I'm Letting Go

“In some families, please is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was sorry.” ~Margaret Laurence

 

My words were, "I forgive you whether you apologize to me or not."

 

I stated my apology and presented the olive branch. I opened the door for reconciliation.

 

Nothing has been reciprocated. No apology. No effort to reconcile a broken relationship caused by miscommunciation and hurtful words.

 

So the pain has surfaced again.

 

It was difficult to forgive the first offense. Now I am trying to forgive the second- the offense of no apology.

 

To not show any remorse or effort to reconcile the relationship somehow hurts more than the words first spoken.

 

Perhaps I put more stalk in the relationship than the other person. Perhaps I misjudged our relationship in the first place.

 

Whatever the reason for no apology, it makes me feel unimportant, empty and small.

 

Yes, I will forgive, but that does not mean I will forget, or that the feeling of insignificance will go away.

 

Friends, we are not any better than anybody else to think we have the right to not apologize. Just because someone has forgiven you, doesn't give you a free ticket to not acknowledge their pain and hurt.

 

To genuinely apologize is to not only bring healing and reconciliation, but it also says, "I acknowledge that I messed up, and I am equal with you. I am the same as you and I value you too much to let my pride get in the way of our relationship,"

 

To not apologize is to say the opposite. "I don't acknowledge you or your pain. My pride is more important than you and our relationship." To not apologize is inherently an act of conceit.

 

Here is a proufound statment about forgiveness and apologies:

 

Forgiveness is simply a reminder that I am on equal footing with every other child of God. We all do good and noble things at times; on other occasions we may offend. I have no right to judge, punish, or absolve anyone. When I behave self-righteously, I'm the one who suffers- I seperate myself from my fellow human beings... I don't know the motives or circumstances that cause another's behavior.

 

I would like to say that I forgive this person for not apologizing. I will not absolve him. It hurts and it keeps us seperated. I am sad that it has to be this way, and I hope that in the future we will have reconcilation. Until then I'm letting go.

 

Letting go of the dream of being a family with this person.

 

Letting go of my judgements and assumptions about why this person does not care about our relationship.

 

Letting go of the hurt and disappointment.

 

"You can't hold a man down without staying down with him."

 

The Real Blessings....

In a few months I am about to get married. I am about to embark in a journey so profound, so mysterious and so freightening. Marriage is a big deal. It is what constitutes our ability has human beings to understand what life is about-- love, faith, perserverance, and hope.

Since both Dan and I are coming from divorced situations we are more at risk for not making it to the end. According to the statistics we have a 20% success rate. That's not very hopeful. In fact it's dawning. It's scary. It makes me want to run and hide and just "pretend" that number doesn't exist. And in some ways I want to take that number as a challenge and when we are at our death beds, I can say, "screw you 80% failure rate!"

But that number is there. It stares me in the face and it taunts me and awakens me to the realization that marriage is hard. And marriage after divorce is even more challenging.

I know love is an important factor in marriage, but I know that it is not enough. We need faith, perserverance, forgiveness, and whole lot of hope.

Faith because you really don't know what and who you are getting. Sure the dating process is to help us know our mate, but in the end, people and circumstances change. There really is no way to know someone completely until you marry them and live life with them. Marriage is a HUGE act of faith. Faith that your partner will be faithful, devoted and committed to you. Faith that you will be faithful, devoted and committed to your partner. Faith in each other.

Perserverance because life is full of surprises. Good and bad. And when life isn't so peachy keen, high doses of perserverance is needed. I think this little tool is important in marriage because so many people do get disappointed when their marriage isn't what they expected. For some reason we believe these lies that marriage is supposed to be what brings us happiness, an institution that is full of romantic love and sex. We go into the marriage believing our partner is our prince charming or our everything. And then as life settles down there isn't so much romance and sex. We start to notice all those flaws in our partner that we somehow thought were so cute before. So we sulk and start fantasizing about what it is like to be single or to be with someone else.

