Forgotten on the Operating Table

I have been trying for months now to try and find the words to adequately describe my feelings about my birth experience with my youngest daughter. It is socially unacceptable to talk about the ugly issues behind giving birth. Giving birth is “supposed” to be a lifetime moment that is remembered with un-surpassing joy. When you ask women to talk about their birth experiences, the majority will describe an experience that was empowering, wonderful and emotional. But for a lot of women we carry a secret of the grief we experience when our birth experiences are less than ideal. In some cases, we are left with post-traumatic stress disorder from the trauma that we are not to talk about.

Having a baby is a joyful event that is celebrated by all involved. So it makes sense that when a mother is done with her part (long painful labor) she is forgotten and all the attention goes to the new bundle of joy. So the mother is left with the aftermath of the pain, scars, and exhaustion. If labor goes well and with little to no complications, a mother can recoup within days after giving birth. However, if there are complications and a cesarean was needed, recovery can be painful and can take weeks or months to recoup.

I had two birth experiences when I was much younger, 21 and 24. Both were vaginally. My first was induced and long. I pushed for hours and still needed the assistance of contraptions to help the baby out. I had an episiotomy and my baby was bruised from the forceps. All was forgotten the moment the baby was placed on my bare chest. The look in her eyes, and the joy I felt was going to burst my heart. All the pain and suffering was worth it at that moment. It is what every mother dreams when she creates this wonderful creature in her womb. It is a love and bond that is so strong and beautiful. The only regret I had was allowing family in the delivery room. As much as they thought they were comforting and helping me, they were just in the way. They were all very joyful and excited to meet my daughter but it wasn’t about them. It was about my daughter, my boyfriend, and me. My family had to wait a long time to hold my first born, because I was too busy bonding and trying to breastfeed. It wasn’t a perfect, Hollywood picture birth, but it was beautiful. Recovery was weeks long because of the episiotomy. I never knew it could hurt that bad when going to the bathroom, and I never knew that much blood could come out of me and still live!  My second was peaceful, since I told family to stay home this time, and there were no complications. Having your newborn placed on your chest is such a wonderful and emotional bond. Recovery was only days long and a new family was created.

As a mother giving birth, your only concern is always your baby first and yourself second. We anticipate the first cry. We count fingers and toes. We awe at the creation that we nurtured and sacrificed our bodies for. We can’t wait to meet our little joy and to talk to her so she can hear the voice she came accustomed to for nine months. There really is nothing like it in this world.

So after four years of being a single mom I met a wonderful man. We knew that we wanted to share in the joy of having a child together. I couldn’t wait to experience all of the joys and emotions with him when bringing our daughter into the world. I couldn’t wait to see the look in his eyes when he sees the power of our love manifested in our child. I couldn’t wait for all three of us to bond- peacefully and joyfully.

My pregnancy didn’t skip a beat, just some minor stress related to family. I gained a little more than I would have liked, but it was nice to eat whatever I wanted, and my new husband took joy in cooking for me. We had a blast preparing for our new daughter. Her nursery was painted and furnished. My sister gave me a wonderful shower. My husband and I talked in the evenings about what our baby would look like and whose personality she would have. It was fun dreaming. We even created our own birth plan. We wanted a natural peaceful birth. No family or friends at the hospital. No drugs or epidural unless it was completely unbearable and I begged for it. Our code word was banana. We wanted to do skin to skin immediately after the birth, as well as breastfeed. It was important to us that we bond with our daughter, just the three of us.

When the day arrived and my contractions were strong and close together, my husband and I drove to the hospital and so began a journey that would change my perspective on births, cesareans, relationships and life.

We arrived at the hospital around 7:30 PM. Contractions were strong, but not unbearable. Unfortunately, the baby’s heart rate would drop after every contraction. That was concerning. So I was being monitored closely. Determined to go through this naturally I breathed through each contraction, and my husband held my hand. After hours of this I made little progress- I had only dilated to 3cm. already exhausted and discouraged, I asked for an epidural. I was hoping I could rest through the contractions so I could have energy to push the baby out. 

After the epidural was given, I was able to rest little. I had to be monitored and checked. Contractions were making little progress so they gave me Pitocin. I noticed there was a spot on my right abdomen that didn’t take to the epidural, so I could feel the contraction. They tried to pump more medicine into my body to try and numb that spot. It didn’t work. They pumped more fluid into my veins. They artificially popped my bag of waters and noticed it was colored. I knew that I had 24 hours to get this baby out or she would be in danger of infection. Still I only dilated to 6 cm. and the baby was not dropping. I lay in my uncomfortable bed, not able to feel my legs, but still able to feel every aching contraction. They pumped more water into my womb hoping it would make the baby drop. They tried to position me on my left side, since I was incapable of moving myself due to the epidural. Then one strong contraction came, it lasted what seemed like forever. I moaned and breathed through it. 8 cm dilated and the baby’s head was still not quite dropping. But the worst case scenario was beginning. My daughter’s heart rate dropped after that contraction, so low that the Dr. told me I needed a cesarean. The baby could not handle the contractions.

At this point, everything happened so fast, the details are murky and vague. I could see the fear in my husband’s eyes. I remember them placing a cap on my head and giving me more medicine to stop my contractions. The anesthesiologist came in and dropped a bomb on me. Because my epidural didn’t take, I would need to go completely under. My worst fear was coming true. I was terrified. So many thoughts were going through my mind. The worst of course was that my baby would not make it, or I wouldn’t make it. Before I knew it, they had me sign a bunch of paper work and then wheeled me into the operating table. My husband kissed me and then he was gone.

The prep time was slow. I lay on the operating table listening to the nurses casually talk about their lives and explaining to me what was happening. They shaved my pubic area and my tummy. I had to lie on my back with my arms out with only the view of the bright lamps. No longer was I in charge of my birth, my body or my life. It was in the hands of the medical crew. I had no choice but to trust them. I thought about my husband and what he must be thinking and going through. I desperately wanted him there with me, but because I had to be completely under, he wasn’t allowed. I prayed. I prayed my daughter would be okay. I prayed I would be okay. I didn’t know what was going to happen and I was scared, alone and cold. Then it was time to put me down. The lady calmly asked me to lift my chin so she could place the tube that would help me breathe into my throat. I started counting and then everything went black.

