A Letter to My Children

Mother's Day is approaching and so it has me thinking about the last fourteen years I have had with my children. The memories are both good and bad. As my oldest is now ending her first year of high school and my son his first year of middle school, I hope that what I have tried to instill in them will mature and they will shine as content and productive adults. I don't really want anything for Mother's Day except to be with my family and enjoy the moment with them. I do however, want my children to know just how much they are loved and just how brave to be in this crazy world. Here is a letter I want to give them this Mother's Day:

Dear Stacy and Kevin,

First and foremost, I love you. I love you because of who you are, and not becuase of what you are. I know I have not been the best mom to you both. I have had a lot of distractions in my life that probably made you feel less important and confused. I know that when we were going through the divorce, a very painful time for you two, I was consumed with homework, fighting with your dad and dating. I want you to know that I am sorry for this. I am sorry I didn't spend more time with you and that I didn't take the time to listen to your concerns, fears, and confusion. I am sorry I didn't provide the care and nurturing you needed during a time you needed it the most. It is my biggest regret I have. If I could take it back and re-do certain things I would. I would hug you guys more, and spend more qaulity time with you and put down my facebook, my essay, cancel that date and take you for ice cream or to a park. Now, you are growing up so fast, that you want to hang out at the mall with your friends and you are busy with your own homework and athletics there isn't much time to just hang out.
Please know that I am still here for you now. No matter what, I am here to listen. I will not judge you or condemn you. I will love you and listen to your woes and joys. I only hope that it is not too late to build a solid relationship with you. Please know that I have learned so many lessons the last few years and I want to pass these on to you.

1.  Be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes. When we do, don't beat yourself up. Be kind to you and then make it right. It is never too late to apologize and to pick up the pieces and make it right again.

2. Forgive others. They too make mistakes. They need kindness as much as you do. Don't take any offense personal. Forgive them and your life will be free to live fully. Forgive them and they too will forgive and the world is a much better place because of this.

3. Be grateful. Life is unfair and unkind sometimes and so you need to look at the good and be grateful for that. Don't look at what you don't have, but what you do. Be thankful for all the little things in life and you will see how rich you are.

4. Spread joy. You are never alone in your pain or confusion. Everyone is trying to make sense of this crazy life and so we all need a little hug, a little smile and a little encouragement. Spread joy and you will be more joyful.

5. Be giving. Some people only take in life and never give back in return. Refuse to be that person. Give with no strings attached or with no expectations. Some people just have nothing to give at the time and need to know there is someone who cares.

6. Be accepting. Sometimes we feel different from others. Accept yourself for who you are. Trust me, you are enough. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. And in return accpet others who are different from you. They too feel awkward at times and rejected, so let them know they are okay too.

7. Be brave. It isn't always easy to do the right thing. Sometimes you will loose friends, and sometimes you will be ridiculed for standing up for justice. Know that when you do what is right despite the outcome, you will be blessed. You will have made the world a little better. So be brave and swim against the current.

8. Set your priorities. It is important to know what is important in life and what isn't. Family will always be number one.Sometimes, friends come and go, and so does stuff. Your family will always be there and will provide for you what you need. Our relationships with our family is much too valuable to just set aside.

9. Be humble. Don't make the mistake of believing you are better than someone else. Don't make the same equal mistake by thinking others are better than you. We are all equal children of God. A circle of diversed and messed up people. To not forgive or ask for forgiveness is to deny this very truth. Everyone is deserving of our love and kindness and especially our forgiveness. Treat others as you would like to be treated and you will have a fulfilling life!  Always try and remember to concern yourself with how you treat others and not with how they treat you.

10. Have fun. Remember not to take life too seriously. Enjoy what is around you and who you are with. Smile, laugh and just have fun. Life is too short. As Bugs Bunny taught me, nobody has ever come out of life alive, so don't take it too seriously. Bugs Bunny is wise! :) Sometimes you learn a lot from a cartoon character.

As your mother, I am blessed to have you two in my life. You make me a better person. You have taught me those lessons above. When you both came into my life, I realized that I had to put you two before my own needs, and it made me grow up. You saved me from myself kids, and I will always be grateful for that. I know life hasn't been fair to you and I haven't always been there, but I am here now and we are picking up the pieces and making it right once again.  I love you always.

Love Always,
Your Mama

God Give Me Wisdom and Courage...