Let me tell you something. The real blessings in life are those little things we take for granted. The fact that we have someone who loves us in spite of our flaws and who continually will be there for us when we are not looking so hot, is the blessing. To have someone wipe your tears, your snot and smell your stinky farts may not sound so romantic, but it is. Sure there are arguments about money sometimes, and sometimes the snoring will keep you up. Sure the kids will annoy you and will have you wonder how in the hell did such creatures emerge from your body! Sure you will get irritated because for the upteenth time you have to pick up the dirty clothes from the floor and yet again there are dirty dishes in the dishwasher. How hard is it to press a damn button?? And then for some reason we start to think that this isn't what we signed up for. This wasn't the life we had dreamed of. Where is the romance and hot sex? And why is hair growing there?

Perhaps we go into marriage with too many expectations. Perhaps we are delusional when we think our partner is responsible for bringing us happiness. Perhaps we don't understand what marriage is about.

I am not saying I understand marriage. I think it is a mystery. I think it is beautiful and amazing and extremely scary. Scary in ways that help me grow up. Scary in ways that help me understand this life. There is no other institution that I can think of that allows us as humans to embrace humanity. There is no other institution where two people can obtain such closeness and intimacy. No other institution that teaches us about love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope. No other institution that shows us how special we are and how special our children are.

Yes, marriage is wonderful and it is difficult. Marriage, I believe, is under attack. Why? Read my last post about lies. Of course that is only part of the attack. Materialism, selfishness, abuse, addictions, affairs whether sexaul or emotional, and just the mere fact of buying into this idea of what life is "supposed" to be about-- excitement, adventure and more, more, more! I am not sure where we started to believe that picking up dirty laundry and picking up kids from practice and having hot dogs for dinner was not considered exciting and adventurous. I am not sure when we started believing that having more, living for yourself (yolo), living a party life full of booze and drugs and hooking up with whom ever you feel like, whether married or not was the exciting and adventurous life to seek. All of which I particpated in. All in which I embraced and believed would give me meaning and purpose. Guess what? It only gave me shame, guilt and a whole lot of cleaning up to do.

I was married for 6 years. It took me a while to understand the part I played in the divorce. And in being divorced with children I have learned that family is not to be taken lightly. Yes, my divorce was necessary, but that doesn't mean it came easy. It is still difficult. Dealing with my ex is still a learning process. Watching my children break down and cry because life is overwhelming while dealing with two homes is also heart wrentching. Not being there when my son looses his first tooth, or when my daughter started her first period is also heart wretching. Trying to accomodate transportation and emotional support to my children is not easy these days. There are days I struggle with shame because I don't know if I am being the mom I need to be. There is no part time mom.

When I married my ex, I was naive. I had two children with him and I carried false hope. Hope that he would change and I would change and with the idea that our little family would be what I thought the world wanted us to be-- Perfect.  I don't know if I would change anything if given the opportunity to go back. I love my children. I did what I thought was best for them. Marry their dad and start being a family. Unfortunately, all that attacks marriage attacked mine: materialsim, selfishness, abuse, addictions, and affairs.

So in a few months I am about to get married. And when I say my vows to my cowboy I know I am entering a convenant of love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope with him. I am entering an exciting, adventerous and very scary journey with him. I am going into this marriage knowing the uncertainty. I am going into this marriage knowing it is going to be attacked. This time I am putting on my armor and sharpening my weapons. I am learning how to protect myself from those enemies that threaten or may threaten our little and lovely family. Is Dan entering this covenant with the same expectaions? Is he aware of the attacks? Does he know that marriage is hard, yet the BEST blessing in his whole life? To my knowledge he does. We talk about it of course, but I have no way of knowing all of his expecations. I just hope he realizes the real blessings in life!

 Yes, cowboy,  your farts are pretty stinky, but it's a blessing!

