Ranting

The crux of the matter in my situation is that I don't want to accept that this is my life. I have always assumed that my life would be something great. Something that would have meaning and purpose. But when I have a reality check I realize that my life is small. I shrink myself to accommodate others. I am sweet, polite and courteous when I really want to be mean, rude and selfish. But haven't my actions been nothing but selfish to begin with? Conforming in order to get what I want... approval, acceptance, attention. And in the end, I don't get any of it. I don't get approval, I get rejected. I don't receive acceptance, I receive indifference. I don't receive attention, I receive neglect...

All this sounds a bit on the self-pity end doesn't it? Maybe? But I am tired of holding all of this inside of me. Tired of carrying around this burden of feeling alone, rejected and uncared for. This timid, scared, conforming Roxanne that has existed needs to die. I don't want to care about what others think of me anymore. I don't want to be afraid to live MY life and be who I am! So I am not the coolest, or hippest person on the planet. So I am not the smartest, or the most beautiful. That doesn't mean my life shouldn't or couldn't have meaning, purpose or be something great!

But I am tired of pursuing the wind. I graduated with my masters and it hasn't made any difference about how I feel about myself, or my economic status. I am still afraid and poor. I divorced my husband in hopes to find true love, and the journey has been quite a journey.

Look, this is what I am tired and angry about... I am tired of working so damn hard and getting crumbs as compensation. I am tired of watching people complain about their life when they have nothing to complain about. Myself included. I am tired of this uneasy feelings I get that people don't like me, and really could care less. I am angry how selfish we are, and that we really don't care. Its true... people don't care! Who cares that as a teacher and mother with a load of responsibilities is burdened with so much trivial shit that she can't make ends meet or have feelings of loneliness. How she is surrounded with others succeeding by selling their bodies, souls and poison to others. How she is neglected by her family and nobody to turn to in times of need and sorrow. Everyone living their own lives, oblivious to those who suffer and long for some kind of belonging. Who cares about the people who have no chance in this world to really experience the kind of love that EVERY human has a right to? Who cares? Who? Who will take the time to befriend those who are a bit different, a little shy, a bit awkward in their own skin? Who will take the time to find out that these different people are different for a reason!! Or are you afraid of what you will discover: pain, suffering, neglect, abuse... or do you like them where they are? A scapegoat for your own inadequacies? Someone to keep you feeling strong, powerful and important!

Its not fair! Its not fair that the rich gluttonous know it alls keep all of their "riches" to themselves and only pick and choose who has the right to share in their wealth! Its not fair that the wicked prosper and make the weak weaker by their evil snares and indifference! But you know what's really not fair? Its not fair that I don't have someone to slap some sense into me and wake me up from my own self-pity and ranting non-sense.