When I started to come to, I could feel an excruciating pain on my lower abdomen. My body began to shiver and when I placed my hand on my empty tummy, I felt an enormous amount of sorrow. The pain was overwhelming. I could not contain my shaking body and I moaned to cope with the pain. My husband was by my side, holding our baby. I wanted to hold her and feed her, but it was too painful and I couldn’t stop shaking. I could see that my husband was a bit reserved with how I was reacting to coming out of anesthesia. He was trying to comfort me by showing me the baby, but it was just too overwhelming for me.

As I calmed down, thanks to the morphine they gave me, the baby was finally handed to me. She was wrapped in a blanket and as much as I wanted to rejoice, I was feeling empty and tired.  I don’t remember much about that only that I still couldn’t walk and the adrenaline was still high in my blood stream so I wasn’t really myself. I had to be told what happened with my baby while I was under. I was told she was examined by the hospital pediatrician and she was healthy. I was told that was cleaned up and then wrapped up and handed to my husband. My husband was concerned for me and was told that I was doing just fine.

Here is the hardest part for me to explain. The part that I am still grieving and left confused. The part that I am not supposed to talk about- The part that I keep hidden inside and try to pretend that it never happened- The part that re-defined relationships in my life.

After this traumatic event, I was distraught for many reasons. Firstly, I was heartbroken that I missed the BIG moments of giving birth- Hearing her cry for the first time, skin to skin for the first precious hours of her life, and bonding with my husband. I missed him cutting the umbilical cord. I missed him meet her and hold her for the first time.  In a real personal sense, I was grieving the loss of my birth experience, the dream of what I had experienced the first two times.

I don’t know what it is about having a baby that makes people go crazy. I understand the excitement, and I having experienced the other end through my nephews and niece, I am still trying to find answers about what I found out happened while I was unconscious on the operating table.

Apparently, I was told just a couple days of coming home from the hospital, that my dear mother-in-law was not only at the hospital uninvited, but somehow she was able to hold my daughter before me.  She gloated and beamed with joy as she explained to me how happy she was to have that moment, but more importantly how happy she was that she could witness her son become a father. When those words reached my ears, the grief I was already feeling multiplied tenfold! I wanted to yell at her and ask how she could be so inconsiderate and selfish. I didn’t understand how this could happen. Shouldn’t I, the mother, the one who sacrificed so much and went through so much pain and trauma be the one to experience that moment and joy? So I asked my husband to explain what happened. He told me that when he knew I was safe and going to be alright, his parents arrived and so he invited them in the room to show off the baby and lo and behold, he handed the baby to his mom and it was her embrace that my daughter felt before mine and she was able to witness what I waited nine months for.  I was upset and hurt by this because it made me feel forgotten. As if I was only the incubator per say. It didn’t matter that I was unconscious and sacrificing myself to bring this precious baby into the world, all that mattered was just that- a healthy, cute baby was brought into the world. So to wait for me to come to in order to bond with my baby and husband never even occurred to them. They were too excited and too overwhelmed with joy to care that my dreams were being diminished.

So on top of feeling like shit from the cesarean, and feeling like shit from the loss I was experiencing I was shocked to discover how little support I was receiving. Recovery was slow and painful. Something I never experienced before. Walking hurt- oh how it hurt! Getting out of bed was slow and painful too. Pain meds took the edge off, but it didn’t take away the pain. It was nice that family and friends brought over meals for us and I so appreciated that because while my husband worked it was nice to have a meal ready in the evening. My mother-in-law told me she was going to take some time and help me when needed. I thought that would be nice, but little did I know that her idea of helping me was parking her butt on my couch holding and bonding with my new baby. I guess she forgot what her cesarean was like, because she literally told me to go away and get stuff done so she could have alone time with my baby. I was puzzled because I was hurting and could barely walk, what did she mean “get stuff done” anyway? The only thing I should be doing was healing and taking care of my baby. Keeping the house clean was definitely not on my priority list at that time. I needed someone to take care of me.

As my feelings of the whole situation became more complex the harder it became to process the losses. Why was I feeling so awful when I should be feeling joy and excitement? Was I overreacting? Was it my hormones? Was it my upbringing? I couldn’t figure it out. All I knew was that I was very unhappy. I started to get more and more angry with how my birth experience panned out, and I was getting more and more angry at my mother-in-law and how she was behaving with me and MY baby.  I was already upset with how she was able to hold my baby before me and witness my husband hold her as well. So every time she held her, it made my skin crawl. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to share her; it was the way it was done. She treated MY baby as if it was HERS. She even thanked me for having her, as if I did in fact have this baby for her. My husband, at the time, had yet to thank me for giving him a healthy, beautiful daughter, so why is she thanking me? She bragged about getting a greeting card in the mail congratulating her for becoming a grandma. Did she bother to buy me flowers or a card to congratulate me and my husband for becoming parents? NOPE! Everything she said made me angry. From telling me my daughter’s diaper was put on too tight, to claiming that she loved my daughter as much I did. I have to admit that last one really put me over the edge. I had it. I would rather go through the rest of my post-partum alone then deal with this.  So I did. I put up some boundaries and hell broke loose.

I know my husband loves his mom, and it has taken all of this to realize that their relationship was inappropriate at least. It took a lot of tears and late night arguments for us to finally make our giant step of independence. It has caused strained relationships in the end, but sometimes a couple needs to do what is best for their nuclear family, especially when a new family is created. So I started therapy for post-partum depression and discovered I was also going through post-traumatic stress disorder from my cesarean; in fact it was labeled complex PTSD because of all the abuse and neglect from childhood that I had yet dealt with. So I started researching and reading articles about what I was going through and discovered I wasn’t alone. There were a lot of women grieving their birth experiences and a lot of women trying to find a way to deal with their overbearing mother-in-laws after giving birth. But the main theme I see over and over again through this journey is this:

Women who are pregnant and giving birth are still human beings with feelings, dreams, fears and hopes. Her body still belongs to her and she needs support. She is NOT an incubator for your grandchild, niece, nephew or whatever relation you may have with the baby. Giving birth is wonderful, but it is also a medical procedure- a major one, if that. She is vulnerable, in pain and needs to have her privacy respected. Her recovery time is about HER and her baby. It is not about you. It is about what she wants, not about what you want. Don’t take what she does and doesn’t do personally. You don’t know what kind of grief she is going through.  You will have plenty of time to celebrate and be a part of the new creation.

And a little note to husbands: It is your job to make sure that your wife is safe and feels protected through this whole process. You had a hand in creating this child with her, but it is her body that she is sacrificing (not just cosmetically but even her own life) and needs to know that you will move heaven and earth for her and your baby. Tell her she looks beautiful ALL THE TIME, and if something or someone is bothering her, don’t question it or minimize it. Be the bigger man and help her feel special, and console her if she needs to be. This process is such an emotional monster for her; she needs to know that you love her and that you are going to be there for her. Give her time to heal, in her own way.

