My new husband has a very interesting hobby. He likes to dig for gold. He is even a part of a gold association here in town and just the other weekend we went out and tried to find some gold in the Pilar area. If you haven't been there, it is a beautiful mountainous area where the Rio Grande flows. Lots of canyons and fresh air. It is definitely God's country... wild, free, and just breath takingly gorgeous. So while my cowboy digs and digs I enjoy the beauty that surrounds me and the love that I feel deep inside and out. Sometimes I enjoy a good book.
But when the digging is over, I do enjoy the panning part of finding the gold because it fascinates me that there is actually little specs of gold in the dirt. All you need to do is wash out the dirt and poof, you find gold. Well, finding the gold isn't always that easy since it is hiding as little specs rather than big nuggets. Imagaine! Shiny little gold specs in a big pile of dirt. FASCINATING!! I NEVER knew there was gold in the dirt I walked on. Looking at the pile of dirt I would never have guessed that a precious metal lived and hid in the dirt!
And so when I sit there panning the dirt searching for little specs of gold it reminds me of something special. So special that I smile and laugh and just fill with joy when I find the little specs of gold. WHY? Because that something special is me and it is you! Think about it. Don't we all have a little gold in us too? That little spec of precious shiny stuff inside of us, hiding in the dirt. Sometimes we focus so much on the dirt that we don't realize that there is gold in there. Sometimes the dirt seems so heavy and dense that there is no way gold can be hiding in there. Or sometimes we think our dirt is too dirty, so why would something so beautiful, so precious and so valuable be hiding there? Or worse, maybe we know about the gold inside of us but we hide it! We hide it because our specs are not as big as the others. Or we think our shiny precious light is not enough so we pretend we don't have any.
Maybe what is even worse than that, is when we do discover our gold and we share it with other people, but instead of accepting it as a precious gift, they laugh at us! They tell us our gold is too small, or not enough. Or they get scared and tell us to hide it because the world just doesn't want our gold. Or they become angry and jealous because they don't want to discover thier own gold, or compare ours to theirs and find thiers inadequate so they make us feel inadequate. The best solution then is to keep our gold secret and keep showing off our dirt instead. So that others are not threatened or angry with us. How sad but true! Here is why....
When I sit and pan for gold in all that dirt my honey dug from the earth, I am reminded that I do have gold inside of me whether I like it or not. It doesn't matter what I think or what others think, I DO HAVE GOLD INSIDE OF ME hiding in my dirt, in all my ugliness. And that is a beautiful thing! My gold is a shiny spec of joy--It is when I find hope in hopeless situations--It is when I love myself and others-- And it is when I do the right thing and stand for the right purpose regardless of the ridicule I will receive. Sometimes I am afraid to show my gold to the world. I don't think it is big enough or shiny enough. Sometimes I just want to be liked by others that I hide my gold because I don't want to be laughed at or judged.
As I write those words, those truthful and hurtful words, I know how wrong it is to hide my gold from the world. That I am not doing the world an ounce of good by hiding and pretending. But I find my dirt too comfortable. You see, my dirt is my shame. Shame of my past, shame of who I am. And so I can't let my gold shine through because I believe that I am not worthy. You see, the dirt, the shame, is so thick and dense sometimes that I don't see the gold. Sometimes I forget it's there. Even though I smile and do my best to enjoy life, the dirt is there, hiding my gold, my true joy and love. I know my gold is seen by those close to me and who love me dearly, and when I am alone working on myself, I too see it. But to really let the world know about the little specs in all that dirt? I just don't know if I am brave enough yet. All I know is that it is there. It is in you too. And maybe when we summon up the courage to let the world know, maybe the world won't laugh. Maybe the world will say, "Me too!" and then when we encounter one another, we will see the gold that is there, hiding in the dirt, and smile with joy and love, rather than with disgust and judgement. Even if the gold is tiny little specs. We will notice them in others because we know it is in us. And then we can stop the hiding and the pretending and just let our gold shine!
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Thursday, July 24
Thursday, July 17
The Prodigal Son
There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, "Father, give me my share of the estate." So he divided his property between them.
Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything , there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent hime to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
When he came to his senses, he said, "How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!" I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: "Father, I have wronged you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men." So he got up and went to his father.
But while he was still a long way off , his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
The son said to him, "Father, I have wronged you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son."
But the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For his son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost an is found." So they began to celebrate...
What a wonderful story right? Don't you love stories where there is a happy ending. Son goes off and lives "wildly" and then returns home to a dad who not only takes him back, but shows compassion and unconditional love. A story where everything seems to work out perfectly. But when I read this story I read so much more than a happy ending. What I see is a story of pain and loss. I see a story of faith and hope. I see a story of a dad whose wisdom and patience is so counter culture that it really makes me think of my own situtation with my younger son.
When the younger son asks for his inheritance there is no questions asked, no judgement of how greedy the son is being. The dad divides his property and gives his son's their share. I know I am sepculating here, but maybe the dad saw that his son was in some sort of need, or maybe it was just time to allow his son's to grow up and take over their own lives. Whatever the reason, it amazes me how the dad handles this situation of giving his son's what they may or may not have deserved. As a dad it was in his best interest to provide for his son's and to be there for their requests.
When the younger son leaves and starts to spend his wealth on "wild living," I am taken back to what the dad must have felt. Was he angry he left? Was he disappointed that his son was "living wildly?" Was he scared his son would never come back? Was he worried his son would die in choosing to live so care free and wild? I do not know. All I know is that I would be feeling all those emotions if my son left and lived "wildly." I would try to control him and help him. I would plea and beg him not to live so crazy. I would lecture and ground him. I would probably look at him in disgust and wonder how he could be so selfish, so greedy and so dumb!! I would be angry at him for spending all I worked for. There would be NO WAY IN HELL I would accept him back. Right??
