You Will NEVER Get It Together

I would like to encourage all of you single moms out there. You will NEVER get it together, so stop trying. Stop pressuring yourself to be perfect. You will never be perfect. Stop trying to live up to an ideal that produces shame. Put down the image you created for yourself, put down the mask, and just show up. Show up with all your imperfections, all of your craziness, all of your youness!

 In the end your children only want you anyway. They don't want a perfect mom. They don't want a tired, worn out, pretending to have it together mom. They want you. All of you. Yes, ALL of you! Even with all of the mistakes, and regrets and the messiness that you have created. Your kids are going to be okay, because you are okay. You are enough, and you are giving and doing enough. Give yourself a break and stop trying so hard.

Don't let the world manipulate you into believing what makes up a good mom. Don't let other moms judge you for not living up to their standards. Their lofty looks and nasty remarks are only an indicator of their own self-value, it says nothing of your value. Don't let the "super mom" culture of this world make you feel less than because you can't do it all. All that is required from you is to love your kids. Period. Love will guide you and show you how to give your kids the best. Don't let materialism of others make you seem like you are not giving enough "stuff" to your kids. Trust me, what your kids need and what your kids want are two very differnt things. You are providing them with what they need, and when they are grown they will show you through their own lives just how grateful they were for providing what they needed (food, shelter, clothing, love and support). They will grow up remembering your time with them, not the stuff you bought them.

 It's okay to have dirty dishes in the sink. It's okay to have un-made beds, and laundry all over the floor. It's okay to have dust on your shelves and to have a pile of toys and homework in the house. Put down the image of a perfecly clean house and go play with your kid! Talk to him. Listen to her. They truly and wholly want you. Your stories. Your experiences. Your time.

Live life and your kids will learn to live life. And in life remember this:

You will NEVER get it together. So stop trying. Just show up and believe it's going to be okay!

Hard-Core Gutsy Perseverance

There was a time when my life was governed and chained in fear.  It was fear that kept me from risking and reaching out. Fear prevented me from asking forgiveness of those I had hurt. Fear hindered me from asking for the support I needed from a friend. Fear kept me cowering from my tough circumstances instead of standing up in God’s power, facing them, and working through them. It was fear that led me to hiding and pretending to be someone I was not.

Fortunately, God, as I understand Him, uses an infinite number of vehicles in the process of helping me face my fears and grow. I do not know of any means that leads to instant growth. In fact, I’ve never met anyone who became instantly mature. It’s a painstaking process that God takes us through, and it includes such things as waiting, failing, losing, and being misunderstood—each one calling for extra doses of perseverance.  In other words-- Learning to grow up comes through hard-core, gutsy perseverance.

Each of these vehicles has led me to a place of wisdom, compassion and acceptance. In waiting I learned to trust. In failing I learned that I was not the failure. In losing I learned to let go. And in being misunderstood I learned the art of compassion. During my time as a single mom, and learning to survive in this broken world, I had no choice but to grow up, face my fears and learn to trust a Higher Power for my daily needs. There were months when I didn’t know how I was going to pay the rent or buy groceries. Being on a fixed income with little and no child support I had to rely on government subsidies and student loans. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I felt that I was a failure because I was divorced and I didn’t want to raise my children in a broken home.  It was never my plan to raise my children that way! I was depressed, angry and full of fear. There were some mornings where I just didn’t want to get out of bed. But I did! Little by little, each and every day, I put a smile on my face and did what I could to survive. Learning to grow up comes through hard-core, gutsy perseverance.

Of all the vehicles, waiting was the most difficult process for me. This is because waiting is a true measure of one’s faith. There isn’t much to do during this time except to trust that The Plan is being executed. I, on the other hand, did not always trust perfectly, sometimes it was messy. I remember when I was waiting for the right teaching job. No matter how good the interview and how much they liked me, someone else always got the job. So I panicked, I cried, and I was giving up hope. So just when I thought I was going to be living on the streets, the perfect job landed on my lap! And it was through this job I met my future husband. Which reminds me when I also waited for love. It seemed as though every guy I met was married, too old, or had an addiction of some sort. And when I thought I had found a winner, it would escape me. So I cried, and I doubted myself. I asked the wrong questions such as, “What’s wrong with me?” rather than trusting that love would find me… little did I know that at the right time… at the right moment… with the right person… love would in fact knock at my door. Looking back at this I realized what a waste of time it was to worry and panic about the future. Knowing what I know now, I would have never shed a tear for the wrong person. I would never have worried about finding the right job. I would have just waited… Learning to grow up comes through hard-core, gutsy perseverance.

