The Real Blessings....

In a few months I am about to get married. I am about to embark in a journey so profound, so mysterious and so freightening. Marriage is a big deal. It is what constitutes our ability has human beings to understand what life is about-- love, faith, perserverance, and hope.

Since both Dan and I are coming from divorced situations we are more at risk for not making it to the end. According to the statistics we have a 20% success rate. That's not very hopeful. In fact it's dawning. It's scary. It makes me want to run and hide and just "pretend" that number doesn't exist. And in some ways I want to take that number as a challenge and when we are at our death beds, I can say, "screw you 80% failure rate!"

But that number is there. It stares me in the face and it taunts me and awakens me to the realization that marriage is hard. And marriage after divorce is even more challenging.

I know love is an important factor in marriage, but I know that it is not enough. We need faith, perserverance, forgiveness, and whole lot of hope.

Faith because you really don't know what and who you are getting. Sure the dating process is to help us know our mate, but in the end, people and circumstances change. There really is no way to know someone completely until you marry them and live life with them. Marriage is a HUGE act of faith. Faith that your partner will be faithful, devoted and committed to you. Faith that you will be faithful, devoted and committed to your partner. Faith in each other.

Perserverance because life is full of surprises. Good and bad. And when life isn't so peachy keen, high doses of perserverance is needed. I think this little tool is important in marriage because so many people do get disappointed when their marriage isn't what they expected. For some reason we believe these lies that marriage is supposed to be what brings us happiness, an institution that is full of romantic love and sex. We go into the marriage believing our partner is our prince charming or our everything. And then as life settles down there isn't so much romance and sex. We start to notice all those flaws in our partner that we somehow thought were so cute before. So we sulk and start fantasizing about what it is like to be single or to be with someone else.

Let me tell you something. The real blessings in life are those little things we take for granted. The fact that we have someone who loves us in spite of our flaws and who continually will be there for us when we are not looking so hot, is the blessing. To have someone wipe your tears, your snot and smell your stinky farts may not sound so romantic, but it is. Sure there are arguments about money sometimes, and sometimes the snoring will keep you up. Sure the kids will annoy you and will have you wonder how in the hell did such creatures emerge from your body! Sure you will get irritated because for the upteenth time you have to pick up the dirty clothes from the floor and yet again there are dirty dishes in the dishwasher. How hard is it to press a damn button?? And then for some reason we start to think that this isn't what we signed up for. This wasn't the life we had dreamed of. Where is the romance and hot sex? And why is hair growing there?

Perhaps we go into marriage with too many expectations. Perhaps we are delusional when we think our partner is responsible for bringing us happiness. Perhaps we don't understand what marriage is about.

I am not saying I understand marriage. I think it is a mystery. I think it is beautiful and amazing and extremely scary. Scary in ways that help me grow up. Scary in ways that help me understand this life. There is no other institution that I can think of that allows us as humans to embrace humanity. There is no other institution where two people can obtain such closeness and intimacy. No other institution that teaches us about love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope. No other institution that shows us how special we are and how special our children are.

Yes, marriage is wonderful and it is difficult. Marriage, I believe, is under attack. Why? Read my last post about lies. Of course that is only part of the attack. Materialism, selfishness, abuse, addictions, affairs whether sexaul or emotional, and just the mere fact of buying into this idea of what life is "supposed" to be about-- excitement, adventure and more, more, more! I am not sure where we started to believe that picking up dirty laundry and picking up kids from practice and having hot dogs for dinner was not considered exciting and adventurous. I am not sure when we started believing that having more, living for yourself (yolo), living a party life full of booze and drugs and hooking up with whom ever you feel like, whether married or not was the exciting and adventurous life to seek. All of which I particpated in. All in which I embraced and believed would give me meaning and purpose. Guess what? It only gave me shame, guilt and a whole lot of cleaning up to do.

I was married for 6 years. It took me a while to understand the part I played in the divorce. And in being divorced with children I have learned that family is not to be taken lightly. Yes, my divorce was necessary, but that doesn't mean it came easy. It is still difficult. Dealing with my ex is still a learning process. Watching my children break down and cry because life is overwhelming while dealing with two homes is also heart wrentching. Not being there when my son looses his first tooth, or when my daughter started her first period is also heart wretching. Trying to accomodate transportation and emotional support to my children is not easy these days. There are days I struggle with shame because I don't know if I am being the mom I need to be. There is no part time mom.

When I married my ex, I was naive. I had two children with him and I carried false hope. Hope that he would change and I would change and with the idea that our little family would be what I thought the world wanted us to be-- Perfect.  I don't know if I would change anything if given the opportunity to go back. I love my children. I did what I thought was best for them. Marry their dad and start being a family. Unfortunately, all that attacks marriage attacked mine: materialsim, selfishness, abuse, addictions, and affairs.

So in a few months I am about to get married. And when I say my vows to my cowboy I know I am entering a convenant of love, faith, perserverance, forgiveness and hope with him. I am entering an exciting, adventerous and very scary journey with him. I am going into this marriage knowing the uncertainty. I am going into this marriage knowing it is going to be attacked. This time I am putting on my armor and sharpening my weapons. I am learning how to protect myself from those enemies that threaten or may threaten our little and lovely family. Is Dan entering this covenant with the same expectaions? Is he aware of the attacks? Does he know that marriage is hard, yet the BEST blessing in his whole life? To my knowledge he does. We talk about it of course, but I have no way of knowing all of his expecations. I just hope he realizes the real blessings in life!