But why? Why does the son want to come back? Why does he think of his dad when he is in need? And isn't that typical? You know what I mean, those people who only seem to call when they are in need? Don't we all have someone in our life who seems to be that way? And are we not irritated by their request and feel used by them? Don't we demand that they grow up and learn how to fend for themselves? Of course we do! But what the dad does here in this story is so graceful, so compassionate, I want to call him a pushover and an enabler. But when I really think about it, that's not what is really going on is it?
After the pain and loss of loosing his son to wild living, it appears to me that the dad doesn't really give a squat about the money the son spent. In fact the dad seems to have been doing fine considering he still had servants and land. So the dad was not angry at all about the money, but I do speculate he was hurting that his son left and was living life counter to how he was raised. I suspect there was pain and loss here because I too understand the pain and loss when your child decideds to live life defiantly and become out of control. As a parent you want to take control of the situation and make everything okay. As a mom I want to hold my baby and protect him from the world. But we all know that is just naive and unrealistic. The truth is that we all have to let our babies go when they say they want to go and live their own life. Even if that means squandering their resources on wild living? Hmmmm, I am not so sure....
As a parent you don't want to see your children suffer. You don't want to see them make poor choices that will effect them for the rest of their life. See, I did not like this dad at all. I did not like that he allowed his son to go off and live life "wildly" and then take him back so lovingly, because it made me feel that I was doing everything wrong in my own situation with my son. Not only that, but this story seemed so out of touch with reality. I mean, didn't it seem more like a fairy tale ending than anything else? I have heard of stories like this before but the son did not come to his senses. The son did not return. I have heard of stories ending with the son commiting suicide, whether intentional or not, of the son spending time in prison, of the son who continues to steal, lie and live wildly...stories ending with him NEVER coming to his senses and returning home! So again, I ask why? Why did this son come to his senses and was able to feel comfortable enough to come home?
Could it be because of his dad? Because his dad NEVER judged him, NEVER questioned him, NEVER looked at him with disgust. Was it because his dad was so caring and loving that he knew his dad would always be there NO MATTER WHAT? And what about the idea of the dad just letting his son go with no guilt or chasing after him? The dad just waiting... hoping.... praying... that he would in fact come home. The dad must have had A LOT of faith. Faith that his son would come to his senses. Faith that everything would turn out okay. Even if there were times when it seemed so hopeless, he continued to hope, dream and live in faith that everything would be okay... even if that meant life with a broken heart, but somehow he would still be okay.
How do I know he lived this way? Did you read that part of the story? The part when it says, "But while he (the son) was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." I can infer that the dad was looking for his son everyday because it was when the son was still a long way off that he noticed him. Everyday, the father looking at the empty space of land, watching and praying that he would see his son return. The father missing him. The father hoping he was okay. The father living life in faith regardless of how many people told him to give up. To let his son go. That his son was a menace and there was no hope for him. Everyday searching the empty land. He knew that the odds were against them. He knew most stories ended tragedly, but he kept on holding on to hope. He kept loving and praying for his son.
Oh the joy when that day arrived!! That day when he saw a long way off, a familiar face. A face full of regret, pain and suffering, but that old familiar face he still recognized none the less, and so he filled his heart with compassion! No anger. No hurt. No judgement or disgust. Only compassion. So he ran. He ran like he never ran before. His heart whole once more. His faith becomes reality.No words spoken, only threw his arms around him and kissed him!! All that was left to be done was celebrate the return of a lost child.
There are no guarntees in this life. If only there were. So we live by faith or we choose to live with negativty and resentments. There is no guarantee that my son will someday come to his senses and become the man he was destined to become. There is no guarantee that I will be around when that day comes. But let it be known that I too choose to live in faith that he will in fact, one day, come to his senses and stop living life so miserably. And if that day never comes, let it be known, that like the father in the story, I will always love him and I will always be his mother. Everyday searching the empty space of land, watching, waiting, praying and hoping....
Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything , there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent hime to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
When he came to his senses, he said, "How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!" I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: "Father, I have wronged you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men." So he got up and went to his father.
But while he was still a long way off , his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
The son said to him, "Father, I have wronged you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son."
But the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For his son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost an is found." So they began to celebrate...
What a wonderful story right? Don't you love stories where there is a happy ending. Son goes off and lives "wildly" and then returns home to a dad who not only takes him back, but shows compassion and unconditional love. A story where everything seems to work out perfectly. But when I read this story I read so much more than a happy ending. What I see is a story of pain and loss. I see a story of faith and hope. I see a story of a dad whose wisdom and patience is so counter culture that it really makes me think of my own situtation with my younger son.
When the younger son asks for his inheritance there is no questions asked, no judgement of how greedy the son is being. The dad divides his property and gives his son's their share. I know I am sepculating here, but maybe the dad saw that his son was in some sort of need, or maybe it was just time to allow his son's to grow up and take over their own lives. Whatever the reason, it amazes me how the dad handles this situation of giving his son's what they may or may not have deserved. As a dad it was in his best interest to provide for his son's and to be there for their requests.
When the younger son leaves and starts to spend his wealth on "wild living," I am taken back to what the dad must have felt. Was he angry he left? Was he disappointed that his son was "living wildly?" Was he scared his son would never come back? Was he worried his son would die in choosing to live so care free and wild? I do not know. All I know is that I would be feeling all those emotions if my son left and lived "wildly." I would try to control him and help him. I would plea and beg him not to live so crazy. I would lecture and ground him. I would probably look at him in disgust and wonder how he could be so selfish, so greedy and so dumb!! I would be angry at him for spending all I worked for. There would be NO WAY IN HELL I would accept him back. Right??