Now I am engaged! I wake up every morning and pinch myself just to make sure I am not dreaming! I am so very excited but I am also very afraid. I keep thinking the shoe is going to drop and I am going to be alone again. I fear that I am going to get hurt again as I did in the past. I know that my cowboy won’t hurt me and that he loves me very much. I just have to trust that! I know we are going to make it, and not only make it, but we are going to be amazing. I have come to believe that my difficult time as a single mom was so that I can be prepared for what is to come.

This is what I have learned. One must go through some crap in life and learn from it before making a commitment to someone. One must learn to stand on her own two feet first before standing next to someone else. Someone who is too immature to understand the challenges of life and how to have hard-core gutsy perseverance will not do well. So many times we think that the relationship itself is what will bring us what we are looking for. Whatever that might be. And when it doesn’t satisfy our selfish hunger, we are disappointed and leave (whether physical or emotional), or look for it in someone else. The truth is, is that life is messy, and we don’t know what the future holds. Until we grow up a bit and understand the meaning of waiting, failing, losing, being misunderstood is when we are ready to share life with someone. It is because through these vehicles we learn to be compassionate, understanding, forgiving, and accepting-- we learn to persevere. Those qualities my friend are the definitions of love. And because sometimes love isn’t enough we need good-old hard-core gutsy perseverance!

Hang in there friends! Life is only preparing you for what’s to come!

Single Mom No More!

A lot has happened the last few months! I am now engaged! I am so happy and so thrilled I can hardly contain myself!

Everything about my man is amazing and I couldn't have picked a better person to spend the rest of my life with. Not only is he romantic, funny, and wildly crazy, he has a heart of gold and the character to persevere through life's challenges.

I knew he was the one when he was okay with not sleeping with me right away. I had established that little rule in my dating life to see if the man truly was interested in me, and not what I would give him in bed. Not only was he okay with it, but he truly respected that. Of course he showed interest in me in that way, and when the time was right it was beautiful and everything it should be.

When he met my children it was obvious he was going to get along with them. The fact that my children adore him and enjoys his company means more to me than anything else. To see the excitement in their face when they heard the news is so ratifying that my heart is treasuring every moment.

I have prayed, I have waited, and I had hope that this day would come. Oh, the joy of knowing that I will no longer have to do life alone, that someone will join hands with me and take a leap of faith on this crazy journey. What I love most is that I have a partner who makes me laugh, find hope when I feel hopeless, and who truly has mine and my children's back! I couldn't ask for anything more!

Don't ever stop believing that good is in store for you.

Is He Into You? (A story of how we met)

Those of you who have been faithful to my blog know that I have dated a few men in my life and in the process learned a thing or two about what to look for when it comes to the real deal. Dating after divorce and with children involved is tricky, and requires a lot of wisdom and patience. It took a few years for me to realize what I was really looking for and how to know if the guy I was with was the one for me and my children. Even though I had established a "list" of what kind of man I wanted, that list had to go through some major re-adjustments after some break ups and very awkward dates. The list began with what I did NOT want in a man right after my divorce, for obvious reasons. After dating a man for a year and three months and a painful breakup I began to list characteristics of what I wanted. So my list began to look something like this:

Someone who likes me for me and doesn't want to change me

Someone who doesn't take life seriously/who is funny 

Someone who is real and authentic/ strong sense of self

Someone who is making a difference in the world

Someone who will enjoy my children and not judge my parenting

Someone who knows how to persevere in hard times

Someone who has a strong sense of family values

Someone who is a partner in providing for us and my family (I do not want to be the sole bread winner)

A partner in crime. 

Now that I had the "list" and began to pick up the pieces of my life, I started to date with these characteristics in mind. I am so thankful now that I established this list because it did help me find the man of my dreams! Of course I had kissed a few frogs before he came into my life and even though a few men had "fit" the list did not mean he was the one for me. So I had to make another list. Not a list of characteristics per say, but a way to know if the man I was dating was into me, and not just trying to get something out of me, if you know what I mean. The ultimate question after all is "IS HE INTO YOU?" 