Having a baby is a joyful, once in a lifetime event, but don’t let your joy of the baby force you to forget about the mother who birthed her. She deserves your respect, honor, loyalty and kindness; after all, she just went through something excruciating to bring that cute bundle of joy into your arms.

 

Here are some helpful links:

At Least You Have a Healthy Baby

Comforting a Woman Traumatized by her Birth Experience

The Most Important Thing

Woman Who Didn't Have a Healthy Baby Reflects on the "Healthy Baby" Trope

So, About This Birth Rape Thing

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Letter To My Son

Dear Kevin,

I found this on your instagram: "I've never pleased anyone in my life, no ones ever told me they love me, or meant it anyway, what's the point of living if you have no one to live for? The only reason I'm not dead is bc I don't got someone to die for."

I think this might have something to do with a girl. Or I think this has to do with how you view your life. I wish I could make you see it differently. I wish I could have you see through my eyes just how much you are loved and how proud I am of you. I wish I could protect you from the world's cruelty. Yes, people sometimes say they love you and don't mean it. It's not your fault. It's not because of you that they do this. It's because they are hurting too. They are afraid of the truth. Sometimes people will hurt you and I wish I could cover you with a big blanket to protect your little heart from this. I know life hasn't been fair, and I am sorry to say that life will continue to be unfair. See, son, I want you to know that life is NEVER going to be what you think it ought to be. Life and people will let you down and you will be left empty wondering what the point of all this is. I know because I tried to live life by my own rules and it left me angry, depressed and disappointed. It took me a really long time to realize that my rules did not fit with how life really was. I wanted people to be more understanding and compassionate. I wanted to live where the good people always got good from life and the bad people got the bad stuff. That isn't true. I wanted people to be honest and kind, and I found out that most people lie and are unkind. I found out that trusting people was not always easy. I spent a lot of time in my anger and depression because I didn't know how to deal with ALL of this. I tried controlling and wishing and conforming, only to become lost and confused.

Son, you are not here to please anyone. The only person you need to please is yourself and your God. Trying to please people here on this Earth is like trying to put on a pair of pants that don't fit. And even if you can get them on, you look pretty silly because it's not a good fit. You need to wear a pair of pants that fit you. It doesn't matter if other people don't like your pants. There will ALWAYS be someone who will hate and disapprove of you. As a wise woman wrote, "don't try and win over the haters, you are not the jack ass whisperer."  Be true to who you are son. Be courageous and brave and live life in a way that puts a smile on your face. Even if the whole world doesn't understand you. Even if the whole world doesn't say they love you. But you know what? You do have people in this world who love you very much. I know sometimes it's hard to see it because we don't love you the way you want to be loved. That was another HARD lesson I learned. I learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you at all.

See, Kevin, people are messed up. All of us! We all have stories of hardships and trials that beat us up pretty good. So we don't always know how to love one another the best way. Sometimes we are just plain selfish. I hope that you can look at us with forgiveness and compassion instead of judgement and anger. But see, there are people in this world who do try and love. Who give it their best shot and doesn't care whether it makes a basket or not. I am hoping you can be one of those people. A person who sees life's grander things rather than the ugly ones. Bad stuff will always happen around us, and to us. Please don't ever think that giving up is an option. The point of life is not about pleasing others or having everything your heart desires. It's about living it the best way we know how. By loving ourselves, our God, and others. It's messy sometimes, and confusing, but it's worth it.

I love you Kevin. And just because you have a pulse doesn't mean you are alive. We can walk around like a zombie and just conform to what the world says we should be, or we can be true to ourselves and live in a way that is honest and good to who we really are. In the end you will find that joy you have been searching for.

Be Brave. Be Courageous. Don't Give Up.

Love,

Mom

Just Show Up

Dan has crohns. It is an autoimmune disease that attacks the intestines. It can be painful and cause numerous health problems. He has been in remission for some time now because of a certain medication that he takes. Every two months we hop into our car and head to the hospital so he can get injected with this medicine. While the I.V. is inserted into his body we hang out for a couple of hours. We talk, laugh, play games and eat. Since being with Dan I have gone to every treatment with him, watching him get poked and pricked, with some enjoyment and pleasure of course. If I happen to be especially annoyed with him for some reason, I make a point to tell the lovely nurse to poke him hard if neccessary. Did I mention I can be a sadist?

No! I am not a sadist, I just like to watch Dan go through little nuisances as I have to go through mine. Only mine is every month while his is every two, so I can smile inside when I watch the needle poke in his gentle and hard working hand. :)

In all seriousness, I don't really enjoy it all that much. I don't like to watch those I love suffer or go through anything that requires any kind of misery. The reality of life, however, is that we all have our little nuisances that we could live without, but we do, and although they require special attention, we should not be indifferent to them or give them power.

I know Dan would love to live life without crohns and enjoy a big hot buttery bucket of popcorn. And when I am more than annoyed with him that's another way to show it. I love the crunching and melting of the popped kernel in my mouth while the buttery taste swooshes all over my palate...mmmm..... take that cowboy! Okay, I am really not that insensitive, but I know it's a little annoying when the family enjoys our favorite movie snack while he chomps on corn nuts. But being the trooper that he is, he sometimes will take a mouth full of that ass kickin popcorn chew it and then spit it out! We all accomodate our nuisances somehow, and that's his way. No judging please, as I do make sure he spits it at the dog. :)

Crohns can be a serious illness. I don't know everything about crohns, only that it can be painful and cause other nuisances. Dan has been faithful in showing up to his treatments for the last eight years. Since he has taken time to do so, his crohns is under control. Even when he feels fine he still shows up. He still gets his treatement. He still gets poked and for two hours pumps his body with immune fighting medicine. And this made me think about life...

That even though we seem to be fine we still need to show up:

Show up as a spouse
Show up as a parent
Show up as an employee/employer
Show up as a son or daughter
Show up to our recreational activities
Show up as a friend
Show up as a brother or sister
Show up as a neighbor
Show up to life....


Not just show up as in existing. Show up in living out loud with who you are!  Just because life seems okay, or not okay, doesn't mean we let the hours tick by with no meaning or purpose. To find the joy in the ordinary, mudane existence we call life, is what makes life beautiful. When we stop showing up life becomes less than ordinary. It becomes miserable. It becomes meaningless. And it becomes lonely.