But why? Why does the son want to come back? Why does he think of his dad when he is in need? And isn't that typical? You know what I mean, those people who only seem to call when they are in need? Don't we all have someone in our life who seems to be that way? And are we not irritated by their request and feel used by them? Don't we demand that they grow up and learn how to fend for themselves? Of course we do! But what the dad does here in this story is so graceful, so compassionate, I want to call him a pushover and an enabler. But when I really think about it, that's not what is really going on is it?
After the pain and loss of loosing his son to wild living, it appears to me that the dad doesn't really give a squat about the money the son spent. In fact the dad seems to have been doing fine considering he still had servants and land. So the dad was not angry at all about the money, but I do speculate he was hurting that his son left and was living life counter to how he was raised. I suspect there was pain and loss here because I too understand the pain and loss when your child decideds to live life defiantly and become out of control. As a parent you want to take control of the situation and make everything okay. As a mom I want to hold my baby and protect him from the world. But we all know that is just naive and unrealistic. The truth is that we all have to let our babies go when they say they want to go and live their own life. Even if that means squandering their resources on wild living? Hmmmm, I am not so sure....
As a parent you don't want to see your children suffer. You don't want to see them make poor choices that will effect them for the rest of their life. See, I did not like this dad at all. I did not like that he allowed his son to go off and live life "wildly" and then take him back so lovingly, because it made me feel that I was doing everything wrong in my own situation with my son. Not only that, but this story seemed so out of touch with reality. I mean, didn't it seem more like a fairy tale ending than anything else? I have heard of stories like this before but the son did not come to his senses. The son did not return. I have heard of stories ending with the son commiting suicide, whether intentional or not, of the son spending time in prison, of the son who continues to steal, lie and live wildly...stories ending with him NEVER coming to his senses and returning home! So again, I ask why? Why did this son come to his senses and was able to feel comfortable enough to come home?
Could it be because of his dad? Because his dad NEVER judged him, NEVER questioned him, NEVER looked at him with disgust. Was it because his dad was so caring and loving that he knew his dad would always be there NO MATTER WHAT? And what about the idea of the dad just letting his son go with no guilt or chasing after him? The dad just waiting... hoping.... praying... that he would in fact come home. The dad must have had A LOT of faith. Faith that his son would come to his senses. Faith that everything would turn out okay. Even if there were times when it seemed so hopeless, he continued to hope, dream and live in faith that everything would be okay... even if that meant life with a broken heart, but somehow he would still be okay.
How do I know he lived this way? Did you read that part of the story? The part when it says, "But while he (the son) was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." I can infer that the dad was looking for his son everyday because it was when the son was still a long way off that he noticed him. Everyday, the father looking at the empty space of land, watching and praying that he would see his son return. The father missing him. The father hoping he was okay. The father living life in faith regardless of how many people told him to give up. To let his son go. That his son was a menace and there was no hope for him. Everyday searching the empty land. He knew that the odds were against them. He knew most stories ended tragedly, but he kept on holding on to hope. He kept loving and praying for his son.
Oh the joy when that day arrived!! That day when he saw a long way off, a familiar face. A face full of regret, pain and suffering, but that old familiar face he still recognized none the less, and so he filled his heart with compassion! No anger. No hurt. No judgement or disgust. Only compassion. So he ran. He ran like he never ran before. His heart whole once more. His faith becomes reality.No words spoken, only threw his arms around him and kissed him!! All that was left to be done was celebrate the return of a lost child.
There are no guarntees in this life. If only there were. So we live by faith or we choose to live with negativty and resentments. There is no guarantee that my son will someday come to his senses and become the man he was destined to become. There is no guarantee that I will be around when that day comes. But let it be known that I too choose to live in faith that he will in fact, one day, come to his senses and stop living life so miserably. And if that day never comes, let it be known, that like the father in the story, I will always love him and I will always be his mother. Everyday searching the empty space of land, watching, waiting, praying and hoping....
Thursday, June 12
Marriage, Fantasies and Homosexuality
Everyday life can seem so ordinary, dull and uninviting at times. Routines can get mudane and unexciting. Maybe that's why we seek the dramatic exploits of fantasy. If only we could be flithy rich and famous, or maybe some sort of inventor of some kind. Perhaps an explorer of new lands or outerspace! Oh why can't I look like Angelina Jolie and have such a rich, exciting life? Oh why can't I be like James Bond, fighting the bad guy and with a new hot chick whenever I wanted? And on and on it goes...
Constantly comparing our ordinary lives with that of fantasy. No wonder we are so unsatisfied. No wonder we end up seeking the wind.
But I wonder what would happen if we decided to answer the call of adventure that knocks at our door everyday? Everyday adventure is waiting. Everyday adventure asks to come in. But instead of inviting this precious jewel into our lives, we leave it at our door step and seek that which destroys real adventure. We seek fantasy.
Let's take a close look at a married couple. Let's say they have been married for about five years. After a year of dating, and getting to know one another, they fell deeply in love. They couldn't wait to see each other. They wrote love letters, or poems to one another. They texted late at night, talked through out the day and they always made each other laugh. They put the needs of the other ahead of themselves and their love was growing and thriving. So they married and had a beautiful ceremony. Their first year of marriage was just like their first dating year. But as life continued to happen there seemed to be less time for those love letters and laughter became a little less. Children entered the scene and they took a lot of attention away from each other. The wife gained a few pounds after the babies, and started to show signs of aging. Husband was working hard providing for the family and started to spend more time at the "office." Not to mention the new intern was young and attractive. She laughed at all his jokes and showed genuine interest in his life. So husband began to fantasize what it would be like to be with this intern. He started to flirt with her, and she started to flirt back. Soon they began to spend more time alone together and what he once had with his wife, is now there with this young intern. So he grows more distant with his wife. That new sense of adventure is no longer there at home. It is now with living out the fantasy of this new ideal of love and romance with the young and naive intern.
