Stubborn Hope

Life is hard. How many times have I read, experienced, and said those very words. Yes, life is indeed hard. When I look back on all that I have been through and all that other's had to endure, life sometimes just isn't nice. I have been struggling lately with depression and anxiety. Unresolved anger and fear linger in my soul and even though it is uninvited and unwelcome, it lingers causing so much grief-- robbing me of the joy that life also offers. Because life is also beautiful and wonderful and amazing.

"Fake it til' you make it."  That's what has been getting me through this depression. I smile, pray and perform acts of gratitude in order to suppress the pain that comes with grief. But it's there. Always there.

I pray to a God I don't understand, pleading, begging and demanding that he/she remove this burden from me. Yet, it remains. Mocking me. Leading me. Controlling me. The more I try to suppress it, the more it grows and the deeper I fall. It's an ugly, but somehow a beautiful array of cyclical symbiosis.

Yet, I keep fighting. I keep believing. I keep on keeping on. And for that very reason, hope stays a lift. Hope gives a little shimmer of light in the darkness.

Some days, it's extremely difficult to find the shimmer to of light. Days when you hear the news of tragedies around the world. Days when you are betrayed by the ones who claim to love you. Days when you are so exhausted and angry that you just want to runaway and hide. There are moments in time where I question my faith. Where I question the state of humanity. Frightened for the future. It's easy to fall into the depths of depression, fear and anxiety when there is so much evil and badness in the world.

It's easy for me to fall into so much negativity with all the negative in my life. And when some kind of evil strikes, it leaves me confused. Sometimes we will never have an answer to why the evil happened. Maybe because of the abuse and neglect of my childhood, I am left with no tools on how to fight this evil. Or at least not take it so personal. So I do the best I can.

And so I sit here, thinking, yes, that's true isn't it. I do the best I can. And with all that rambling, what I am trying to say is this: We all struggle. We all witness and experience evil in our lives. So it's easy to see this world as it is, and shrink with fear, depression and anxiety. Suspicious of people and angry for the crimes we commit to one another-from murder, cheating, stealing and gossiping. And it's tempting to stay isolated, and to succumb to live a life of selfishness. We all understand and accept the woman who lives in such a way, because it makes sense. So when we meet someone who decides to not let this world overcome her, who says, by her presence, that it is better and nobler to live with hope, we become angry and defensive. We want nothing to do with such madness. And it is, isn't it? MADNESS. Madness to believe in good in people, and in life. Those people who live with purpose-- you know the extremists, the self-righteous who proclaim that we shouldn't let the evil in this world win. Yes, they are crazy indeed. Don't they know that life is hard! Don't they know that people are untrustworthy? Don't they know that their faith is blind and nonsense?

 Don't these people SEE how awful this world is??

Of course they do! Then why and how do they do it? How are they able to have such conviction? Such confidence in their hope?

It's because they not only see this world as it is, but they see it as it should be. And it is the should be that drives their conviction. That's where the hope comes from. They live, despite the evil, trying to make this world as it should be. If that isn't madness, then I don't know what is.

Me? I use to see the world as it should be, and it left me sad, because there is little to no support on my end. Too much shit happened to me to believe that life can be what it should be--Abused, Used, Neglected.

Every time I put myself out there- Every time I gave myself away- Living with the hope that life can and should be better- I was either abused, used or neglected over and over again.

No matter how hard I tried, I ended up in the same place.

All of this, and so much more, has left me tired. I am drained from all the lies, neglect, and unreciprocated support. I am tired of it all. Slowly I watch myself loose more and more shimmer of light. Becoming more negative. Becoming more angry. Becoming more suspicious. As much as I want to, and desire to, see life as it should be, I don't trust myself anymore to go there.

I promised myself I wouldn't end up here, and yet here I am. All because I wanted to see life as it should be. All because I wanted to believe that people are inherently good. All because I don't know any better.

Life is hard. No, Life sucks, no matter how you look at it, because people suck. And like the weed that grows in a conspicuous lifeless place, my hope shines. Stubborn and relentless, the little tiny speck of light that remains in my soul, flickers. And with all the gentleness, and love I can muster, and with squinting eyes, I see the flickering light, and know that I mustn't give up. I must continue to fight the good fight. I have three little ones depending on me. I have a world depending on me. So I forgive God for letting me down. I forgive my husband for letting me down.  I forgive myself daily for all the times I let myself down. After all, I am doing the best I can, and while there will be days of gloom and darkness, I will join the ranks of all the mad people in this world and smile. I will love. I will forgive. I will not let the evil win.