It isn't easy to show up sometimes. When we are feeling less than or overwhelmed it is difficult to want to show up. But when we force ourselves out of bed when we would rather stay in and entertain our misery is a huge act of showing up, even when we don't know what else to do. To keep showing up to a job that seems hopeless and worthless while trying to smile and find the enjoyment, again is another great act of showing up. To listen to our friends ailments rather than judge her... To put a stop to our temptations when we know it would hurt our spouse if they knew what we were doing... To put down the popcorn and just show up to a treatment and play games for two long hours...

Yes, life is about showing up. It's not about the right answers or being better or having. It's about showing up as ourselves and saying, "Here I am!" All imperfect, and messy, and full of love! Sometimes that's all is required of us... to JUST SHOW UP!

Do Not Be Afraid

Last night I just couldn't hold in all the emotions that were stirrining in my heart. After dropping off my children to their dad's for the week, and being confronted with my enabling behavior towards my son, the flood gates opened up and I lost it...

Luckily I lost it with a safe person and I was able to sort through all the emotions and relieve some fears.

I don't think this time will ever get easy for me, leaving my kids for a week and missing out on part of their childhood. I don't think it will ever be easy for my kids either. Although they do appear to be handling it much better than me.

As much as I wanted to hide it and pretend it wasn't happening, cowboy brought to my attention my enabling behavior towards my son. I always knew I was, and thought I could get away with it without any consequences. I was wrong. I guess in some ways there was a pay off to why I was doing it. I wanted his affection and his approval. I wanted to keep the peace. Ultimately I wanted to alleviate the guilt.

Through all the tears and jabbering of my emotions, cowboy listened, nodded, and listened some more. He hugged me tight and then looked into my swollen red eyes and said, "It's time to stop being afraid. You are no longer in the same place you were, and knowing the kind of woman you are, you can do this. You can stop enabling him and he can start respecting you. I am here for you and I am going NO WHERE."

Doesn't that little speech deserve some sort of golden globe or oscar nomination? I think so. To encourage a struggling mom to keep the good fight, to bring hope to a situation that seemed hopeless, to want to enable courage when dispair is wringing its ugly head, is better and more insprining than any ficticious Hollywood movie. And it deserves credit.

No more guilt. No more shame.

I do not need to be afaid.

I can do hard things.

Long ago I wished I had someone in my life who loved me enough to call me out on my stuff and encourage me to be a better person. I have found that person. What more do I need to live a fuller life?

You too my friend. Do not be afraid.

Little Warriors

As I sit here pondering about my future I can't help but notice that my heart is heavy. On top of the heaviness I feel guilty and shameful that I have a heavy heart because life is going so well for me. I shouldn't be filled with fear but with excitement right? I mean I am engaged to a wonderful man, I started a fabulous job at a great school, and my kids seem to be happy for the most part. So I sit here and wonder why I feel so anxious and worried. Why do I feel so uncertain and absolutely terrified?

I suppose I know some of the reasons but I don't want to face them. I want to stuff them in and pretend that these "little issues" are not so big and that eventually they will go away and I will be at peace. I know I have been dealing with guilt from the divorce for some time and I have been dealing with life and all it's challenges, yet these feelings don't seem to go away.

Sometimes facing the truth is hard. Sometimes it is easier to pretend and go on with life as if everything is okay. I supppose I am tired of that bullshit. Tired of pretending that life is okay. Tired of putting on a smile when I just want to scream and punch out at the sky in utter anger! Tired of trying so hard to make things work when they just don't. Tired of myself. Tired of making the same mistakes and pretending "this time" is different. Tired of the way the world works...

Perhaps I am just tired.

I know I should be happy and excited about these upcoming changes in my life, but these changes also mean challenges. Challenges that require my children to endure and persevere through life in ways they shouldn't have to. But they do anyway. I know they do it because they love me. Because they want to be with me and I want to give them some good in their childhood, at least what is left of it. I know I have thought about giving them up to their dad full time so that they can have a stable place to be and not worry about being dragged from one place to another. But I am too selfish. I want them with me. I want to experience some of that childhood with them. I want to offer them little gifts of love, hope and encouragement. I want to see them experience life as they grow up. I gave them life and I want to be a part of it. Yet, there are times it is hard for me to look at them. I mean really look at them like I did when they were younger. That look of admiration, adoration and complete love. I don't offer any of that anymore because I feel so bad that they have to live the rest of their childhood in two homes.So I look away, in shame. I don't want to see them. To see the pain.  I know it can work, but only if all parties are willing. Only if sacrifices are made. Yes, this is why I am so terrified. Why I am having feelings of doubt.

I am scared my children will choose their dad.

If they do, I will be sad. I will be angry. Angry at myself. But for now they haven't chosen their dad. So I shouldn't sit here wondering what to do if it hasn't happened yet. I suppose I entertain these thoughts because I want to mentally prepare myself...just in case.

For right now my children are persevering through the transisitons every Sunday. Perservering through living in two homes and enduring the challenges that come with that. And because of that I am proud of them. Proud for the little warriors that they are. Proud that they are willing to sacrifice so much so that they can be with both parents. Proud that they are making life the best they can make it.

Sometimes we learn more from our children then from anyone else. I am tired, but I need to suck it up too. I need to keep pressing on and make the most of this time. To make sacrifices and know it's all worth it. To keep smiling and to start looking at them again. To offer them the best gift of all... myself.

 And when the time comes for them to fly away from the nest, I hope they can be proud of what they have overcame!

NO MATTER WHAT

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

LIke any parent in this world, we all want our children to be happy and to be brave. Brave enough to be themselves when the world is telling them to be something different. Something that is "acceptable." For reasons beyond my comprehension our society has placed so many pressures on our children. The pressure to be "successful." And that success is defined by not what it means to create and develop the person we were meant to be, but success that buys more and pleases the masses. 

I have been having this conversation with my new found love lately, now that we are going to become a blended family. I have so many concerns and questions and tons of fear on how this new life is going to pan out. I want so much to teach my children to be who they are and to forget the rest. I want them to know that NO MATTER WHAT I have their back. It doesn't matter what they do or how they turn out. I will love them and support them. 

But in the real world, this is a bigger battle than I can take on on my own. 

The real battle here is not telling and proclaiming the truth of the above quote. To reiterate this idea into their little heads and hearts is not the issue here. The battle I face friends is that I can only fight this battle twice a month. Because I am still dealing with guilt and shame of breaking up the family and agreeing with a 50/50 custody. I have already missed a lot in their life because of this custody arrangement and it makes me feel unworthy. Unworthy as a mom. And when I do get to see my kids, I may in fact overcompensate with discipline, gifts, or lack of discipline. Either way I am not parenting with love and vigor, I am parenting out of fear, guilt and shame. 