There is an ancient story of long ago about two mothers. There was a famine in the land and resources were scarce and so one of the mother's baby died. So she stole the other mother's baby, and put the dead baby next to the other mother. The other mother knew what happened and demanded her baby back. The only way to settle the matter was to bring it to the King. He was the wisest King known of all time, so the desperate mother knew he would be able to bring justice. When the mother told of her predicament and demanded her baby back, and seeing that the other mother was just as desperate in claiming that the child was her own and the other mother was lying, the King's solution was shocking but effective. He told one of his servants to cut the baby in half and give each half to the two mothers. One mother shouted in agony and pleaded with the King not to do that. To go ahead and give the baby to the other mother. The other mother smiled in victory. So the King changed his mind and gave this order, "Give the child to the mother who pleaded to stop the execution, obviously this is the real mother of the child, as she did not want to see her baby die."

What a wise King indeed. I wish we still had wise rulers today who really do look out for the best interest of our families. But then again, what about the wisdom of the mother who was willing to give up her baby just so that her baby could live? Hmmm. I can't help but think about my own situation when I remember this story. Lately I have been watching my own children suffer and I am trying hard to determine if it is because of the divorce or because of typical adolescent immaturity. I know that I can't keep every bad situation from my kids and whether I was still married or not they would still have to face choices and decide for themselves what kind of life they will live. 

With that said, I am still trying to figure out what is best for my children right now. Although my ex and I have a 50/50 custody (seven days each) I am finding that it is becoming disruptive and socially awkward for my adolescent children. I don't want to blame the custody arrangements on how my children have been behaving, but because they have been going through some difficult times, I do believe the custody arrangement isn't the best right now. I don't know if there is a way around it so that we can keep the custody 50/50, for example, two weeks on and off. Giving them more time to adjust and have more time to hang out with friends, although it would be difficult to be away from them for that long period of time. 

Ideally, it would be better if I could have primary care of the children. I do believe they need stability and they haven't had that in quite some time. So many moves, and with me trying to figure out my career, and having financial stress, along with a few failed relationships, its been hard on all of us. But now that life is settling down and I am in a stable relationship, I do believe I can give them the security they need to grow up healthy. Over all I just want to see my kids happy and thriving. Instead I am watching them suffer and make poor choices. Naturally as their mother, I want to alleviate some of their pain and give them the best childhood I can give them, but with this kind of arrangement, I am finding it quite challenging. Like the mother in the story I want to see my babies live, not suffer and die. But am I willing to give them up to ensure that happens? Of course I don't want to give them up, but I also know that fighting for them like the story above, is only causing them to be torn in half! Having two homes and packing every week is exhausting and how can they possibly have stability with two different parenting styles, two different sets of rules, and two different ways of life? God knows I have tried to talk to my ex about these matters only to get ridiculed about my decision of divorcing him and getting bombarded with guilt. I know that asking full custody means fighting and court fees and attorneys. Is that really beneficial for my kids? I wonder though, if I gave up full custody to my ex if that would be an alternate solution???? 

I am humbled when I think of the mother who was willing to give up her baby in order for her baby to live. I am torn to pieces thinking about that. I don't know if I am willing to do that. Which makes me wonder if I am really that selfish. Perhaps the decision would be easier knowing that if I HAD to make that decision, that my children would be going to an environment that was better. But knowing that they would be going to an environment with a person who is emotionally unstable and whose priority is to fulfill some adolescent fantasy, makes it hard for me to just let go. 

This is probably the most difficult situation I have ever found myself in. 

This is one of those times where I wish I can make my ex see what I see. This is one of those times I wish I had the wisdom to make the best decision I can make for my kids, even if it meant giving them up, and the courage to do so. I know lots of moms do this; give up their baby for a better life. I now see their courage and their bravery and I now have a new respect for them. I know that the rest of the world will not understand these situations. I know the world will ask, "how can a mom just give up her child like that?" But like the story above, it is a matter of life and death. Only a real mom will make the sacrifices needed to ensure her child lives. 

God give me wisdom and courage... please!! 