Wife is frustrated and tired. She doesn't feel attractive and notices the distance from her husband. She starts drinking a little more. She begins to feel like a martyr and fantasize about what her life could have been like if she hadn't married such a jerk. She starts to work out more and begins her own career path that she dreamed of before she fell in love and had a family, so she spends less time with the kids. The kids are trying to figure out how to treck this new terrain called life, but with no guidance from mom and dad, since they are busy fulfilling their emptiness with fantasy dreams, they are guided by peers, society and media. And since mom and dad fight so much, the kids are left with a skew view about relationships and real life.
A few years later, after husband's affairs, and wife's affairs with her own fantasies, they divorced. The kids now in the middle of custody issues, they find themselves worse off. Husband is always dissatisfied and seeking the wind. Wife constantly driven by the same wind.
This story, although fictional, is true. Our divorce rate right now is close to 60%! That means a couple has less than 50% chance of making it til death do them part. The average length of a marriage is about 6 to 7 years. Althought it is not uncommon to hear about a marriage falling apart after 20 some years. And re-marriage is worse. There is an 80% divorce rate for second and third marriages!
Why????
Well, I suppose for lots of reasons. Affairs, finances, lying, secrets, drug addictions, abuse and violence. Oh yeah, and the ever so irreconcilable differences! Which is to say, "I love you but I am not IN love with you anymore." Or we could say, "I just hate looking at your stupid face everyday, and I just HATE the way you brush your teeth, do you have to make that annoying noise!"
I am not a relationship expert, nor is my expertise in marriage and divorce, I am just a middle school teacher. But having gone through two divorces and now in my third marriage, I have been around the block and read a few things that make me want to fight this battle. I want the world to know there is a HUGE problem here that effects us all. In fact I am tired of our society accepting the statistics as something to be tolerated and as status quo, but rather as something that should be done to protect marriage. Why? Why should we do something about our divorce rate and save marriages? Because if we don't, then our society will cease to exist. Our communities will become extinct. Dramatic you say? Well, just look around at the 75 school shootings lately. Look at the human trafficking going on in our own back yards. Children sold into sex slavery. How many children do we see become addicted to drugs and bullying? Teen pregnancy is romanticized and so are having affairs. Destroying lives and relationships. Our communities are at threat! Slowly dissipitating...
We live in a society that no longer respects marriage. "Just because there is a goalie at the goal doesn't mean you can't score." "I am married, not dead. I can still look and have a little fun!" I have heard countless stories of married women hitting on men and being single myself for a few years, I have had married men hit on me. I have dated a man who was addicted to porn and felt no wrong in participating in strip joints. I have heard of a story of a married woman wanting to pursue a career in exotic dancing, only to end her marriage in divorce. I have one friend who refuses to marry because she doesn't trust men. She was a pole dancer and took off her clothes for money. Her number one clients were married men. I wouldn't want to marry either if that was my perception of married men.
And what about keeping up with the Jones's? You know, materialism and debt? How career and having expensive houses, clothing, cars, and exotic trips seem more important than just keeping it simple and spending quality time with your spouse and children. Number one reason for divorce is finances.
I could go on and on about the stories of failed marriages and how they came to fail, but I think you know them. You know these stories because they are your neighbors, your brothers, your co-workers, and your parents. It is a rare occasion when you hear about a couple celebrating 40 to 50 years of marriage. And those celebrations will be less and less. I will be lucky to celebrate 50 years with my cowboy unless we live to be 90 years old. When I first married I was too young and naive to understand what kind of committment I was making. I knew there was an out, so I went ahead with it. My second time around I wasn't prepared for the battles that came my way. Although I knew the man I was marrying was abusive, I thought marriage would change him. I thought I could change him. I wasn't ready. I didn't know who I was and what my purpose was. I had two kids that needed a mom and dad and I thought I was doing what was right for them.
See, I believe that as a society we don't really understand what marriage is and why it is so important. Instead our society places an importance on romance and sex. Two things that are important in marriage of course, but they are not all that make up a good quality marriage. But what is also causing such big problems in our marriages is this false idea of adventure. For our entertainment purposes, Hollywood does a fantastic job on making our ordinary lives seem dull and unimportant. Our media is shaping our thinking in believing that marriage is for suckers and real living is about living out our sexual fantasies and pursuing riches. Our media is changing the way we look at women. Women are to be nice, sweet, and beautiful. Beautiful as in skinny with fake boobs and a tight body. Men believing that sexy is a Victoria Secret model. ALL fantasy. So our ordinary bodies, with our ordinary lives seem so ugly and unsatisfying, we end up depressed, angry or just full of shame. And since we don't want to admit these truths, we hide them by seeking the fantasy life, or with other behaviors like addictions and self-serve living.
With all that going on, I would venture to say that we are in a battle. A battle that is life or death. We need to start understanding the importance of marriage and family and start respecting the ring on the finger. Why are we so animate about acting like horny 16 year olds at all times? Let us grow up a little and start enjoying the lives God gave us. Let us start killing the fantasies with our so called ordinary lives and invite the grand adventure of everyday life. What is wrong with kissing the same woman every morning as she gradually changes more and more into a mature woman? What is wrong with raising kids to be decent human beings and feeding their curiosity about the world with positive affirmations and life lessons? What is wrong with facing and admitting our problems and finding ways to work through them rather than running away or hiding? What is wrong with telling the truth with love instead of keeping secrets and lying? What is wrong with living life simply and giving back what has been generously given to us? Why must we take, take, take? Married people are not free for us to take. They are to be encouraged to love their spouse and children. We need a society who can shape our culture into what is real and important. We need to fight for our marriages and our family. Our time and place is NOW and HERE. If there is ever a great adventure to puruse, a great cause to feel excited about, let us pioneer this unkown territory!
