Learning to Parent Part 2

This weekend was incredibly joyous thanks to the help of warm weather and good friends! Through the new group I have been going to, a lady in that group has just started a photography business and she graciously offered to do a shooting for me and my kids. We took the pictures at the Botanic Gardens and as soon as I get the CD I will post the pictures. I am so thankful for people who are giving and considerate of single family households.

What I want to talk about today, however, is how I learned something valuable. Something that will change the way I parent for the rest of my days. At least that is my hope. Since I have always wanted some outdoor family photos, I was more than anxious to get my kids all dressed up and looking good for the camera. I, myself, put on a little summer dress, and my daughter wore a cute denim skirt with some leggings. I wanted my son to wear a polo shirt but he had something else in mind. He wanted to wear a t-shirt, and not just any t-shirt, he wanted to wear a t-shirt that defies homework and school. Now, being a teacher, its not becoming of your own child wearing stuff like that. If you happen to be chuckling a bit about that irony , you are probably not alone. I do find it quite ludicrous as a matter of fact, but still, I wanted Kevin to wear something nice, something that would make us look beautiful, desirable and well, good! Kevin was happy with just his t-shrit and didn't understand why I was fussing about him changing into something "nicer."

"What, mom? Are you saying I don't look good?" he says annoyingly.

"No, Kevin, I am not saying you dont' look good, I just want you to put on something nicer!"

"Why? What's wrong with what I have on?" I can feel the tension in his speech.

"Nothing... I just want us to put on something nice so I can remember you."

"You mean you can't remember me with what I have on now?" He stares at me with those brown eyes.

I sigh a bit, I think about what he says, and say, "Okay, I get it, and I am sorry. There is nothing wrong with what you are wearing. I want to remember you just the way you are."

And then we went and took our pictures. He was happy, and so was I.

He was right. I was in the wrong. I don't want to remember him looking NOT like himself. The kid rarely wears polo shirts. He is a t-shirt guy, and isn't ashamed of it. Why was I? Thats where I needed some introspection.

The lesson that may change my parenting is this. I need to accept my children for WHO they are. It is not my business to change them into something I want them to be. I need to let my children know that I accept them for WHO they are, dress and all! Does it really matter in the end what clothing they wore or what hairstyle they have? I realized at that moment the message I was giving my son. I was essentially telling him I don't approve of him because I don't approve his choice of clothing. Of course I will never allow attire that offends, but his t-shirt was nothing more than just a t-shirt-- an expression on how he feels about homework and school. Nothing offensive.

I was humbled that day because as I reflected upon my actions and the tension I caused right before the photo shoot, I realized that I was putting my idealistic view of what a family should look like in photos. Perfect. Perfect smiles, perfect clothing, perfect background, just looking happy and perfect. And if finally dawned on me that I have extended my disease of perfectionism unto my children. What a horrible environment to parent in and to be raised in.

From now on I will accept my children for who and what they are. Messy, loud, defiant, crazy, hyper, and sublimely beautiful! From now on my words will display acceptance, not disapproval. My words will edify and build them up, not bring them down or make them feel that they don't measure up. I will teach them gently when they are wrong, and encourage the heck out them!!! Can't wait to post the pictures for you to see! They are exquisite!