How My Kids Will Turn Out

Last night I was watching the 80’s blockbuster, “Back To The Future” with my kids. It is always a joy to watch Michael J. Fox. It's certainly an entertaining movie and it has some great science lessons in there as well, but the real fun was to imagine myself twenty years from now as well as my own kids. As we were poking fun on how we would look and what the world around us would be like I had a daunting thought: When my kids grow up and turn out just like me, how will I feel about that? Hmmm…This is such a great question to ask as a parent because it makes you look at yourself and the example you are setting. As much as I am an advocate for the latest parenting book and applying the basic concepts of being consistent and involved in your child’s life, it really does come down to the example you are setting for your kids by the kind of life you are living. In other words, I am the main model to my kids on how to handle life. It doesn’t matter if I tell them to be honest if I am not showing them how. If I am consistently dishonest about certain things in my life, then my kids will also be. If they see me get up and work out, they will probably get up and work out themselves (or not). Of course this does not take the place of discipline because discipline still has its part and one should always train a child on the virtues of right and wrong. But what really matters here is what kind of life I am living and the message being sent to my children. After all, don’t I want to give them the necessary skills to be successful? And by successful I mean to be a productive citizen in our community, a person full of joy, integrity and courage. So when I think about the kind of people I want my kids to be, I need to stop and think if I am living that way. Am I a productive citizen in my community? Am I full of joy, integrity and courage?  See, I CANNOT ASK MY CHILDREN TO BE BETTER THAN ME! In other words, it’s the whole “do as I say and not what I do” mentality. I cannot expect my children to be born with the knowledge or will power on how to do what they “ought” to do rather than what they “want” to do, unless I, as their mother, guide them in that direction. Let’s face it even as adults we have a hard time with that concept. In fact it takes a mature person to really live that way… wouldn’t you say? And the only true way to guide anyone to have that kind of direction is to be the example.

As a single parent, it is so easy to fall into this life style of two different lives. One life is where you live while the kids are with you and the other is when they are with the other parent.  For me it was definitely two different lives, one where I lived life more conservatively and the other as if I had no responsibility. The funny thing was, was that my children knew anyway what I was doing even though they were not with me. Kids are not dumb. So essentially I was teaching them that it was okay to get drunk and try and fit in with the crowd. Even though I was trying to teach them to stay away from drugs and be their own person. However, after some heartache and regret, I am fortunate enough to realize my mistakes and have a second chance. I no longer lie to my kids about my “other” life because I don’t have to. I live a consistent life now. How I live with my kids is how live when they are not with me. This has brought so much peace into my home! One way it has is that my kids know for certain who I am and what to expect from me. There are no secrets, no lying and so they are not surprised with anything. This is how I gain their trust. And in gaining their trust, they will more likely listen to me. I think that is what’s meant when the experts say be consistent!  Consistent with my values, my beliefs, my faith and my life! As much as I desire my kids to be a better person than I am right now, it is not going to happen if I don’t try and aim for that kind of person right now! I need to live life with joy, kindness, courage, and much love! I need to live life with honesty, and with an above average work ethic. If I don’t want my kids to complain, then I need to stop! If I don’t want my kids to live a mediocre life then I better get off my complacent butt and start living an amazing life! I need to go after my dreams and show them it is possible. WOW! all that from an 80’s movie. Thanks Spielberg for sending me to the future so I can do what I need to do now in order for my kids to reap the fruit of their own future… 

Learning to Parent Part 2

This weekend was incredibly joyous thanks to the help of warm weather and good friends! Through the new group I have been going to, a lady in that group has just started a photography business and she graciously offered to do a shooting for me and my kids. We took the pictures at the Botanic Gardens and as soon as I get the CD I will post the pictures. I am so thankful for people who are giving and considerate of single family households.

What I want to talk about today, however, is how I learned something valuable. Something that will change the way I parent for the rest of my days. At least that is my hope. Since I have always wanted some outdoor family photos, I was more than anxious to get my kids all dressed up and looking good for the camera. I, myself, put on a little summer dress, and my daughter wore a cute denim skirt with some leggings. I wanted my son to wear a polo shirt but he had something else in mind. He wanted to wear a t-shirt, and not just any t-shirt, he wanted to wear a t-shirt that defies homework and school. Now, being a teacher, its not becoming of your own child wearing stuff like that. If you happen to be chuckling a bit about that irony , you are probably not alone. I do find it quite ludicrous as a matter of fact, but still, I wanted Kevin to wear something nice, something that would make us look beautiful, desirable and well, good! Kevin was happy with just his t-shrit and didn't understand why I was fussing about him changing into something "nicer."

"What, mom? Are you saying I don't look good?" he says annoyingly.

"No, Kevin, I am not saying you dont' look good, I just want you to put on something nicer!"

"Why? What's wrong with what I have on?" I can feel the tension in his speech.

"Nothing... I just want us to put on something nice so I can remember you."

"You mean you can't remember me with what I have on now?" He stares at me with those brown eyes.

I sigh a bit, I think about what he says, and say, "Okay, I get it, and I am sorry. There is nothing wrong with what you are wearing. I want to remember you just the way you are."

And then we went and took our pictures. He was happy, and so was I.

He was right. I was in the wrong. I don't want to remember him looking NOT like himself. The kid rarely wears polo shirts. He is a t-shirt guy, and isn't ashamed of it. Why was I? Thats where I needed some introspection.

