Not a good mix. So K had to watch his dad shout out abusive language to the world, to his family members and to himself. K also had to endure the affects of poor discipline and family structure. No matter what I did to discipline K, his dad always over rode it and made me the bad guy! I am not saying that I am perfect or that I didn't play a part in all this mess, because I am not happy with what I have done too to contribute to K's defiant behavior.

For one, I was a doormat, I allowed myself to be abused and to let my children watch it. I thought that staying in this relationship would somehow benefit my children since, God forbid, I raise them in a broken home! After all, wasn't it a bigger sin to divorce then to endure pure misery? I was living like a martyr, after all, I mean look what I was putting up with in order to raise my children right! Boy, was I delusional! To explain how I finally woke up and realized the errors of my thinking and to finally stand up for myself is for another post at another time. Right now, I want to talk to about K.

Again, K was always a strong willed baby. Stubborn and defiant. The church I was attending at the time did offer some great parenting classes, but it failed on how to deal with what I was dealing with with K. For one, K tends to go off on the deep end when he is really angry... just like his dad. I know it sounds like I am blaming my ex for K's behavior, but please realize that I am trying to give some background here.

See, just a couple of weeks ago during our family Christmas party, K was angry at me and angry at the family. So he decided to act out and when I tried to discipline him, he cursed awful things to me and then slapped me. Now, this isn't the first time K has hit me. He has hit me a few times. But this one time, I just had enough. I realized that there was something wrong. I wasn't really that concerned about the hitting, as I was about what was being said. So much of what he was saying echoed that of his dad. "Nobody loves me... my life sucks.... I want to die....etc..." I honestly don't know what to do about this.

I have K in counseling, and I am taking a parenting class. I give out consequences when necessary and I try and influence positive reinforcements. Nothing seems to be working! Why? I just had to pick him up from my best friends house because he was cursing and yelling at her kids. I was embarrassed, disappointed, and discouraged! And discouragement is not something you want to possess. At least not for me, because discouragement is the beginning of hopelessness and with hopelessness comes death!

But despite those initial feelings, I will NEVER give up on him! I know that deep in my heart, if I keep working with him, and loving him, and influencing him, he too will awaken and change his ways. I know I can't control him or coerce him into good behavior, but I refuse to give up on him.

When I brought him home, I gave him his sleeping aid (he has a sleeping disorder), and had him get ready for bed. I didn't say one word to him. I wanted to yell and spank him for his behavior, I mean when is enough enough? But I knew that yelling and giving of corporate punishment wasn't going to solve anything. So when I was calm I came into his room and lied down next to him. I asked him, "What's going on? " He didn't say anything. So I began to explain to him why I was so disappointed. I explained the best way I know for a nine-year-old could understand just how damaging his behavior was. He then proceeded to explain to me that he doesn't mean to be that way, and he just feels that nobody likes him. He went on to tell me that he feels alone and different. He knows its wrong to act that way, which gave me a sigh of relief, but just didn't know what else to do when he gets angry. I listened, and I nodded, and I listened some more. I began to realize that K does need more support in the area of tough love. He really needs to know that he is loved.

But isn't that true for all us? Don't we want to know that we are loved? I mean I can't think of any other worse possible feeling in the world, then to feel unloved. I suppose this is why the younger years are so important, because this is where the parents are to show love to their children so that they know they are lovable. And if a child feels lovable, then they know how to receive and give love. K's acting out is simply a cry for help, and a cry to be loved. Yes, he was loved for nine-years, but with all that abusive crap in the marriage, it wasn't easily displayed.

What I am realizing in my later years, is that love is not a feeling. Love is action. For example, an alcoholic parent sitting at the bar spending all their earnings on their drunkenness can feel love for their children and even proclaim their love to all who can hear, but yet neglect them for their booze, is NOT love!

I was too busy allowing abusive behavior in my home and worrying about trivial matters that I neglected K. This is not easy to admit, or write about. But I have come along way since then, and with all of the help I have received, (paid for) I know very well that change first begins with admitting and acceptance.

This is going to be a long rough road ahead. For one, I am doing it alone. Sure I have some support from my family and friends, but its not the same as when you have that kind of support only a mate can offer. My biggest prayer right now, is that K will have a positive male role model in his life. A friend, a mentor that can show him what it means to be a man. Unfortunately, K is not easy to deal with so not a lot of men are willing to step up and take the role. Especially the men I date. The guy I am currently seeing is more reluctant than my ex-boyfriend was. (SIGH) I think its about time I just give up on the dating scene and just concentrate on my own life with my children. As much as I would love to have a soul mate in my life, it isn't worth it to give up my fight for my son. I just don't have the time. And as much as I would love to have this guy support me and K through all this, I think that is just wishful thinking. Its going to take someone very special to be able to give me and K what we need. I am thankful for my best friends husband who was able to take a stand and discipline K tonight, but he isn't around all the time for him, and that is what he needs.

But I am not afraid, and I am not weary! Even though I am alone in this, I know that I am not. I have a Higher Power that will provide everything I need to see that we make it. I am more than confident we will, because LOVE CONQUERS ALL!