Is He Into You? (A story of how we met)

Those of you who have been faithful to my blog know that I have dated a few men in my life and in the process learned a thing or two about what to look for when it comes to the real deal. Dating after divorce and with children involved is tricky, and requires a lot of wisdom and patience. It took a few years for me to realize what I was really looking for and how to know if the guy I was with was the one for me and my children. Even though I had established a "list" of what kind of man I wanted, that list had to go through some major re-adjustments after some break ups and very awkward dates. The list began with what I did NOT want in a man right after my divorce, for obvious reasons. After dating a man for a year and three months and a painful breakup I began to list characteristics of what I wanted. So my list began to look something like this:

Someone who likes me for me and doesn't want to change me

Someone who doesn't take life seriously/who is funny 

Someone who is real and authentic/ strong sense of self

Someone who is making a difference in the world

Someone who will enjoy my children and not judge my parenting

Someone who knows how to persevere in hard times

Someone who has a strong sense of family values

Someone who is a partner in providing for us and my family (I do not want to be the sole bread winner)

A partner in crime. 

Now that I had the "list" and began to pick up the pieces of my life, I started to date with these characteristics in mind. I am so thankful now that I established this list because it did help me find the man of my dreams! Of course I had kissed a few frogs before he came into my life and even though a few men had "fit" the list did not mean he was the one for me. So I had to make another list. Not a list of characteristics per say, but a way to know if the man I was dating was into me, and not just trying to get something out of me, if you know what I mean. The ultimate question after all is "IS HE INTO YOU?" 

The reality is that dating can be a selfish act that can hurt other people and even destroy lives. As melodramatic as that sounds, there is some truth in that! How? My number one rule was NO MARRIED MEN, period. Why? Because there a few people in this world who don't respect the ring on the finger. When a married man would flirt with me or want to pursue some kind of romantic relationship with me I had to turn him down no matter what, even if he  said he was separated and pursuing a divorce with his wife. To me that is not a great way to begin a relationship. Any person who hasn't dealt with his previous relationship and healed from the break up isn't emotionally stable to begin a serious relationship with you. I learned from experience, since a couple of guys I dated who were in the process of divorce or separation eventually ended up going back to their wives and I ended up with a broken heart and picking up the pieces once more. Luckily I didn't introduce my children to those assholes! SO needless to say, if a married man wants to pursue a relationship with you, then you have to ask yourself, "Is he really into me?" If he is involved with another person and hasn't taken the steps to make himself available to you, then I think you know the answer. 

When it came to dating I had to ask myself what I wanted from it. Was I looking for someone to just hang out with? Was I looking to date around and fool around with several guys at the same time? Was I looking for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage? I found this to be a crucial question in my dating life because if I met someone who wanted to fool around and date other people, while I wanted something serious, then we would have problems. I tried to date a few guys who just were not ready to settle down and have a family. Eventually we had to part ways. So it was important to establish the reasons why I wanted to date and find someone with the same reasons. 

Since I had two children in my previous marriage I also had to consider if the other person would be open to the idea. I knew that it would take someone very special to want to date me with two children. So essentially I was looking for someone who was patient, kind, fun and loving who wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. If a guy wanted to date me he had to date my children too, if he wasn't interested in my children's lives then I wasn't interested in him. There is nothing more stressful than to have someone make you choose between them and your children, or if he constantly critiques your parenting style. Granted, if you are going to date with children, then it is imperative that you consider your children's feelings. It is not easy for children to accept a new person in their life, and that is why I believe it is wise to wait to introduce your children to your boyfriend/girlfriend. Only you know when and how. I have written about this topic so click here if you are interested. 