The lesson that may change my parenting is this. I need to accept my children for WHO they are. It is not my business to change them into something I want them to be. I need to let my children know that I accept them for WHO they are, dress and all! Does it really matter in the end what clothing they wore or what hairstyle they have? I realized at that moment the message I was giving my son. I was essentially telling him I don't approve of him because I don't approve his choice of clothing. Of course I will never allow attire that offends, but his t-shirt was nothing more than just a t-shirt-- an expression on how he feels about homework and school. Nothing offensive.

I was humbled that day because as I reflected upon my actions and the tension I caused right before the photo shoot, I realized that I was putting my idealistic view of what a family should look like in photos. Perfect. Perfect smiles, perfect clothing, perfect background, just looking happy and perfect. And if finally dawned on me that I have extended my disease of perfectionism unto my children. What a horrible environment to parent in and to be raised in.

From now on I will accept my children for who and what they are. Messy, loud, defiant, crazy, hyper, and sublimely beautiful! From now on my words will display acceptance, not disapproval. My words will edify and build them up, not bring them down or make them feel that they don't measure up. I will teach them gently when they are wrong, and encourage the heck out them!!! Can't wait to post the pictures for you to see! They are exquisite!

Being True to Myself

The last few weeks have been quite pleasing in a small intrinsic way. For the first time in my life I am truly on my own. Even though I have been divorced for two years now, I have always had a relationship with someone. But now that I finally broke it off with E, I am fully and completely on my own. Although I find this time to be stressful due to financial limitations... thanks to my humble teaching salary... I am finding that being true to myself is really where true joy comes from. Yes, it is lonely and scary to be on my own, and trying to live life the way society thinks I should is conforming and oppressing. I am now convinced that my life is made to love God and honor him. No matter how lonely and how scary it is to be on my own, I know that God is there and that His love is what will heal me and make me whole and complete. I have hidden this part of myself because of fear of persecution and how I didn't want to be identified with other so called "Christians" who were anything but. But with everything I have been through, the epiphany that has come to me is that being true to myself is to be true to God. The only way I will be truly happy is to follow my heart and my heart says to listen to God's guidance for my life.

Because of my situation and wanting to be the best mom I can be, I realized that God, who is my heavenly father, not some unknown spirit who is critical and judgmental, but my daddy, truly and genuinely cares about me and my life! This is a big deal for me. I don't have much of a dad, and that may be why I choose the kind of men I do as partners and why I have such a need to be loved and adored. I know my dad loves me, but you have to understand him and the whole situation of our relationship to appreciate why I don't have much of a dad. Love after all, is more than a feeling. Anyway, I have been so unhappy with my life lately, thinking that there was something fundamentally wrong with me and that was why I would never have a fulfilling life. But these last few weeks I have been slowly surrendering my life over to God, giving him control of the outcomes. After all, I have been doing a crappy job with my life anyway so what do I have to loose in giving Him my life? So in thinking I had it all figured out, I am ashamed to admit how selfish and inconsiderate I was. Instead of being there for my kids, I was too busy trying to please these men I was dating. I was busy with school and teaching. But it was for them! No, it was all for me! Sure going back to school and becoming a teacher was a great decision, but dating and bringing in another man into their lives, was not! If I could give advice to newly divorced women with children... don't date right away. Wait until you are emotionally stable and when your kids are used to the idea of you not being with their daddy any more. That may take a while, but in the end it will be worth the wait. There are too many issues to deal with while going through a divorce that dating is just not viable. It doesn't make sense to start a relationship when there is too much to deal with, and with small children, they need you! They need you to comfort them, to be strong for them, to provide for them, and to assure them that this whole darn mess was not their fault! If I could do it over, I would not date! I would spend my time raising my kids right, and loving them.

Dating not only complicates the family dynamics with the children, but it also delays the grieving period of the losses that come with divorce. A person who needs to grieve should not date! It is not fair to the other person. How can you bring your whole self into a relationship if you haven't grieved your losses? Its just not fair to the other person. I can thank E for this piece of wisdom. Since he was a widower, I realized he wasn't ready to date either because he was still grieving. Dating him helped me realize that I too needed to grieve and do what was right for my children. There is a saying that everyone we meet is a teacher of some sort. In my life this is true, only because I do look to see what others can teach me. Even in a bad situation, there is so much to learn! So I have decided to leave dating alone and truly grieve ALL of my losses. Not just from the divorce, but through childhood as well.