I know, I know, you thought I was over that already. Well, I don't know if I will EVER get over it. I mean how can I get over the fact that my kids are constantly being transferred every week to a new environment with different rules and different philosophies about life? 

I don't think I will get over it, but I can adjust and make the most of it. I mean, after all I am a Warrior, a Fighter, not a complainer or a victim! I know I have been trying to find peace with raising my kids in two different homes. It has been a difficult battle. But now that life seems to be settling down a bit, I can see the light that will lead to the wholeness I have been craving for my children. I know that marrying a new man will bring in new issues and new adjustments for all of us. I know my cowboy will have to make some major changes as well. And with all these changes I want to show my children that NO MATTER WHAT we remain true to who we are. NO MATTER WHAT we have each other's backs. NO MATTER WHAT love always prevails over fear. NO MATTER WHAT!! 

Sweet Little Lies

As an English teacher I teach my students many different literary skills such as theme, plot and point of view. As a human being I like to teach my students life long lessons through literature. It is called bibliotherapy. Right now we are reading Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. It's a story about a young genius who is trained as a solider to help save planet Earth from terrestrials. It begins with this six year old Ender who is genetically enhanced to be the best solider for humanity. The story begins violently with him severely beating up a classmate of his. Then develops into a struggle of good and evil within the soul of this young child.

As I was reading about the inner turmoil of this young man in dealing with such violence, he said something that really made me think. "Sometimes lies were more dependable than truth." Hmmmmm… I don't think it means that lies are more truth than truth, but that lies are so prevalent in our life that we can depend on being lied to than on being told the truth.

I don't know why but that thought makes me loose hope for humanity. Why? How can we thrive and grow and evolve if everything is a lie? If our existence is based on lies then what is our true purpose?

It makes me wonder though…. what is the truth? And why are we so afraid of it? Why is it true that lies are more dependable than the truth? Has humanity gone mad? Or what did Ender mean? Did he mean that lies are easier to believe? That we would rather depend on a lie than the truth so that we don't have to face reality?

In the end, I suppose, it all comes down to our own truth, and the courage to live boldly with that truth! I do believe that the greatest people of all taught us this lesson over and over again.

Loyalty

Read this today and thought I would post this…

"Loyalty is about what happens behind people's backs. Disloyal people act differently depending on who is in the room. Don't trust anyone who displays disloyalty."

There is a lot to say about a loyal person. Someone who has your back NO MATTER WHAT! May I always be a loyal girlfriend (soon wife), mom, teacher and friend! Even when I am tempted, frustrated and tired. Just another pathway to maturity and living with abundance! 

Let's be loyal people to those we love! :) 

What makes a boy a boy?

I have been in turmoil these days about how my son has been behaving. Once again I find myself blaming myself and circumstances for his poor choices and negative thought patterns, but then I have to stop and realize that his choices and his happiness has nothing to do with me or our circumstances. The true fact is that he has chosen this path, and it is breaking my heart.

I want so much for him to be happy. So much for him to be a confident and respectful individual… hmmm... individual… 

Yes, I want him to be an individual independent of others opinions and the apathetic attitude that we all fall into. 

So my concern is how do I raise a boy in this world to be strong, confident and well respected? 

How do I raise a boy to be a boy when now a days our definition of that is so skewed? 

I mean, doesn't our society teach our boys that in order to be cool and confident one must conform to the ideas of what masculinity is all about? Promiscuity, violence, power, anger and self-pleasure. 

So what makes a boy a boy? How do you teach a boy to be true to himself and the true meaning of masculinity when the voices of promiscuity, violence, power, anger and self-pleasure ring mighty and loud? 

Raising boys in this world is not easy.

The saying "it takes a village to raise a child" makes more sense to me now. What this world needs are men who know the true meaning of masculinity… respect, honesty, faithfulness, strength, leadership and kindness. Men who guide our young boys to what it means to be confident and well respected. 

But who am I kidding? Just a quick look into what our men resort to and there is no question that masculinity has lost its true meaning. Where is the integrity, the honesty, the selflessness???? 

I am no way saying that I am wanting perfect, boring, rigid, rule following sissies. NO, NO!! That is just emasculation.  What I am saying is men who have the integrity to say no to mediocrity and lead lives that have meaning and purpose. Not a life full of selfish pleasure and power. Men who stay faithful to one woman, and show respect to other women. Men who don't fall into sexual temptation whether it be via computer porn, gentlemen's club (why it is named "gentlemen" is beyond me), and magazines. Men who control their anger and use it to better the lives of others rather than act out in violence.  Men who are mature enough and have the balls to tell the truth even if the consequences are severe. 

That's how I want to raise my son… Those are the qualities I want to instill in him… 

In the end, however, I can only plant those seeds in his heart. I know there is a man in his life who will give him those tangible seeds to live by. So I need to be patient and keep instilling those beliefs in him…  

Raising boys in this world is not easy. 

Hard-Core Gutsy Perseverance

There was a time when my life was governed and chained in fear.  It was fear that kept me from risking and reaching out. Fear prevented me from asking forgiveness of those I had hurt. Fear hindered me from asking for the support I needed from a friend. Fear kept me cowering from my tough circumstances instead of standing up in God’s power, facing them, and working through them. It was fear that led me to hiding and pretending to be someone I was not.

Fortunately, God, as I understand Him, uses an infinite number of vehicles in the process of helping me face my fears and grow. I do not know of any means that leads to instant growth. In fact, I’ve never met anyone who became instantly mature. It’s a painstaking process that God takes us through, and it includes such things as waiting, failing, losing, and being misunderstood—each one calling for extra doses of perseverance.  In other words-- Learning to grow up comes through hard-core, gutsy perseverance.

Each of these vehicles has led me to a place of wisdom, compassion and acceptance. In waiting I learned to trust. In failing I learned that I was not the failure. In losing I learned to let go. And in being misunderstood I learned the art of compassion. During my time as a single mom, and learning to survive in this broken world, I had no choice but to grow up, face my fears and learn to trust a Higher Power for my daily needs. There were months when I didn’t know how I was going to pay the rent or buy groceries. Being on a fixed income with little and no child support I had to rely on government subsidies and student loans. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I felt that I was a failure because I was divorced and I didn’t want to raise my children in a broken home.  It was never my plan to raise my children that way! I was depressed, angry and full of fear. There were some mornings where I just didn’t want to get out of bed. But I did! Little by little, each and every day, I put a smile on my face and did what I could to survive. Learning to grow up comes through hard-core, gutsy perseverance.

