"Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.
If we want to teach our chilldren to dare greatly in this “never enough” culture, the question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way?” as it is: “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?”."
YES, YES, YES!!! This is the target I have been aiming at since going through my journey as a single mom. And now that we are a blended family it is still my philosphy and my mantra.
In my post "How My Children Will Turn Out" I explain this, but not so eloquently as Dr. Brene Brown here in her book Daring Greatly.
When my children were younger I would read the latest edition of parenting books and tried their techniques to "improve" my children's behavior. I tried the naughty step, time out, and wrestled with the ever so great debate of, to spank or not to spank. Sometimes I just lost my patience and whacked their bottom. But in all reality, as my children were getting older and, as hard as it is to admit, as I was getting older too, I realized that my children's behavior should not be my biggest focus. To focus primarily on behavior led only to shame and disappointment, which resulted in strained relationships and pure exhaustion. Try placing a strong willed boy in a naughty step for two hours! Of course I want my children to behave propely and appropriately, but if all I ever did as a mom was correct them, shame them, and punish them for wrong behavior, then how could they ever develop into their true selves? How will they learn from their mistakes and understand that being human is to make mistakes and learn from them?
I know it is cliche to tell our children, "Do as I say, not as I do," but are we not in a sense just copping out when we say that? Or are we saying that we don't like our own behavior and we certainly don't want our children to behave like that, so we say that silly statement. I say silly because children do do what we do! The only way children really learn is through modeled behavior. As a teacher of mid-schoolers, I know the best method to teaching is to model it for them first. Same goes for parenting. If I want my child to grow up to be loving, kind and brave, I need to model that for them. How I act, and who I am as a person, does say how my own children will turn out.
I would like to add a disclosure here. I do believe it is dangerous to try and model "perfect" behavior for our children. What I mean is that sometimes we do want our children to be "better" than us, and so we will try and live out a perfectionist lifestyle. A lifestyle that promotes "be good and perfect" rather than just be. I am not saying that our children are going to become exactly like us. No, no, no. That would be horrible wouldn't it? I mean the world only needs one of us and one of us is enough! What I am trying to say here is that our children are watching our every word, our every action and our every decision. They are learning how to live this life through the way we live ours. If we live a life pretending to be someone else, or have adopted the ideas of perfectionsim, then our children will grow up anxious, fearful, and very confused. If we live a life of being true to who we are, allowing ourselves to make mistakes and learning from them, our children will grow up accpeting, kind and with a strong sense of who they are.
As Brene Brown stated, it is NOT about the skills of parenting that matter the most, although some skill is needed. Parenting is in fact a reflection of who we really are and how we want to live our lives. Parenting is in fact the greatest gift of love ever to be concieved on this planet. I know I am not perfect and I have made some mistakes, but there is no mistake in loving my kids and living out my life the best I know how. If I am teaching my kids anything, I am teaching them to be kind, giving and that happiness is really a choice, not an outcome. If I want to teach my kids anything, I want them to learn that being your true self is enough.
Parenting is hard because we don't want to look our children's faces and see ourselves. We do want better, but in trying to achieve better, we have lost the fight of what really matters. If we want better then we need to be better ourselves. We need to show compassion, kindness and be brave. Parenting isn't a job, it's a lifestyle.
So when my children do misbehave, I will give out the appropriate consequence, but I won't shame them or continue to hold a standard that is impossibe for them to achieve. I mean, don't we all misbehave from time to time and don't we all want a little acceptance and grace when we do? Of course we all want children who behave, but in the end it's not my children's behavior that defines them or my parenting skills, but who they are as people and who I am. Messy, but loveable!
I would like to add a disclosure here. I do believe it is dangerous to try and model "perfect" behavior for our children. What I mean is that sometimes we do want our children to be "better" than us, and so we will try and live out a perfectionist lifestyle. A lifestyle that promotes "be good and perfect" rather than just be. I am not saying that our children are going to become exactly like us. No, no, no. That would be horrible wouldn't it? I mean the world only needs one of us and one of us is enough! What I am trying to say here is that our children are watching our every word, our every action and our every decision. They are learning how to live this life through the way we live ours. If we live a life pretending to be someone else, or have adopted the ideas of perfectionsim, then our children will grow up anxious, fearful, and very confused. If we live a life of being true to who we are, allowing ourselves to make mistakes and learning from them, our children will grow up accpeting, kind and with a strong sense of who they are.
As Brene Brown stated, it is NOT about the skills of parenting that matter the most, although some skill is needed. Parenting is in fact a reflection of who we really are and how we want to live our lives. Parenting is in fact the greatest gift of love ever to be concieved on this planet. I know I am not perfect and I have made some mistakes, but there is no mistake in loving my kids and living out my life the best I know how. If I am teaching my kids anything, I am teaching them to be kind, giving and that happiness is really a choice, not an outcome. If I want to teach my kids anything, I want them to learn that being your true self is enough.
Parenting is hard because we don't want to look our children's faces and see ourselves. We do want better, but in trying to achieve better, we have lost the fight of what really matters. If we want better then we need to be better ourselves. We need to show compassion, kindness and be brave. Parenting isn't a job, it's a lifestyle.
So when my children do misbehave, I will give out the appropriate consequence, but I won't shame them or continue to hold a standard that is impossibe for them to achieve. I mean, don't we all misbehave from time to time and don't we all want a little acceptance and grace when we do? Of course we all want children who behave, but in the end it's not my children's behavior that defines them or my parenting skills, but who they are as people and who I am. Messy, but loveable!
No comments:
Post a Comment