This is why I have chosen to give my life over to God. There is no possible way I can grieve all of this and still have some sort of decency and love left. I have made so many mistakes that I need a God who will not only understand and forgive me, but one who will give me another chance. The God I am getting to know and the God who has been pursuing me, is showing me that I am worth all the love in the world and that He will guide me when it comes to taking care of my two precious angels. This God is telling me that I do have another chance, that not all is lost. For me, that is all I need for right now. To know that I am not alone after all. That I am loved, in the most perfect and true way! No more trying to fit in and find love in the wrong way! I know that not everyone will understand my ways or why I choose to live differently, but that's none of my business. I have to be true to myself; so that I may gain some self-respect, self-esteem, but mostly to set a good example for my kids. I don't want them settling or thinking life is about "fitting in" or fulfilling selfish desires.

I am more than excited to see how God is going to bless me now that I have decided to give him the reigns of my life and family. I cannot wait to share it with you all. I know that some days will be harder than others, and the journey of healing is not always an easy one, but I know its the right one for me!

Learning to Parent... Part 1

Perhaps venting has its place and its good for the soul to let the tears come. I know that I need to wake up and taste, breathe and face the big picture. I should be grateful for everything in my life. And I do mean everything. I have a paying job and a nice place to live. I have healthy children who love me and with whom I am building healthy relationships with. So what if I can't afford a lot of stuff and do a lot of fancy things, but in reality this financial "crisis" has been teaching me a lot about responsibility and forcing us to spend more quality time as a family together.

This morning I took the kids to the community center and Stacy played basketball with the boys. I could see her confidence shine and it was good to get her up and going instead of playing computer games. While she played basketball I ran on the treadmill, 2 miles, and Kevin practiced his pool shooting. When I was done with running I joined Kevin. It was at this time I thought I would bring up some serious issues we were having with his behavior.

Last night E, the online match guy, took us to his friends house for a dinner party. I was very nervous for Kevin because he has been acting out a lot. Read my post "Love Conquers All." I know I have been working on him a bit, but I was a bit of a nervous wreck because I know we have a long journey ahead. Needless to say, Kevin did alright. He is making progress, as he didn't really blow up or cause a huge scene. My boyfriend on the other hand feels differently. Apparently Kevin called him retarded because my boyfriend was teasing him, was acting a bit "aggressive" with the other boy that was there, and didn't like the way he talked to him on the ride home. Now I am NOT going to pick sides here, and I am certainly not going to choose one over the other. I don't believe that I should have to choose one over the other, but if I had to, my son would win. I have my reasons for this, but thats another post for another time. Anyway, I was told by my boyfriend that I am not hard enough on Kevin and that is why Kevin is the way he is. Point taken! I don't deny it a bit. I know that I need to be harder on him. I know that I need to be more consistent. I know that! But what was heart breaking is that there was no real support from my bf. It was a matter of me being harder on him or we won't be together anymore. I understand completely. I wouldn't want to be around a ruley kid either. But what isn't being understood, is that this is not something I can do over night. This is not some easy task that can just take place and then magically Kevin is well behaved. And let me also mention that Kevin's behavior is beyond setting limits. I truly believe there is a mental, emotional deficiency of some sort. I really do. I do have Kevin in therapy and I am also in therapy and starting a new parenting class. What my boyfriend is not seeing is that I am working on this. And that doesn't seem to matter to him. The only thing that matters are HIS feelings. He doesn't know how difficult it is to raise a child since he does not have one of his own. Those of us with children know how difficult it is to raise a kid in a functional home of two responsible parents, so imagine the more difficulty when doing it solo in a home that was dysfunctional. Does my boyfriend see how I cry at night for him, how I read and study literature about his behavior, how I try every trick in the book, ie., marbles in a jar, tally mark charts, schedule charts, spankings, grounding etc, to get him to behave? Does he see how hard I work EVERYDAY to provide a home, food, clothing and a little fun for him? Does he see that I am working TWO jobs for that! Does he see that I do in fact put my foot down when I do see necessary, but sometimes I am just too tired to do something like protect my boyfriends feelings? Does he see how MUCH I love that kid and how I would sacrifice for him... even our relationship? No, he does not see all of this because he is too busy taking care of his own feelings. Needed to vent that!

Anyway, I know Kevin needs a good wake up call too sometimes, so after the community center I took the kids to the park and I sat them down at a picnic table and talked to them. I held a family meeting and told them that things were going to be different. No more letting things slide, no more disrespecting each other, no more "bad" talk period. The talk was a little heated, as Kevin leans towards arguing and manipulating, much like an adult would, but I held my ground. The meeting lasted about an hour, and I have to say it was quite intense and emotional. I think I might have gotten through to him because he apologized and said he would work on his behavior. He literally ran to me put his arms around me, squeezed me and said he was sorry. In the mean time, I am shaping up and giving out the consequences he needs. I know I am not a perfect mom, and I know that Kevin is not perfect either, but we love each other and we are learning from each other. I am learning to be assertive, and he is learning how to be more self-controlled... at least that's the goal. And I know this goal will be attainable and I do believe that we will go beyond it because of faith, love and patience!

