Dear Kevin,
I found this on your instagram: "I've never pleased anyone in my life, no ones ever told me they love me, or meant it anyway, what's the point of living if you have no one to live for? The only reason I'm not dead is bc I don't got someone to die for."
I think this might have something to do with a girl. Or I think this has to do with how you view your life. I wish I could make you see it differently. I wish I could have you see through my eyes just how much you are loved and how proud I am of you. I wish I could protect you from the world's cruelty. Yes, people sometimes say they love you and don't mean it. It's not your fault. It's not because of you that they do this. It's because they are hurting too. They are afraid of the truth. Sometimes people will hurt you and I wish I could cover you with a big blanket to protect your little heart from this. I know life hasn't been fair, and I am sorry to say that life will continue to be unfair. See, son, I want you to know that life is NEVER going to be what you think it ought to be. Life and people will let you down and you will be left empty wondering what the point of all this is. I know because I tried to live life by my own rules and it left me angry, depressed and disappointed. It took me a really long time to realize that my rules did not fit with how life really was. I wanted people to be more understanding and compassionate. I wanted to live where the good people always got good from life and the bad people got the bad stuff. That isn't true. I wanted people to be honest and kind, and I found out that most people lie and are unkind. I found out that trusting people was not always easy. I spent a lot of time in my anger and depression because I didn't know how to deal with ALL of this. I tried controlling and wishing and conforming, only to become lost and confused.
Son, you are not here to please anyone. The only person you need to please is yourself and your God. Trying to please people here on this Earth is like trying to put on a pair of pants that don't fit. And even if you can get them on, you look pretty silly because it's not a good fit. You need to wear a pair of pants that fit you. It doesn't matter if other people don't like your pants. There will ALWAYS be someone who will hate and disapprove of you. As a wise woman wrote, "don't try and win over the haters, you are not the jack ass whisperer." Be true to who you are son. Be courageous and brave and live life in a way that puts a smile on your face. Even if the whole world doesn't understand you. Even if the whole world doesn't say they love you. But you know what? You do have people in this world who love you very much. I know sometimes it's hard to see it because we don't love you the way you want to be loved. That was another HARD lesson I learned. I learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you at all.
See, Kevin, people are messed up. All of us! We all have stories of hardships and trials that beat us up pretty good. So we don't always know how to love one another the best way. Sometimes we are just plain selfish. I hope that you can look at us with forgiveness and compassion instead of judgement and anger. But see, there are people in this world who do try and love. Who give it their best shot and doesn't care whether it makes a basket or not. I am hoping you can be one of those people. A person who sees life's grander things rather than the ugly ones. Bad stuff will always happen around us, and to us. Please don't ever think that giving up is an option. The point of life is not about pleasing others or having everything your heart desires. It's about living it the best way we know how. By loving ourselves, our God, and others. It's messy sometimes, and confusing, but it's worth it.
I love you Kevin. And just because you have a pulse doesn't mean you are alive. We can walk around like a zombie and just conform to what the world says we should be, or we can be true to ourselves and live in a way that is honest and good to who we really are. In the end you will find that joy you have been searching for.
Be Brave. Be Courageous. Don't Give Up.
Love,
Mom
Showing posts with label Growing Up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Growing Up. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 30
Thursday, July 17
The Prodigal Son
There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, "Father, give me my share of the estate." So he divided his property between them.
Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything , there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent hime to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
When he came to his senses, he said, "How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!" I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: "Father, I have wronged you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men." So he got up and went to his father.
But while he was still a long way off , his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
The son said to him, "Father, I have wronged you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son."
But the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For his son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost an is found." So they began to celebrate...
What a wonderful story right? Don't you love stories where there is a happy ending. Son goes off and lives "wildly" and then returns home to a dad who not only takes him back, but shows compassion and unconditional love. A story where everything seems to work out perfectly. But when I read this story I read so much more than a happy ending. What I see is a story of pain and loss. I see a story of faith and hope. I see a story of a dad whose wisdom and patience is so counter culture that it really makes me think of my own situtation with my younger son.
When the younger son asks for his inheritance there is no questions asked, no judgement of how greedy the son is being. The dad divides his property and gives his son's their share. I know I am sepculating here, but maybe the dad saw that his son was in some sort of need, or maybe it was just time to allow his son's to grow up and take over their own lives. Whatever the reason, it amazes me how the dad handles this situation of giving his son's what they may or may not have deserved. As a dad it was in his best interest to provide for his son's and to be there for their requests.
When the younger son leaves and starts to spend his wealth on "wild living," I am taken back to what the dad must have felt. Was he angry he left? Was he disappointed that his son was "living wildly?" Was he scared his son would never come back? Was he worried his son would die in choosing to live so care free and wild? I do not know. All I know is that I would be feeling all those emotions if my son left and lived "wildly." I would try to control him and help him. I would plea and beg him not to live so crazy. I would lecture and ground him. I would probably look at him in disgust and wonder how he could be so selfish, so greedy and so dumb!! I would be angry at him for spending all I worked for. There would be NO WAY IN HELL I would accept him back. Right??
But why? Why does the son want to come back? Why does he think of his dad when he is in need? And isn't that typical? You know what I mean, those people who only seem to call when they are in need? Don't we all have someone in our life who seems to be that way? And are we not irritated by their request and feel used by them? Don't we demand that they grow up and learn how to fend for themselves? Of course we do! But what the dad does here in this story is so graceful, so compassionate, I want to call him a pushover and an enabler. But when I really think about it, that's not what is really going on is it?
After the pain and loss of loosing his son to wild living, it appears to me that the dad doesn't really give a squat about the money the son spent. In fact the dad seems to have been doing fine considering he still had servants and land. So the dad was not angry at all about the money, but I do speculate he was hurting that his son left and was living life counter to how he was raised. I suspect there was pain and loss here because I too understand the pain and loss when your child decideds to live life defiantly and become out of control. As a parent you want to take control of the situation and make everything okay. As a mom I want to hold my baby and protect him from the world. But we all know that is just naive and unrealistic. The truth is that we all have to let our babies go when they say they want to go and live their own life. Even if that means squandering their resources on wild living? Hmmmm, I am not so sure....
As a parent you don't want to see your children suffer. You don't want to see them make poor choices that will effect them for the rest of their life. See, I did not like this dad at all. I did not like that he allowed his son to go off and live life "wildly" and then take him back so lovingly, because it made me feel that I was doing everything wrong in my own situation with my son. Not only that, but this story seemed so out of touch with reality. I mean, didn't it seem more like a fairy tale ending than anything else? I have heard of stories like this before but the son did not come to his senses. The son did not return. I have heard of stories ending with the son commiting suicide, whether intentional or not, of the son spending time in prison, of the son who continues to steal, lie and live wildly...stories ending with him NEVER coming to his senses and returning home! So again, I ask why? Why did this son come to his senses and was able to feel comfortable enough to come home?
