Marriage, Fantasies and Homosexuality

Everyday life can seem so ordinary, dull and uninviting at times. Routines can get mudane and unexciting. Maybe that's why we seek the dramatic exploits of fantasy. If only we could be flithy rich and famous, or maybe some sort of inventor of some kind. Perhaps an explorer of new lands or outerspace! Oh why can't I look like Angelina Jolie and have such a rich, exciting life? Oh why can't I be like James Bond, fighting the bad guy and with a new hot chick whenever I wanted? And on and on it goes...

Constantly comparing our ordinary lives with that of fantasy. No wonder we are so unsatisfied. No wonder we end up seeking the wind.

But I wonder what would happen if we decided to answer the call of adventure that knocks at our door everyday? Everyday adventure is waiting. Everyday adventure asks to come in. But instead of inviting this precious jewel into our lives, we leave it at our door step and seek that which destroys real adventure. We seek fantasy.

Let's take a close look at a  married couple. Let's say they have been married for about five years. After a year of dating, and getting to know one another, they fell deeply in love. They couldn't wait to see each other. They wrote love letters, or poems to one another. They texted late at night, talked through out the day and they always made each other laugh. They put the needs of the other ahead of themselves and their love was growing and thriving. So they married and had a beautiful ceremony. Their first year of marriage was just like their first dating year. But as life continued to happen there seemed to be less time for those love letters and laughter became a little less. Children entered the scene and they took a lot of attention away from each other. The wife gained a few pounds after the babies, and started to show signs of aging. Husband was working hard providing for the family and started to spend more time at the "office." Not to mention the new intern was young and attractive. She laughed at all his jokes and showed genuine interest in his life. So husband began to fantasize what it would be like to be with this intern. He started to flirt with her, and she started to flirt back. Soon they began to spend more time alone together and what he once had with his wife, is now there with this young intern. So he grows more distant with his wife. That new sense of adventure is no longer there at home. It is now with living out the fantasy of this new ideal of love and romance with the young and naive intern.
Wife is frustrated and tired. She doesn't feel attractive and notices the distance from her husband. She starts drinking a little more. She begins to feel like a martyr and fantasize about what her life could have been like if she hadn't married such a jerk. She starts to work out more and begins her own career path that she dreamed of before she fell in love and had a family, so she spends less time with the kids. The kids are trying to figure out how to treck this new terrain called life, but with no guidance from mom and dad, since they are busy fulfilling their emptiness with fantasy dreams, they are guided by peers, society and media. And since mom and dad fight so much, the kids are left with a skew view about relationships and real life.
A few years later, after husband's affairs, and wife's affairs with her own fantasies, they divorced. The kids now in the middle of  custody issues, they find themselves worse off. Husband is always dissatisfied and seeking the wind. Wife constantly driven by the same wind.

This story, although fictional, is true. Our divorce rate right now is close to 60%! That means a couple has less than 50% chance of making it til death do them part. The average length of a marriage is about 6 to 7 years. Althought it is not uncommon to hear about a marriage falling apart after 20 some years. And re-marriage is worse. There is an 80% divorce rate for second and third marriages!

Why????

Well, I suppose for lots of reasons. Affairs, finances, lying, secrets, drug addictions, abuse and violence. Oh yeah, and the ever so irreconcilable differences! Which is to say, "I love you but I am not IN love with you anymore." Or  we could say, "I just hate looking at your stupid face everyday, and I just HATE the way you brush your teeth, do you have to make that annoying noise!"

I am not a relationship expert, nor is my expertise in marriage and divorce, I am just a middle school teacher. But having gone through two divorces and now in my third marriage, I have been around the block and read a few things that make me want to fight this battle. I want the world to know there is a HUGE problem here that effects us all. In fact I am tired of our society accepting the statistics as something to be tolerated and as status quo, but rather as something that should be done to protect marriage.  Why? Why should we do something about our divorce rate and save marriages? Because if we don't, then our society will cease to exist. Our communities will become extinct. Dramatic you say? Well, just look around at the 75 school shootings lately. Look at the human trafficking going on in our own back yards. Children sold into sex slavery. How many children do we see become addicted to drugs and bullying? Teen pregnancy is romanticized and so are having affairs. Destroying lives and relationships. Our communities are at threat! Slowly dissipitating...