Love Conquers All!

I don't even know how to begin with so much to say when so much has happened. I suppose it all starts somewhere so let me begin with giving you some background about my son, K. He has always been a tough little boy; defiant, strong willed, negative and yet full of joy. Now don't get me wrong, K is a great boy, but he's been through a lot and I think he is just confused. See, K really doesn't have the best male role model in his life, as his dad is a passive aggressive person. I divorced him because of some abusive behavior that was just beginning to wear on me and to save what little self-esteem I had I needed to end it. It wasn't easy. I know I've mentioned before in this blog how I had to get a restraining order in order to get free from him. Well, it was a long process in deed. As much as I like to tell this story in more detail I will save you some time and get to what I really want to write about.

K, has watched, observed and absorbed his dad's behavior. K's dad is not only passive aggressive but extremely negative and suffers from very low self-esteem. K's dad was also diagnosed with a rage disorder along with depression and anxiety! Not a good mix. So K had to watch his dad shout out abusive language to the world, to his family members and to himself. K also had to endure the affects of poor discipline and family structure. No matter what I did to discipline K, his dad always over rode it and made me the bad guy! I am not saying that I am perfect or that I didn't play a part in all this mess, because I am not happy with what I have done too to contribute to K's defiant behavior.

For one, I was a doormat, I allowed myself to be abused and to let my children watch it. I thought that staying in this relationship would somehow benefit my children since, God forbid, I raise them in a broken home! After all, wasn't it a bigger sin to divorce then to endure pure misery? I was living like a martyr, after all, I mean look what I was putting up with in order to raise my children right! Boy, was I delusional! To explain how I finally woke up and realized the errors of my thinking and to finally stand up for myself is for another post at another time. Right now, I want to talk to about K.

Again, K was always a strong willed baby. Stubborn and defiant. The church I was attending at the time did offer some great parenting classes, but it failed on how to deal with what I was dealing with with K. For one, K tends to go off on the deep end when he is really angry... just like his dad. I know it sounds like I am blaming my ex for K's behavior, but please realize that I am trying to give some background here.

See, just a couple of weeks ago during our family Christmas party, K was angry at me and angry at the family. So he decided to act out and when I tried to discipline him, he cursed awful things to me and then slapped me. Now, this isn't the first time K has hit me. He has hit me a few times. But this one time, I just had enough. I realized that there was something wrong. I wasn't really that concerned about the hitting, as I was about what was being said. So much of what he was saying echoed that of his dad. "Nobody loves me... my life sucks.... I want to die....etc..." I honestly don't know what to do about this.

I have K in counseling, and I am taking a parenting class. I give out consequences when necessary and I try and influence positive reinforcements. Nothing seems to be working! Why? I just had to pick him up from my best friends house because he was cursing and yelling at her kids. I was embarrassed, disappointed, and discouraged! And discouragement is not something you want to possess. At least not for me, because discouragement is the beginning of hopelessness and with hopelessness comes death!

But despite those initial feelings, I will NEVER give up on him! I know that deep in my heart, if I keep working with him, and loving him, and influencing him, he too will awaken and change his ways. I know I can't control him or coerce him into good behavior, but I refuse to give up on him.

When I brought him home, I gave him his sleeping aid (he has a sleeping disorder), and had him get ready for bed. I didn't say one word to him. I wanted to yell and spank him for his behavior, I mean when is enough enough? But I knew that yelling and giving of corporate punishment wasn't going to solve anything. So when I was calm I came into his room and lied down next to him. I asked him, "What's going on? " He didn't say anything. So I began to explain to him why I was so disappointed. I explained the best way I know for a nine-year-old could understand just how damaging his behavior was. He then proceeded to explain to me that he doesn't mean to be that way, and he just feels that nobody likes him. He went on to tell me that he feels alone and different. He knows its wrong to act that way, which gave me a sigh of relief, but just didn't know what else to do when he gets angry. I listened, and I nodded, and I listened some more. I began to realize that K does need more support in the area of tough love. He really needs to know that he is loved.

But isn't that true for all us? Don't we want to know that we are loved? I mean I can't think of any other worse possible feeling in the world, then to feel unloved. I suppose this is why the younger years are so important, because this is where the parents are to show love to their children so that they know they are lovable. And if a child feels lovable, then they know how to receive and give love. K's acting out is simply a cry for help, and a cry to be loved. Yes, he was loved for nine-years, but with all that abusive crap in the marriage, it wasn't easily displayed.