Of all the vehicles, waiting was the most difficult process for me. This is because waiting is a true measure of one’s faith. There isn’t much to do during this time except to trust that The Plan is being executed. I, on the other hand, did not always trust perfectly, sometimes it was messy. I remember when I was waiting for the right teaching job. No matter how good the interview and how much they liked me, someone else always got the job. So I panicked, I cried, and I was giving up hope. So just when I thought I was going to be living on the streets, the perfect job landed on my lap! And it was through this job I met my future husband. Which reminds me when I also waited for love. It seemed as though every guy I met was married, too old, or had an addiction of some sort. And when I thought I had found a winner, it would escape me. So I cried, and I doubted myself. I asked the wrong questions such as, “What’s wrong with me?” rather than trusting that love would find me… little did I know that at the right time… at the right moment… with the right person… love would in fact knock at my door. Looking back at this I realized what a waste of time it was to worry and panic about the future. Knowing what I know now, I would have never shed a tear for the wrong person. I would never have worried about finding the right job. I would have just waited… Learning to grow up comes through hard-core, gutsy perseverance.

Now I am engaged! I wake up every morning and pinch myself just to make sure I am not dreaming! I am so very excited but I am also very afraid. I keep thinking the shoe is going to drop and I am going to be alone again. I fear that I am going to get hurt again as I did in the past. I know that my cowboy won’t hurt me and that he loves me very much. I just have to trust that! I know we are going to make it, and not only make it, but we are going to be amazing. I have come to believe that my difficult time as a single mom was so that I can be prepared for what is to come.

This is what I have learned. One must go through some crap in life and learn from it before making a commitment to someone. One must learn to stand on her own two feet first before standing next to someone else. Someone who is too immature to understand the challenges of life and how to have hard-core gutsy perseverance will not do well. So many times we think that the relationship itself is what will bring us what we are looking for. Whatever that might be. And when it doesn’t satisfy our selfish hunger, we are disappointed and leave (whether physical or emotional), or look for it in someone else. The truth is, is that life is messy, and we don’t know what the future holds. Until we grow up a bit and understand the meaning of waiting, failing, losing, being misunderstood is when we are ready to share life with someone. It is because through these vehicles we learn to be compassionate, understanding, forgiving, and accepting-- we learn to persevere. Those qualities my friend are the definitions of love. And because sometimes love isn’t enough we need good-old hard-core gutsy perseverance!

Hang in there friends! Life is only preparing you for what’s to come!

Single Mom No More!

A lot has happened the last few months! I am now engaged! I am so happy and so thrilled I can hardly contain myself!

Everything about my man is amazing and I couldn't have picked a better person to spend the rest of my life with. Not only is he romantic, funny, and wildly crazy, he has a heart of gold and the character to persevere through life's challenges.

I knew he was the one when he was okay with not sleeping with me right away. I had established that little rule in my dating life to see if the man truly was interested in me, and not what I would give him in bed. Not only was he okay with it, but he truly respected that. Of course he showed interest in me in that way, and when the time was right it was beautiful and everything it should be.

When he met my children it was obvious he was going to get along with them. The fact that my children adore him and enjoys his company means more to me than anything else. To see the excitement in their face when they heard the news is so ratifying that my heart is treasuring every moment.

I have prayed, I have waited, and I had hope that this day would come. Oh, the joy of knowing that I will no longer have to do life alone, that someone will join hands with me and take a leap of faith on this crazy journey. What I love most is that I have a partner who makes me laugh, find hope when I feel hopeless, and who truly has mine and my children's back! I couldn't ask for anything more!

Don't ever stop believing that good is in store for you.

Rantings and other Non- Sense

Love M. Scott Peck! Heck, I like to say Peck... it rolls off the tongue nicely, don't you think?  "Peck!" Ha!  

I cannot begin to tell you how much truth this little quote from him holds. Go ahead. Read it again. 

EVERY time I feel this way, I end up searching and finding new ways to make my life better! Lately I have been feeling empty, unfulfilled and stuck in some sort of rut. Not sure why, but no matter. I think life is telling me to get off my complacent ass and do something! Something cool, and amazing! Not just your everyday normal crap that we do, but something that just might make a difference. I don't have a clue what that is, but hey, at least I am aware that something needs to change. 

I know that my life is in a bit of in between stage, and quite frankly it's a scary place to be. Sure I am certain of where I would like to be in the future, but considering how my life has been the last 35 years, I can't count on it. All I know is that I don't want to continue with the cycle of denial and pleasing the shit heads that don't even matter in the end. I guess it's time my voice be heard and I face my fears and take a leap of faith and be who I really am, say what I really need to say, and to love with abandon rather than with selfish motives. That, my friend, is a lot more challenging than it looks on paper. I am human and I am weak, but I am thankful for the reflective mind God gave me. 

See, what Peck says above is really the crux of how I, we, should live our life. Grateful for all the hardships and pain we endure. Why? Because wisdom is a direct result of suffering. Think about it. The greatest people we know, the most courageous, the one's who take our breath away and do something amazing with their life are the one's who endure the most and overcame! I can give you a list so long of people I know that suffered so much and yet had a wisdom and love that I sometimes envy. 

Many years ago I had this belief that joy and peace was a result of an easy, well established, predictable life. I thought that if I had what I wanted then life would be enjoyable. But as I grow in my faith, and let go of that false belief system, I realized that life is contrary to that belief. Life is better when we endure the pain and hardships it gives us. It gives us wisdom, hope, and an appreciation on how valuable life really is. I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for the lessons I learned through every disappointment, every heart ache, every suffering I had to endure. It was because of the uncomfortable, unfulfilled, and empty feelings that provoked me to search for better and truer answers. That to me is the journey we call life....

And then there are some days when I say screw the suffering and hardships, having some joy, fun and laughter is pretty damn important too! :-)

THE END! 

Life Changes... (Part 1)

First of all, I apologize for my long absence. I have been busy with writing my dossier to get a pay raise at work, and of course enjoying the summer off with my boyfriend and kiddos. We have been having tons of fun and well, things have been going very very well...

