NO MATTER WHAT

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

LIke any parent in this world, we all want our children to be happy and to be brave. Brave enough to be themselves when the world is telling them to be something different. Something that is "acceptable." For reasons beyond my comprehension our society has placed so many pressures on our children. The pressure to be "successful." And that success is defined by not what it means to create and develop the person we were meant to be, but success that buys more and pleases the masses. 

I have been having this conversation with my new found love lately, now that we are going to become a blended family. I have so many concerns and questions and tons of fear on how this new life is going to pan out. I want so much to teach my children to be who they are and to forget the rest. I want them to know that NO MATTER WHAT I have their back. It doesn't matter what they do or how they turn out. I will love them and support them. 

But in the real world, this is a bigger battle than I can take on on my own. 

The real battle here is not telling and proclaiming the truth of the above quote. To reiterate this idea into their little heads and hearts is not the issue here. The battle I face friends is that I can only fight this battle twice a month. Because I am still dealing with guilt and shame of breaking up the family and agreeing with a 50/50 custody. I have already missed a lot in their life because of this custody arrangement and it makes me feel unworthy. Unworthy as a mom. And when I do get to see my kids, I may in fact overcompensate with discipline, gifts, or lack of discipline. Either way I am not parenting with love and vigor, I am parenting out of fear, guilt and shame. 

I know, I know, you thought I was over that already. Well, I don't know if I will EVER get over it. I mean how can I get over the fact that my kids are constantly being transferred every week to a new environment with different rules and different philosophies about life? 

I don't think I will get over it, but I can adjust and make the most of it. I mean, after all I am a Warrior, a Fighter, not a complainer or a victim! I know I have been trying to find peace with raising my kids in two different homes. It has been a difficult battle. But now that life seems to be settling down a bit, I can see the light that will lead to the wholeness I have been craving for my children. I know that marrying a new man will bring in new issues and new adjustments for all of us. I know my cowboy will have to make some major changes as well. And with all these changes I want to show my children that NO MATTER WHAT we remain true to who we are. NO MATTER WHAT we have each other's backs. NO MATTER WHAT love always prevails over fear. NO MATTER WHAT!!