We live in a society that no longer respects marriage. "Just because there is a goalie at the goal doesn't mean you can't score." "I am married, not dead. I can still look and have a little fun!" I have heard countless stories of married women hitting on men and being single myself for a few years, I have had married men hit on me. I have dated a man who was addicted to porn and felt no wrong in participating in strip joints. I have heard of a story of a married woman wanting to pursue a career in exotic dancing, only to end her marriage in divorce. I have one friend who refuses to marry because she doesn't trust men. She was a pole dancer and took off her clothes for money. Her number one clients were married men. I wouldn't want to marry either if that was my perception of married men.

And what about keeping up with the Jones's? You know, materialism and debt? How career and having expensive houses, clothing, cars, and exotic trips seem more important than just keeping it simple and spending quality time with your spouse and children. Number one reason for divorce is finances.

I could go on and on about the stories of failed marriages and how they came to fail, but I think you know them. You know these stories because they are your neighbors, your brothers, your co-workers, and your parents. It is a rare occasion when you hear about a couple celebrating 40 to 50 years of marriage. And those celebrations will be less and less. I will be lucky to celebrate 50 years with my cowboy unless we live to be 90 years old. When I first married I was too young and naive to understand what kind of committment I was making. I knew there was an out, so I went ahead with it. My second time around I wasn't prepared for the battles that came my way. Although I knew the man I was marrying was abusive, I thought marriage would change him. I thought I could change him. I wasn't ready. I didn't know who I was and what my purpose was. I had two kids that needed a mom and dad and I thought I was doing what was right for them.
See, I believe that as a society we don't really understand what marriage is and why it is so important. Instead our society places an importance on romance and sex. Two things that are important in marriage of course, but they are not all that make up a good quality marriage. But what is also causing such big problems in our marriages is this false idea of adventure. For our entertainment purposes, Hollywood does a fantastic job on making our ordinary lives seem dull and unimportant. Our media is shaping our thinking in believing that marriage is for suckers and real living is about living out our sexual fantasies and pursuing riches. Our media is changing the way we look at women. Women are to be nice, sweet, and beautiful. Beautiful as in skinny with fake boobs and a tight body. Men believing that sexy is a Victoria Secret model. ALL fantasy. So our ordinary bodies, with our ordinary lives seem so ugly and unsatisfying, we end up depressed, angry or just full of shame. And since we don't want to admit these truths, we hide them by seeking the fantasy life, or with other behaviors like addictions and self-serve living.

With all that going on, I would venture to say that we are in a battle. A battle that is life or death. We need to start understanding the importance of marriage and family and start respecting the ring on the finger. Why are we so animate about acting like horny 16 year olds at all times? Let us grow up a little and start enjoying the lives God gave us. Let us start killing the fantasies with our so called ordinary lives and invite the grand adventure of everyday life. What is wrong with kissing the same woman every morning as she gradually changes more and more into a mature woman? What is wrong with raising kids to be decent human beings and feeding their curiosity about the world with positive affirmations and life lessons? What is wrong with facing and admitting our problems and finding ways to work through them rather than running away or hiding? What is wrong with telling the truth with love instead of keeping secrets and lying? What is wrong with living life simply and giving back what has been generously given to us? Why must we take, take, take? Married people are not free for us to take. They are to be encouraged to love their spouse and children. We need a society who can shape our culture into what is real and important. We need to fight for our marriages and our family. Our time and place is NOW and HERE. If there is ever a great adventure to puruse, a great cause to feel excited about, let us pioneer this unkown territory!

Oh and one more thing. For those of you who believe that same-sex marriage is a threat to marriage, you are fighting the wrong battle. I know your beliefs are strong in that homosexuality is a sin and therefore they shouldn't be allowed to enter such a sacred and holy entity as marriage. But the last time I checked we still allow other sinners to enter such a blessed covenant. We allow adulterers, liars, greedy people, and divorced people to marry. Some of these sinners are also a type of sexual sin. So unless you are going to protest and ban marriage from these people too, then you are simply being discriminatory and unjust. If you really feel the need to fight for marriage then fight for marriages to have more substance and quality. Start protesting against the evils that really threaten marriage. Homosexuals who want to marry do NOT lessen or threaten my marriage. In fact it is the husband who flirts with his co-worker, or the single co-worker who flirts with her married colleague; it is the wife who keeps secrets and lies to her husband about how much money she spent the other day; it is the husband who secretly looks at the Victoria Secret magazine longing for his wife to look like that, or fantasizing about having sex with the model; it is the wife who doesn't appreciate her husband and makes him feel like dirt that threaten marriage. Maybe instead of looking at the homosexual community as a threat, you can look at them as an opportunity to grow and learn. Perhaps we have a lot to learn from them. After all, they see marriage as something to fight for. Something to embrace and enjoy. A community who, maybe, understands the adventure and excitement that marriage has to offer, that they are willing to fight this battle. Friends, take a look at your own marriages. Just becuase you are married to the opposite sex does not mean you have it right. You’ll do far more good in the defense of the sanctity of marriage by writing a love note to your spouse than you ever could by updating your Facebook status with impassioned, scripture-infused messages in an attempt to put your morals on display. Stop with the madness and start with the love.