So with all the fun we have been having there is something I wanted to write about that has been close to my heart now. Well, as my new relationship with farmer cowboy continues(that's what I like to call him because he loves to garden and has such a wild free heart, and he is sexy like a cowboy), I realize that my life is changing and changing fast. Of course with change comes tons of excitement, anxiety and fear. I am not worried about my relationship with cowboy, because I know that he truly loves me and I truly love him, and we get along so freakishly well, and I say freakishly because it truly is freakish how well we get along! I mean, we don't fight. I know that may sound rather strange and unusual, and I agree it does, however, we just don't. Have we had disappointments and hiccups in our six months together? Why yes we have.
And we got through them.
We talked it out.
We listened.
We compromised.
We were what we needed to be for the other.
So we don't fight. Instead, we laugh, we give a shoulder and hugs when needed, we care for each other, we hang out and we have a great time together. We get each other in ways others don't. I happen to think he is the funniest guy out there! :) So it's been going very very well... So my life is changing because he is not just a guy that I date every other week, or a guy that just wants to get it on and then go on his way, this man is now a part of my life and the lives of my children... and that is a BIG deal. HUGE!

I know in the past I have regretted how I dated and how I introduced these guys to my kids. In the last four years my children have met three men I have dated, including farmer cowboy. Now, I understand that may seem like a lot of guys, but in four years, I don't think it is! In fact the only thing I regret about my past dating life is starting too soon. I should have waited, but hindsight does not change anything does it? I don't regret introducing these men to my children. Now I know I am entering sacred ground here because there are many different opinions when it comes to dating and kids. Some people believe its best to wait until the kids are out of the house, including my ex-husband. As ideal and safe as that sounds, it is unrealistic and it gives our children a jaded view on dating and marriage. Personally, I think that my children should see how dating should be done and how one finds their soul mate and how that relationship is nourished and developed. Children need a good example to look back on when it comes to their own dating and serious relationships. They need to know how a man treats a woman and how a woman treats a man. If the only view they have is a broken marriage how will they learn to have a healthy relationship and trust another human being? And isn't that the real issue after all? How can my kids heal from the divorce if their parents NEVER move on?

Now, how one decides to introduce their new boyfriend/girlfriend to their children is entirely up to them! And I do mean ENTIRELY! Of all the blogs and books I have read about the issue and just how passionate people are about the topic, I can't help but tell everyone that we need to trust these parents on how they live and how they raise their children. Of course as parents we all want what is best for our children, which is why I think it is up that parent to know how and when and where and who gets introduced to their kids. Every parent, every child, every situation, every circumstance is DIFFERENT!  How can an expert know what is best for my child when that expert doesn't spend any time with her/him? How can that expert know what is best as far as dating when this expert doesn't know the unique circumstance of the situation my family is in? Of course I am not talking about trusting those asshole parents who beat their kids and do drugs and put their kids in very very bad home environments. Those assholes should be shot and buried... just saying...

The truth is that I am tired of being judged for living my life the way I have chosen to live it. I am tired of being ridiculed for my choices. I am NOT perfect and I NEVER will be! I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. And if you are a parent you know that statement to be true because as parents we are always screwing up! But we can't deny that we love our children. And God knows I do! I love them so much, and I want them to be happy and successful grown ups! It is my responsibility to provide a loving, caring and safe home for my children. I am not a perfect mom, but I do put a lot of care and thought into how I want to raise them. I don't want to raise entitled spoiled brats! I don't want to raise narcissistic greedy assholes either, who think the world revolves around them. I want to raise considerate, kind, generous, loving, and caring people. People who put others before them and know how to forgive and not judge others for their differences. This is why I have chosen farmer cowboy to be a part of our lives... because he is all of those things and more... and having my kids around that kind of person is showing them what that person looks like and in the end, hopefully, they will learn to be that kind of person! Of course, there are obstacles...

As much as I would love for my children to be aware of this, and as much as I would love to have a fairy tale ending, I do live in the real world. Unfortunately, farmer cowboy is not my children's primary example or role model. They have a dad. A dad that is involved in their lives and who is active in their upbringing. Which is fantastic of course! Its just that we are not on the same page when it comes to important and valuable issues and that causes conflict and confusion. So with that said, I don't know how much of an impact my time with the kids will effect them and vice versa. All I can do is my best. And life has been wonderful! I can't imagine not having farmer cowboy a part of my whole life and the life of my children. Maybe there are people who disagree with me and I understand their concerns, but whether I was a single mom or not when I met my cowboy, there would still be risks and doubts to be had. I mean, love is risky to begin with and there are no guarantees either. So much can happen... and I am aware of that. Is there a chance farmer cowboy can leave us and I find myself once again in the single mom boat? You bet! So why would I risk that and put my children's heart at risk too... well lots of reasons...

First of all, I don't believe in keeping adversity from my children. I think children should go through hardships and suffer in life a bit. Its the only way we learn about our own selves, and learn to problem solve. I don't believe in providing a disneyland home, where its always happy and they get whatever they want! I want my children to learn how to handle tough life situations. They way I handle life is how I am teaching them to handle it. So when I decided to move forward from the divorce and date, essentially I was telling my kiddos that life goes on! Life does get better after a storm. I don't want to raise sissies. Second, I want my kids to see that hearts do heal. See, even though it didn't work out with those other guys, (as it worked out great for farmer cowboy) my kids saw that dating is not a fairy tale. It takes work. They saw how I established boundaries, and a list of the kind of man I was looking for. I mean Hollywood does a shitty job protraying what dating is like! Even though there were close potentials, I broke up with them because it just wasn't going to work. My kids saw that it is okay to end unhealthy relationships and that it is okay to hurt other people's feelings sometimes if it's for the best. Because of the kind of relationship I had with my ex, I find it important that my kids see a healthy relationship. Period.

God Give Me Wisdom and Courage...

There is an ancient story of long ago about two mothers. There was a famine in the land and resources were scarce and so one of the mother's baby died. So she stole the other mother's baby, and put the dead baby next to the other mother. The other mother knew what happened and demanded her baby back. The only way to settle the matter was to bring it to the King. He was the wisest King known of all time, so the desperate mother knew he would be able to bring justice. When the mother told of her predicament and demanded her baby back, and seeing that the other mother was just as desperate in claiming that the child was her own and the other mother was lying, the King's solution was shocking but effective. He told one of his servants to cut the baby in half and give each half to the two mothers. One mother shouted in agony and pleaded with the King not to do that. To go ahead and give the baby to the other mother. The other mother smiled in victory. So the King changed his mind and gave this order, "Give the child to the mother who pleaded to stop the execution, obviously this is the real mother of the child, as she did not want to see her baby die."