Could it be because of his dad? Because his dad NEVER judged him, NEVER questioned him, NEVER looked at him with disgust. Was it because his dad was so caring and loving that he knew his dad would always be there NO MATTER WHAT? And what about the idea of the dad just letting his son go with no guilt or chasing after him? The dad just waiting... hoping.... praying... that he would in fact come home. The dad must have had A LOT of faith. Faith that his son would come to his senses. Faith that everything would turn out okay. Even if there were times when it seemed so hopeless, he continued to hope, dream and live in faith that everything would be okay... even if that meant life with a broken heart, but somehow he would still be okay.
How do I know he lived this way? Did you read that part of the story? The part when it says, "But while he (the son) was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." I can infer that the dad was looking for his son everyday because it was when the son was still a long way off that he noticed him. Everyday, the father looking at the empty space of land, watching and praying that he would see his son return. The father missing him. The father hoping he was okay. The father living life in faith regardless of how many people told him to give up. To let his son go. That his son was a menace and there was no hope for him. Everyday searching the empty land. He knew that the odds were against them. He knew most stories ended tragedly, but he kept on holding on to hope. He kept loving and praying for his son.
Oh the joy when that day arrived!! That day when he saw a long way off, a familiar face. A face full of regret, pain and suffering, but that old familiar face he still recognized none the less, and so he filled his heart with compassion! No anger. No hurt. No judgement or disgust. Only compassion. So he ran. He ran like he never ran before. His heart whole once more. His faith becomes reality.No words spoken, only threw his arms around him and kissed him!! All that was left to be done was celebrate the return of a lost child.
There are no guarntees in this life. If only there were. So we live by faith or we choose to live with negativty and resentments. There is no guarantee that my son will someday come to his senses and become the man he was destined to become. There is no guarantee that I will be around when that day comes. But let it be known that I too choose to live in faith that he will in fact, one day, come to his senses and stop living life so miserably. And if that day never comes, let it be known, that like the father in the story, I will always love him and I will always be his mother. Everyday searching the empty space of land, watching, waiting, praying and hoping....
Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything , there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent hime to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
When he came to his senses, he said, "How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!" I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: "Father, I have wronged you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men." So he got up and went to his father.
But while he was still a long way off , his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
The son said to him, "Father, I have wronged you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son."
But the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For his son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost an is found." So they began to celebrate...
What a wonderful story right? Don't you love stories where there is a happy ending. Son goes off and lives "wildly" and then returns home to a dad who not only takes him back, but shows compassion and unconditional love. A story where everything seems to work out perfectly. But when I read this story I read so much more than a happy ending. What I see is a story of pain and loss. I see a story of faith and hope. I see a story of a dad whose wisdom and patience is so counter culture that it really makes me think of my own situtation with my younger son.
When the younger son asks for his inheritance there is no questions asked, no judgement of how greedy the son is being. The dad divides his property and gives his son's their share. I know I am sepculating here, but maybe the dad saw that his son was in some sort of need, or maybe it was just time to allow his son's to grow up and take over their own lives. Whatever the reason, it amazes me how the dad handles this situation of giving his son's what they may or may not have deserved. As a dad it was in his best interest to provide for his son's and to be there for their requests.
When the younger son leaves and starts to spend his wealth on "wild living," I am taken back to what the dad must have felt. Was he angry he left? Was he disappointed that his son was "living wildly?" Was he scared his son would never come back? Was he worried his son would die in choosing to live so care free and wild? I do not know. All I know is that I would be feeling all those emotions if my son left and lived "wildly." I would try to control him and help him. I would plea and beg him not to live so crazy. I would lecture and ground him. I would probably look at him in disgust and wonder how he could be so selfish, so greedy and so dumb!! I would be angry at him for spending all I worked for. There would be NO WAY IN HELL I would accept him back. Right??
But why? Why does the son want to come back? Why does he think of his dad when he is in need? And isn't that typical? You know what I mean, those people who only seem to call when they are in need? Don't we all have someone in our life who seems to be that way? And are we not irritated by their request and feel used by them? Don't we demand that they grow up and learn how to fend for themselves? Of course we do! But what the dad does here in this story is so graceful, so compassionate, I want to call him a pushover and an enabler. But when I really think about it, that's not what is really going on is it?
After the pain and loss of loosing his son to wild living, it appears to me that the dad doesn't really give a squat about the money the son spent. In fact the dad seems to have been doing fine considering he still had servants and land. So the dad was not angry at all about the money, but I do speculate he was hurting that his son left and was living life counter to how he was raised. I suspect there was pain and loss here because I too understand the pain and loss when your child decideds to live life defiantly and become out of control. As a parent you want to take control of the situation and make everything okay. As a mom I want to hold my baby and protect him from the world. But we all know that is just naive and unrealistic. The truth is that we all have to let our babies go when they say they want to go and live their own life. Even if that means squandering their resources on wild living? Hmmmm, I am not so sure....
As a parent you don't want to see your children suffer. You don't want to see them make poor choices that will effect them for the rest of their life. See, I did not like this dad at all. I did not like that he allowed his son to go off and live life "wildly" and then take him back so lovingly, because it made me feel that I was doing everything wrong in my own situation with my son. Not only that, but this story seemed so out of touch with reality. I mean, didn't it seem more like a fairy tale ending than anything else? I have heard of stories like this before but the son did not come to his senses. The son did not return. I have heard of stories ending with the son commiting suicide, whether intentional or not, of the son spending time in prison, of the son who continues to steal, lie and live wildly...stories ending with him NEVER coming to his senses and returning home! So again, I ask why? Why did this son come to his senses and was able to feel comfortable enough to come home?
Could it be because of his dad? Because his dad NEVER judged him, NEVER questioned him, NEVER looked at him with disgust. Was it because his dad was so caring and loving that he knew his dad would always be there NO MATTER WHAT? And what about the idea of the dad just letting his son go with no guilt or chasing after him? The dad just waiting... hoping.... praying... that he would in fact come home. The dad must have had A LOT of faith. Faith that his son would come to his senses. Faith that everything would turn out okay. Even if there were times when it seemed so hopeless, he continued to hope, dream and live in faith that everything would be okay... even if that meant life with a broken heart, but somehow he would still be okay.
