The Real Blessings....

In a few months I am about to get married. I am about to embark in a journey so profound, so mysterious and so freightening. Marriage is a big deal. It is what constitutes our ability has human beings to understand what life is about-- love, faith, perserverance, and hope.

Since both Dan and I are coming from divorced situations we are more at risk for not making it to the end. According to the statistics we have a 20% success rate. That's not very hopeful. In fact it's dawning. It's scary. It makes me want to run and hide and just "pretend" that number doesn't exist. And in some ways I want to take that number as a challenge and when we are at our death beds, I can say, "screw you 80% failure rate!"

But that number is there. It stares me in the face and it taunts me and awakens me to the realization that marriage is hard. And marriage after divorce is even more challenging.

I know love is an important factor in marriage, but I know that it is not enough. We need faith, perserverance, forgiveness, and whole lot of hope.

Faith because you really don't know what and who you are getting. Sure the dating process is to help us know our mate, but in the end, people and circumstances change. There really is no way to know someone completely until you marry them and live life with them. Marriage is a HUGE act of faith. Faith that your partner will be faithful, devoted and committed to you. Faith that you will be faithful, devoted and committed to your partner. Faith in each other.

Perserverance because life is full of surprises. Good and bad. And when life isn't so peachy keen, high doses of perserverance is needed. I think this little tool is important in marriage because so many people do get disappointed when their marriage isn't what they expected. For some reason we believe these lies that marriage is supposed to be what brings us happiness, an institution that is full of romantic love and sex. We go into the marriage believing our partner is our prince charming or our everything. And then as life settles down there isn't so much romance and sex. We start to notice all those flaws in our partner that we somehow thought were so cute before. So we sulk and start fantasizing about what it is like to be single or to be with someone else.

Let me tell you something. The real blessings in life are those little things we take for granted. The fact that we have someone who loves us in spite of our flaws and who continually will be there for us when we are not looking so hot, is the blessing. To have someone wipe your tears, your snot and smell your stinky farts may not sound so romantic, but it is. Sure there are arguments about money sometimes, and sometimes the snoring will keep you up. Sure the kids will annoy you and will have you wonder how in the hell did such creatures emerge from your body! Sure you will get irritated because for the upteenth time you have to pick up the dirty clothes from the floor and yet again there are dirty dishes in the dishwasher. How hard is it to press a damn button?? And then for some reason we start to think that this isn't what we signed up for. This wasn't the life we had dreamed of. Where is the romance and hot sex? And why is hair growing there?

Perhaps we go into marriage with too many expectations. Perhaps we are delusional when we think our partner is responsible for bringing us happiness. Perhaps we don't understand what marriage is about.

I am not saying I understand marriage. I think it is a mystery. I think it is beautiful and amazing and extremely scary. Scary in ways that help me grow up. Scary in ways that help me understand this life. There is no other institution that I can think of that allows us as humans to embrace humanity. There is no other institution where two people can obtain such closeness and intimacy. No other institution that teaches us about love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope. No other institution that shows us how special we are and how special our children are.

Yes, marriage is wonderful and it is difficult. Marriage, I believe, is under attack. Why? Read my last post about lies. Of course that is only part of the attack. Materialism, selfishness, abuse, addictions, affairs whether sexaul or emotional, and just the mere fact of buying into this idea of what life is "supposed" to be about-- excitement, adventure and more, more, more! I am not sure where we started to believe that picking up dirty laundry and picking up kids from practice and having hot dogs for dinner was not considered exciting and adventurous. I am not sure when we started believing that having more, living for yourself (yolo), living a party life full of booze and drugs and hooking up with whom ever you feel like, whether married or not was the exciting and adventurous life to seek. All of which I particpated in. All in which I embraced and believed would give me meaning and purpose. Guess what? It only gave me shame, guilt and a whole lot of cleaning up to do.

I was married for 6 years. It took me a while to understand the part I played in the divorce. And in being divorced with children I have learned that family is not to be taken lightly. Yes, my divorce was necessary, but that doesn't mean it came easy. It is still difficult. Dealing with my ex is still a learning process. Watching my children break down and cry because life is overwhelming while dealing with two homes is also heart wrentching. Not being there when my son looses his first tooth, or when my daughter started her first period is also heart wretching. Trying to accomodate transportation and emotional support to my children is not easy these days. There are days I struggle with shame because I don't know if I am being the mom I need to be. There is no part time mom.

When I married my ex, I was naive. I had two children with him and I carried false hope. Hope that he would change and I would change and with the idea that our little family would be what I thought the world wanted us to be-- Perfect.  I don't know if I would change anything if given the opportunity to go back. I love my children. I did what I thought was best for them. Marry their dad and start being a family. Unfortunately, all that attacks marriage attacked mine: materialsim, selfishness, abuse, addictions, and affairs.

So in a few months I am about to get married. And when I say my vows to my cowboy I know I am entering a convenant of love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope with him. I am entering an exciting, adventerous and very scary journey with him. I am going into this marriage knowing the uncertainty. I am going into this marriage knowing it is going to be attacked. This time I am putting on my armor and sharpening my weapons. I am learning how to protect myself from those enemies that threaten or may threaten our little and lovely family. Is Dan entering this covenant with the same expectaions? Is he aware of the attacks? Does he know that marriage is hard, yet the BEST blessing in his whole life? To my knowledge he does. We talk about it of course, but I have no way of knowing all of his expecations. I just hope he realizes the real blessings in life!