Provider or Parenting?

Sometimes in the effort to make ends meet and support my family, I may have lost sight of my parenting responsibilities.

Dr. Bob Barnes says: "Establish daily: 'What's the priority, parenting or providing?' You need to decide to sit at your children's bedside and talk with them tonight and do the laundry later---even though you are exhausted. Then, you need to make the decision to choose parenting first again tomorrow night, or there may be nightmares later on when the kids are out of control because there was no nurturing parent; there was just a provider.'"

Trying to be "supermom" as well as "superworker" can be draining and discouraging. So I need to remember how great and mighty God is. He does not expect me to do this on my own strength.

So my prayer is that I will go about ways I can change my days to be less stressful and more parenting-friendly. Now that my life has been changing for the better I can be diligent with how I spend time with my kids. Sure I would love to be a great provider for them, but in the long haul its about the memories I make with them. 

"A rich child often sits in a poor mother's lap." ~Danish Proverb 

Made to Meet Your Maker

It has been told that music brings pleasure to one's soul. I have to agree. I can't imagine my life with out the beauty of music. It stirs so much emotion and every now and then there is a song that not only touches your soul, but its message is so profound and true. I love when I find a song that just says everything I need to hear. I need to be reminded that my soul does not belong all to me. It belongs to everyone, mostly to my new lover and of course my maker... If you haven't heard about Mumford and Sons this song is just one of many that I find has a message for us all... Enjoy. 

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker

Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

God's Miracles

Hello again. Sorry for the brief absence. I have been very busy with the end of year shenanigans for school, and busy with life! First, I would like to say that God has been working some wonderful little miracles in the last few months and I would like to share them with you. The truth of the matter is that when you truly surrender your life over to Him, you really see the benefit and life truly is a blessing.

Back in January I began to take a 30 day challenge from a radio station called K-Love. Their challenge was to listen to Christian music and only Christian music for 30 days and see how it would change your life. My kids said I should try it, and considering how my life was turning out, I took it. It is now the beginning of June, and I am still listening to only Christian music. How has it transformed my life?

I am a single mom, divorced for two years now, and with it came many challenges like loneliness, and finances to name just a few. Listening to the music stirred in me the idea of hope and that I was loved even though I was full of mistakes. Prior to the challenge, I had dated men that what were wrong for me and my kids. The relationships were not good by any means. I was also just beginning my teaching career, but I wasn't fully committed or engaged in it. I simply walked in the classroom and relied on the routine to get me through the day. I isolated myself from others. When I did socialize I drank to the point of getting drunk. I even ruined a date because of this behavior. I knew I needed help when I even got drunk in front of my own children and I couldn't even drive them home that night because I had to pass out and get sober. When I drove them home that next morning, I could see the disgust and disappointment in their eyes. My heart was broken... what was wrong with me? I mean I knew better, and I just felt hopeless, helpless and utterly broken. I honestly thought there was no way to change. I knew about Jesus of course, but I was done with the legalistic religious values I was taught a few years ago when I first became a Christian. And because of that kind of teaching I couldn't turn to Jesus to help me because he was disappointed in me and wouldn't want to deal with someone like me! I cried in front of my children and begged them to forgive me. My son hugged me and said he forgave me. At that moment I knew I needed to make some changes.

So even though I knew Jesus was probably angry and disgusted with me I went to church anyway, and I began to listen to K-Love. The pastor at my church was preaching on a series called Resolve, about having the best year of your life when you follow God and surrender everything to him. He talked about making goals and going after them. So I did. I told God to take it all from me, and I wrote down my goals. They are still hanging on my mirror. I started to listen to the music of K-Love and I began to realize that Jesus was not angry at me at all and that I wasn't the only person struggling with life. During K-Love's drive I listened to many people tell their stories about how their lives were changed because of Jesus and the music they were listening to. I began to relate to them as I began to notice how much God was blessing me and giving me little miracles.