How do I know he lived this way? Did you read that part of the story? The part when it says, "But while he (the son) was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." I can infer that the dad was looking for his son everyday because it was when the son was still a long way off that he noticed him. Everyday, the father looking at the empty space of land, watching and praying that he would see his son return. The father missing him. The father hoping he was okay. The father living life in faith regardless of how many people told him to give up. To let his son go. That his son was a menace and there was no hope for him. Everyday searching the empty land. He knew that the odds were against them. He knew most stories ended tragedly, but he kept on holding on to hope. He kept loving and praying for his son.
Oh the joy when that day arrived!! That day when he saw a long way off, a familiar face. A face full of regret, pain and suffering, but that old familiar face he still recognized none the less, and so he filled his heart with compassion! No anger. No hurt. No judgement or disgust. Only compassion. So he ran. He ran like he never ran before. His heart whole once more. His faith becomes reality.No words spoken, only threw his arms around him and kissed him!! All that was left to be done was celebrate the return of a lost child.
There are no guarntees in this life. If only there were. So we live by faith or we choose to live with negativty and resentments. There is no guarantee that my son will someday come to his senses and become the man he was destined to become. There is no guarantee that I will be around when that day comes. But let it be known that I too choose to live in faith that he will in fact, one day, come to his senses and stop living life so miserably. And if that day never comes, let it be known, that like the father in the story, I will always love him and I will always be his mother. Everyday searching the empty space of land, watching, waiting, praying and hoping....
Thursday, June 12
Marriage, Fantasies and Homosexuality
Everyday life can seem so ordinary, dull and uninviting at times. Routines can get mudane and unexciting. Maybe that's why we seek the dramatic exploits of fantasy. If only we could be flithy rich and famous, or maybe some sort of inventor of some kind. Perhaps an explorer of new lands or outerspace! Oh why can't I look like Angelina Jolie and have such a rich, exciting life? Oh why can't I be like James Bond, fighting the bad guy and with a new hot chick whenever I wanted? And on and on it goes...
Constantly comparing our ordinary lives with that of fantasy. No wonder we are so unsatisfied. No wonder we end up seeking the wind.
But I wonder what would happen if we decided to answer the call of adventure that knocks at our door everyday? Everyday adventure is waiting. Everyday adventure asks to come in. But instead of inviting this precious jewel into our lives, we leave it at our door step and seek that which destroys real adventure. We seek fantasy.
Let's take a close look at a married couple. Let's say they have been married for about five years. After a year of dating, and getting to know one another, they fell deeply in love. They couldn't wait to see each other. They wrote love letters, or poems to one another. They texted late at night, talked through out the day and they always made each other laugh. They put the needs of the other ahead of themselves and their love was growing and thriving. So they married and had a beautiful ceremony. Their first year of marriage was just like their first dating year. But as life continued to happen there seemed to be less time for those love letters and laughter became a little less. Children entered the scene and they took a lot of attention away from each other. The wife gained a few pounds after the babies, and started to show signs of aging. Husband was working hard providing for the family and started to spend more time at the "office." Not to mention the new intern was young and attractive. She laughed at all his jokes and showed genuine interest in his life. So husband began to fantasize what it would be like to be with this intern. He started to flirt with her, and she started to flirt back. Soon they began to spend more time alone together and what he once had with his wife, is now there with this young intern. So he grows more distant with his wife. That new sense of adventure is no longer there at home. It is now with living out the fantasy of this new ideal of love and romance with the young and naive intern.
Wife is frustrated and tired. She doesn't feel attractive and notices the distance from her husband. She starts drinking a little more. She begins to feel like a martyr and fantasize about what her life could have been like if she hadn't married such a jerk. She starts to work out more and begins her own career path that she dreamed of before she fell in love and had a family, so she spends less time with the kids. The kids are trying to figure out how to treck this new terrain called life, but with no guidance from mom and dad, since they are busy fulfilling their emptiness with fantasy dreams, they are guided by peers, society and media. And since mom and dad fight so much, the kids are left with a skew view about relationships and real life.
A few years later, after husband's affairs, and wife's affairs with her own fantasies, they divorced. The kids now in the middle of custody issues, they find themselves worse off. Husband is always dissatisfied and seeking the wind. Wife constantly driven by the same wind.
This story, although fictional, is true. Our divorce rate right now is close to 60%! That means a couple has less than 50% chance of making it til death do them part. The average length of a marriage is about 6 to 7 years. Althought it is not uncommon to hear about a marriage falling apart after 20 some years. And re-marriage is worse. There is an 80% divorce rate for second and third marriages!
Why????
Well, I suppose for lots of reasons. Affairs, finances, lying, secrets, drug addictions, abuse and violence. Oh yeah, and the ever so irreconcilable differences! Which is to say, "I love you but I am not IN love with you anymore." Or we could say, "I just hate looking at your stupid face everyday, and I just HATE the way you brush your teeth, do you have to make that annoying noise!"
I am not a relationship expert, nor is my expertise in marriage and divorce, I am just a middle school teacher. But having gone through two divorces and now in my third marriage, I have been around the block and read a few things that make me want to fight this battle. I want the world to know there is a HUGE problem here that effects us all. In fact I am tired of our society accepting the statistics as something to be tolerated and as status quo, but rather as something that should be done to protect marriage. Why? Why should we do something about our divorce rate and save marriages? Because if we don't, then our society will cease to exist. Our communities will become extinct. Dramatic you say? Well, just look around at the 75 school shootings lately. Look at the human trafficking going on in our own back yards. Children sold into sex slavery. How many children do we see become addicted to drugs and bullying? Teen pregnancy is romanticized and so are having affairs. Destroying lives and relationships. Our communities are at threat! Slowly dissipitating...
We live in a society that no longer respects marriage. "Just because there is a goalie at the goal doesn't mean you can't score." "I am married, not dead. I can still look and have a little fun!" I have heard countless stories of married women hitting on men and being single myself for a few years, I have had married men hit on me. I have dated a man who was addicted to porn and felt no wrong in participating in strip joints. I have heard of a story of a married woman wanting to pursue a career in exotic dancing, only to end her marriage in divorce. I have one friend who refuses to marry because she doesn't trust men. She was a pole dancer and took off her clothes for money. Her number one clients were married men. I wouldn't want to marry either if that was my perception of married men.
And what about keeping up with the Jones's? You know, materialism and debt? How career and having expensive houses, clothing, cars, and exotic trips seem more important than just keeping it simple and spending quality time with your spouse and children. Number one reason for divorce is finances.
I could go on and on about the stories of failed marriages and how they came to fail, but I think you know them. You know these stories because they are your neighbors, your brothers, your co-workers, and your parents. It is a rare occasion when you hear about a couple celebrating 40 to 50 years of marriage. And those celebrations will be less and less. I will be lucky to celebrate 50 years with my cowboy unless we live to be 90 years old. When I first married I was too young and naive to understand what kind of committment I was making. I knew there was an out, so I went ahead with it. My second time around I wasn't prepared for the battles that came my way. Although I knew the man I was marrying was abusive, I thought marriage would change him. I thought I could change him. I wasn't ready. I didn't know who I was and what my purpose was. I had two kids that needed a mom and dad and I thought I was doing what was right for them.