The reality is that dating can be a selfish act that can hurt other people and even destroy lives. As melodramatic as that sounds, there is some truth in that! How? My number one rule was NO MARRIED MEN, period. Why? Because there a few people in this world who don't respect the ring on the finger. When a married man would flirt with me or want to pursue some kind of romantic relationship with me I had to turn him down no matter what, even if he  said he was separated and pursuing a divorce with his wife. To me that is not a great way to begin a relationship. Any person who hasn't dealt with his previous relationship and healed from the break up isn't emotionally stable to begin a serious relationship with you. I learned from experience, since a couple of guys I dated who were in the process of divorce or separation eventually ended up going back to their wives and I ended up with a broken heart and picking up the pieces once more. Luckily I didn't introduce my children to those assholes! SO needless to say, if a married man wants to pursue a relationship with you, then you have to ask yourself, "Is he really into me?" If he is involved with another person and hasn't taken the steps to make himself available to you, then I think you know the answer. 

When it came to dating I had to ask myself what I wanted from it. Was I looking for someone to just hang out with? Was I looking to date around and fool around with several guys at the same time? Was I looking for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage? I found this to be a crucial question in my dating life because if I met someone who wanted to fool around and date other people, while I wanted something serious, then we would have problems. I tried to date a few guys who just were not ready to settle down and have a family. Eventually we had to part ways. So it was important to establish the reasons why I wanted to date and find someone with the same reasons. 

Since I had two children in my previous marriage I also had to consider if the other person would be open to the idea. I knew that it would take someone very special to want to date me with two children. So essentially I was looking for someone who was patient, kind, fun and loving who wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. If a guy wanted to date me he had to date my children too, if he wasn't interested in my children's lives then I wasn't interested in him. There is nothing more stressful than to have someone make you choose between them and your children, or if he constantly critiques your parenting style. Granted, if you are going to date with children, then it is imperative that you consider your children's feelings. It is not easy for children to accept a new person in their life, and that is why I believe it is wise to wait to introduce your children to your boyfriend/girlfriend. Only you know when and how. I have written about this topic so click here if you are interested. 

Yes, dating after divorce and with children is tricky. Dating can be difficult and come with many challenges. Before I met my farmer cowboy I was discouraged and ready to give up. I was ready to deal with life alone and raise my children the best I could. Then one Friday night I was invited for crab legs and drinks. I could tell he was interested right off the bat. He would stay close by and ask me questions about myself and kids. He made eye contact and smiled. I could tell he was a bit nervous as was I. He was funny in his own silly way, and I found it quite refreshing. He made me smile and so that was the ticket for me to keep the possibility open. Of course he met the requirements with flying colors, but I wanted to know if he truly and genuinely cared about ME and my kids. I knew the only way to know was in time. Would he continue to pursue me even after the "honeymoon" phase? Would he stick by me during difficult times? Would he support me and be there for me when I needed him? Will I be his one and only woman in his life? And does he allow me to be all those things for him? In the end it always comes back to the question, "Is he into you?" A man who is into you, will do anything to make you a part of his life. When I met cowboy, he did what he could to make me a part of his life. He wanted me to meet his family, his friends and has allowed me to be a part of his work. He involves me with his life because he wants me to be there for him. If a man keeps you secret, or doesn't want you to hang out with him and his family or friends, then he is probably not that into you. A big deal for me when knowing if he is into me is the "little" things he does. You know you are a couple when you have established those "little" things that only you two know about and don't share with others. If you are dating a guy and he is doing those "little" things to other women then he is probably just a player and those little things are just a part of his repertoire. Although I could argue that if he is dating other women behind your back, that is a huge indicator that he is not into you! When a man sees what he likes he goes after it and if he really loves it, that's it for him. You know a man is into you when you are the only woman he wants to be with, not just physically, but in all ways.  I knew cowboy was the one when he showed me all of this and more! I knew he was special when we went out for a walk at the Bosque and presented me with a stick. It wasn't just a stick, but a stick that resembled his affection for me and how he cared. A stick that told me, "hey I listened to your story and I liked it, so here is a stick to say I'm interested, are you?" Boy was I! And almost nine months later, our love continues to grow, and he continues to show me how much we are passing the test of time! And my children and I couldn't be happier. 

So this little post is to give you hope. Be patient. And always ask yourself... "Is he into me?"  

Don't settle for anything less! :) 

Provider or Parenting?

Sometimes in the effort to make ends meet and support my family, I may have lost sight of my parenting responsibilities.