 Yes, cowboy,  your farts are pretty stinky, but it's a blessing!

Do Not Be Afraid

Last night I just couldn't hold in all the emotions that were stirrining in my heart. After dropping off my children to their dad's for the week, and being confronted with my enabling behavior towards my son, the flood gates opened up and I lost it...

Luckily I lost it with a safe person and I was able to sort through all the emotions and relieve some fears.

I don't think this time will ever get easy for me, leaving my kids for a week and missing out on part of their childhood. I don't think it will ever be easy for my kids either. Although they do appear to be handling it much better than me.

As much as I wanted to hide it and pretend it wasn't happening, cowboy brought to my attention my enabling behavior towards my son. I always knew I was, and thought I could get away with it without any consequences. I was wrong. I guess in some ways there was a pay off to why I was doing it. I wanted his affection and his approval. I wanted to keep the peace. Ultimately I wanted to alleviate the guilt.

Through all the tears and jabbering of my emotions, cowboy listened, nodded, and listened some more. He hugged me tight and then looked into my swollen red eyes and said, "It's time to stop being afraid. You are no longer in the same place you were, and knowing the kind of woman you are, you can do this. You can stop enabling him and he can start respecting you. I am here for you and I am going NO WHERE."

Doesn't that little speech deserve some sort of golden globe or oscar nomination? I think so. To encourage a struggling mom to keep the good fight, to bring hope to a situation that seemed hopeless, to want to enable courage when dispair is wringing its ugly head, is better and more insprining than any ficticious Hollywood movie. And it deserves credit.

No more guilt. No more shame.

I do not need to be afaid.

I can do hard things.

Long ago I wished I had someone in my life who loved me enough to call me out on my stuff and encourage me to be a better person. I have found that person. What more do I need to live a fuller life?

You too my friend. Do not be afraid.

Little Warriors

As I sit here pondering about my future I can't help but notice that my heart is heavy. On top of the heaviness I feel guilty and shameful that I have a heavy heart because life is going so well for me. I shouldn't be filled with fear but with excitement right? I mean I am engaged to a wonderful man, I started a fabulous job at a great school, and my kids seem to be happy for the most part. So I sit here and wonder why I feel so anxious and worried. Why do I feel so uncertain and absolutely terrified?

I suppose I know some of the reasons but I don't want to face them. I want to stuff them in and pretend that these "little issues" are not so big and that eventually they will go away and I will be at peace. I know I have been dealing with guilt from the divorce for some time and I have been dealing with life and all it's challenges, yet these feelings don't seem to go away.

Sometimes facing the truth is hard. Sometimes it is easier to pretend and go on with life as if everything is okay. I supppose I am tired of that bullshit. Tired of pretending that life is okay. Tired of putting on a smile when I just want to scream and punch out at the sky in utter anger! Tired of trying so hard to make things work when they just don't. Tired of myself. Tired of making the same mistakes and pretending "this time" is different. Tired of the way the world works...

Perhaps I am just tired.

I know I should be happy and excited about these upcoming changes in my life, but these changes also mean challenges. Challenges that require my children to endure and persevere through life in ways they shouldn't have to. But they do anyway. I know they do it because they love me. Because they want to be with me and I want to give them some good in their childhood, at least what is left of it. I know I have thought about giving them up to their dad full time so that they can have a stable place to be and not worry about being dragged from one place to another. But I am too selfish. I want them with me. I want to experience some of that childhood with them. I want to offer them little gifts of love, hope and encouragement. I want to see them experience life as they grow up. I gave them life and I want to be a part of it. Yet, there are times it is hard for me to look at them. I mean really look at them like I did when they were younger. That look of admiration, adoration and complete love. I don't offer any of that anymore because I feel so bad that they have to live the rest of their childhood in two homes.So I look away, in shame. I don't want to see them. To see the pain.  I know it can work, but only if all parties are willing. Only if sacrifices are made. Yes, this is why I am so terrified. Why I am having feelings of doubt.

I am scared my children will choose their dad.

If they do, I will be sad. I will be angry. Angry at myself. But for now they haven't chosen their dad. So I shouldn't sit here wondering what to do if it hasn't happened yet. I suppose I entertain these thoughts because I want to mentally prepare myself...just in case.

For right now my children are persevering through the transisitons every Sunday. Perservering through living in two homes and enduring the challenges that come with that. And because of that I am proud of them. Proud for the little warriors that they are. Proud that they are willing to sacrifice so much so that they can be with both parents. Proud that they are making life the best they can make it.

Sometimes we learn more from our children then from anyone else. I am tired, but I need to suck it up too. I need to keep pressing on and make the most of this time. To make sacrifices and know it's all worth it. To keep smiling and to start looking at them again. To offer them the best gift of all... myself.

 And when the time comes for them to fly away from the nest, I hope they can be proud of what they have overcame!