Rantings and other Non- Sense

Love M. Scott Peck! Heck, I like to say Peck... it rolls off the tongue nicely, don't you think?  "Peck!" Ha!  

I cannot begin to tell you how much truth this little quote from him holds. Go ahead. Read it again. 

EVERY time I feel this way, I end up searching and finding new ways to make my life better! Lately I have been feeling empty, unfulfilled and stuck in some sort of rut. Not sure why, but no matter. I think life is telling me to get off my complacent ass and do something! Something cool, and amazing! Not just your everyday normal crap that we do, but something that just might make a difference. I don't have a clue what that is, but hey, at least I am aware that something needs to change. 

I know that my life is in a bit of in between stage, and quite frankly it's a scary place to be. Sure I am certain of where I would like to be in the future, but considering how my life has been the last 35 years, I can't count on it. All I know is that I don't want to continue with the cycle of denial and pleasing the shit heads that don't even matter in the end. I guess it's time my voice be heard and I face my fears and take a leap of faith and be who I really am, say what I really need to say, and to love with abandon rather than with selfish motives. That, my friend, is a lot more challenging than it looks on paper. I am human and I am weak, but I am thankful for the reflective mind God gave me. 

See, what Peck says above is really the crux of how I, we, should live our life. Grateful for all the hardships and pain we endure. Why? Because wisdom is a direct result of suffering. Think about it. The greatest people we know, the most courageous, the one's who take our breath away and do something amazing with their life are the one's who endure the most and overcame! I can give you a list so long of people I know that suffered so much and yet had a wisdom and love that I sometimes envy. 

Many years ago I had this belief that joy and peace was a result of an easy, well established, predictable life. I thought that if I had what I wanted then life would be enjoyable. But as I grow in my faith, and let go of that false belief system, I realized that life is contrary to that belief. Life is better when we endure the pain and hardships it gives us. It gives us wisdom, hope, and an appreciation on how valuable life really is. I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for the lessons I learned through every disappointment, every heart ache, every suffering I had to endure. It was because of the uncomfortable, unfulfilled, and empty feelings that provoked me to search for better and truer answers. That to me is the journey we call life....

And then there are some days when I say screw the suffering and hardships, having some joy, fun and laughter is pretty damn important too! :-)

THE END! 

Ranting

The crux of the matter in my situation is that I don't want to accept that this is my life. I have always assumed that my life would be something great. Something that would have meaning and purpose. But when I have a reality check I realize that my life is small. I shrink myself to accommodate others. I am sweet, polite and courteous when I really want to be mean, rude and selfish. But haven't my actions been nothing but selfish to begin with? Conforming in order to get what I want... approval, acceptance, attention. And in the end, I don't get any of it. I don't get approval, I get rejected. I don't receive acceptance, I receive indifference. I don't receive attention, I receive neglect...

All this sounds a bit on the self-pity end doesn't it? Maybe? But I am tired of holding all of this inside of me. Tired of carrying around this burden of feeling alone, rejected and uncared for. This timid, scared, conforming Roxanne that has existed needs to die. I don't want to care about what others think of me anymore. I don't want to be afraid to live MY life and be who I am! So I am not the coolest, or hippest person on the planet. So I am not the smartest, or the most beautiful. That doesn't mean my life shouldn't or couldn't have meaning, purpose or be something great!

But I am tired of pursuing the wind. I graduated with my masters and it hasn't made any difference about how I feel about myself, or my economic status. I am still afraid and poor. I divorced my husband in hopes to find true love, and the journey has been quite a journey.

Look, this is what I am tired and angry about... I am tired of working so damn hard and getting crumbs as compensation. I am tired of watching people complain about their life when they have nothing to complain about. Myself included. I am tired of this uneasy feelings I get that people don't like me, and really could care less. I am angry how selfish we are, and that we really don't care. Its true... people don't care! Who cares that as a teacher and mother with a load of responsibilities is burdened with so much trivial shit that she can't make ends meet or have feelings of loneliness. How she is surrounded with others succeeding by selling their bodies, souls and poison to others. How she is neglected by her family and nobody to turn to in times of need and sorrow. Everyone living their own lives, oblivious to those who suffer and long for some kind of belonging. Who cares about the people who have no chance in this world to really experience the kind of love that EVERY human has a right to? Who cares? Who? Who will take the time to befriend those who are a bit different, a little shy, a bit awkward in their own skin? Who will take the time to find out that these different people are different for a reason!! Or are you afraid of what you will discover: pain, suffering, neglect, abuse... or do you like them where they are? A scapegoat for your own inadequacies? Someone to keep you feeling strong, powerful and important!

Its not fair! Its not fair that the rich gluttonous know it alls keep all of their "riches" to themselves and only pick and choose who has the right to share in their wealth! Its not fair that the wicked prosper and make the weak weaker by their evil snares and indifference! But you know what's really not fair? Its not fair that I don't have someone to slap some sense into me and wake me up from my own self-pity and ranting non-sense.