Yes, dating after divorce and with children is tricky. Dating can be difficult and come with many challenges. Before I met my farmer cowboy I was discouraged and ready to give up. I was ready to deal with life alone and raise my children the best I could. Then one Friday night I was invited for crab legs and drinks. I could tell he was interested right off the bat. He would stay close by and ask me questions about myself and kids. He made eye contact and smiled. I could tell he was a bit nervous as was I. He was funny in his own silly way, and I found it quite refreshing. He made me smile and so that was the ticket for me to keep the possibility open. Of course he met the requirements with flying colors, but I wanted to know if he truly and genuinely cared about ME and my kids. I knew the only way to know was in time. Would he continue to pursue me even after the "honeymoon" phase? Would he stick by me during difficult times? Would he support me and be there for me when I needed him? Will I be his one and only woman in his life? And does he allow me to be all those things for him? In the end it always comes back to the question, "Is he into you?" A man who is into you, will do anything to make you a part of his life. When I met cowboy, he did what he could to make me a part of his life. He wanted me to meet his family, his friends and has allowed me to be a part of his work. He involves me with his life because he wants me to be there for him. If a man keeps you secret, or doesn't want you to hang out with him and his family or friends, then he is probably not that into you. A big deal for me when knowing if he is into me is the "little" things he does. You know you are a couple when you have established those "little" things that only you two know about and don't share with others. If you are dating a guy and he is doing those "little" things to other women then he is probably just a player and those little things are just a part of his repertoire. Although I could argue that if he is dating other women behind your back, that is a huge indicator that he is not into you! When a man sees what he likes he goes after it and if he really loves it, that's it for him. You know a man is into you when you are the only woman he wants to be with, not just physically, but in all ways.  I knew cowboy was the one when he showed me all of this and more! I knew he was special when we went out for a walk at the Bosque and presented me with a stick. It wasn't just a stick, but a stick that resembled his affection for me and how he cared. A stick that told me, "hey I listened to your story and I liked it, so here is a stick to say I'm interested, are you?" Boy was I! And almost nine months later, our love continues to grow, and he continues to show me how much we are passing the test of time! And my children and I couldn't be happier. 

So this little post is to give you hope. Be patient. And always ask yourself... "Is he into me?"  

Don't settle for anything less! :) 

Giving Love a Chance

The text read... "I really have enjoyed getting to know you. You are a very kind and gentle person. I just don't think I felt that "spark." I wish you the best and hope you find happiness. Take care of you and your kiddos. Sorry again."

We met online. We had two dates. Two. We talked every night. I noticed that after each date he logged on to the dating site (No, I wasn't really cyber stalking him, just noticed). I noticed that he logged on a lot while talking to me. I had my suspicions that he wasn't all that interested in me, but I was still hopeful.

I guess I didn't really feel the "spark" either, but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. I am not one to believe that love comes in like a big boom, although there are exceptions. I happen to believe that the greatest of loves are the ones that come in softly, grow slowly and take time to nurture. So I was waiting for the "spark" in time, as we got to know each other. He was nice, sweet, seemed fun and has the same values I have. We had a lot in common. I was just excited to get to know someone on an intimate level, but because there was no "spark" in the beginning I guess that means all hope is gone.

The analytical person inside of me wants to analyze every aspect of this dating scenario. For one, what does he really mean by "spark?" I wasn't attractive? I didn't have the spunk he was looking for? Well, let me just say that being a single mom and working two jobs is exhausting, not to mention that I spent the ENTIRE day cleaning and cooking and baking for him for our date. I was exhausted, and may have come across that way instead of fun and lively! Either way, I know it was a bit challenging to read him.

I also want to blame the cyber dating world. I mean, how can an individual get to know a person if there are so many to choose from? Surely there will always be women prettier, sexier, funnier, richer and more successful... on paper! Why bother with one when you can bother with several at a time? Why give a person a chance when you can just move on to the "better" one?

I suppose I am still hurting a bit from the rejection, and I am puzzled as to why someone wouldn't at least give me a fair shot. Or am I really that blind when it comes to dating? Does someone really know after two dates that there is no "spark" and there never will be? The guy wouldn't flirt with me or woo me. Kinda hard to get a spark going when you are busy pursuing other women don't you think? Maybe I am analyzing this too much, but in the end, I am better off with out this guy.

I will end this post from a quote from one of my favorite dating movies, "He's Just Not That Into You,"

"And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.”

So I will move on, pick up the pieces and and prepare for the future. God knows who is best for me, and so I will trust him. I will not give up hope.