See, I believe that as a society we don't really understand what marriage is and why it is so important. Instead our society places an importance on romance and sex. Two things that are important in marriage of course, but they are not all that make up a good quality marriage. But what is also causing such big problems in our marriages is this false idea of adventure. For our entertainment purposes, Hollywood does a fantastic job on making our ordinary lives seem dull and unimportant. Our media is shaping our thinking in believing that marriage is for suckers and real living is about living out our sexual fantasies and pursuing riches. Our media is changing the way we look at women. Women are to be nice, sweet, and beautiful. Beautiful as in skinny with fake boobs and a tight body. Men believing that sexy is a Victoria Secret model. ALL fantasy. So our ordinary bodies, with our ordinary lives seem so ugly and unsatisfying, we end up depressed, angry or just full of shame. And since we don't want to admit these truths, we hide them by seeking the fantasy life, or with other behaviors like addictions and self-serve living.
With all that going on, I would venture to say that we are in a battle. A battle that is life or death. We need to start understanding the importance of marriage and family and start respecting the ring on the finger. Why are we so animate about acting like horny 16 year olds at all times? Let us grow up a little and start enjoying the lives God gave us. Let us start killing the fantasies with our so called ordinary lives and invite the grand adventure of everyday life. What is wrong with kissing the same woman every morning as she gradually changes more and more into a mature woman? What is wrong with raising kids to be decent human beings and feeding their curiosity about the world with positive affirmations and life lessons? What is wrong with facing and admitting our problems and finding ways to work through them rather than running away or hiding? What is wrong with telling the truth with love instead of keeping secrets and lying? What is wrong with living life simply and giving back what has been generously given to us? Why must we take, take, take? Married people are not free for us to take. They are to be encouraged to love their spouse and children. We need a society who can shape our culture into what is real and important. We need to fight for our marriages and our family. Our time and place is NOW and HERE. If there is ever a great adventure to puruse, a great cause to feel excited about, let us pioneer this unkown territory!
Oh and one more thing. For those of you who believe that same-sex marriage is a threat to marriage, you are fighting the wrong battle. I know your beliefs are strong in that homosexuality is a sin and therefore they shouldn't be allowed to enter such a sacred and holy entity as marriage. But the last time I checked we still allow other sinners to enter such a blessed covenant. We allow adulterers, liars, greedy people, and divorced people to marry. Some of these sinners are also a type of sexual sin. So unless you are going to protest and ban marriage from these people too, then you are simply being discriminatory and unjust. If you really feel the need to fight for marriage then fight for marriages to have more substance and quality. Start protesting against the evils that really threaten marriage. Homosexuals who want to marry do NOT lessen or threaten my marriage. In fact it is the husband who flirts with his co-worker, or the single co-worker who flirts with her married colleague; it is the wife who keeps secrets and lies to her husband about how much money she spent the other day; it is the husband who secretly looks at the Victoria Secret magazine longing for his wife to look like that, or fantasizing about having sex with the model; it is the wife who doesn't appreciate her husband and makes him feel like dirt that threaten marriage. Maybe instead of looking at the homosexual community as a threat, you can look at them as an opportunity to grow and learn. Perhaps we have a lot to learn from them. After all, they see marriage as something to fight for. Something to embrace and enjoy. A community who, maybe, understands the adventure and excitement that marriage has to offer, that they are willing to fight this battle. Friends, take a look at your own marriages. Just becuase you are married to the opposite sex does not mean you have it right. You’ll do far more good in the defense of the sanctity of marriage by writing a love note to your spouse than you ever could by updating your Facebook status with impassioned, scripture-infused messages in an attempt to put your morals on display. Stop with the madness and start with the love.
Constantly comparing our ordinary lives with that of fantasy. No wonder we are so unsatisfied. No wonder we end up seeking the wind.
But I wonder what would happen if we decided to answer the call of adventure that knocks at our door everyday? Everyday adventure is waiting. Everyday adventure asks to come in. But instead of inviting this precious jewel into our lives, we leave it at our door step and seek that which destroys real adventure. We seek fantasy.
Let's take a close look at a married couple. Let's say they have been married for about five years. After a year of dating, and getting to know one another, they fell deeply in love. They couldn't wait to see each other. They wrote love letters, or poems to one another. They texted late at night, talked through out the day and they always made each other laugh. They put the needs of the other ahead of themselves and their love was growing and thriving. So they married and had a beautiful ceremony. Their first year of marriage was just like their first dating year. But as life continued to happen there seemed to be less time for those love letters and laughter became a little less. Children entered the scene and they took a lot of attention away from each other. The wife gained a few pounds after the babies, and started to show signs of aging. Husband was working hard providing for the family and started to spend more time at the "office." Not to mention the new intern was young and attractive. She laughed at all his jokes and showed genuine interest in his life. So husband began to fantasize what it would be like to be with this intern. He started to flirt with her, and she started to flirt back. Soon they began to spend more time alone together and what he once had with his wife, is now there with this young intern. So he grows more distant with his wife. That new sense of adventure is no longer there at home. It is now with living out the fantasy of this new ideal of love and romance with the young and naive intern.
Wife is frustrated and tired. She doesn't feel attractive and notices the distance from her husband. She starts drinking a little more. She begins to feel like a martyr and fantasize about what her life could have been like if she hadn't married such a jerk. She starts to work out more and begins her own career path that she dreamed of before she fell in love and had a family, so she spends less time with the kids. The kids are trying to figure out how to treck this new terrain called life, but with no guidance from mom and dad, since they are busy fulfilling their emptiness with fantasy dreams, they are guided by peers, society and media. And since mom and dad fight so much, the kids are left with a skew view about relationships and real life.
A few years later, after husband's affairs, and wife's affairs with her own fantasies, they divorced. The kids now in the middle of custody issues, they find themselves worse off. Husband is always dissatisfied and seeking the wind. Wife constantly driven by the same wind.
This story, although fictional, is true. Our divorce rate right now is close to 60%! That means a couple has less than 50% chance of making it til death do them part. The average length of a marriage is about 6 to 7 years. Althought it is not uncommon to hear about a marriage falling apart after 20 some years. And re-marriage is worse. There is an 80% divorce rate for second and third marriages!
Why????