Oh and one more thing. For those of you who believe that same-sex marriage is a threat to marriage, you are fighting the wrong battle. I know your beliefs are strong in that homosexuality is a sin and therefore they shouldn't be allowed to enter such a sacred and holy entity as marriage. But the last time I checked we still allow other sinners to enter such a blessed covenant. We allow adulterers, liars, greedy people, and divorced people to marry. Some of these sinners are also a type of sexual sin. So unless you are going to protest and ban marriage from these people too, then you are simply being discriminatory and unjust. If you really feel the need to fight for marriage then fight for marriages to have more substance and quality. Start protesting against the evils that really threaten marriage. Homosexuals who want to marry do NOT lessen or threaten my marriage. In fact it is the husband who flirts with his co-worker, or the single co-worker who flirts with her married colleague; it is the wife who keeps secrets and lies to her husband about how much money she spent the other day; it is the husband who secretly looks at the Victoria Secret magazine longing for his wife to look like that, or fantasizing about having sex with the model; it is the wife who doesn't appreciate her husband and makes him feel like dirt that threaten marriage. Maybe instead of looking at the homosexual community as a threat, you can look at them as an opportunity to grow and learn. Perhaps we have a lot to learn from them. After all, they see marriage as something to fight for. Something to embrace and enjoy. A community who, maybe, understands the adventure and excitement that marriage has to offer, that they are willing to fight this battle. Friends, take a look at your own marriages. Just becuase you are married to the opposite sex does not mean you have it right. You’ll do far more good in the defense of the sanctity of marriage by writing a love note to your spouse than you ever could by updating your Facebook status with impassioned, scripture-infused messages in an attempt to put your morals on display. Stop with the madness and start with the love.
Constantly comparing our ordinary lives with that of fantasy. No wonder we are so unsatisfied. No wonder we end up seeking the wind.
But I wonder what would happen if we decided to answer the call of adventure that knocks at our door everyday? Everyday adventure is waiting. Everyday adventure asks to come in. But instead of inviting this precious jewel into our lives, we leave it at our door step and seek that which destroys real adventure. We seek fantasy.
Let's take a close look at a married couple. Let's say they have been married for about five years. After a year of dating, and getting to know one another, they fell deeply in love. They couldn't wait to see each other. They wrote love letters, or poems to one another. They texted late at night, talked through out the day and they always made each other laugh. They put the needs of the other ahead of themselves and their love was growing and thriving. So they married and had a beautiful ceremony. Their first year of marriage was just like their first dating year. But as life continued to happen there seemed to be less time for those love letters and laughter became a little less. Children entered the scene and they took a lot of attention away from each other. The wife gained a few pounds after the babies, and started to show signs of aging. Husband was working hard providing for the family and started to spend more time at the "office." Not to mention the new intern was young and attractive. She laughed at all his jokes and showed genuine interest in his life. So husband began to fantasize what it would be like to be with this intern. He started to flirt with her, and she started to flirt back. Soon they began to spend more time alone together and what he once had with his wife, is now there with this young intern. So he grows more distant with his wife. That new sense of adventure is no longer there at home. It is now with living out the fantasy of this new ideal of love and romance with the young and naive intern.
Wife is frustrated and tired. She doesn't feel attractive and notices the distance from her husband. She starts drinking a little more. She begins to feel like a martyr and fantasize about what her life could have been like if she hadn't married such a jerk. She starts to work out more and begins her own career path that she dreamed of before she fell in love and had a family, so she spends less time with the kids. The kids are trying to figure out how to treck this new terrain called life, but with no guidance from mom and dad, since they are busy fulfilling their emptiness with fantasy dreams, they are guided by peers, society and media. And since mom and dad fight so much, the kids are left with a skew view about relationships and real life.
A few years later, after husband's affairs, and wife's affairs with her own fantasies, they divorced. The kids now in the middle of custody issues, they find themselves worse off. Husband is always dissatisfied and seeking the wind. Wife constantly driven by the same wind.
This story, although fictional, is true. Our divorce rate right now is close to 60%! That means a couple has less than 50% chance of making it til death do them part. The average length of a marriage is about 6 to 7 years. Althought it is not uncommon to hear about a marriage falling apart after 20 some years. And re-marriage is worse. There is an 80% divorce rate for second and third marriages!
Why????
Well, I suppose for lots of reasons. Affairs, finances, lying, secrets, drug addictions, abuse and violence. Oh yeah, and the ever so irreconcilable differences! Which is to say, "I love you but I am not IN love with you anymore." Or we could say, "I just hate looking at your stupid face everyday, and I just HATE the way you brush your teeth, do you have to make that annoying noise!"
I am not a relationship expert, nor is my expertise in marriage and divorce, I am just a middle school teacher. But having gone through two divorces and now in my third marriage, I have been around the block and read a few things that make me want to fight this battle. I want the world to know there is a HUGE problem here that effects us all. In fact I am tired of our society accepting the statistics as something to be tolerated and as status quo, but rather as something that should be done to protect marriage. Why? Why should we do something about our divorce rate and save marriages? Because if we don't, then our society will cease to exist. Our communities will become extinct. Dramatic you say? Well, just look around at the 75 school shootings lately. Look at the human trafficking going on in our own back yards. Children sold into sex slavery. How many children do we see become addicted to drugs and bullying? Teen pregnancy is romanticized and so are having affairs. Destroying lives and relationships. Our communities are at threat! Slowly dissipitating...
We live in a society that no longer respects marriage. "Just because there is a goalie at the goal doesn't mean you can't score." "I am married, not dead. I can still look and have a little fun!" I have heard countless stories of married women hitting on men and being single myself for a few years, I have had married men hit on me. I have dated a man who was addicted to porn and felt no wrong in participating in strip joints. I have heard of a story of a married woman wanting to pursue a career in exotic dancing, only to end her marriage in divorce. I have one friend who refuses to marry because she doesn't trust men. She was a pole dancer and took off her clothes for money. Her number one clients were married men. I wouldn't want to marry either if that was my perception of married men.