The first little miracle is the unconditional love I have found with my church family. I joined a support group with people who struggle with similar problems as my own. I have found people who were divorced and yet still serving the Lord and who were actually joyful!! I have met some wonderful ladies who accept me for me and who encourage me to keep the faith and to be a better a person. Women who hold me accountable. This is Gods love being manifested to me because it proves that no matter what, He will love me through his church. These people have given me a safe place to share my hurts, my pain, my struggles and yet there is no judgement or trying to "fix" me. They listen and then they tell me about their pain and struggles and how God was able to pull them through. The biggest lesson I learned through that is that God is faithful, and that He doesn't forsake or leave us! Looking back through all the mistakes I made, God was never angry or disgusted, He was always there. Just like the song says, He was there the whole time with me, leading me to where I am today! How awesome is that? That through my hard struggles, it was God proving his faithfulness to me! Crazy!

Second miracle, my relationship with my children and my ex has improved beyond what I thought was possible. I actually feel like a family now when I have my children with me. I am more present and I am learning to set limits and show love to my children in the same way God has shown love to me! I am so thankful that even though my children are coming from a divorced family, they will not be deprived of love and affection and that they will know God's love! I am also thankful that God lead me to forgive my ex and to forgive myself for our failed marriage. This was a huge liberating moment for me! I can't express how wonderful it is not to carry such guilt and anguish from divorcing! Thanks again to a support group called Divorce Care offered by my church.

Third miracle, I have been able to pay my bills every month even though I don't have enough. I don't know how God is able to make this happen, but its true. I started a jewelry business and I always get the sales I need at the right time. Or my church family will come and help me out when I need it. When I needed a washer and dryer, I got them and free of charge. When I needed clothes, a friend would take me shopping and she would pay. If I needed food, a family moving away happens to need someone to empty their pantry and fridge. If I was lonely, a friend would come over for dinner or someone would call to just check in. If there was ever a need, it was met. I can actually say that ALL of my needs have been met! Praise God!

Fourth miracle, my teaching career improved tremendously. My students noticed a difference right away. "Wow, Ms. Johnson, you seem so happy these days!" I laughed with my students, listened to them and taught with passion and life! My classroom became a safe place for my students to hang out during lunch. They actually enjoyed my presence! I have to say I did too! :) The biggest miracle for me though, was how I had to pass a certain test in order to keep the teaching position at the school I was working. I studied but not to the point where I felt confident. I prayed so hard as did my small group and other church family, that I would pass so that I could keep my job, and I was so worried that if I didn't pass I would be out of work and end up working at a place I did not want to work. When I saw the results I knew it was God! I passed and was re-hired. I am so excited to be back next year and start off with the right foot this time!

As far as dating, I haven't met anyone yet, but that's okay. I know God is working on me and my future mate. When the time is right and when it is His will, it will happen. I know now not to go after the wrong guys and to wait for the right one. I have found it is better to be alone (not lonely) then to be in a bad relationship.

As you can see all those miracles had miracles within them. I can't even count how much God has been blessing me and transforming me. I still struggle of course, I still have worries, but now I have God by my side, thats the difference. And that is the difference that makes ALL the difference in the world. I am beyond glad that I took that challenge... and I will continue to take that challenge because I want to see what God has next for me and for my family and friends, for this is only the beginning!

Not Strong Enough

God always knows when I need to hear something to uplift me and encourage me. Today in church our pastor was talking about the Lord's Prayer and how it should be lived rather than just reciting it. The portion he preached on was the very last bit of how the power and glory be forever God's. The biggest theme I heard through out was how we are to focus on God's kingdom rather than our own. That God's kingdom is where we find life, joy and peace. Our kingdom is broken and full of confusion.

The interesting part about today's sermon was talking about how God doesn't give us what we can handle. God always gives us more than we can handle so that we can depend on Him to pull us through. I can't tell you what a relief it was to hear that. For one, I have been feeling so overwhelmed with my situation, and I should be. For one, when I have my kids, I am raising them alone, and that is a daunting thought!! Second, my financial situation is so oppressing! I barely make enough to pay bills and groceries and yet I carry a superb amount of debt, it would literally make any financial advisor cringe! Thirdly, I don't have much support from my parents or family. In worldly terms my situation seems inconsolable, but in God's eyes its redeemable!