What I am realizing in my later years, is that love is not a feeling. Love is action. For example, an alcoholic parent sitting at the bar spending all their earnings on their drunkenness can feel love for their children and even proclaim their love to all who can hear, but yet neglect them for their booze, is NOT love!

I was too busy allowing abusive behavior in my home and worrying about trivial matters that I neglected K. This is not easy to admit, or write about. But I have come along way since then, and with all of the help I have received, (paid for) I know very well that change first begins with admitting and acceptance.

This is going to be a long rough road ahead. For one, I am doing it alone. Sure I have some support from my family and friends, but its not the same as when you have that kind of support only a mate can offer. My biggest prayer right now, is that K will have a positive male role model in his life. A friend, a mentor that can show him what it means to be a man. Unfortunately, K is not easy to deal with so not a lot of men are willing to step up and take the role. Especially the men I date. The guy I am currently seeing is more reluctant than my ex-boyfriend was. (SIGH) I think its about time I just give up on the dating scene and just concentrate on my own life with my children. As much as I would love to have a soul mate in my life, it isn't worth it to give up my fight for my son. I just don't have the time. And as much as I would love to have this guy support me and K through all this, I think that is just wishful thinking. Its going to take someone very special to be able to give me and K what we need. I am thankful for my best friends husband who was able to take a stand and discipline K tonight, but he isn't around all the time for him, and that is what he needs.

But I am not afraid, and I am not weary! Even though I am alone in this, I know that I am not. I have a Higher Power that will provide everything I need to see that we make it. I am more than confident we will, because LOVE CONQUERS ALL!

First Day of School

I know this is a bit late, but better late than never. This is a fuzzy picture of Kevin's first day of Kindergarten and Stacy's first day of Third grade. I was so nervous for him. He was riding the bus (to his insistence) instead of me dropping him off. I was so scared that he would get lost or get off the wrong stop, but he managed. Thanks to big sister of course.

First day of Kindergarten is always full of emotion. Most mom's cry and reminisce about their little babies, but in some ways I was excited to see him grow and meet new friends. It was also nice to finally have some me time. Of course I begin to feel a bit old and realizing more and more how fast life passes us by. In some ways big moments like these always make me think about life. This of course was the beginning of my own career journey since volunteering in his class awakened my love for teaching, and being in the classroom. Now I am in my second year teaching, and loving it.

Now Kevin is in the fourth grade and Stacy in the seventh. As mentioned before, time really does go by too fast. It really makes me want to enjoy life and my children a little more each day!

Life's Battles

Life is hard. I think what makes it even harder is wanting to take that statement and battle it out so that it becomes either "life is easy," or "life is manageable." But it's not! Life is hard. Perhaps the secret to enjoying life and getting the most out of it is realizing this simple truth! Life is hard. I don't know why life is so hard. I don't know why it can't be easy, or at least manageable. I suppose if I knew the reasons then I would be able to make life feasible. Isn't it true? The more we try to make our lives easier or manageable the more miserable, out of control and frustrated we become? Well, that seems to be the case with me. Everything is hard, and when I try to make it not hard, I end up disappointed, crushed and frustrated!
I think there is a resonating truth here about my parenting. I think I am too hard on myself because I think I am supposed to be better and perfect. The truth is, is that parenting is hard! In fact, parenting is harder than life! I know I am so far from being a good mom, and there is no question here about how much I love my children. That is not what is being examined or judged here. It's more about my skills as a mother, and they're not so hot! Mostly because I am burdened with so many other challenges, like starting a new career, paying off a tremendous amount of debt and starting a new relationship. More on that later. I have to admit that I get quite envious of those parents who are blessed enough to be able to only concentrate on being a parent and nothing else. Although I speculate that I am in the majority here. So I don't know where this notion that a "good" parent is one who worships their children and is able to give them 100% of their time, money and energy. Perhaps my self-judgement on these matters has more to do with my personal setbacks, and issues than actual reality of how I am raising my kids. In other words, I am basing my parental skills on an ideal rather than what is really best for my kids and myself!

I don't know if I am saying all of this to alleviate some guilt I am having for always hurting my kids! I messed up again this weekend and I am trying to figure out why I have been so irresponsible and selfish! I don't want to get into the details right now, but just know that I did not set a good example. Although I apologized to them and took responsibility for my behavior, it does not take away what I did. Those images they will have forever! And because I know a little about the human race and how we work, we tend to only remember the bad and negative things that happen to us rather than the good. Although my mistakes are not many, at least compared to some I suppose, I can only hope that somehow, by some miracle, my kids will not only remember the bad images of me as their mother but also the good that I have done too. I know I have to do that, or I will think I am the worst mother that has ever existed!!