Well, I suppose for lots of reasons. Affairs, finances, lying, secrets, drug addictions, abuse and violence. Oh yeah, and the ever so irreconcilable differences! Which is to say, "I love you but I am not IN love with you anymore." Or we could say, "I just hate looking at your stupid face everyday, and I just HATE the way you brush your teeth, do you have to make that annoying noise!"
I am not a relationship expert, nor is my expertise in marriage and divorce, I am just a middle school teacher. But having gone through two divorces and now in my third marriage, I have been around the block and read a few things that make me want to fight this battle. I want the world to know there is a HUGE problem here that effects us all. In fact I am tired of our society accepting the statistics as something to be tolerated and as status quo, but rather as something that should be done to protect marriage. Why? Why should we do something about our divorce rate and save marriages? Because if we don't, then our society will cease to exist. Our communities will become extinct. Dramatic you say? Well, just look around at the 75 school shootings lately. Look at the human trafficking going on in our own back yards. Children sold into sex slavery. How many children do we see become addicted to drugs and bullying? Teen pregnancy is romanticized and so are having affairs. Destroying lives and relationships. Our communities are at threat! Slowly dissipitating...
We live in a society that no longer respects marriage. "Just because there is a goalie at the goal doesn't mean you can't score." "I am married, not dead. I can still look and have a little fun!" I have heard countless stories of married women hitting on men and being single myself for a few years, I have had married men hit on me. I have dated a man who was addicted to porn and felt no wrong in participating in strip joints. I have heard of a story of a married woman wanting to pursue a career in exotic dancing, only to end her marriage in divorce. I have one friend who refuses to marry because she doesn't trust men. She was a pole dancer and took off her clothes for money. Her number one clients were married men. I wouldn't want to marry either if that was my perception of married men.
And what about keeping up with the Jones's? You know, materialism and debt? How career and having expensive houses, clothing, cars, and exotic trips seem more important than just keeping it simple and spending quality time with your spouse and children. Number one reason for divorce is finances.
I could go on and on about the stories of failed marriages and how they came to fail, but I think you know them. You know these stories because they are your neighbors, your brothers, your co-workers, and your parents. It is a rare occasion when you hear about a couple celebrating 40 to 50 years of marriage. And those celebrations will be less and less. I will be lucky to celebrate 50 years with my cowboy unless we live to be 90 years old. When I first married I was too young and naive to understand what kind of committment I was making. I knew there was an out, so I went ahead with it. My second time around I wasn't prepared for the battles that came my way. Although I knew the man I was marrying was abusive, I thought marriage would change him. I thought I could change him. I wasn't ready. I didn't know who I was and what my purpose was. I had two kids that needed a mom and dad and I thought I was doing what was right for them.
See, I believe that as a society we don't really understand what marriage is and why it is so important. Instead our society places an importance on romance and sex. Two things that are important in marriage of course, but they are not all that make up a good quality marriage. But what is also causing such big problems in our marriages is this false idea of adventure. For our entertainment purposes, Hollywood does a fantastic job on making our ordinary lives seem dull and unimportant. Our media is shaping our thinking in believing that marriage is for suckers and real living is about living out our sexual fantasies and pursuing riches. Our media is changing the way we look at women. Women are to be nice, sweet, and beautiful. Beautiful as in skinny with fake boobs and a tight body. Men believing that sexy is a Victoria Secret model. ALL fantasy. So our ordinary bodies, with our ordinary lives seem so ugly and unsatisfying, we end up depressed, angry or just full of shame. And since we don't want to admit these truths, we hide them by seeking the fantasy life, or with other behaviors like addictions and self-serve living.
With all that going on, I would venture to say that we are in a battle. A battle that is life or death. We need to start understanding the importance of marriage and family and start respecting the ring on the finger. Why are we so animate about acting like horny 16 year olds at all times? Let us grow up a little and start enjoying the lives God gave us. Let us start killing the fantasies with our so called ordinary lives and invite the grand adventure of everyday life. What is wrong with kissing the same woman every morning as she gradually changes more and more into a mature woman? What is wrong with raising kids to be decent human beings and feeding their curiosity about the world with positive affirmations and life lessons? What is wrong with facing and admitting our problems and finding ways to work through them rather than running away or hiding? What is wrong with telling the truth with love instead of keeping secrets and lying? What is wrong with living life simply and giving back what has been generously given to us? Why must we take, take, take? Married people are not free for us to take. They are to be encouraged to love their spouse and children. We need a society who can shape our culture into what is real and important. We need to fight for our marriages and our family. Our time and place is NOW and HERE. If there is ever a great adventure to puruse, a great cause to feel excited about, let us pioneer this unkown territory!
Oh and one more thing. For those of you who believe that same-sex marriage is a threat to marriage, you are fighting the wrong battle. I know your beliefs are strong in that homosexuality is a sin and therefore they shouldn't be allowed to enter such a sacred and holy entity as marriage. But the last time I checked we still allow other sinners to enter such a blessed covenant. We allow adulterers, liars, greedy people, and divorced people to marry. Some of these sinners are also a type of sexual sin. So unless you are going to protest and ban marriage from these people too, then you are simply being discriminatory and unjust. If you really feel the need to fight for marriage then fight for marriages to have more substance and quality. Start protesting against the evils that really threaten marriage. Homosexuals who want to marry do NOT lessen or threaten my marriage. In fact it is the husband who flirts with his co-worker, or the single co-worker who flirts with her married colleague; it is the wife who keeps secrets and lies to her husband about how much money she spent the other day; it is the husband who secretly looks at the Victoria Secret magazine longing for his wife to look like that, or fantasizing about having sex with the model; it is the wife who doesn't appreciate her husband and makes him feel like dirt that threaten marriage. Maybe instead of looking at the homosexual community as a threat, you can look at them as an opportunity to grow and learn. Perhaps we have a lot to learn from them. After all, they see marriage as something to fight for. Something to embrace and enjoy. A community who, maybe, understands the adventure and excitement that marriage has to offer, that they are willing to fight this battle. Friends, take a look at your own marriages. Just becuase you are married to the opposite sex does not mean you have it right. You’ll do far more good in the defense of the sanctity of marriage by writing a love note to your spouse than you ever could by updating your Facebook status with impassioned, scripture-infused messages in an attempt to put your morals on display. Stop with the madness and start with the love.
Friday, May 9
I'm Letting Go
“In some families, please is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was sorry.” ~Margaret Laurence
My words were, "I forgive you whether you apologize to me or not."
I stated my apology and presented the olive branch. I opened the door for reconciliation.
Nothing has been reciprocated. No apology. No effort to reconcile a broken relationship caused by miscommunciation and hurtful words.
So the pain has surfaced again.
It was difficult to forgive the first offense. Now I am trying to forgive the second- the offense of no apology.
