Is He Into You? (A story of how we met)

Those of you who have been faithful to my blog know that I have dated a few men in my life and in the process learned a thing or two about what to look for when it comes to the real deal. Dating after divorce and with children involved is tricky, and requires a lot of wisdom and patience. It took a few years for me to realize what I was really looking for and how to know if the guy I was with was the one for me and my children. Even though I had established a "list" of what kind of man I wanted, that list had to go through some major re-adjustments after some break ups and very awkward dates. The list began with what I did NOT want in a man right after my divorce, for obvious reasons. After dating a man for a year and three months and a painful breakup I began to list characteristics of what I wanted. So my list began to look something like this:

Someone who likes me for me and doesn't want to change me

Someone who doesn't take life seriously/who is funny 

Someone who is real and authentic/ strong sense of self

Someone who is making a difference in the world

Someone who will enjoy my children and not judge my parenting

Someone who knows how to persevere in hard times

Someone who has a strong sense of family values

Someone who is a partner in providing for us and my family (I do not want to be the sole bread winner)

A partner in crime. 

Now that I had the "list" and began to pick up the pieces of my life, I started to date with these characteristics in mind. I am so thankful now that I established this list because it did help me find the man of my dreams! Of course I had kissed a few frogs before he came into my life and even though a few men had "fit" the list did not mean he was the one for me. So I had to make another list. Not a list of characteristics per say, but a way to know if the man I was dating was into me, and not just trying to get something out of me, if you know what I mean. The ultimate question after all is "IS HE INTO YOU?" 

The reality is that dating can be a selfish act that can hurt other people and even destroy lives. As melodramatic as that sounds, there is some truth in that! How? My number one rule was NO MARRIED MEN, period. Why? Because there a few people in this world who don't respect the ring on the finger. When a married man would flirt with me or want to pursue some kind of romantic relationship with me I had to turn him down no matter what, even if he  said he was separated and pursuing a divorce with his wife. To me that is not a great way to begin a relationship. Any person who hasn't dealt with his previous relationship and healed from the break up isn't emotionally stable to begin a serious relationship with you. I learned from experience, since a couple of guys I dated who were in the process of divorce or separation eventually ended up going back to their wives and I ended up with a broken heart and picking up the pieces once more. Luckily I didn't introduce my children to those assholes! SO needless to say, if a married man wants to pursue a relationship with you, then you have to ask yourself, "Is he really into me?" If he is involved with another person and hasn't taken the steps to make himself available to you, then I think you know the answer. 

When it came to dating I had to ask myself what I wanted from it. Was I looking for someone to just hang out with? Was I looking to date around and fool around with several guys at the same time? Was I looking for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage? I found this to be a crucial question in my dating life because if I met someone who wanted to fool around and date other people, while I wanted something serious, then we would have problems. I tried to date a few guys who just were not ready to settle down and have a family. Eventually we had to part ways. So it was important to establish the reasons why I wanted to date and find someone with the same reasons. 

Since I had two children in my previous marriage I also had to consider if the other person would be open to the idea. I knew that it would take someone very special to want to date me with two children. So essentially I was looking for someone who was patient, kind, fun and loving who wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. If a guy wanted to date me he had to date my children too, if he wasn't interested in my children's lives then I wasn't interested in him. There is nothing more stressful than to have someone make you choose between them and your children, or if he constantly critiques your parenting style. Granted, if you are going to date with children, then it is imperative that you consider your children's feelings. It is not easy for children to accept a new person in their life, and that is why I believe it is wise to wait to introduce your children to your boyfriend/girlfriend. Only you know when and how. I have written about this topic so click here if you are interested. 

Yes, dating after divorce and with children is tricky. Dating can be difficult and come with many challenges. Before I met my farmer cowboy I was discouraged and ready to give up. I was ready to deal with life alone and raise my children the best I could. Then one Friday night I was invited for crab legs and drinks. I could tell he was interested right off the bat. He would stay close by and ask me questions about myself and kids. He made eye contact and smiled. I could tell he was a bit nervous as was I. He was funny in his own silly way, and I found it quite refreshing. He made me smile and so that was the ticket for me to keep the possibility open. Of course he met the requirements with flying colors, but I wanted to know if he truly and genuinely cared about ME and my kids. I knew the only way to know was in time. Would he continue to pursue me even after the "honeymoon" phase? Would he stick by me during difficult times? Would he support me and be there for me when I needed him? Will I be his one and only woman in his life? And does he allow me to be all those things for him? In the end it always comes back to the question, "Is he into you?" A man who is into you, will do anything to make you a part of his life. When I met cowboy, he did what he could to make me a part of his life. He wanted me to meet his family, his friends and has allowed me to be a part of his work. He involves me with his life because he wants me to be there for him. If a man keeps you secret, or doesn't want you to hang out with him and his family or friends, then he is probably not that into you. A big deal for me when knowing if he is into me is the "little" things he does. You know you are a couple when you have established those "little" things that only you two know about and don't share with others. If you are dating a guy and he is doing those "little" things to other women then he is probably just a player and those little things are just a part of his repertoire. Although I could argue that if he is dating other women behind your back, that is a huge indicator that he is not into you! When a man sees what he likes he goes after it and if he really loves it, that's it for him. You know a man is into you when you are the only woman he wants to be with, not just physically, but in all ways.  I knew cowboy was the one when he showed me all of this and more! I knew he was special when we went out for a walk at the Bosque and presented me with a stick. It wasn't just a stick, but a stick that resembled his affection for me and how he cared. A stick that told me, "hey I listened to your story and I liked it, so here is a stick to say I'm interested, are you?" Boy was I! And almost nine months later, our love continues to grow, and he continues to show me how much we are passing the test of time! And my children and I couldn't be happier. 

So this little post is to give you hope. Be patient. And always ask yourself... "Is he into me?"  

Don't settle for anything less! :)