And what about keeping up with the Jones's? You know, materialism and debt? How career and having expensive houses, clothing, cars, and exotic trips seem more important than just keeping it simple and spending quality time with your spouse and children. Number one reason for divorce is finances.
I could go on and on about the stories of failed marriages and how they came to fail, but I think you know them. You know these stories because they are your neighbors, your brothers, your co-workers, and your parents. It is a rare occasion when you hear about a couple celebrating 40 to 50 years of marriage. And those celebrations will be less and less. I will be lucky to celebrate 50 years with my cowboy unless we live to be 90 years old. When I first married I was too young and naive to understand what kind of committment I was making. I knew there was an out, so I went ahead with it. My second time around I wasn't prepared for the battles that came my way. Although I knew the man I was marrying was abusive, I thought marriage would change him. I thought I could change him. I wasn't ready. I didn't know who I was and what my purpose was. I had two kids that needed a mom and dad and I thought I was doing what was right for them.
See, I believe that as a society we don't really understand what marriage is and why it is so important. Instead our society places an importance on romance and sex. Two things that are important in marriage of course, but they are not all that make up a good quality marriage. But what is also causing such big problems in our marriages is this false idea of adventure. For our entertainment purposes, Hollywood does a fantastic job on making our ordinary lives seem dull and unimportant. Our media is shaping our thinking in believing that marriage is for suckers and real living is about living out our sexual fantasies and pursuing riches. Our media is changing the way we look at women. Women are to be nice, sweet, and beautiful. Beautiful as in skinny with fake boobs and a tight body. Men believing that sexy is a Victoria Secret model. ALL fantasy. So our ordinary bodies, with our ordinary lives seem so ugly and unsatisfying, we end up depressed, angry or just full of shame. And since we don't want to admit these truths, we hide them by seeking the fantasy life, or with other behaviors like addictions and self-serve living.
With all that going on, I would venture to say that we are in a battle. A battle that is life or death. We need to start understanding the importance of marriage and family and start respecting the ring on the finger. Why are we so animate about acting like horny 16 year olds at all times? Let us grow up a little and start enjoying the lives God gave us. Let us start killing the fantasies with our so called ordinary lives and invite the grand adventure of everyday life. What is wrong with kissing the same woman every morning as she gradually changes more and more into a mature woman? What is wrong with raising kids to be decent human beings and feeding their curiosity about the world with positive affirmations and life lessons? What is wrong with facing and admitting our problems and finding ways to work through them rather than running away or hiding? What is wrong with telling the truth with love instead of keeping secrets and lying? What is wrong with living life simply and giving back what has been generously given to us? Why must we take, take, take? Married people are not free for us to take. They are to be encouraged to love their spouse and children. We need a society who can shape our culture into what is real and important. We need to fight for our marriages and our family. Our time and place is NOW and HERE. If there is ever a great adventure to puruse, a great cause to feel excited about, let us pioneer this unkown territory!
Oh and one more thing. For those of you who believe that same-sex marriage is a threat to marriage, you are fighting the wrong battle. I know your beliefs are strong in that homosexuality is a sin and therefore they shouldn't be allowed to enter such a sacred and holy entity as marriage. But the last time I checked we still allow other sinners to enter such a blessed covenant. We allow adulterers, liars, greedy people, and divorced people to marry. Some of these sinners are also a type of sexual sin. So unless you are going to protest and ban marriage from these people too, then you are simply being discriminatory and unjust. If you really feel the need to fight for marriage then fight for marriages to have more substance and quality. Start protesting against the evils that really threaten marriage. Homosexuals who want to marry do NOT lessen or threaten my marriage. In fact it is the husband who flirts with his co-worker, or the single co-worker who flirts with her married colleague; it is the wife who keeps secrets and lies to her husband about how much money she spent the other day; it is the husband who secretly looks at the Victoria Secret magazine longing for his wife to look like that, or fantasizing about having sex with the model; it is the wife who doesn't appreciate her husband and makes him feel like dirt that threaten marriage. Maybe instead of looking at the homosexual community as a threat, you can look at them as an opportunity to grow and learn. Perhaps we have a lot to learn from them. After all, they see marriage as something to fight for. Something to embrace and enjoy. A community who, maybe, understands the adventure and excitement that marriage has to offer, that they are willing to fight this battle. Friends, take a look at your own marriages. Just becuase you are married to the opposite sex does not mean you have it right. You’ll do far more good in the defense of the sanctity of marriage by writing a love note to your spouse than you ever could by updating your Facebook status with impassioned, scripture-infused messages in an attempt to put your morals on display. Stop with the madness and start with the love.
Friday, April 25
We're Married! We're Having a Baby!
In my brief absence here on my blog I have much to share with you. I am now a married woman and I am expecting my third child in September!
Who would have thought a year ago I would be married and pregnant? Life is interesting like that, and once again she has shown me that she is not done with throwing me unexpected surprises. I couldn't be more happy or more thrilled.
I truly do feel like the luckiest woman in the world. My new husband is amazing and wonderul. Everything a woman would want in a man. Respectful, thoughtful, giving and continues to make me smile and laugh.