Anyway, I know I love my kids, but it is time to fight life's battles without believing that I can change the outcome of life. Life is hard, and parenting is harder. I need to choose battles that I know are worth my time and sanity. I need to stop trying to be perfect and stop trying to make my life and the life of my kids easier. Life sucks and I can only do what I am capable of doing.... only God can give me the strength to go beyond that. And God knows he has been... but for some reason I just keep thinking that I can do all of this on my own, and I can't!! Perhaps thats the real lesson here- I cannot rely on my strength alone to achieve anything good... because life is hard, I need God, my higher power, to guide me and give me strength. Only because life is hard!

Thoughts On Special Relationships

I can't believe the weekend is already here! My time with my kids has been wonderful and amazing. My apartment is a total wreck and disaster and I absolutely LOVE it! Being away from my kids has helped me realize that I would rather have a messy apartment and a messy life if it means having fulfilling relationships; especially with my children.

This week we did a lot of homework, Stacy had a science project on a plant cell; she had to create a 3D diagram of one. We used styrofoam. It was fun watching her make it. I bought the materials and allowed her to work on it herself. I assisted as little as possible. I guess I wanted her to take ownership on the project and to feel a sense of accomplishment when she completed it. Kevin is starting to warm up to me a little more and more. Our relationship hasn't been the greatest since the divorce. He blamed me. The poor guy confessed to me that he thought if he stopped loving me I would go back to his dad.... He took the divorce the hardest. So I haven't been the best mother when the divorce first happened, what I mean is is that I felt so guilty about leaving their dad, and then going to back to school full time I didn't get to see them as much, so I spoiled them and allowed them to get away with things. SO its been a tough road to get back on the discipline wagon and build solid relationships with them.... but it's coming a long.

I am now finished with school, I have a steady job and maybe in the future I will have that special someone to share my life with. But my main priority and purpose is to raise my kids in a way that they know they are loved, cared for and that they are special. Because they are!

One final note, it was quite a blast to have an apartment full of kids last night. My daughter had two of her friends spend the night, and my son had a friend spend the night. You have no idea how happy it makes me when I see my children enjoy childhood pleasures like sleepovers with their friends. They had tons of fun and because they did, I did! Life is good.

Craziness and Guilt

It's so wonderful to have my kids back and have the apartment full of their messy clothes, toys, and craziness! I don't realize how lonely I am until they come back to my life. Sure I have some great friends and family, but it's not the same. I feel more complete and I feel like I have more purpose in my life. I have been feeling a bit run down, tired and somewhat sad. I guess it's part of life. That awful, no good guilt just knows when to creep back into my mind. Some days I just can't win the battle. I suppose I need to learn that too... I can't win every time, and sometimes the guilt will win and so I need to accept that fact alone. No need to beat myself up or make myself feel even worse than I do! Tonight, the guilt has won. I feel like shit that my family is a part and I feel like a failure as a mom. That's how I feel, but it doesn't mean it's the truth. Tomorrow is a new day, with a new battle to fight. So I will allow this one defeat tonight and get my strength back and fight again tomorrow. Why? Because I love myself and my kids too much not to. Hmmm maybe guilt isn't the winner after all.

Enjoying Time with the Kids

Today the kids and I ran the Chips and Salsa 5K, a running event for runners, and we had a great time. It was great to see my kids get out of bed early in the morning and get active. Lately its been nothing but computer and video games. My son did so great, he won the whole darn thing! My daughter was helping a younger girl, my friend's daughter, and didn't leave her side. My daughter has such a big heart! I just hope she doesn't abandon herself for the sake of others, a habit that I am learning to break myself. I could see the pride in my son's eyes when he received his medal. I am so happy that he can realize that life offers so much when we get up and move! We had breakfast at Wecks with my friend and her two kids. It was an overall excellent morning.

When we arrived home I started laundry and then took a shower. I then laid down for an hour nap. Then it was time to drop them off for 7 days at their dads.

It gets harder to drop them off each time. I get so used to them being here, and then when I come back home, after dropping them off, the apartment is quiet. I decided to pick up some take out and then start blogging. It feels like a big hole in my heart when the kids are not here with me. I know I need this time for myself and I do enjoy the solitude, as it is a gift in itself, but it seems that a part of me is missing when they are not here.

Well, maybe I can write some lesson plans and clean up the apartment.