Dr. Bob Barnes says: "Establish daily: 'What's the priority, parenting or providing?' You need to decide to sit at your children's bedside and talk with them tonight and do the laundry later---even though you are exhausted. Then, you need to make the decision to choose parenting first again tomorrow night, or there may be nightmares later on when the kids are out of control because there was no nurturing parent; there was just a provider.'"

Trying to be "supermom" as well as "superworker" can be draining and discouraging. So I need to remember how great and mighty God is. He does not expect me to do this on my own strength.

So my prayer is that I will go about ways I can change my days to be less stressful and more parenting-friendly. Now that my life has been changing for the better I can be diligent with how I spend time with my kids. Sure I would love to be a great provider for them, but in the long haul its about the memories I make with them. 

"A rich child often sits in a poor mother's lap." ~Danish Proverb 

Life Changes... (Part 1)

First of all, I apologize for my long absence. I have been busy with writing my dossier to get a pay raise at work, and of course enjoying the summer off with my boyfriend and kiddos. We have been having tons of fun and well, things have been going very very well...

So with all the fun we have been having there is something I wanted to write about that has been close to my heart now. Well, as my new relationship with farmer cowboy continues(that's what I like to call him because he loves to garden and has such a wild free heart, and he is sexy like a cowboy), I realize that my life is changing and changing fast. Of course with change comes tons of excitement, anxiety and fear. I am not worried about my relationship with cowboy, because I know that he truly loves me and I truly love him, and we get along so freakishly well, and I say freakishly because it truly is freakish how well we get along! I mean, we don't fight. I know that may sound rather strange and unusual, and I agree it does, however, we just don't. Have we had disappointments and hiccups in our six months together? Why yes we have.
And we got through them.
We talked it out.
We listened.
We compromised.
We were what we needed to be for the other.
So we don't fight. Instead, we laugh, we give a shoulder and hugs when needed, we care for each other, we hang out and we have a great time together. We get each other in ways others don't. I happen to think he is the funniest guy out there! :) So it's been going very very well... So my life is changing because he is not just a guy that I date every other week, or a guy that just wants to get it on and then go on his way, this man is now a part of my life and the lives of my children... and that is a BIG deal. HUGE!

I know in the past I have regretted how I dated and how I introduced these guys to my kids. In the last four years my children have met three men I have dated, including farmer cowboy. Now, I understand that may seem like a lot of guys, but in four years, I don't think it is! In fact the only thing I regret about my past dating life is starting too soon. I should have waited, but hindsight does not change anything does it? I don't regret introducing these men to my children. Now I know I am entering sacred ground here because there are many different opinions when it comes to dating and kids. Some people believe its best to wait until the kids are out of the house, including my ex-husband. As ideal and safe as that sounds, it is unrealistic and it gives our children a jaded view on dating and marriage. Personally, I think that my children should see how dating should be done and how one finds their soul mate and how that relationship is nourished and developed. Children need a good example to look back on when it comes to their own dating and serious relationships. They need to know how a man treats a woman and how a woman treats a man. If the only view they have is a broken marriage how will they learn to have a healthy relationship and trust another human being? And isn't that the real issue after all? How can my kids heal from the divorce if their parents NEVER move on?

Now, how one decides to introduce their new boyfriend/girlfriend to their children is entirely up to them! And I do mean ENTIRELY! Of all the blogs and books I have read about the issue and just how passionate people are about the topic, I can't help but tell everyone that we need to trust these parents on how they live and how they raise their children. Of course as parents we all want what is best for our children, which is why I think it is up that parent to know how and when and where and who gets introduced to their kids. Every parent, every child, every situation, every circumstance is DIFFERENT!  How can an expert know what is best for my child when that expert doesn't spend any time with her/him? How can that expert know what is best as far as dating when this expert doesn't know the unique circumstance of the situation my family is in? Of course I am not talking about trusting those asshole parents who beat their kids and do drugs and put their kids in very very bad home environments. Those assholes should be shot and buried... just saying...