Our wedding day is a day I will cherish for the rest of my life and beyond. It was small, short and very sweet. All of my loved ones were there to witness the grand event. My son gave me away, my daughter was a beautiful brides maid, two of my cute little nieces were adorable flower girls, my little sister the maid of honor and Dan's best friend Dan the best man, not to mention that my brother-in-law performed the ceremony. It was funny, heart warming and some tears of joy were shed. Most importanly, our vows were written from our hearts. Vows that expressed our love, our devotion and our promises to one another. The recpetion was held in our house (thanks to wind and cold) and everyone enjoyed themselves. It was a wonderul, exciting day! I do have to say that our new marriage has brought us closer than ever, and I love him now more than ever. I do believe the feeling is mutal on his part! ;)
And now I am going to be a mama again. Four months into the pregnancy and I am feeling really good. No big complaints, like morning sickness. Just feel tired and boy do I have to pee a lot! We have had two ultra sounds already and the baby looks healthy and active! Yay for active baby! We have another ultra sound on May 1st and hopefully we will find out gender. I will keep you posted. So why all the ultra sounds you may ask? Well, according to the medical experts, I am considered high risk due to my age. Yes, apparently 35 is considered advanced maternal age! Oh well, I am not going to complain about the extra tender care and ultra sounds. Dan is super excited and has been taking extra good care of me. Making me breakfast every morning, packing my lunches and sees that I get my rest. He even enjoys talking and making jokes to my belly so the baby can hear. Gotta break the baby in with his hilarious humor right? :o)
Life is good! Even if you have to squint to find the good, it's there. Wishing you all the joy possible!
Who would have thought a year ago I would be married and pregnant? Life is interesting like that, and once again she has shown me that she is not done with throwing me unexpected surprises. I couldn't be more happy or more thrilled.
I truly do feel like the luckiest woman in the world. My new husband is amazing and wonderul. Everything a woman would want in a man. Respectful, thoughtful, giving and continues to make me smile and laugh.
Our wedding day is a day I will cherish for the rest of my life and beyond. It was small, short and very sweet. All of my loved ones were there to witness the grand event. My son gave me away, my daughter was a beautiful brides maid, two of my cute little nieces were adorable flower girls, my little sister the maid of honor and Dan's best friend Dan the best man, not to mention that my brother-in-law performed the ceremony. It was funny, heart warming and some tears of joy were shed. Most importanly, our vows were written from our hearts. Vows that expressed our love, our devotion and our promises to one another. The recpetion was held in our house (thanks to wind and cold) and everyone enjoyed themselves. It was a wonderul, exciting day! I do have to say that our new marriage has brought us closer than ever, and I love him now more than ever. I do believe the feeling is mutal on his part! ;)
And now I am going to be a mama again. Four months into the pregnancy and I am feeling really good. No big complaints, like morning sickness. Just feel tired and boy do I have to pee a lot! We have had two ultra sounds already and the baby looks healthy and active! Yay for active baby! We have another ultra sound on May 1st and hopefully we will find out gender. I will keep you posted. So why all the ultra sounds you may ask? Well, according to the medical experts, I am considered high risk due to my age. Yes, apparently 35 is considered advanced maternal age! Oh well, I am not going to complain about the extra tender care and ultra sounds. Dan is super excited and has been taking extra good care of me. Making me breakfast every morning, packing my lunches and sees that I get my rest. He even enjoys talking and making jokes to my belly so the baby can hear. Gotta break the baby in with his hilarious humor right? :o)
Life is good! Even if you have to squint to find the good, it's there. Wishing you all the joy possible!
Friday, December 6
NO MATTER WHAT
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
LIke any parent in this world, we all want our children to be happy and to be brave. Brave enough to be themselves when the world is telling them to be something different. Something that is "acceptable." For reasons beyond my comprehension our society has placed so many pressures on our children. The pressure to be "successful." And that success is defined by not what it means to create and develop the person we were meant to be, but success that buys more and pleases the masses.
I have been having this conversation with my new found love lately, now that we are going to become a blended family. I have so many concerns and questions and tons of fear on how this new life is going to pan out. I want so much to teach my children to be who they are and to forget the rest. I want them to know that NO MATTER WHAT I have their back. It doesn't matter what they do or how they turn out. I will love them and support them.
But in the real world, this is a bigger battle than I can take on on my own.
The real battle here is not telling and proclaiming the truth of the above quote. To reiterate this idea into their little heads and hearts is not the issue here. The battle I face friends is that I can only fight this battle twice a month. Because I am still dealing with guilt and shame of breaking up the family and agreeing with a 50/50 custody. I have already missed a lot in their life because of this custody arrangement and it makes me feel unworthy. Unworthy as a mom. And when I do get to see my kids, I may in fact overcompensate with discipline, gifts, or lack of discipline. Either way I am not parenting with love and vigor, I am parenting out of fear, guilt and shame.
I know, I know, you thought I was over that already. Well, I don't know if I will EVER get over it. I mean how can I get over the fact that my kids are constantly being transferred every week to a new environment with different rules and different philosophies about life?
I don't think I will get over it, but I can adjust and make the most of it. I mean, after all I am a Warrior, a Fighter, not a complainer or a victim! I know I have been trying to find peace with raising my kids in two different homes. It has been a difficult battle. But now that life seems to be settling down a bit, I can see the light that will lead to the wholeness I have been craving for my children. I know that marrying a new man will bring in new issues and new adjustments for all of us. I know my cowboy will have to make some major changes as well. And with all these changes I want to show my children that NO MATTER WHAT we remain true to who we are. NO MATTER WHAT we have each other's backs. NO MATTER WHAT love always prevails over fear. NO MATTER WHAT!!
Monday, November 18
Loyalty
Read this today and thought I would post this…
"Loyalty is about what happens behind people's backs. Disloyal people act differently depending on who is in the room. Don't trust anyone who displays disloyalty."
There is a lot to say about a loyal person. Someone who has your back NO MATTER WHAT! May I always be a loyal girlfriend (soon wife), mom, teacher and friend! Even when I am tempted, frustrated and tired. Just another pathway to maturity and living with abundance!