To not show any remorse or effort to reconcile the relationship somehow hurts more than the words first spoken.
Perhaps I put more stalk in the relationship than the other person. Perhaps I misjudged our relationship in the first place.
Whatever the reason for no apology, it makes me feel unimportant, empty and small.
Yes, I will forgive, but that does not mean I will forget, or that the feeling of insignificance will go away.
Friends, we are not any better than anybody else to think we have the right to not apologize. Just because someone has forgiven you, doesn't give you a free ticket to not acknowledge their pain and hurt.
To genuinely apologize is to not only bring healing and reconciliation, but it also says, "I acknowledge that I messed up, and I am equal with you. I am the same as you and I value you too much to let my pride get in the way of our relationship,"
To not apologize is to say the opposite. "I don't acknowledge you or your pain. My pride is more important than you and our relationship." To not apologize is inherently an act of conceit.
Here is a proufound statment about forgiveness and apologies:
Forgiveness is simply a reminder that I am on equal footing with every other child of God. We all do good and noble things at times; on other occasions we may offend. I have no right to judge, punish, or absolve anyone. When I behave self-righteously, I'm the one who suffers- I seperate myself from my fellow human beings... I don't know the motives or circumstances that cause another's behavior.
I would like to say that I forgive this person for not apologizing. I will not absolve him. It hurts and it keeps us seperated. I am sad that it has to be this way, and I hope that in the future we will have reconcilation. Until then I'm letting go.
Letting go of the dream of being a family with this person.
Letting go of my judgements and assumptions about why this person does not care about our relationship.
Letting go of the hurt and disappointment.
"You can't hold a man down without staying down with him."
Thursday, January 23
The Real Blessings....
In a few months I am about to get married. I am about to embark in a journey so profound, so mysterious and so freightening. Marriage is a big deal. It is what constitutes our ability has human beings to understand what life is about-- love, faith, perserverance, and hope.
Since both Dan and I are coming from divorced situations we are more at risk for not making it to the end. According to the statistics we have a 20% success rate. That's not very hopeful. In fact it's dawning. It's scary. It makes me want to run and hide and just "pretend" that number doesn't exist. And in some ways I want to take that number as a challenge and when we are at our death beds, I can say, "screw you 80% failure rate!"
But that number is there. It stares me in the face and it taunts me and awakens me to the realization that marriage is hard. And marriage after divorce is even more challenging.
I know love is an important factor in marriage, but I know that it is not enough. We need faith, perserverance, forgiveness, and whole lot of hope.
Faith because you really don't know what and who you are getting. Sure the dating process is to help us know our mate, but in the end, people and circumstances change. There really is no way to know someone completely until you marry them and live life with them. Marriage is a HUGE act of faith. Faith that your partner will be faithful, devoted and committed to you. Faith that you will be faithful, devoted and committed to your partner. Faith in each other.
Perserverance because life is full of surprises. Good and bad. And when life isn't so peachy keen, high doses of perserverance is needed. I think this little tool is important in marriage because so many people do get disappointed when their marriage isn't what they expected. For some reason we believe these lies that marriage is supposed to be what brings us happiness, an institution that is full of romantic love and sex. We go into the marriage believing our partner is our prince charming or our everything. And then as life settles down there isn't so much romance and sex. We start to notice all those flaws in our partner that we somehow thought were so cute before. So we sulk and start fantasizing about what it is like to be single or to be with someone else.
Let me tell you something. The real blessings in life are those little things we take for granted. The fact that we have someone who loves us in spite of our flaws and who continually will be there for us when we are not looking so hot, is the blessing. To have someone wipe your tears, your snot and smell your stinky farts may not sound so romantic, but it is. Sure there are arguments about money sometimes, and sometimes the snoring will keep you up. Sure the kids will annoy you and will have you wonder how in the hell did such creatures emerge from your body! Sure you will get irritated because for the upteenth time you have to pick up the dirty clothes from the floor and yet again there are dirty dishes in the dishwasher. How hard is it to press a damn button?? And then for some reason we start to think that this isn't what we signed up for. This wasn't the life we had dreamed of. Where is the romance and hot sex? And why is hair growing there?
Perhaps we go into marriage with too many expectations. Perhaps we are delusional when we think our partner is responsible for bringing us happiness. Perhaps we don't understand what marriage is about.
I am not saying I understand marriage. I think it is a mystery. I think it is beautiful and amazing and extremely scary. Scary in ways that help me grow up. Scary in ways that help me understand this life. There is no other institution that I can think of that allows us as humans to embrace humanity. There is no other institution where two people can obtain such closeness and intimacy. No other institution that teaches us about love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope. No other institution that shows us how special we are and how special our children are.
Yes, marriage is wonderful and it is difficult. Marriage, I believe, is under attack. Why? Read my last post about lies. Of course that is only part of the attack. Materialism, selfishness, abuse, addictions, affairs whether sexaul or emotional, and just the mere fact of buying into this idea of what life is "supposed" to be about-- excitement, adventure and more, more, more! I am not sure where we started to believe that picking up dirty laundry and picking up kids from practice and having hot dogs for dinner was not considered exciting and adventurous. I am not sure when we started believing that having more, living for yourself (yolo), living a party life full of booze and drugs and hooking up with whom ever you feel like, whether married or not was the exciting and adventurous life to seek. All of which I particpated in. All in which I embraced and believed would give me meaning and purpose. Guess what? It only gave me shame, guilt and a whole lot of cleaning up to do.
I was married for 6 years. It took me a while to understand the part I played in the divorce. And in being divorced with children I have learned that family is not to be taken lightly. Yes, my divorce was necessary, but that doesn't mean it came easy. It is still difficult. Dealing with my ex is still a learning process. Watching my children break down and cry because life is overwhelming while dealing with two homes is also heart wrentching. Not being there when my son looses his first tooth, or when my daughter started her first period is also heart wretching. Trying to accomodate transportation and emotional support to my children is not easy these days. There are days I struggle with shame because I don't know if I am being the mom I need to be. There is no part time mom.
When I married my ex, I was naive. I had two children with him and I carried false hope. Hope that he would change and I would change and with the idea that our little family would be what I thought the world wanted us to be-- Perfect. I don't know if I would change anything if given the opportunity to go back. I love my children. I did what I thought was best for them. Marry their dad and start being a family. Unfortunately, all that attacks marriage attacked mine: materialsim, selfishness, abuse, addictions, and affairs.
