Learning to Parent... Part 1

Perhaps venting has its place and its good for the soul to let the tears come. I know that I need to wake up and taste, breathe and face the big picture. I should be grateful for everything in my life. And I do mean everything. I have a paying job and a nice place to live. I have healthy children who love me and with whom I am building healthy relationships with. So what if I can't afford a lot of stuff and do a lot of fancy things, but in reality this financial "crisis" has been teaching me a lot about responsibility and forcing us to spend more quality time as a family together.

This morning I took the kids to the community center and Stacy played basketball with the boys. I could see her confidence shine and it was good to get her up and going instead of playing computer games. While she played basketball I ran on the treadmill, 2 miles, and Kevin practiced his pool shooting. When I was done with running I joined Kevin. It was at this time I thought I would bring up some serious issues we were having with his behavior.

Last night E, the online match guy, took us to his friends house for a dinner party. I was very nervous for Kevin because he has been acting out a lot. Read my post "Love Conquers All." I know I have been working on him a bit, but I was a bit of a nervous wreck because I know we have a long journey ahead. Needless to say, Kevin did alright. He is making progress, as he didn't really blow up or cause a huge scene. My boyfriend on the other hand feels differently. Apparently Kevin called him retarded because my boyfriend was teasing him, was acting a bit "aggressive" with the other boy that was there, and didn't like the way he talked to him on the ride home. Now I am NOT going to pick sides here, and I am certainly not going to choose one over the other. I don't believe that I should have to choose one over the other, but if I had to, my son would win. I have my reasons for this, but thats another post for another time. Anyway, I was told by my boyfriend that I am not hard enough on Kevin and that is why Kevin is the way he is. Point taken! I don't deny it a bit. I know that I need to be harder on him. I know that I need to be more consistent. I know that! But what was heart breaking is that there was no real support from my bf. It was a matter of me being harder on him or we won't be together anymore. I understand completely. I wouldn't want to be around a ruley kid either. But what isn't being understood, is that this is not something I can do over night. This is not some easy task that can just take place and then magically Kevin is well behaved. And let me also mention that Kevin's behavior is beyond setting limits. I truly believe there is a mental, emotional deficiency of some sort. I really do. I do have Kevin in therapy and I am also in therapy and starting a new parenting class. What my boyfriend is not seeing is that I am working on this. And that doesn't seem to matter to him. The only thing that matters are HIS feelings. He doesn't know how difficult it is to raise a child since he does not have one of his own. Those of us with children know how difficult it is to raise a kid in a functional home of two responsible parents, so imagine the more difficulty when doing it solo in a home that was dysfunctional. Does my boyfriend see how I cry at night for him, how I read and study literature about his behavior, how I try every trick in the book, ie., marbles in a jar, tally mark charts, schedule charts, spankings, grounding etc, to get him to behave? Does he see how hard I work EVERYDAY to provide a home, food, clothing and a little fun for him? Does he see that I am working TWO jobs for that! Does he see that I do in fact put my foot down when I do see necessary, but sometimes I am just too tired to do something like protect my boyfriends feelings? Does he see how MUCH I love that kid and how I would sacrifice for him... even our relationship? No, he does not see all of this because he is too busy taking care of his own feelings. Needed to vent that!

Anyway, I know Kevin needs a good wake up call too sometimes, so after the community center I took the kids to the park and I sat them down at a picnic table and talked to them. I held a family meeting and told them that things were going to be different. No more letting things slide, no more disrespecting each other, no more "bad" talk period. The talk was a little heated, as Kevin leans towards arguing and manipulating, much like an adult would, but I held my ground. The meeting lasted about an hour, and I have to say it was quite intense and emotional. I think I might have gotten through to him because he apologized and said he would work on his behavior. He literally ran to me put his arms around me, squeezed me and said he was sorry. In the mean time, I am shaping up and giving out the consequences he needs. I know I am not a perfect mom, and I know that Kevin is not perfect either, but we love each other and we are learning from each other. I am learning to be assertive, and he is learning how to be more self-controlled... at least that's the goal. And I know this goal will be attainable and I do believe that we will go beyond it because of faith, love and patience!