The truth is that I am tired of being judged for living my life the way I have chosen to live it. I am tired of being ridiculed for my choices. I am NOT perfect and I NEVER will be! I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. And if you are a parent you know that statement to be true because as parents we are always screwing up! But we can't deny that we love our children. And God knows I do! I love them so much, and I want them to be happy and successful grown ups! It is my responsibility to provide a loving, caring and safe home for my children. I am not a perfect mom, but I do put a lot of care and thought into how I want to raise them. I don't want to raise entitled spoiled brats! I don't want to raise narcissistic greedy assholes either, who think the world revolves around them. I want to raise considerate, kind, generous, loving, and caring people. People who put others before them and know how to forgive and not judge others for their differences. This is why I have chosen farmer cowboy to be a part of our lives... because he is all of those things and more... and having my kids around that kind of person is showing them what that person looks like and in the end, hopefully, they will learn to be that kind of person! Of course, there are obstacles...

As much as I would love for my children to be aware of this, and as much as I would love to have a fairy tale ending, I do live in the real world. Unfortunately, farmer cowboy is not my children's primary example or role model. They have a dad. A dad that is involved in their lives and who is active in their upbringing. Which is fantastic of course! Its just that we are not on the same page when it comes to important and valuable issues and that causes conflict and confusion. So with that said, I don't know how much of an impact my time with the kids will effect them and vice versa. All I can do is my best. And life has been wonderful! I can't imagine not having farmer cowboy a part of my whole life and the life of my children. Maybe there are people who disagree with me and I understand their concerns, but whether I was a single mom or not when I met my cowboy, there would still be risks and doubts to be had. I mean, love is risky to begin with and there are no guarantees either. So much can happen... and I am aware of that. Is there a chance farmer cowboy can leave us and I find myself once again in the single mom boat? You bet! So why would I risk that and put my children's heart at risk too... well lots of reasons...

First of all, I don't believe in keeping adversity from my children. I think children should go through hardships and suffer in life a bit. Its the only way we learn about our own selves, and learn to problem solve. I don't believe in providing a disneyland home, where its always happy and they get whatever they want! I want my children to learn how to handle tough life situations. They way I handle life is how I am teaching them to handle it. So when I decided to move forward from the divorce and date, essentially I was telling my kiddos that life goes on! Life does get better after a storm. I don't want to raise sissies. Second, I want my kids to see that hearts do heal. See, even though it didn't work out with those other guys, (as it worked out great for farmer cowboy) my kids saw that dating is not a fairy tale. It takes work. They saw how I established boundaries, and a list of the kind of man I was looking for. I mean Hollywood does a shitty job protraying what dating is like! Even though there were close potentials, I broke up with them because it just wasn't going to work. My kids saw that it is okay to end unhealthy relationships and that it is okay to hurt other people's feelings sometimes if it's for the best. Because of the kind of relationship I had with my ex, I find it important that my kids see a healthy relationship. Period.

How My Kids Will Turn Out

Last night I was watching the 80’s blockbuster, “Back To The Future” with my kids. It is always a joy to watch Michael J. Fox. It's certainly an entertaining movie and it has some great science lessons in there as well, but the real fun was to imagine myself twenty years from now as well as my own kids. As we were poking fun on how we would look and what the world around us would be like I had a daunting thought: When my kids grow up and turn out just like me, how will I feel about that? Hmmm…This is such a great question to ask as a parent because it makes you look at yourself and the example you are setting. As much as I am an advocate for the latest parenting book and applying the basic concepts of being consistent and involved in your child’s life, it really does come down to the example you are setting for your kids by the kind of life you are living. In other words, I am the main model to my kids on how to handle life. It doesn’t matter if I tell them to be honest if I am not showing them how. If I am consistently dishonest about certain things in my life, then my kids will also be. If they see me get up and work out, they will probably get up and work out themselves (or not). Of course this does not take the place of discipline because discipline still has its part and one should always train a child on the virtues of right and wrong. But what really matters here is what kind of life I am living and the message being sent to my children. After all, don’t I want to give them the necessary skills to be successful? And by successful I mean to be a productive citizen in our community, a person full of joy, integrity and courage. So when I think about the kind of people I want my kids to be, I need to stop and think if I am living that way. Am I a productive citizen in my community? Am I full of joy, integrity and courage?  See, I CANNOT ASK MY CHILDREN TO BE BETTER THAN ME! In other words, it’s the whole “do as I say and not what I do” mentality. I cannot expect my children to be born with the knowledge or will power on how to do what they “ought” to do rather than what they “want” to do, unless I, as their mother, guide them in that direction. Let’s face it even as adults we have a hard time with that concept. In fact it takes a mature person to really live that way… wouldn’t you say? And the only true way to guide anyone to have that kind of direction is to be the example.

