Little Warriors

As I sit here pondering about my future I can't help but notice that my heart is heavy. On top of the heaviness I feel guilty and shameful that I have a heavy heart because life is going so well for me. I shouldn't be filled with fear but with excitement right? I mean I am engaged to a wonderful man, I started a fabulous job at a great school, and my kids seem to be happy for the most part. So I sit here and wonder why I feel so anxious and worried. Why do I feel so uncertain and absolutely terrified?

I suppose I know some of the reasons but I don't want to face them. I want to stuff them in and pretend that these "little issues" are not so big and that eventually they will go away and I will be at peace. I know I have been dealing with guilt from the divorce for some time and I have been dealing with life and all it's challenges, yet these feelings don't seem to go away.

Sometimes facing the truth is hard. Sometimes it is easier to pretend and go on with life as if everything is okay. I supppose I am tired of that bullshit. Tired of pretending that life is okay. Tired of putting on a smile when I just want to scream and punch out at the sky in utter anger! Tired of trying so hard to make things work when they just don't. Tired of myself. Tired of making the same mistakes and pretending "this time" is different. Tired of the way the world works...

Perhaps I am just tired.

I know I should be happy and excited about these upcoming changes in my life, but these changes also mean challenges. Challenges that require my children to endure and persevere through life in ways they shouldn't have to. But they do anyway. I know they do it because they love me. Because they want to be with me and I want to give them some good in their childhood, at least what is left of it. I know I have thought about giving them up to their dad full time so that they can have a stable place to be and not worry about being dragged from one place to another. But I am too selfish. I want them with me. I want to experience some of that childhood with them. I want to offer them little gifts of love, hope and encouragement. I want to see them experience life as they grow up. I gave them life and I want to be a part of it. Yet, there are times it is hard for me to look at them. I mean really look at them like I did when they were younger. That look of admiration, adoration and complete love. I don't offer any of that anymore because I feel so bad that they have to live the rest of their childhood in two homes.So I look away, in shame. I don't want to see them. To see the pain.  I know it can work, but only if all parties are willing. Only if sacrifices are made. Yes, this is why I am so terrified. Why I am having feelings of doubt.

I am scared my children will choose their dad.

If they do, I will be sad. I will be angry. Angry at myself. But for now they haven't chosen their dad. So I shouldn't sit here wondering what to do if it hasn't happened yet. I suppose I entertain these thoughts because I want to mentally prepare myself...just in case.

For right now my children are persevering through the transisitons every Sunday. Perservering through living in two homes and enduring the challenges that come with that. And because of that I am proud of them. Proud for the little warriors that they are. Proud that they are willing to sacrifice so much so that they can be with both parents. Proud that they are making life the best they can make it.

Sometimes we learn more from our children then from anyone else. I am tired, but I need to suck it up too. I need to keep pressing on and make the most of this time. To make sacrifices and know it's all worth it. To keep smiling and to start looking at them again. To offer them the best gift of all... myself.

 And when the time comes for them to fly away from the nest, I hope they can be proud of what they have overcame!

NO MATTER WHAT

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

LIke any parent in this world, we all want our children to be happy and to be brave. Brave enough to be themselves when the world is telling them to be something different. Something that is "acceptable." For reasons beyond my comprehension our society has placed so many pressures on our children. The pressure to be "successful." And that success is defined by not what it means to create and develop the person we were meant to be, but success that buys more and pleases the masses. 

I have been having this conversation with my new found love lately, now that we are going to become a blended family. I have so many concerns and questions and tons of fear on how this new life is going to pan out. I want so much to teach my children to be who they are and to forget the rest. I want them to know that NO MATTER WHAT I have their back. It doesn't matter what they do or how they turn out. I will love them and support them. 

But in the real world, this is a bigger battle than I can take on on my own. 

The real battle here is not telling and proclaiming the truth of the above quote. To reiterate this idea into their little heads and hearts is not the issue here. The battle I face friends is that I can only fight this battle twice a month. Because I am still dealing with guilt and shame of breaking up the family and agreeing with a 50/50 custody. I have already missed a lot in their life because of this custody arrangement and it makes me feel unworthy. Unworthy as a mom. And when I do get to see my kids, I may in fact overcompensate with discipline, gifts, or lack of discipline. Either way I am not parenting with love and vigor, I am parenting out of fear, guilt and shame. 

I know, I know, you thought I was over that already. Well, I don't know if I will EVER get over it. I mean how can I get over the fact that my kids are constantly being transferred every week to a new environment with different rules and different philosophies about life? 

I don't think I will get over it, but I can adjust and make the most of it. I mean, after all I am a Warrior, a Fighter, not a complainer or a victim! I know I have been trying to find peace with raising my kids in two different homes. It has been a difficult battle. But now that life seems to be settling down a bit, I can see the light that will lead to the wholeness I have been craving for my children. I know that marrying a new man will bring in new issues and new adjustments for all of us. I know my cowboy will have to make some major changes as well. And with all these changes I want to show my children that NO MATTER WHAT we remain true to who we are. NO MATTER WHAT we have each other's backs. NO MATTER WHAT love always prevails over fear. NO MATTER WHAT!!