After everything I have been through, I have come to the realization that I am weak and I need God in my life in order to live! The message today was all about that. We are not strong enough to live this life according to joy, peace and love! We need a savior. We need prayer. We need to rely on God's guidance.

How great God's love for us is! To not let us dwindle in our little kingdoms when He is offering His Kingdom to us. Its interesting though, isn't it, how we don't want God's Kingdom. We fight God and oppose Him, and yet, He keeps redeeming us and offering us the greatest gift we will ever receive.

My words are failing me on how God is redeeming me and making me whole. I can't really explain how God is blessing me with a fulfilling life even though I have so little according to the world's eyes. I can't explain fully how God is teaching me to be a better a mom, friend, and teacher. I wish I could tell you just how God is working in my life and how He is giving me healing, joy, and peace! How do you put into words the redeemable love that I am experiencing?

All of this wouldn't be possible if I didn't tell God, "I am not strong enough to pull this off, I need you! Help!" In some way, I think God was waiting for me to say those words. God is answering and as the good word says, "God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond all that we could ever dare to hope, ask or think!" Wow, I can't wait to see what God has in store for me! :)

Spring Is Here!

I know spring is here when I am able to run outside in the morning and I see birds nesting in the trees! I love God's creation and that ability to run. I feel so blessed.

Spring is my favorite season because it is when resurrections are happening all over. What was once dead is now coming back to life! My favorite kinds of stories are those of new life!

What I love about God is His ability to love imperfect people and not just love us like we love a car, but passionately and deeply loves us. God's love is the perfect love because it manifests new life! It doesn't matter what was done in the past, God forgives and then offers something better.

As humans we like to remind ourselves of the past. We don't just do it to ourselves, we strategically do it to those around us. Constantly reminding them of all the wrongs they have done, especially if the wrongs were directed at us. I am not quite sure why we tend to practice such torture towards one another or to ourselves. Whats done is done.

I am saying all of these things today because I need to be reminded that my past belongs in the past. I have many failings and made many mistakes, but to dwell in the pain of my failings is to deny the new life Christ offers me. Even if people want to bring up my past mistakes or try to make me feel guilty for my decisions I will kindly remind myself that I am now walking a NEW path where my past is behind me. No more shame, and no more guilt.

Today I am going to enjoy the moments I have with my kids. No more dwelling in the darkness of my emotions and the severity of my circumstances. God will provide and is working his plan for me. Spring is here!

Finding The Strength

Everyday brings new challenges. For me these challenges has been dealing with loneliness. Everyday I realize more and more just how destructive divorce can be. Even if it is justified and needed, its still a process that eats away at a persons soul. At least it feels that way sometimes. I know that divorcing my ex was something that I had to do, regardless of what others thought. And deep down inside I knew that my life would be better for it. But when I am facing some hard challenges in life and I am faced with the big unknown of the future, I tend to doubt my faith and myself. I don't doubt God a bit, because I know He is faithful and is bigger than any issue I face. It's when life gets hard that I forget or become so afraid that I begin to worry instead of practice faith. I am only human after all and I do worry. I worry about my kids and how being raised in a broken home is affecting them. I worry that I am not doing enough. I worry that I have ruined my life so much that not even God can redeem what I have messed up. I worry that nobody will ever love me and my kids. I worry that I will loose my apartment or not have enough food to eat. I worry because I am doing this life thing alone. Okay, okay, I hear you, I know that I am not alone. God is with me. I have friends and family that are with me. But don't you see its not the same as when you have that loving relationship with your spouse. Sure having God is awesome and wonderful and perhaps I should invest more of my worry time in prayer with him and studying his word, but how do you relate to someone who is always so perfect when you aren't? I know God extends a lot of grace, but sometimes I just want to talk to someone who has messed up too, someone who struggles with worry and doubt, and self worth.