Let's be loyal people to those we love! :)
Monday, September 9
Is He Into You? (A story of how we met)
Those of you who have been faithful to my blog know that I have dated a few men in my life and in the process learned a thing or two about what to look for when it comes to the real deal. Dating after divorce and with children involved is tricky, and requires a lot of wisdom and patience. It took a few years for me to realize what I was really looking for and how to know if the guy I was with was the one for me and my children. Even though I had established a "list" of what kind of man I wanted, that list had to go through some major re-adjustments after some break ups and very awkward dates. The list began with what I did NOT want in a man right after my divorce, for obvious reasons. After dating a man for a year and three months and a painful breakup I began to list characteristics of what I wanted. So my list began to look something like this:
Someone who likes me for me and doesn't want to change me
Someone who doesn't take life seriously/who is funny
Someone who is real and authentic/ strong sense of self
Someone who is making a difference in the world
Someone who will enjoy my children and not judge my parenting
Someone who knows how to persevere in hard times
Someone who has a strong sense of family values
Someone who is a partner in providing for us and my family (I do not want to be the sole bread winner)
A partner in crime.
Now that I had the "list" and began to pick up the pieces of my life, I started to date with these characteristics in mind. I am so thankful now that I established this list because it did help me find the man of my dreams! Of course I had kissed a few frogs before he came into my life and even though a few men had "fit" the list did not mean he was the one for me. So I had to make another list. Not a list of characteristics per say, but a way to know if the man I was dating was into me, and not just trying to get something out of me, if you know what I mean. The ultimate question after all is "IS HE INTO YOU?"
The reality is that dating can be a selfish act that can hurt other people and even destroy lives. As melodramatic as that sounds, there is some truth in that! How? My number one rule was NO MARRIED MEN, period. Why? Because there a few people in this world who don't respect the ring on the finger. When a married man would flirt with me or want to pursue some kind of romantic relationship with me I had to turn him down no matter what, even if he said he was separated and pursuing a divorce with his wife. To me that is not a great way to begin a relationship. Any person who hasn't dealt with his previous relationship and healed from the break up isn't emotionally stable to begin a serious relationship with you. I learned from experience, since a couple of guys I dated who were in the process of divorce or separation eventually ended up going back to their wives and I ended up with a broken heart and picking up the pieces once more. Luckily I didn't introduce my children to those assholes! SO needless to say, if a married man wants to pursue a relationship with you, then you have to ask yourself, "Is he really into me?" If he is involved with another person and hasn't taken the steps to make himself available to you, then I think you know the answer.
When it came to dating I had to ask myself what I wanted from it. Was I looking for someone to just hang out with? Was I looking to date around and fool around with several guys at the same time? Was I looking for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage? I found this to be a crucial question in my dating life because if I met someone who wanted to fool around and date other people, while I wanted something serious, then we would have problems. I tried to date a few guys who just were not ready to settle down and have a family. Eventually we had to part ways. So it was important to establish the reasons why I wanted to date and find someone with the same reasons.
Since I had two children in my previous marriage I also had to consider if the other person would be open to the idea. I knew that it would take someone very special to want to date me with two children. So essentially I was looking for someone who was patient, kind, fun and loving who wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. If a guy wanted to date me he had to date my children too, if he wasn't interested in my children's lives then I wasn't interested in him. There is nothing more stressful than to have someone make you choose between them and your children, or if he constantly critiques your parenting style. Granted, if you are going to date with children, then it is imperative that you consider your children's feelings. It is not easy for children to accept a new person in their life, and that is why I believe it is wise to wait to introduce your children to your boyfriend/girlfriend. Only you know when and how. I have written about this topic so click here if you are interested.
Yes, dating after divorce and with children is tricky. Dating can be difficult and come with many challenges. Before I met my farmer cowboy I was discouraged and ready to give up. I was ready to deal with life alone and raise my children the best I could. Then one Friday night I was invited for crab legs and drinks. I could tell he was interested right off the bat. He would stay close by and ask me questions about myself and kids. He made eye contact and smiled. I could tell he was a bit nervous as was I. He was funny in his own silly way, and I found it quite refreshing. He made me smile and so that was the ticket for me to keep the possibility open. Of course he met the requirements with flying colors, but I wanted to know if he truly and genuinely cared about ME and my kids. I knew the only way to know was in time. Would he continue to pursue me even after the "honeymoon" phase? Would he stick by me during difficult times? Would he support me and be there for me when I needed him? Will I be his one and only woman in his life? And does he allow me to be all those things for him? In the end it always comes back to the question, "Is he into you?" A man who is into you, will do anything to make you a part of his life. When I met cowboy, he did what he could to make me a part of his life. He wanted me to meet his family, his friends and has allowed me to be a part of his work. He involves me with his life because he wants me to be there for him. If a man keeps you secret, or doesn't want you to hang out with him and his family or friends, then he is probably not that into you. A big deal for me when knowing if he is into me is the "little" things he does. You know you are a couple when you have established those "little" things that only you two know about and don't share with others. If you are dating a guy and he is doing those "little" things to other women then he is probably just a player and those little things are just a part of his repertoire. Although I could argue that if he is dating other women behind your back, that is a huge indicator that he is not into you! When a man sees what he likes he goes after it and if he really loves it, that's it for him. You know a man is into you when you are the only woman he wants to be with, not just physically, but in all ways. I knew cowboy was the one when he showed me all of this and more! I knew he was special when we went out for a walk at the Bosque and presented me with a stick. It wasn't just a stick, but a stick that resembled his affection for me and how he cared. A stick that told me, "hey I listened to your story and I liked it, so here is a stick to say I'm interested, are you?" Boy was I! And almost nine months later, our love continues to grow, and he continues to show me how much we are passing the test of time! And my children and I couldn't be happier.
So this little post is to give you hope. Be patient. And always ask yourself... "Is he into me?"
Don't settle for anything less! :)
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