As a single parent, it is so easy to fall into this life style of two different lives. One life is where you live while the kids are with you and the other is when they are with the other parent.  For me it was definitely two different lives, one where I lived life more conservatively and the other as if I had no responsibility. The funny thing was, was that my children knew anyway what I was doing even though they were not with me. Kids are not dumb. So essentially I was teaching them that it was okay to get drunk and try and fit in with the crowd. Even though I was trying to teach them to stay away from drugs and be their own person. However, after some heartache and regret, I am fortunate enough to realize my mistakes and have a second chance. I no longer lie to my kids about my “other” life because I don’t have to. I live a consistent life now. How I live with my kids is how live when they are not with me. This has brought so much peace into my home! One way it has is that my kids know for certain who I am and what to expect from me. There are no secrets, no lying and so they are not surprised with anything. This is how I gain their trust. And in gaining their trust, they will more likely listen to me. I think that is what’s meant when the experts say be consistent!  Consistent with my values, my beliefs, my faith and my life! As much as I desire my kids to be a better person than I am right now, it is not going to happen if I don’t try and aim for that kind of person right now! I need to live life with joy, kindness, courage, and much love! I need to live life with honesty, and with an above average work ethic. If I don’t want my kids to complain, then I need to stop! If I don’t want my kids to live a mediocre life then I better get off my complacent butt and start living an amazing life! I need to go after my dreams and show them it is possible. WOW! all that from an 80’s movie. Thanks Spielberg for sending me to the future so I can do what I need to do now in order for my kids to reap the fruit of their own future… 

A Brand New Chapter...

When I started this blog I wanted in some ways to remember this special time of my life; of being single and all that I would encounter in being a single parent. I knew that going through a divorce was not going to be easy, and boy it wasn’t. But I also knew that this would be a time for me to grow and to find meaning in life.  So I wanted to write it down so that I can look back and cherish these moments. Yes, I want to cherish the difficult times in my life because it is then that I seem to appreciate what this life has to offer. What I have found is that no matter what difficulties I go through, they are not permanent. I find great joy in knowing that a storm does not last a lifetime, however, depending on the strength of the storm, it can have life long effects…but the good news is, is that those effects do not have to ruin one’s life, or run one’s life. I can’t really put into words just how special these last few years have been for me because I have learned so much about life and about myself. One of the biggest lessons I am learning is that in order to be content I need to accept who I am, and what life has dealt me. I can’t change my past, I can’t change my family, and I can’t change the consequences of my choices. I am learning everyday that I am a great person and I deserve the best life has to offer, even when I make mistakes. I really do! It has taken me over 20 years to finally believe that! I still have my fears, my flaws, and my doubts, and everyday is a battle to overcome those obstacles.

Recently I have begun dating this wonderful man named Dan. He is amazing and has been a true blessing in my life. I know it seems sudden and perhaps one would think that this is just another guy passing through, but I can reassure you, this is not the case at all. For one, it has been over three months and I can’t give one complaint or think of one reason why this wouldn’t work. (It usually takes two to three months to notice red flags).  Okay, so maybe I can complain about his obnoxious brother, but not everyone is perfect! Actually I have to take that back, I can’t complain about his brother because he was the one who set us up. So, as I was saying, nothing to complain about, but I do have so many wonderful things to say….

I won’t bore you with all the details of how considerate and awesome this man is, or all the fun we are having, not to mention how my whole world lights up when I am in his presence, but I will tell you that for the first time in my life I truly believe I have found someone in whom I know I can love and be loved. It is so awe striking how much we have in common and how we seem to just “fit.” I miss him so much when he is away and all I do is think about him and how much I love him! Yes, I said it… I love him! And I know that he loves me. ME! The real me! And how do I know this? Maybe it’s the way he looks at me, or the fact that he takes time to show how much he cares, in all the right ways, or is the haikus he writes me, or the way he kisses me? Or could it be something a little deeper, like trust and risk? Yes, it’s all those things. I can’t explain it because I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I can honestly say that I trust him. Hmmm, this is a HUGE step for me! I think its all part of this journey I have been on. This journey of learning to let go and live life! I know deep in my heart that we were not meant to live life alone. We were meant to share our life with someone in whom we trust, and that takes risk! Love after all is risky. Nobody has guarantees about tomorrow so I can’t tell you for sure what the future holds, but I do know that somehow he will be a part of it. Now that thought makes me smile, makes me happy and gives me hope… And so the journey continues….