What a wise King indeed. I wish we still had wise rulers today who really do look out for the best interest of our families. But then again, what about the wisdom of the mother who was willing to give up her baby just so that her baby could live? Hmmm. I can't help but think about my own situation when I remember this story. Lately I have been watching my own children suffer and I am trying hard to determine if it is because of the divorce or because of typical adolescent immaturity. I know that I can't keep every bad situation from my kids and whether I was still married or not they would still have to face choices and decide for themselves what kind of life they will live. 

With that said, I am still trying to figure out what is best for my children right now. Although my ex and I have a 50/50 custody (seven days each) I am finding that it is becoming disruptive and socially awkward for my adolescent children. I don't want to blame the custody arrangements on how my children have been behaving, but because they have been going through some difficult times, I do believe the custody arrangement isn't the best right now. I don't know if there is a way around it so that we can keep the custody 50/50, for example, two weeks on and off. Giving them more time to adjust and have more time to hang out with friends, although it would be difficult to be away from them for that long period of time. 

Ideally, it would be better if I could have primary care of the children. I do believe they need stability and they haven't had that in quite some time. So many moves, and with me trying to figure out my career, and having financial stress, along with a few failed relationships, its been hard on all of us. But now that life is settling down and I am in a stable relationship, I do believe I can give them the security they need to grow up healthy. Over all I just want to see my kids happy and thriving. Instead I am watching them suffer and make poor choices. Naturally as their mother, I want to alleviate some of their pain and give them the best childhood I can give them, but with this kind of arrangement, I am finding it quite challenging. Like the mother in the story I want to see my babies live, not suffer and die. But am I willing to give them up to ensure that happens? Of course I don't want to give them up, but I also know that fighting for them like the story above, is only causing them to be torn in half! Having two homes and packing every week is exhausting and how can they possibly have stability with two different parenting styles, two different sets of rules, and two different ways of life? God knows I have tried to talk to my ex about these matters only to get ridiculed about my decision of divorcing him and getting bombarded with guilt. I know that asking full custody means fighting and court fees and attorneys. Is that really beneficial for my kids? I wonder though, if I gave up full custody to my ex if that would be an alternate solution???? 

I am humbled when I think of the mother who was willing to give up her baby in order for her baby to live. I am torn to pieces thinking about that. I don't know if I am willing to do that. Which makes me wonder if I am really that selfish. Perhaps the decision would be easier knowing that if I HAD to make that decision, that my children would be going to an environment that was better. But knowing that they would be going to an environment with a person who is emotionally unstable and whose priority is to fulfill some adolescent fantasy, makes it hard for me to just let go. 

This is probably the most difficult situation I have ever found myself in. 

This is one of those times where I wish I can make my ex see what I see. This is one of those times I wish I had the wisdom to make the best decision I can make for my kids, even if it meant giving them up, and the courage to do so. I know lots of moms do this; give up their baby for a better life. I now see their courage and their bravery and I now have a new respect for them. I know that the rest of the world will not understand these situations. I know the world will ask, "how can a mom just give up her child like that?" But like the story above, it is a matter of life and death. Only a real mom will make the sacrifices needed to ensure her child lives. 

God give me wisdom and courage... please!! 

Made to Meet Your Maker

It has been told that music brings pleasure to one's soul. I have to agree. I can't imagine my life with out the beauty of music. It stirs so much emotion and every now and then there is a song that not only touches your soul, but its message is so profound and true. I love when I find a song that just says everything I need to hear. I need to be reminded that my soul does not belong all to me. It belongs to everyone, mostly to my new lover and of course my maker... If you haven't heard about Mumford and Sons this song is just one of many that I find has a message for us all... Enjoy. 

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker

Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

A Brand New Chapter...

When I started this blog I wanted in some ways to remember this special time of my life; of being single and all that I would encounter in being a single parent. I knew that going through a divorce was not going to be easy, and boy it wasn’t. But I also knew that this would be a time for me to grow and to find meaning in life.  So I wanted to write it down so that I can look back and cherish these moments. Yes, I want to cherish the difficult times in my life because it is then that I seem to appreciate what this life has to offer. What I have found is that no matter what difficulties I go through, they are not permanent. I find great joy in knowing that a storm does not last a lifetime, however, depending on the strength of the storm, it can have life long effects…but the good news is, is that those effects do not have to ruin one’s life, or run one’s life. I can’t really put into words just how special these last few years have been for me because I have learned so much about life and about myself. One of the biggest lessons I am learning is that in order to be content I need to accept who I am, and what life has dealt me. I can’t change my past, I can’t change my family, and I can’t change the consequences of my choices. I am learning everyday that I am a great person and I deserve the best life has to offer, even when I make mistakes. I really do! It has taken me over 20 years to finally believe that! I still have my fears, my flaws, and my doubts, and everyday is a battle to overcome those obstacles.

Recently I have begun dating this wonderful man named Dan. He is amazing and has been a true blessing in my life. I know it seems sudden and perhaps one would think that this is just another guy passing through, but I can reassure you, this is not the case at all. For one, it has been over three months and I can’t give one complaint or think of one reason why this wouldn’t work. (It usually takes two to three months to notice red flags).  Okay, so maybe I can complain about his obnoxious brother, but not everyone is perfect! Actually I have to take that back, I can’t complain about his brother because he was the one who set us up. So, as I was saying, nothing to complain about, but I do have so many wonderful things to say….

I won’t bore you with all the details of how considerate and awesome this man is, or all the fun we are having, not to mention how my whole world lights up when I am in his presence, but I will tell you that for the first time in my life I truly believe I have found someone in whom I know I can love and be loved. It is so awe striking how much we have in common and how we seem to just “fit.” I miss him so much when he is away and all I do is think about him and how much I love him! Yes, I said it… I love him! And I know that he loves me. ME! The real me! And how do I know this? Maybe it’s the way he looks at me, or the fact that he takes time to show how much he cares, in all the right ways, or is the haikus he writes me, or the way he kisses me? Or could it be something a little deeper, like trust and risk? Yes, it’s all those things. I can’t explain it because I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I can honestly say that I trust him. Hmmm, this is a HUGE step for me! I think its all part of this journey I have been on. This journey of learning to let go and live life! I know deep in my heart that we were not meant to live life alone. We were meant to share our life with someone in whom we trust, and that takes risk! Love after all is risky. Nobody has guarantees about tomorrow so I can’t tell you for sure what the future holds, but I do know that somehow he will be a part of it. Now that thought makes me smile, makes me happy and gives me hope… And so the journey continues….