 Yes, cowboy,  your farts are pretty stinky, but it's a blessing!

Hard-Core Gutsy Perseverance

There was a time when my life was governed and chained in fear.  It was fear that kept me from risking and reaching out. Fear prevented me from asking forgiveness of those I had hurt. Fear hindered me from asking for the support I needed from a friend. Fear kept me cowering from my tough circumstances instead of standing up in God’s power, facing them, and working through them. It was fear that led me to hiding and pretending to be someone I was not.

Fortunately, God, as I understand Him, uses an infinite number of vehicles in the process of helping me face my fears and grow. I do not know of any means that leads to instant growth. In fact, I’ve never met anyone who became instantly mature. It’s a painstaking process that God takes us through, and it includes such things as waiting, failing, losing, and being misunderstood—each one calling for extra doses of perseverance.  In other words-- Learning to grow up comes through hard-core, gutsy perseverance.

Each of these vehicles has led me to a place of wisdom, compassion and acceptance. In waiting I learned to trust. In failing I learned that I was not the failure. In losing I learned to let go. And in being misunderstood I learned the art of compassion. During my time as a single mom, and learning to survive in this broken world, I had no choice but to grow up, face my fears and learn to trust a Higher Power for my daily needs. There were months when I didn’t know how I was going to pay the rent or buy groceries. Being on a fixed income with little and no child support I had to rely on government subsidies and student loans. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I felt that I was a failure because I was divorced and I didn’t want to raise my children in a broken home.  It was never my plan to raise my children that way! I was depressed, angry and full of fear. There were some mornings where I just didn’t want to get out of bed. But I did! Little by little, each and every day, I put a smile on my face and did what I could to survive. Learning to grow up comes through hard-core, gutsy perseverance.

Of all the vehicles, waiting was the most difficult process for me. This is because waiting is a true measure of one’s faith. There isn’t much to do during this time except to trust that The Plan is being executed. I, on the other hand, did not always trust perfectly, sometimes it was messy. I remember when I was waiting for the right teaching job. No matter how good the interview and how much they liked me, someone else always got the job. So I panicked, I cried, and I was giving up hope. So just when I thought I was going to be living on the streets, the perfect job landed on my lap! And it was through this job I met my future husband. Which reminds me when I also waited for love. It seemed as though every guy I met was married, too old, or had an addiction of some sort. And when I thought I had found a winner, it would escape me. So I cried, and I doubted myself. I asked the wrong questions such as, “What’s wrong with me?” rather than trusting that love would find me… little did I know that at the right time… at the right moment… with the right person… love would in fact knock at my door. Looking back at this I realized what a waste of time it was to worry and panic about the future. Knowing what I know now, I would have never shed a tear for the wrong person. I would never have worried about finding the right job. I would have just waited… Learning to grow up comes through hard-core, gutsy perseverance.

Now I am engaged! I wake up every morning and pinch myself just to make sure I am not dreaming! I am so very excited but I am also very afraid. I keep thinking the shoe is going to drop and I am going to be alone again. I fear that I am going to get hurt again as I did in the past. I know that my cowboy won’t hurt me and that he loves me very much. I just have to trust that! I know we are going to make it, and not only make it, but we are going to be amazing. I have come to believe that my difficult time as a single mom was so that I can be prepared for what is to come.

This is what I have learned. One must go through some crap in life and learn from it before making a commitment to someone. One must learn to stand on her own two feet first before standing next to someone else. Someone who is too immature to understand the challenges of life and how to have hard-core gutsy perseverance will not do well. So many times we think that the relationship itself is what will bring us what we are looking for. Whatever that might be. And when it doesn’t satisfy our selfish hunger, we are disappointed and leave (whether physical or emotional), or look for it in someone else. The truth is, is that life is messy, and we don’t know what the future holds. Until we grow up a bit and understand the meaning of waiting, failing, losing, being misunderstood is when we are ready to share life with someone. It is because through these vehicles we learn to be compassionate, understanding, forgiving, and accepting-- we learn to persevere. Those qualities my friend are the definitions of love. And because sometimes love isn’t enough we need good-old hard-core gutsy perseverance!

Hang in there friends! Life is only preparing you for what’s to come!

Single Mom No More!

A lot has happened the last few months! I am now engaged! I am so happy and so thrilled I can hardly contain myself!

Everything about my man is amazing and I couldn't have picked a better person to spend the rest of my life with. Not only is he romantic, funny, and wildly crazy, he has a heart of gold and the character to persevere through life's challenges.

I knew he was the one when he was okay with not sleeping with me right away. I had established that little rule in my dating life to see if the man truly was interested in me, and not what I would give him in bed. Not only was he okay with it, but he truly respected that. Of course he showed interest in me in that way, and when the time was right it was beautiful and everything it should be.

When he met my children it was obvious he was going to get along with them. The fact that my children adore him and enjoys his company means more to me than anything else. To see the excitement in their face when they heard the news is so ratifying that my heart is treasuring every moment.

I have prayed, I have waited, and I had hope that this day would come. Oh, the joy of knowing that I will no longer have to do life alone, that someone will join hands with me and take a leap of faith on this crazy journey. What I love most is that I have a partner who makes me laugh, find hope when I feel hopeless, and who truly has mine and my children's back! I couldn't ask for anything more!

Don't ever stop believing that good is in store for you.