So in a few months I am about to get married. And when I say my vows to my cowboy I know I am entering a convenant of love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope with him. I am entering an exciting, adventerous and very scary journey with him. I am going into this marriage knowing the uncertainty. I am going into this marriage knowing it is going to be attacked. This time I am putting on my armor and sharpening my weapons. I am learning how to protect myself from those enemies that threaten or may threaten our little and lovely family. Is Dan entering this covenant with the same expectaions? Is he aware of the attacks? Does he know that marriage is hard, yet the BEST blessing in his whole life? To my knowledge he does. We talk about it of course, but I have no way of knowing all of his expecations. I just hope he realizes the real blessings in life!
Yes, cowboy, your farts are pretty stinky, but it's a blessing!
Since both Dan and I are coming from divorced situations we are more at risk for not making it to the end. According to the statistics we have a 20% success rate. That's not very hopeful. In fact it's dawning. It's scary. It makes me want to run and hide and just "pretend" that number doesn't exist. And in some ways I want to take that number as a challenge and when we are at our death beds, I can say, "screw you 80% failure rate!"
But that number is there. It stares me in the face and it taunts me and awakens me to the realization that marriage is hard. And marriage after divorce is even more challenging.
I know love is an important factor in marriage, but I know that it is not enough. We need faith, perserverance, forgiveness, and whole lot of hope.
Faith because you really don't know what and who you are getting. Sure the dating process is to help us know our mate, but in the end, people and circumstances change. There really is no way to know someone completely until you marry them and live life with them. Marriage is a HUGE act of faith. Faith that your partner will be faithful, devoted and committed to you. Faith that you will be faithful, devoted and committed to your partner. Faith in each other.
Perserverance because life is full of surprises. Good and bad. And when life isn't so peachy keen, high doses of perserverance is needed. I think this little tool is important in marriage because so many people do get disappointed when their marriage isn't what they expected. For some reason we believe these lies that marriage is supposed to be what brings us happiness, an institution that is full of romantic love and sex. We go into the marriage believing our partner is our prince charming or our everything. And then as life settles down there isn't so much romance and sex. We start to notice all those flaws in our partner that we somehow thought were so cute before. So we sulk and start fantasizing about what it is like to be single or to be with someone else.
Let me tell you something. The real blessings in life are those little things we take for granted. The fact that we have someone who loves us in spite of our flaws and who continually will be there for us when we are not looking so hot, is the blessing. To have someone wipe your tears, your snot and smell your stinky farts may not sound so romantic, but it is. Sure there are arguments about money sometimes, and sometimes the snoring will keep you up. Sure the kids will annoy you and will have you wonder how in the hell did such creatures emerge from your body! Sure you will get irritated because for the upteenth time you have to pick up the dirty clothes from the floor and yet again there are dirty dishes in the dishwasher. How hard is it to press a damn button?? And then for some reason we start to think that this isn't what we signed up for. This wasn't the life we had dreamed of. Where is the romance and hot sex? And why is hair growing there?
Perhaps we go into marriage with too many expectations. Perhaps we are delusional when we think our partner is responsible for bringing us happiness. Perhaps we don't understand what marriage is about.
I am not saying I understand marriage. I think it is a mystery. I think it is beautiful and amazing and extremely scary. Scary in ways that help me grow up. Scary in ways that help me understand this life. There is no other institution that I can think of that allows us as humans to embrace humanity. There is no other institution where two people can obtain such closeness and intimacy. No other institution that teaches us about love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope. No other institution that shows us how special we are and how special our children are.
Yes, marriage is wonderful and it is difficult. Marriage, I believe, is under attack. Why? Read my last post about lies. Of course that is only part of the attack. Materialism, selfishness, abuse, addictions, affairs whether sexaul or emotional, and just the mere fact of buying into this idea of what life is "supposed" to be about-- excitement, adventure and more, more, more! I am not sure where we started to believe that picking up dirty laundry and picking up kids from practice and having hot dogs for dinner was not considered exciting and adventurous. I am not sure when we started believing that having more, living for yourself (yolo), living a party life full of booze and drugs and hooking up with whom ever you feel like, whether married or not was the exciting and adventurous life to seek. All of which I particpated in. All in which I embraced and believed would give me meaning and purpose. Guess what? It only gave me shame, guilt and a whole lot of cleaning up to do.
I was married for 6 years. It took me a while to understand the part I played in the divorce. And in being divorced with children I have learned that family is not to be taken lightly. Yes, my divorce was necessary, but that doesn't mean it came easy. It is still difficult. Dealing with my ex is still a learning process. Watching my children break down and cry because life is overwhelming while dealing with two homes is also heart wrentching. Not being there when my son looses his first tooth, or when my daughter started her first period is also heart wretching. Trying to accomodate transportation and emotional support to my children is not easy these days. There are days I struggle with shame because I don't know if I am being the mom I need to be. There is no part time mom.
When I married my ex, I was naive. I had two children with him and I carried false hope. Hope that he would change and I would change and with the idea that our little family would be what I thought the world wanted us to be-- Perfect. I don't know if I would change anything if given the opportunity to go back. I love my children. I did what I thought was best for them. Marry their dad and start being a family. Unfortunately, all that attacks marriage attacked mine: materialsim, selfishness, abuse, addictions, and affairs.
So in a few months I am about to get married. And when I say my vows to my cowboy I know I am entering a convenant of love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope with him. I am entering an exciting, adventerous and very scary journey with him. I am going into this marriage knowing the uncertainty. I am going into this marriage knowing it is going to be attacked. This time I am putting on my armor and sharpening my weapons. I am learning how to protect myself from those enemies that threaten or may threaten our little and lovely family. Is Dan entering this covenant with the same expectaions? Is he aware of the attacks? Does he know that marriage is hard, yet the BEST blessing in his whole life? To my knowledge he does. We talk about it of course, but I have no way of knowing all of his expecations. I just hope he realizes the real blessings in life!
Yes, cowboy, your farts are pretty stinky, but it's a blessing!
Monday, January 13
Do Not Be Afraid
Last night I just couldn't hold in all the emotions that were stirrining in my heart. After dropping off my children to their dad's for the week, and being confronted with my enabling behavior towards my son, the flood gates opened up and I lost it...
Luckily I lost it with a safe person and I was able to sort through all the emotions and relieve some fears.
I don't think this time will ever get easy for me, leaving my kids for a week and missing out on part of their childhood. I don't think it will ever be easy for my kids either. Although they do appear to be handling it much better than me.
As much as I wanted to hide it and pretend it wasn't happening, cowboy brought to my attention my enabling behavior towards my son. I always knew I was, and thought I could get away with it without any consequences. I was wrong. I guess in some ways there was a pay off to why I was doing it. I wanted his affection and his approval. I wanted to keep the peace. Ultimately I wanted to alleviate the guilt.