Yes, I hear you, and you are right, I suppose all of this just shows how little faith I truly have. I know that I am just being impatient. I want that fulfilling life now! But as long as I live on this planet, I may never have that fulfilling life until I am united with Christ in Heaven for all eternity. Maybe thats why I tend to get so blue, and so frustrated with my life. Maybe thats why I can't make sense of my longing for passionate love and justice! Hmmm, maybe its because I am not meant to be in this world after all. Perhaps my worries are useless and my doubts nothing more than just lies, but I am here living in this planet I need some strength until I do make it to heaven. I need strength to find ways to know that I am doing enough for my kids, even when I lie in bed at night exhausted from just a hard days work and no time to interact with them! I need strength when I know I don't have enough money for food that somehow God will not abandon my kids or me. I need strength because I am weak. Finding the strength isn't always easy. That's why God is so great because its when we have no strength left that He manifests His, its just sometimes I fail to see it because I don't want to admit that I am that weak, that sinful, that vulnerable. I don't think I would be where I am if God wasn't in my life. At least I wouldn't be as strong!

With all that said, I am feeling very weak, lonely and vulnerable tonight and I am doing my best to find the strength to keep on keeping on. Pray for me will you...

Something to Rejoice About!

If there is one thing in life I hate more than anything else its good-byes. I hate when life throws those unexpected turns and you find yourself saying good-bye to everything you were familiar with, and everything you were hoping for. Divorce is definitely a good-bye to many aspects of life-- Good-bye to wedding anniversaries, raising kids full time if you share custody, good-bye to companionships and the hope for growing old together. Of course in situations where divorce is necessary, and they do exist, may make the good-bye bitter-sweet. In my case it was a bitter-sweet good-bye. I knew the relationship was unhealthy for all involved. My grieving process for saying good-bye to all that I knew and what I was hoping for for the future definitely began before I actually left him. It is for that reason I was able to gain the strength to kick him out and fight for whatever the future was going to hold! I have to admit that it took every ounce of my faith to break up my marriage and take the kids and start a whole new life for me! When I think about how far I've come, I am filled with pride, joy and gratefulness.

There is however, a positive outcome with good-byes and that's new beginnings. New beginnings are scary, exciting and sometimes unwanted. Either way we look at it, all of us have some sort of new beginnings in our lives. Isn't New Year's about new beginnings? Isn't a new relationship? Having children? Graduating from school? Getting married? Starting a new career? Venturing into some unknown adventure? Chasing a dream? Death? Divorce? Illnesses? Diseases? And so forth.... It seems to me that no matter what we experience in life there is in some way a death and then a re-birth, a good-bye and then a new beginning! I don't know about you but that thought makes me appreciate life, the gift that God gave us, for what it is. I mean, isn't it awesome to think that God doesn't just leave us at a good-bye permanently! Not even death! And with His rich grace we get as many chances to continue to live as many new beginnings as we need to have everything we need, or to figure out just how stupid we are because we always had what we needed!

I guess this has been on my mind, because I am just so grateful that I have yet another chance to begin anew. Another chance to develop and be myself. Another chance at creating the life that has meaning, purpose and value! The one scripture that has been resonating with me is the one in James where it says that we should consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds. I don't know if I could ever rejoice when I am experiencing a hard trial in my life, but I do believe that if I have any muster of faith left, I can have joy that God is going to draw closer to me and watch over me as go through the fire. I know it sounds cliche and we have all heard it before, about God being there through our toughest times, that He is actually carrying us through, hence, the Footprints in the Sand poem. But I really do see how much God carried me through all I have been through in the last two years. The only way I made it was because He carried me through. Even though in my rebellion, in my sin, He continued to carry me just as he carried the cross to Calvary. No matter how empty I felt, or how guilty, He NEVER let me go! And when I was strong enough, he put me down, looked into my eyes and He said, "Hi! Its nice to see you again!" We were introduced all over again! And isn't that just beautiful! Isn't it lovely when we meet new friends for the first time? Even if its for the second or third or fourth time?

You know a funny thing has been happening lately... God has been blessing me with so much new life I feel special and loved! It was nice to be introduced to a new small group through church. It was wonderful to be with my children in a new way! It was nice to give and then receive forgiveness from my ex. Little by little God is proving faithful to me. And doesn't that sound so backwards? Shouldn't it be me who should be proving my faithfulness to God? But through my experience, it isn't like that all, because I am not faithful! God is. And when I go through hard times, its God who shows his faithfulness, not me! So James was right, consider it pure joy when you go through trials because it is a time that God will prove just how faithful, graceful and patient He is! That is something to rejoice about!

Prayer

Here are some of my favorite prayers:
Help. Please. Don't.
Show me. Guide me. Change me.
Are you there?
Why'd you do that?
Oh.
Thank you.

I will remember that I can trust my Higher Power!