Through all the tears and jabbering of my emotions, cowboy listened, nodded, and listened some more. He hugged me tight and then looked into my swollen red eyes and said, "It's time to stop being afraid. You are no longer in the same place you were, and knowing the kind of woman you are, you can do this. You can stop enabling him and he can start respecting you. I am here for you and I am going NO WHERE."
Doesn't that little speech deserve some sort of golden globe or oscar nomination? I think so. To encourage a struggling mom to keep the good fight, to bring hope to a situation that seemed hopeless, to want to enable courage when dispair is wringing its ugly head, is better and more insprining than any ficticious Hollywood movie. And it deserves credit.
No more guilt. No more shame.
I do not need to be afaid.
I can do hard things.
Long ago I wished I had someone in my life who loved me enough to call me out on my stuff and encourage me to be a better person. I have found that person. What more do I need to live a fuller life?
You too my friend. Do not be afraid.
Luckily I lost it with a safe person and I was able to sort through all the emotions and relieve some fears.
I don't think this time will ever get easy for me, leaving my kids for a week and missing out on part of their childhood. I don't think it will ever be easy for my kids either. Although they do appear to be handling it much better than me.
As much as I wanted to hide it and pretend it wasn't happening, cowboy brought to my attention my enabling behavior towards my son. I always knew I was, and thought I could get away with it without any consequences. I was wrong. I guess in some ways there was a pay off to why I was doing it. I wanted his affection and his approval. I wanted to keep the peace. Ultimately I wanted to alleviate the guilt.
Through all the tears and jabbering of my emotions, cowboy listened, nodded, and listened some more. He hugged me tight and then looked into my swollen red eyes and said, "It's time to stop being afraid. You are no longer in the same place you were, and knowing the kind of woman you are, you can do this. You can stop enabling him and he can start respecting you. I am here for you and I am going NO WHERE."
Doesn't that little speech deserve some sort of golden globe or oscar nomination? I think so. To encourage a struggling mom to keep the good fight, to bring hope to a situation that seemed hopeless, to want to enable courage when dispair is wringing its ugly head, is better and more insprining than any ficticious Hollywood movie. And it deserves credit.
No more guilt. No more shame.
I do not need to be afaid.
I can do hard things.
Long ago I wished I had someone in my life who loved me enough to call me out on my stuff and encourage me to be a better person. I have found that person. What more do I need to live a fuller life?
You too my friend. Do not be afraid.
Tuesday, February 7
Being Grateful and Learning to Grow Up a Bit More
This morning on the radio it was said that those who have joy in their lives do this one thing: Gratitude! So I thought I would give it a try since I am not feeling particularly joyful this morning. So I have compiled a list of all that I am grateful for. Here it is:
1. My children, they are healthy, smart and full of life. They teach me what unconditional love is and help me strive to be a better person.
2. My job. Face it, in this economy I am very fortunate to have the job I do. Not only that but this is my dream job. I get to teach children and be an inspiration.
3. My Family and Friends. I am so blessed to have the family and friends I do. I need to let them know more and show them how much I care!
4. My Faith. This is something that will never be taken away from me unless I allow it. My faith helps me in times of need, strengthens me when I am weak, and gives me hope! I need to start living a life of faith more!
5. My Apartment. I have a nice apartment. Its enough for me and the kids and its clean and nice! I have been able to pay for it on my own for two years now. I have made it into my little slumber, and I love it. I should share it more!
Okay, so that does work! I already feel a bit better. But still no true joy or peace. Here is why. I have to say that I do need to let this little thorn in my side be known too. I know I can't focus on the negatives in my life, but ignoring it might also make the nuisance grow bigger, so I need to vent a bit.
Being divorced and single has made me grow up in ways I never dreamed. I thought I would be able to do more and see more and meet more interesting people, but that really hasn't been the case. For one, the finances are too limited with one income, especially with a teacher's salary. Second, I don't have as much time to invest in doing, seeing and meeting new people. I have so many obligations with my kids and work. And now with the dating scene and meeting new guys, I am starting to appreciate the concept of fidelity and commitment to one person. Although I haven't dated a lot, its still emotionally exhausting with kids and a new career in the mix. So here is my predicament. What I listed above, about what I am grateful for is more true to me than ever before, but I feel a sense of emptiness and rejection despite my many blessings. As you know I have been dating this guy, lets call him E, for four months now. Its been an emotional roller coaster ride. And if you were to ask him its all my fault! Maybe it is, and I am not sorry about it. I mean, I deserve a good healthy relationship. I am tired of being treated like a second rate person! So I demand a little more in our relationship. I don't ask for much. I just want to know that I am loved, cared for, and admired. I want to be lifted up and encouraged. I want to know that he thinks about me and that he finds me attractive, smart and funny. All of which I would want in someone I am dating. But he is emotionally distant. Mainly because he is a widower. I am trying to be patient and understanding but at the same time I feel used and somewhat rejected. I have my reasons for this and I just don't have the time to vent all of them. But here are few:
1. He does not like my son. I can tell by the way he talks about him. Seems to me that E wants kids that speak only when spoken to and who don't display any kind of defiance or hyperactivity.
2. Did not offer to come over yesterday when I was home sick with a migraine. My ex, however, offered several times to bring me breakfast, wash my clothes, and vacuum my place. I received a text from E around 5:30 pm after he was done with his own dinner. Did not offer any kind of help.
3. Valentines is coming up and no mention of any kind of plans. I wonder if he realizes that this weekend is the only time we have to celebrate it since I have the kids on actual Valentines day. My guess is he doesn't.
I know he is starting his own business which requires a lot of his time and money, but its the little things that he just seems to lack. Like offering to take care of me when I'm sick. Or sending me little notes to have a great day and to smile. Telling me that he is thinking of me. Making plans for the future with me. Even the way he kisses me seems distant and dry. So why don't I just break up with him? Good question.
If only I was a person who didn't care about other people's feelings. Then I could just break up with him and get it over with. Then I could live joyfully with all that I have listed above and not worry about this guy. I guess I am just disappointed in him. He's not a horrible person, but he's just not ready for what I am looking for. And because of his emotional state, I am allowing him to use me for sex and companionship. The truth is, is that I don't love him, and he doesn't love me. He is not what I am looking for and I am a chicken and a coward because I can't let him go. I don't know why. Every bone in my body is shouting to let him go so that I can be free to enjoy my life. I mean, having him in my life is not bringing me joy, only stress and insecurities, like why doesn't he do this or that for me? Why does he need to talk to her for? Why doesn't he notice this about me? And on and on it goes....
If you read this, send a little prayer my way for courage to do the right thing. To grow up a little more and take care of myself and my children. To stand up for what I know I need... a relationship that is mutually satisfying, uplifting and faithful! To focus on the more important aspects in my life, not men who really don't give a hang about me. Thanks.
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